Where in the hell did you all get the term First Mom? I have never heard that before...?

Freckle Face

Hi Lindsey,

I usually say she is DD's other mother. Here for descriptive purposes only i use "First mom". I am the second mom. My daughters do have two moms.

Out of respect, I will NOT use the b word. It hurts people. I won't deliberately hurt people. Many first moms find that term insulting and hurtful.

**felt the say way you did about the b word before i was educated here:)

Gershom

Birth terms were started by the adoption industry to "lessen" the connection between mother and child, to make the potential adoptive parents feel more like the only parent, to feel like they have more of a connection.

Birth terms are insulting in my opinion.

Is the mother, who gives birth, NOT the first mother? Was she not the childs mother....first?

You don't have to think of yourself in anyway you don't want to. I don't think of my adoptive mother as a second mom, but she did become my mother second to my first mother. I have two moms. They are both my mothers. I would never call my natural mother BIRTHmom. She did much more than just give "birth" to me, and giving birth isn't a piece of cake either.

Mei-Ling

[And quite frankly, do not want to think of myself as the Second Mom.]

So what would you have to say about kids who were adopted only because their parents were infertile? Would we then be considered "second kids" just because we were placed with a second set of parents? Would you ever tell your children that they're "second-children" just because you adopted them and they had another mother first?

Of course not.

If my mother is merely a "birth" mom and her SOLE purpose was just to carry me, then apparently I can't be worth all that much either and I should be called a "birth" kid then. Right?

Do you understand what I'm getting at?

First mom is not used to demean adoptive parents. It only indicates that the mother who gave birth was the original mother. It does not imply that you are "second-best" in any way, shape or form.

If my mother abused me or hurt me in some way and was getting away with it, I probably would have called her my "birth" mom. Forget that, I would have called a "birth" lady, because why would a mother want to hurt her child?

But I'm getting off-topic. My mother did not abuse me or hurt me. She only loved me and then had to relinquish me. Out of love and respect for her, I call her Mama or Mother or Taiwan mom. There is no reason for me to add the prefix when all she did was love me and mourn my absence.

"What about your 'real' parents?"

Both sets are real. I do not take sides of validating one set as being more "real" to the other, because how is that fair to me as a person? My Taiwanese parents are real because they gave birth to me and loved me, and my adoptive parents are real because they raised me. It does not need to be complicated unless you make it that way. :)

This may help you out a little, if you're willing to learn and listen: http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/

(P.S. The word "birth____" is banned on my blog, but the other terms, such a "biological" are completely acceptable.)

P.P.S. It gets under your skin because you are feeling insecure that the term "first mom" implies you are only "second-best"... which just isn't true.

Sunny: You made me laugh. Like, a lot. XD

tickled blue

Birth mom denotes only carrying and producing a child. Everyone uses a different term....many are offended by birth mom, as would I be.....because it doesn't encompass everything a mother is....i.e.: her genetics, her characteristics, her love, her feelings, etc. seem to be eliminated when she is merely a 'birth mom'.

Andraya

This website explains the differences between positive adoption terms, they use birth mother, and honest adoption terms, we use first or natural mother.

aloha.girl59

Hmm...you're obviously new here.

I am an adoptive mother and I don't think of myself as my son's "second mother" either. But he does have a first mother -- the one who gave birth to him. He looks like her and shares some personality traits with her and without her, he wouldn't be here. She is an important person in his life even though he no longer has contact with her. To call her a "birth mother" intimates that she was just a vessel to carry him and she is so much more than that.

My son's first mother and I are *both* his mothers. She was first in his life, is all. I think the term is much less offensive (now that I am more educated about adoption loss and have gotten used to the term) than "birth mother" or the ever-yucky "tummy mommy." My son knows that another woman gave birth to him and that he is like her in many ways. I don't feel that is something that should be diminished, and referring to her as his "birth mother" diminishes her in my eyes.

If you think nasty things about your children's first parents, I hope you never convey them in any way to your children. They will end up resenting you for it, I promise! Keep your nasty thoughts to yourself.

As for "nice ladies" relinquishing their children to adoption: please spend some time on this board and learn from adoptees, first parents, and adoptive parents. I bet you'll be surprised at what you discover and you may even find that you feel differently after a while. I know I do.

Felicita1

the term "birthmother" was created and applied by social workers to mothers separated from a child by adoption. the mothers did not create or choose to use this term themselves. it was created to mean a woman whose sole purpose in her child's life is to give birth, who is no longer a mother past that point. it is not a "good ole" word as it is professional (social worker) jargon. it is, frankly, insulting.

every group has the right to choose the term it wishes to be called rather than be labelled by mothers. and our reality for 99% of us is that our mother-child bond did not end with birth.

as adoption is a man-made legal and social structure, i use the term natural mother to define myself. this denotes someone who is still a mother.

i used first mother as well until someone pointed out that it sounded like "first wife, second wife" i.e. a former wife. but it does not have to be defined this way. it is a term that we have chosen to use as it recognizes we are still mothers.

and if you take offense that the opposite of "natural" is "unnatural" and thus imply that it makes adoptive parents "unnatural" (i don't agree with this -- man-made does not mean "unnatural) then (applying the same logic) the opposite of birth is death ...

- a natural mother

a healing adoptee

i will tell you this, you sound very angry at your childrens parents. they made mistakes, and i'm not putting that lightly. however speaking as an adopted children who came from a situation that involved drugs and abuse. my adoptive mother never put down my first mom/birth mom. she was never dis-respectful, nor did she try to instill in me that she was my one and only mother over my b-mom. instead me thinking her as my mommy just came naturally, because she was always there for me. likewise your kids too, will look at you as mom, but i will say this they will have heaps of respect for you, if you let them decide on their own how they feel about their moms.

sunny

Well, if your child's mother is the "birth mother", than you would be the "infertile" or "barren" mother, right? I mean if mother's role is reduced to a biological act, or in your case, the lack of one...

Besides, "birth mother" is hardly old. It's an 80s term invented for adoptive parents by the adoption industry. It's gone the way of 'colored people' and 'Oriental people'. Before that it was 'natural mother', something tells me you wouldn't like that either.

And how can a man be a 'birth father'.

It's really lame-o.

BOTZ

My first mom is my first mom because she was my mom BEFORE the mom that adopted me. I was carried for 9 months, born, lived in a hospital for a couple of days and a temporary home for about 2 weeks all BEFORE my adoptive parents even knew I existed. In my case (the only one I can speak on with total authority), my parents were informed of my existence and availability for adoption LESS THAN 6 HOURS before they arrived at the agency office and picked me up.

My adopted mother IS my second mother. And, for the record, she is fine with it. I don't call her "Second Mom" or "Mom 2" (That would just be rude)...I just call her "Mom". When I speak with my natural mom (that's my chosen description, by the way) I also call her "Mom". It doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. I have 2 moms and I have 2 dads. They all know the chronological order that my life happened in. They're all fine with it (as am I).

In your situation, it's different that mine. I was never mistreated by my natural parents. (I was never 'treated' at all by my natural father but that was through no choice of his...he DID fight to keep me but single dads "just didn't do that" in the early 70s). If I had been mistreated/abused/neglected by my natural parents, I might feel differently. I can't say.

For me, "first mom/dad" is a term that references chronological order. It's not a 'ranking'. I don't think it denounces your position as your child's mother...you simply were not the mother 'first'. Can you honestly claim that you were?

ETA: Good point, Gaia Raain. I did have 3 mothers. Although, since coming in contact with her as an adult, I've always called the mother in the temporary home (foster home) "Mrs. W----". And she's fine with that, too. :-) LOL.

Crucio

Itâ€™s really about what ever term someone wants to use. I have no problem using birthmom to refer to my biological mother in fact sometimes I refer to her as my egg donor That said I have also come respect other peoples feelings when it comes to this terms. If they want to refer to their biological mother as First mom, then if I ever had to make reference to her that is what I would use. If I ever adopt I would be the same way if my adopted child wanted to refer to their biological mother as first mom ok, if they rather used birthmother , biomom, other mom. Ok

Angela R

We adopted our children from Korea, and "first-mother" was the term used by our son's foster mother, and social worker in Korea to describe his biological mother.

It doesn't bother me as far as making me feel like less of a mother, I know I will always simply be "mom", but one concern I did have is the term "first-mom" might imply that she has been replaced, and the relationaship has ended, similar to someone's "first wife".

When talking to our children we refer to their "first-mothers" as thier "Omma" (mom in Korean), and their foster mothers as "your foster Omma". In places like this I don't want to use terms that offend people, so while I personally don't find "birth-mom" offensive, I understand that others do, and try to respect their feelings by using a different term such as first-mom.

janine k

First I agree wholeheartedly with you regarding the term first mum.I have always used the term natural parents when referring to the parents involved with my birth and parents when referring to the people who adopted me and they have always agreed with me

Samantha R

I have never refered to my adoptive mother as my "2nd Mom". The ladies who fostered me throughout my years in CPS, i always refered to as my "Foster Mom" but never give a number. I wouldnt be too offended to be called a 2nd mom, its usually just a way of somebody to say they were adopted. My sister always said 1st and 2nd mom till she was older and realized it was hurtful to our adoptive mom who was taking it as a rank in motherhood and not just a number for a small child. If somebody is calling you a 2nd mom, you might try sitting down and talking with them about it. If they arent old enough for a talk, just brush it off cause they arent meaning any hurt or disrespect!

Melissa G

I don't think that the term First Mom automatically means that you are the Second Mom.

Using similar logic, using Birth Mom would render you the Adopted Mom. Natural Mom would mean you are the Unnatural Mom.

You are mom. Period.

What birth mom is called is simply what she is called. It doesn't define who you are or what you are called.

hellokerri2000

I'm sorry that you are letting some terminology bother you so much. First mom, natural mom, birth mom, biological mom...who cares? It all means the same thing, and I have personally used every single one of these wordings with regard to my biological mother (though truthfully I use the term "biological" the most). No matter what, you are the woman that your child calls "Mommy" and that is the most important thing.

Edit:
Perhaps, instead of feeling like you are being called "Second" mommy, you could see yourself as the "New Mommy", which is a really great thing, especially looking at it from the eyes of your children, whose first/old mommy doesn't sound like she was very good to them. If they lived in foster care for any length of time, I know that they were excited about the prospect of having a new "forever" family.

sweet kacey

Thank you. I dont see my birth giver as a mom at all. But saying things like this on here got me in trouble before so I have to be careful what I say. As far as I am concerned by adoptive mom is my only mom. The woman that had me is just that a woman that had me. She left me with nothing and I owe her nothing.

jenn

I have never heard that before either.

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