When you hear PAPs or APs talking about adoption, what's says 'entitlement' to you?

julie j

Hi Sunny,

You ask who deserves adopted children? While I don't believe there is a right to be a parent of other people's children, I realize that parents must be found for the children who already are really without any family members to care for them.

As a mother, I know first hand that raising children is a privilege and a great joy. The people who "deserve" those children are the ones who truly understand why the child is in need of a new home in the first place.

There are many reasons that some may think of as entitling one to raise others' children that actually are not good reasons at all. For instance, it is not because the parents are in need of a new child. It's not because they make X number of dollars per year. It's not because they are married. It's not because they know somebody who will write a letter on their behalf saying they believe they would make good parents. It's not even because they are having fertility problems.

Parenthood whether by adoption or biology, is not about what the parent needs at all. It's about what the child needs. The child needs unconditional love. The child needs to feel secure, understood, & honored for the individual that he/she is. Every child has unique needs and adopted children have additional ones. A prospective parent needs to expect that and be willing to provide everything that an adopted child needs, today and tomorrow. That does not mean treating him/her as if they were born to the adoptive family because they were not. Good adoptive parents should nurture the individual adopted child who will develop different interests and talents than the ones their biological child may have had. Good adoptive parents should have done their research and should be prepared with specific knowledge and resources to help them best meet the needs of the adopted child as he/she grows up. When people adopt, they are making a commitment to that child to do everything that is necessary for THAT child. It should never mean that the child is placed there to meet any of the adopter's needs whatsoever.

Although extremely rewarding, parenthood is not about children meeting parental needs. In my opinion, people who want to adopt who understand that, deserve the children who are available for adoption.

Thanks for asking,

julie j
reunited adoptee

amyburt40

I don't think anyone deserves to be a parent. I think it is a priviledge. I will never fully understand infertility because I was able to have children. I think too that if an adoptive parent adopts a child then they should fully support the child. Adoptive parents are held to higher standard. They are often presented to natural parents as being the better parent. They have money, status, and marriage where as the natural parents do not.

Laurel J

To answer your first question, here's what says entitlement to me:

Insisting that because other people can have their own kids, you somehow have a right to one--claiming it's no different than being pregnant. (There is no right to a child, and raising someone else's child means you're held to a higher standard. Don't like it? Maybe you don't want to adopt as badly as you think.) Bonus points for using terms like "paper pregnant."

Griping that adoption takes too long.

Griping that adoption costs too much money.

Believing you have a right to a child that will "look like you."

Disrupting an adoption because the child is not what you expected.

Adopting from overseas for the sole and stated purpose of avoiding having to deal with the child's first family.

Spreading horror stories, with little or no basis in fact, about evil birth parents who sign their kids away, change their mind years later, and are awarded the kids back in court.

Use of the phrase "healthy white infant shortage" or any variant thereof.

Referring to a woman who is still pregnant as a "birth mother." Double bonus points for abbreviating it to "BM."

Accompanying said "birth mother" to OB/GYN appointments. Triple bonus points for being in the delivery room with her, cutting the cord, and/or giving her a stuffed animal to replace the baby as in all those horrid Adoption Stories episodes.

Having an adoption "ceremony" in which the birth mother is expected to ritually hand over the baby.

Not telling the child s/he is adopted.

Discounting, without consideration, anything bad or troublesome you hear about an adoption or about adoption in general.

Agreeing to an open adoption and changing your mind when this becomes somehow inconvenient.

In short, entitlement means you have forgotten adoption is supposed to be about the best interests of a child who needs a home, not your desire for an infant that will be as much like a natural child as possible.

sam22254

I know you have to do all these steps in order to adopt but you also have to do all these steps when your a natural father fighting for the adoption to be stopped. The funny thing is my son make around the same amount as the couple who has his son. I wished all parents would have to do this before they left the hospital that way all children go to a good home. what do you think?

Adoptionissadnsick

Wow that quote came from someone gagging on her sour grapes. Call me old fashioned but lets leave it to Mother Nature to decide. This worked for all our millions of years evolving.

This is not someone I would entrust to adopt.

Heather B

That quote definitely reeks of entitlement

It also proved one of the biggests myths in adoption - that adoptive parenting is no different to natural parenting. The two are just not comparable but people will still try it, to attempt to prove their entitlement to someone else's baby

a healing adoptee

I believe people don't deserve to be parents, otherwise we are saying parents that are abusive deserve to be parents.

On the other hand I believe that it is a great privilege to be a parent, one that comes with many blessings if you are willing to put in the time and effort into raising a child.

I hope one day I get the privilege to have children and raise them, because it will indeed be a blessing.

Robin

I'm sorry...but I don't think adoption should be about "who deserves to adopt children." Rather, it should be about a child deserving loving parents & a stable home. Yes, that includes children living with biological families. Money doesn't make a loving home. LOVE does.

Society assumes that the best place for a child is with their biological families. That's a HUGE shift from the "baby scoop era", when society believed children were better off with wealthier, married parents.

Because only about 4% of unwed moms chose adoption, there is a 'shortage' of babies available for adoption. With a high 'demand', agencies can be pickier when choosing PAP's. After all, you are asking to raise someone else's child! How is one to decide who would best parent a child (if not the biological mom)? Are the current methods fair? What is fair? Words like 'shortage' 'supply' 'demand' make adoption sound like a commodity deal, doesn't it?

Conversely, there are more than 130,000 children in foster care waiting for families. Some as young as 6 months to 2 or 3 years old. Many of these children are not special needs children, but may need counseling, which is provided by CWS. Yet no one is rushing to give these children homes, families, or become their parents.

No, biological parents don't have to 'prove' fitness, unless the courts finds them unfit. Then they have some of the same hurdles to keep their children that PAP's have to adopt.

Comments like, "you were just able to get knocked up" are cruel, & probably born of frustration. The sense of 'entitlement' expressed by some PAP makes having a child seem more about them than their prospective children. The best parents put their children's emotions & well being first.

To have a child is a natural human desire for most people. It's terribly sad & painful & disappointing when a couple discovers they can't have children. I get that...

But that is not a reason to ignore the ethical issues & emotional consequences that adoption creates. Which is what adoptees' in this forum are trying to raise awareness about. We have been silent all our lives...for fear of hurting our parents...for fear of being judged "ungrateful"...because we constantly get messages about being "rescued", "saved", "given a better life", & because no one wants to hear ALL our opinions & emotions - only the 'GOOD' emotions, the "happy" stories.

Some of us had great AP's, some ended up in abusive or alcoholic homes or with divorced parents. Many of us have found our natural parents. Often we discovered our (b) parents loved & wanted us, but had committed the sin of becoming pregnant before marriage. Some have no interest in reunions. We are not one voice, but many...

How do we as a society balance the needs of children who's parents are unable to care for them with the deep desires of PAP who want children to parent? Denying the realities of all members of the triad is not going to resolve these issues. Name calling won't either.

We need to talk openly, honestly, and most of all. COMPASSIONATELY with one other. Put ourselves in the other person's place.

Imagine how it feels to grow up not knowing who you look like or get your smile or your interest in music or science from or your medical history (when you find you have an illness, or worse, YOUR CHILD has an illness), or your own heritage.

Imagine the heartbreak of discovering that you can't have children, when you've looked forward to having a family some day. And no matter how much or how long you try, it can't happen. Part of our identity as women is wrapped up in our ability to bare children.

Imagine carrying a child for nine months. Feeling that child grow, the first kicks, turns, stretches inside your body. Giving birth after hours of labor or surgery. Looking at the whole little person that just came out of your body, feeling overwhelmed with love, sadness, & a million other emotions, then giving that baby to someone else to take home...& going home alone.

I, myself, can't imagine ever being able to do that. I'm not strong enough to bare that pain.

pookie

I doubt this is the typical belief with Adoptive parents. I think it's unfair to act like it is. People who deserve adopted children are the ones who are chosen and that will accept child for who they are no matter what.

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