Where is the line when talking about adoption?

Gaia Raain

Hmmm...ok, just throwing some ideas out there...not speaking from experience or anything. My first thought was (putting myself in her shoes), if it's always about me, I might not always want to talk about it. I wonder how she'd respond if you asked her if YOU can talk about it? Maybe you could say, "I'm curious about _______. Do you mind if I talk about it? Is it ok?" Then run your thoughts by her and see what happens.

Ugh...trying to explain my thoughts behind this, and it's not coming out right. I'll leave it at that. Hope it makes sense.

Anha S

Phil had a good point, I know a lot of kids where if it were left up to them, their parents would never have a clue what was going on in their heads for one reason or another. As a kid, I didn't ask the burning questions for a few reasons, mainly because I didn't want to hurt or upset my amom (I just realized I've never once even said the word adoption to my adad...)

I think its a positive thing to hear every once in awhile that your parent is open to discussing things with you if you need to. In my opinion, it lays some groundwork between parent and child that fosters more open communication.

Not the same situation, but my daughters have a father who isn't involved of his own choice. Every once in awhile I will drop a hint and ask if they want to sit and chat. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, and on the rare occasion, they come to me. But I want them to know that I'm open to hearing anything from them, be it good, bad, ugly, or anywhere in between. I do my best not to badger, though I think it probably looks that way to them sometimes!

Freckle Face

Dear BLW KAM,

When i get a *sigh* or I just want to be a kid, i don't want to deal with adoption......i stop abruptly.

Other times.......I say, there was an interesting question at answers today.......what are your thoughts. She may give an quick short "yes" or "no" answer, I leave it. Sometimes she opens up and shares all of her raw emotions. I thank her for trusting me with her feelings and remind her how much i love her.

I find with my hormonal almost eleven year old asking a question about someone else on answers in safest. I end our conversations with, you can tell me anything and my feelings won't be hurt. I am here to listen and help if i can. Sometimes i get, "I know mom it helps" other times i get "you are so dramatic". Go figure.

One thing i can tell you is she rarely starts conversations about adoption. I feel obligated to bring it up or it will never be brought up. Once every 3-ish weeks.

Minnimouse

I agree with Phil. I didnt often ask my parents anything because I was scared that they would get upset. When I was older and I did ask some questions I got responses that were defensive and dismissive so I stopped. I ended up doing my own research by poking my nose into my parent's diaries. At least paper didn't make me feel guilty for asking things, only my concience.

I am glad you are making it clear that she can ask questions. But also offer her information just randomly. For instance say...gosh I think you must have inherited your mother's gift of musicality or whatever it is...or something just random. My mum just recently started saying things like "gosh you looked like "name of biological aunt" just then when you smiled" it makes me feel quite flattered and sort of shows me that my past or genetics is appreciated.

I would say just remind her every three or four weeks that you are open to talk about it. Try not to nag her or overwhelm her but jsut mention it, try not to change the subject too quickly in case she takes a minute to think of something to say and then leave it.

almost human

Adoption IS that giant elephant in the room nobody will recognize. If you never mention it, but you're obviously someone that thinks about it often. (we've got much more of a clue than you think we do) and we know you spend time on the internet looking up adoption support, etc. then it's going to be larger than the room.

If you mention it all the time or want to talk about it too much, then you are being intrusive out of your own insecurity, and that kind of pestering for reassurance is another huge elephant in the room.

The truth is - most adoptive parents have serious anxiety problems over whether they are adequate parents - and it shows - and that anxiety is palpable.

it's not a case of there's no way you can win. it's a case of you need to get your own heads on straight first before you can talk with your kids about adoption. it's really creepy to know adoption is always on your parents' minds. i mean, think about it. bio kids don't have to deal with that...

rent some movies with adoption in the theme and just watch them together. maybe it will incite a response. maybe it won't. but it might be a way to talk about it as a topic that has a protective layer, that is less dangerous. be open minded. and relax.

Jennifer L

I have a similar situation!

My daughter is approaching 13 and was adopted about 2 1/2 years ago. Sometimes, she wants to talk about adoption, her home country, her first family and her experiences and sometimes she doesn't.

Most of the time, when I bring up any of these subjects, she lets me know she doesn't want to talk about it. Once in awhile, she will, but usually if she wants to talk about these experiences, she will bring up the subject to me. When she's finished, she changes the subject (ie: Can we get ice cream?) and I know she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

So, I would venture to guess that if your daughter is telling you she's done talking about it, then it's time for you to respect that. But you can leave the door open, with a "I'm here if you ever would like to talk about this again." Yes, kids know you are there, but even so, frequent reminders are good.

MS A

If it helps at all, my ten-year-old acts exactly the same way. It's exactly the same situation. She knows her first mom and siblings, has always known she is adopted, etc.

After each visit with her first mom, she seems to cling to me a little tighter and hug me more. I always ask if she wants to talk and how she feels about being adopted. She always says something like "I'm so glad you adopted me", "I love both my moms." or just "I'm fine."

I feel like I'm walking a tightrope on this one.

mom of many

just make sure she understands that she can come and talk to you on any subject, any time.

RPMR

Oh no! You are doing a great job! Your daughter won't know it is ok to ask questions unless you keep telling her so! Off course don't ask her every single day, but when you come in contact with her bio family is a proper time to do that. You are building trust and a foundation to a healthy and open communication with your daughter. The reason why she is happy the way she is is because you are the mother you are right now! Never shut up! It sounds like she is so comfortable talking to you about that! And by what I've read on your past posts you have drawn the line already by not telling her about her drug addict father and that she was born with drugs in her system! The time is going to come when she'll need to know everything (black and white) about her bio parents and her birth, but now she is only 10! Age appropriate info! You really are doing a great job with her! You, in fact, are one of the people here who has really helped educate me on always being open with my son about his history. Keep it up!

punky

I was adopted and I can only tell you from my own experience. I say let it go. Don't say or ask any more. Believe me when she gets curious she will ask. It is really good she knows everything so young. I was older when I was told. I didn't question anything until I was about 15 I guess. My Mom was always open with me and I know that the two adults that raised me are the two best parents in the whole world. Just enjoy life as it is and just wait for her to come to you. Life is short and she may never ask anything more until she has kids of her own you never know.

a04mommy

She will come to you when she's ready to know more.

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