When you found out you were adopted, did you want to meet your birth parents?

kidmindi

I absolutely DID want to meet my birth parents. My father had passed away, but I met my mom when I was 18.

I'm 36 now and we still have a great relationship. In fact she is coming for a visit from another state sometime next week.

I also have 2 sisters whom I have met, and one brother that I recently found and am hoping to meet in person sometime this year

PhilM

I wish I had never been given up. Whether or not it was for the best (in some objective sense), it was not for the best for me. Adoption can (and often does) emotional damage to the child. It doesn't matter how materially well-off the adoptive parents are. I love my adoptive parents, and they love me. But I wish I had been kept by my mother. I grew up my whole life wondering where she was and where I came from. I grew up worried that my adoptive parents would leave me just like she did.

Unfortunately, there is no crystal ball... You have no idea whether giving her up will be best for her. There are no guarantees. The only guarantee that she will be loved and cared for is if you keep her yourself. Even if she is loved and cared for by the people who take her, you've no guarantee that she won't be emotionally scarred by the experience of losing you.

DevonChaos

I have wanted to meet my first mother for as far back as I can remember. I would ask her why she gave me up. Yell? I don't think I would. I would probably weep.

If you want to keep your baby, you can. There are places in your area that can help. Finances change, but if you give this baby up, you may never see her again. You won't have any guarantees that she is going to be treated properly. You have no way of knowing if she's still alive. Do you really want to put yourself through this? I know that if I could beg to have my first mother keep me, I would. I would rather be raised without "things" and be with my own people. I was raised in a truly dysfunctional environment, culminating with my a-mother kicking me out when I needed my parents guidance the most. This may not happen with your baby, but would you find out if it did? Probably not.

YOU are what is best for her. You don't owe your fertility to any childless couple out there. As an adopted person, I ask you to fully consider keeping this child. Look and see what help you can get. There are so many ways to find help. You will probably be in a better place financially later, but you won't have your own baby there when it happens. That would be heartbreaking. I'm 30 and I still grieve the loss of my first family on a daily basis. Do some serious thinking.

ETA: M-K, don't discount what others say just because you feel a certain way. Your baby would greatly benefit from being with you also. Just because you cannot provide "things" doesn't mean that you are unable to raise your child. I know from my soul, that I would rather be with my own family, than to have been raised by strangers.

celtic.piskie

Please..... a life without money but with a mother is FAR more of a life.

Family is family.

I'd much rather have had my mother, and been completely skint, than to have the people that raised me because 'they were better'.

For your own sake, and that of the child, you can do this !!

It's not easy, but at least you will have your child where it belongs.

She deserves you... You can be her parents.

I love my mother. I've never met her. All i know is her name, and they told her I was dead... because my 'parents' deserved a child more.

That's what the nurses said.

You can sufficiently raise your daughter. Give her a chance, please??

cantstopLinnyG

Don't give your child away. You CAN do this! Your baby wants nothing more than to be raised and loved by YOU.
She will cry for you every day of her life, just like all most all of us did.
Please check these links with some resources for you. Do NOT take any emails from ANYONE here. They just want your baby and could care less about you.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
http://www.babyscoopera.com
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemovie

Isabel A

Yes! Absolutely. I finally got to meet my bio mom two years ago. It was and is wonderful in many ways but a lot of feeling surfaced towards her that I didn't expect.
Big, huge feelings of abandonment because even though she did what she thought was in my best interest, in my infant mind, she abandoned me.
It sounds like you really want to parent this child. Lots of people can parent successfully. I know it sounds daunting now but please consider keeping your child if it's what you want.
Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
And the best thing for any baby is to be with his or her own mother, especially if that mother, as you say, desperately wants them.
Good luck.

Addie

I was adopted when I was a baby. I have felt numerous emotions concerning my birth parents, anger, sadness etc. You could get any of those responses so I would be prepared for anything.

I can honestly tell you that despite having a wonderful adoptive family I would rather have not been adopted. I wouldn't have cared if we were poor and I didn't have material things. I would have had MY mother and MY family. That is so much more important than things. I grew up feeling like a part of me was missing, like I didn't belong any where and I was lonely and sad despite having people who loved me and gave me everything that I needed. I didn't know growing up that I felt that way because I was adopted, I just thought that there was something wrong with me. I discovered the book "The Primal Wound" at 34 and it changed my life. Please, please, please keep your baby. If you truly cared what was best for her you would keep her with you. The life she wants to have is with you, not with well meaning strangers.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Ok, I just want you to know that I kow how you feel, I have been there. I was 19 when I got pregnant and I had my son one month before I turned 20. I am certainly not trying to be rude, but I must wonder, why are you wanting to relinquish you child? Unless there is abuse or neglect, there is no reason for an adoption to occur.

Is it because you are single? So am I, and let me tell you, it is NOT as bad as people make it out to be. Now, I DO have the support of my family, and that helps a ton, but I am still the one that provides the support for my son, I am the one that raises him, and I wouldn't have it any other way. If you are wanting a "Two parent home" for your child? Remember, that the divorce rate is out of control, and more than likely, your child will end up being raised by a single parent anyway. Then what? You loose a child, your child looses his heritage (and YOU, which is all he really wants anyways) all for a situation which is no better than he would have had anyways REMEMBER! You will not always be single! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

Is it because you are young? Honestly, people used to have children at 16 ROUTINELY and did a great job with them. It is an extreamly new development that women wait untill their 30's to have children. I am 21 now, and let me tell you, I am a wonderful mother. I love my son more than anything. Age is only a number, you CHOOSE to be a good or bad parent! REMEMBER! You will not always be young! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

Is it because you are in school? So am I. I am in Nursing School. I go to school at night, so my mom or my aunt can watch Jayden. Going to school while being a mom is not that bad. So you have to move your schedual around a little, so what? I promise, it pays off in the end. Being a mom is SOOOO much more fun than getting drunk every weekend at a frat house. And guess what, you can STILL party sometimes, you just find a babysitter for the night. I have never met a woman that became a mother and COMPLETELY gave up having a little fun every once in a while. REMEMBER! You will not always be in school! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

Is it because you don't think that you will be able to support the child? I thought that too. I had to move back in with my Mom, I got on Medicaid, WIC, and other government programs. You will get AWESOME scholarships and Grants for having a child. I will end up oweing next to nothing for school. You child does't want a fancy nursery, name brand clothes, and a trust fund, he wants YOU! You are ALL that he knows, and ALL that he wants. A baby is accutely aware of who his mother is immediatly after birth. This is the modern world, people will NOT allow you and you child to go without basic necessities. There are second hand stores that have REALLY cute stuff for next to nothing. REMEMBER! You will not always be struggling! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

I really hope you do your research (and that does NOT mean asking adoption agencies what they think, they make money from separting you from your child)

I also hope that you do not make a decision untill after your baby is born. There is NO rush, why don't you try to parent him for a while? At least then you will know...

Harry

One of my friends was adopted, and when he found out about it, he was quite devastated. He started looking at people differently and almost became a recluse.

His adopted parents noticed this and were actually prepared for it. They arranged a meeting for him with his mother (father had passed away) and he's trying to come to terms with his 'identity'.

Frankly speaking, it's hard for anyone to accept that their parents are not real in the biological sense. It all depends on how everyone around that person prepares him for that eventuality.

Not Adopted

"(even though we both desperately want her)"

Then keep her. You won't be 18 forever, but you are this baby's mother forever, even if she is adopted into another family.

All a baby wants is mommy, not fancy clothes and dollhouses. It makes no sense to give up a baby that is wanted by both the mother and father.

Jillian

while i don't have an experience with that i know that young parents CAN make it. i know a couple of my friends have, they said they wanted to know their history. they weren't mad they understood.
However, i was 19 when i had my son, and i am glad that i had him. it's hard but i really think it's no ahrder than an older couple in their 30's who are not wuite financially stable. good luck with whatever decisions you make:)

Just me

Hi there,I'm a mother to a 3 yr old daughter and a 1 yr old son.I'm sitting here thinking how can one give up their child that they carried for the last 9 months.

You say that you want whats best for her.Do you not think that it would be best for her to be with her mother and father?Raising a baby is not easy.I go day to day trying my hardest to give my children everything they need.But I know that I'm giving them the one thing that every child needs.That is LOVE.My children are my world.I couldn't see them not in my life.

I'm not trying to tell you to change your mind.But really think,before you go do this.That little one is growing inside you everyday and soon you will be feeling her move in you.Just think of all the things you will miss.Her first word,first teeth,her crawling and the day she looks you in the eye and says mommy I love you.

Now honestly,I couldn't walk away from that.I hope you really think about this.Good Luck and Best wishes to you.

Heather B

As far as I was concerned my Mom and family was missing. I wanted to find them.

Other adoptees are too angry and don't want to know anything about the people who left them behind.

It's a gamble on which way it's going to go.

ETA
Check out the first answer to this question, there's alot of this out there. Alot of resentment toward natural mothers:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AsWbnLaMD7uLB_ENyc6mZ39q.Bd.;_ylv=3?qid=20090217041246AAAL0BB

rachael

**HARRY** nicely put. big round of applause for your insight. it few and far between that a non adoptee 'gets it'

the most important thing i have ever done for myself was to find my bio parents. there was never a time in my life that i thought i would not meet them. i knew it would happen, it was only a matter of time

if you want to keep your child you should. dont let others influence you, you will regret it-forever. i was a teen mother alone. i graduated high school 6 months pregnant. i have had my problems...but im still stand and so is my daughter. it can be done. and its very very worth the work

~*gABBy*~

Well, I was like 7 when I was adopted so I never had to "find out" that I was adopted, I always knew. Right now I would say I dont want to meet my biological mother, but possibly my father. Not my mother because she and her husband(my step-father) physically abused me and that is why I went into foster care in the first place. But my biological father had no part in the parenting process other than helping birth me, so I think that eventually I would like to meet him.
I also found out recently that I have 2 brothers born from the same father, and I definitely would like to meet them.
Oh and btw I am 16, I didnt mention that before, LOL...so I guess for you guys it would depend on the situation, your child will most likely love to meet you, and it might be good to inquire if you could have an open adoption, cause then you could see your child, like whenever you wanted, and you would still play a part in his/her growing up.

Philippa

I am reunited with my son who was born in 1981 and he started searching for me when he was 18. It was an always known thing that he was adopted and he was always curious, his aparents said they would support whatever he wanted to do. It was my family who hindered him and still would have had I not found him. I wasn't even actively searching and it's only because I joined a site he belonged to having used his original name which was in 2004. Our reunion is one of those "success" stories as he has lived with us for over two years.

I was coerced into surrendering so I have had to live with the pain of not raising my son. My advice to anybody considering adoption is research first before finally deciding on surrendering as it doesn't just affect you.

mom of 3 and done!

I'm not going to tell you no or yes, but I'm an adopted adult, 54yrs young and was told by loving parents that we were adopted, I had a brother whom was also adopted, [different parents]. I had always wondered why they gave me up, made contact, biological parents are in Germany, and my 1/2 siblings wanted nothing to do with me, so that was the second time of getting rejected, it still hurts and I'm alot older now. So many things can happen, I hope you make the right choice for you and your daughter.

God Bless you all.

;Br0OklynSz qurL;

iimm not adopted. i live with my birth parents. but i wouldnt wannaa meet my birth parentss if i was. i would wanna keep it a mystery

9 lb baby boy!!!

i am the oldest out of six kids and we were all adopted. to tell you the truth none of my siblings want to meet their parents. now that im older and i am having a baby of my own i would like to find my mom and show her that her desicion to make a better life for me was the best thing she could ever do. my birth mom would call every couple of years on my birthday and talk to my mom but the last year she called i answered the phone and i didn't know it was her until after my mom told me. but since then (i was 14 i think) she hasn't called back and i have no idea how to even start to find her i have tried. but failed everytime. Good Luck! i really hope things go good for you!!

silverxeno

My mother kept me, but my birth father terminated his parental rights so another man could adopt me. I was not angry or upset with him...I was raised by a man I called Daddy, and even though that relationship did not last, I had a caring & kind step-father that was very considerate of the fact that now I had a 3rd "father" in my history. I have lost some contact with my bio dad...but tried to periodically update him as I grew. I met him once when I was 9.

I don't fault him at all. It's just something that happened...and later he tried to 'make it right' by doing what my mother asked & letting another man call me daughter. I was about 2 when that happened...and up to that point, my bio father had never met or seen me personally. The documents were signed & sent via mail...so my mom & dad didn't see each other again until she decided to take me to him when I was 9. The reason for the visit was just b/c my mom had the oppurtunity to be out of work for a bit...and my bio dad was only a few states away.

Lil Miss

My birth parents were 16, and I was adopted at birth. I am 20 now and still haven't met my birth parents. Even though it was a closed adoption, I can try to find them now that I am over 18 years old. Honestly, I'm not in a really big hurry to meet them. I'm not mad at them for giving me up, I completely understand & I think I would have wanted to do the same thing. Your daughter will not be mad at you. Adoption is one of the most compassionate and selfless things you can do for your daughter. Some adoptive parents might consider an open adoption so she could still be a part of your life. Just consider this carefully. My birth mother was adopted also and wanted a closed adoption for me because she was in and out of custody battles her whole life because her birth parents were constantly fighting her adoptive parents.

I think it's completely individual whether she will want to meet you one day or not, but either way she won't be mad at you. I don't understand anyone that would want to yell at their birth parents. My birth mother picked my mom because they looked alike. For the first few years of my life I know my parents sent pictures of me to them, until eventually they stopped wanting pictures. I assume its because they got married and started having other children...

It's a HUGE decision, but it's such a wonderful thing.

cletus 72

I want to commend you for what you are doing. Adoption is a wonderful thing. I was adopted out. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. If your child wants to be a part of your life, they will have so many questions, so please be honest with them. Just be prepared if you do keep in touch with your child. They will have many anger issues, especially if you have more children, it will be harder on them and your children you do have, well, lets just say, you will have many questions. Sometimes finding and being with the child is harder then putting them up for adoption. Talk to the family that adopts your child, sometimes family will keep in touch with you and keep you up to date, as long as they know there is no fear of loosing that child.

M~K

I can completely relate to you. I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 19 and I'm 30 weeks pregnant. We have decided to do adoption as well because we cannot provide the life for him that we would want. I got a lot of criticism for my decision and just remember that this decision is between you and your boyfriend. Don't let anyone tell you that "there are ways" - because even though there are ways to get financial and daycare help, that still may not allow you to provide what you want for your child. Just stay strong and hold to your decision. It's a very hard decision to make and I still struggle with it because I so desperately want to keep my child. Knowing that I can't hurts, but I know he'll have a better life with another loving family.

I know I didn't answer your question, but I have a feeling you'll get (basically) crap for the decision you made and thought my note may help. Good luck to you.

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