When you see pictures of your adopted children...?

snowwillow20

Yes, I've been feeling that way for 38 years, you never get over the loss of your child. You just have to do your best to try to be happy. It's hard, but there is nothing you can do to undo the past.
I have been in reunion since 2001. I still have moments of self loathing but you have to find some way to get past it, cause you will never get over it.

å°é»ƒ

Yes you are right - you should be the one there.

Even if, at the time, you felt you couldn't raise your daughter. Overall the mother & child bond is so often underestimated in adoption.. your child is a part of you. No wonder it's so painful - even if it was the "right" decision *at the time.*

Please don't hate yourself. What you are feeling is perfectly normal.

FlyingMonkeySwatter

I hope you don't mind an adoptive mother answering. My hope is that you have trusted loving family and friends that are able to support you...and you have access to excellent counseling. Do you really want the pics to stop?

I really beat myself up over the pics I send to our daughters mother. I wonder sending more or less pics, pics at all, happy pics etc make my daughters mother happy, sad, do I send ones with my parents, with her brother etc I want to send the "right" pics. I tell stories. My heart would stop if I thought I caused her pain...and I finally just asked her. She said she laughed and cried all rolled into one when she saw pics or received stories.

Cup of sherry

I went to live in a children's home when I was six. Adoptions were handled there for the children and for any babies that came in. My guardian did not release me to be adopted until I was 13 almost 14. I used to see the pictures the adoptive families would send to the birth family. I would always think how lucky those kids were to have someone who loved them. My life has not been horrible as I have never been beaten, starved or homeless. But even after I got adopted, I didn't feel a close "love' with my adoptive family. My parents died before I could remember and I lived with my grandmother till she had health problems and my Aunt put me in the children's home. Always seemed to be in the way. Now that I am in college, I am trying to focus on the good. While you miss your daughter, does it look like she is happy? If so focus on that because one day you will see her again. My aunt has decided she wants me back in her life and since I know have a choice, I am saying no. Just some random thoughts that I thought might help you some

Pip

My son's adoption was closed (coerced adoption) so I didn't see any pics of him until post reunion. It certainly brought all the emotions.

How you're feeling is perfectly normal and you're entitled to feel the way you do. Just because you surrendered doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel loss which is exactly what you're going through.

sort of a jerk

Your reactions are natural. This is a form of grief. Recently I read The Grief Handbook, the one thing I got out of it was to look at the grief situation in terms of what I wanted, Different, Better, More from the relationship that ended (due to death in my case.) I found that reflection to be helpful. Also, writing a letter explaining your feelings and then destroying the letter can be surprisingly helpful. Best of Luck!

Johnsmuffinpie

Your feelings are very valid, indeed. However, the advice you got on going and getting your child back is bad. There is also no legal way you can remove that child from his/her adoptive parents. Can you imagine what that would do to him or her? Your child is with the only parents he's ever known. Adoptions are finalized because of the welfare of the child, so that child isn't bounced from person to person while parents make up their minds. I can't even imagine how I would have felt as a child if my birth mother had come and tried to take me from my parents. I would have been devastated. You said yourself that around the time of the adoption you felt it was the right thing to do. That is not coersion...but I understand your feelings of regret. How long has it been since you gave your child up? Perhaps you could find a support group of some other first mothers and lean on one another. Best of luck to you.

LinnyG

Im sorry you are hurting, Catherine. You are correct- you ARE the one who should be there in the pictures with your daughter. Another example of how adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

As an adoptee, I can say that I feel the same way when I see pictures of my first family all together. I should be in the picture, too. It hurts, and it will never stop hurting. Please do not cut contact, because it will affect your daughter. Keep accepting the pictures and updates...save them for later if you cant bring yourself to look at them right away.

You should go to the link Cleopatra posted. There are other first Moms who can help you work through this somehow.

http://www.exiledmothers.com
http://www.origins-usa.org/

Takikio

I'm sorry you feel this way but think back to the reasons why you gave her up in the first place. Is she living a better life than what you could have given her? If so I'd take comfort in the fact that she has more opportunities and is provided better than you probably could in your situation. At least you are not one of those mothers that gets pregnant and then aborts because they can't care for the child. At least you gave her life. I was adopted and I'm actually very grateful she did that. My birth mother obviously could not have cared for me as well as my mother now.(I don't know her but I know the background) I'm also glad that she had enough heart to give me life instead of ending it when I was still in her womb. Even though I don't know her and probably never will I'm still happy she chose to give me a better life by giving me to the mother and father I have now. It shows that she did care for me. Not everyone will probably understand this and I will probably get all thumbs down and emails saying thats stupid it's always best for the child to stay with the mother, but I believe not all situations are good, just like in some situations they can get by by keeping the baby and working. But not everyone has the opportunity to do both and a child takes up a lot of your time. Sometimes you have to either sacrifice your job or sacrifice the time with your child for a job. If you don't have the opportunity to do the first why not give your child the opportunity to spread his or her wings in another house hold who can be with her more often.

Again I am sorry you are feeling this way but remember why you did it in the first place and why you chose this family.

rain cloud

oh, you shouldn't feel guilty! the kids are the ones who usually feel guilty and unwanted. I have a picture of my birth mother, and whenever i look at it i feel SO guilty! like i am unwanted and not good enough fro her. i knew she gave me up for a good reason, just so i would have a better life, but i still feel bad. Don't feel that bad about your self. you know you did it for the right reason. you shouldn't feel like that. otherwise go to- http://www.adoption.com/

Ninjaaa(:

Its ok. its normal. Don't think of sadness, think of the happiness that your child is receiving, and tell yourself that during the point you gave her up, it was the only thing you could do. it already happened, crying over it isn't gonna make it any better.
"There's no use trying to pick up water that has already been spilled."

Meg

Don't feel guilty over this:) It's a completly normal reactions to seeing your child's picture, but you shouldn't want to stop seeing them. You don't want to not see your kid! and I know you feel guilty over this adoption but you should just take notice on how happy your child is and how it was a good decison to give them up:) I really really hope i helped!

Cleopatra

Your feelings are real and justify why "adoption" is wrong. Moreover, your child is probably feeling the same thing. Families are not supposed to be separated - THAT'S what is NOT NORMAL.

Get a lawyer and get your child back. Visit exiledmothers.org - you were coerced.

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