Where to begin?

Possum

It's amazing what we can achieve when we put our hearts, minds and souls into it - I'm quite sure you'd be a wonderful mother. And that helpless little human - will think that you are the most perfect mother he/she could ever have.
As you are his/her mother.

Ultimately - it's up to you.

First - you need to let the father know of your possible intentions. He has rights - as does the child.

Second - you need to read & research the 'other' side of adoption - that's not so boldly publisized.
Here's some blogs and websites to start with -

Adoptee blogs -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2805.0

Relinquishing mother blogs (first mothers/birth mothers/bio mothers) -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2804.0

Origins USA - if you need help keeping your baby - resoource lists etc -
http://origins-usa.org/

Great links in the right hand column about separation issues for babies -
http://lizardchronicles.blogspot.com/

My story - my father offered marriage when he found out my mother was pregnant - but her mother (my grandmother) sent her off to another state - and told her 'don't come home with that baby'.
They went on to marry 6 months after my birth.
They had 3 more kids.
I finally found them 2 yrs ago - 36 yrs after my birth.
I finally have found the people that I 'belong' to - the people I look and act like.
Sure - I love my adoptive family dearly - but I could never understand what I had done wrong to deserve being given away.
Truth - I didn't NEED to be adopted.
If this child doesn't really NEED to be adopted (ie - the child is not in any danger) - then why does it really need to be given away???

Also - beware - 'open' adoption is not law enforceable. Prospective adoptive parents will most likely promise the world to you - but once they've got their baby - they'll toss you aside. It happens all too often.
This child needs to know you - whether you decide to keep or relinquish. It's better for the child's self worth and self esteem.

Just some things to think about.

I wish you & your bub well.

Isabel A

I agree that you have plenty of time to make this decision.

Do you have family that you can talk to or a close friend you can confide in?

Take you time in this decision and know that you will really not be 100% sure of anything until your baby arrives.

Because you are saying here that you are interested in a private adoption, you will probably get plenty of emails from people looking to adopt your baby. Please think long and hard before considering responding to any of them. Often people who directly contact women considering relinquishing do so because they can not adopt through proper channels or pass a homestudy because of a possible blight on their criminal record. There are also people here on Y!A who work for adoption agencies and will offer to give you referrals to agencies. Just be careful. I am not saying this to scare you but the reality is that the internet is a scary place and people may not be who you think they are.

All the best to you.

LaurieDB

Have you spoken with your family and other supports? That's probably the best place to start. You've still got time before you make any solid plans. You'll also want to talk with people who've been through all different routes before making any final decisions.

No matter what, though, I still think the first thing to do is to confide in family and other trusted people in your life.

Ms. AK

I will probably get a LOT of thumbs down for this but I'm going to say it any way.

DON'T DO IT!!!!!

I recently placed my son, granted it wasn't because I wanted to but because my family told me to, but I can promise you this, after you have carried this little person for 9 months and go through the delivery and you hold your baby for the first time, you won't want to let that beautiful little person go, but if you've set up to place and you've chosen a family etc, you may feel pressured to do it anyway so that you don't hurt the family you have chosen. And after you place you son or daughter in their arms it is almost impossible to reverse it, not to mention you will have so many other lives and emotions to think about...

I know from talking to many many other birthmothers that adoptive couples will promise the moon at first and you'll feel like sisters and best friends and it will seem like you've found a perfect family but shortly after placing you won't even be a blip on their radar.

Placing your baby will turn in to a HUGE web of a thousands different issues you will have to deal with, very few of which will be good.

I know not everyone has this experience but I found that more often than not the birth mother... you, will sooner or later regret not having the opportunity to watch that precious little life you created grow.

First smiles, first tooth, first step, first day of school, first date, wedding day, think of all these things and think of whether or not you are willing to give those up. but above all don't EVER let anyone pressure you to make a decision you don't want to make.

I wish you the best of luck and I truly hope you find what you're looking for.

Gaia Raain

Well, the first step would be to take some time and seriously consider the options. Read the books suggested on here (#1 choice, from what I hear, is "The Primal Wound"). Know what each member of the adoption circle will go through before you make any final decisions. Many people on here will tell you that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's up to you to decide that for yourself, but it's worth considering.

Second, if you decide to go through with this, look inside your family first. Close friends, family friends, acquaintances, etc. next. Try with all your might to keep your child near you. S/he will need to know who s/he is. Adoptees have rights that must be protected at all costs...the law sure isn't doing it for them, so it's up to you.

Third, do some research in your local area on adoption agencies and/or lawyers who can help you from there. Make sure you feel comfortable, and don't let ANYONE push you around! You are this child's MOTHER, and YOU know what is best for your child! Good luck!

Heather B

Here

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

Cam

Begin by doing nothing. Carry on as normal because you've got a long time to think about this. I know you must be shocked and scared right now. Even if you do choose to adopt you've got a long time to think about it. It's not a decision you have to make now.

If in the end you're still set on private adoption I can at least share my experience with you.

BPD Wife

Adoption for the birthparent is not a financially expensive process, but as many others here may tell you, it can be emotionally expensive. Be sure this is truly what you want to do and trust your heart.

You also need to speak with the bio-father if you haven't already. He does have a say in this as well and if he chooses to parent the child, that is much easier than going through the process of an adoption. Either way, you will need his signature on any forms that are required for your child.

If you both decide that parenting is not for you , I would recommend speaking to an attorney who is familiar with private adoptions or a local, reputable adoption agency in your area. Perhaps your college counselor may even be able to provide some contacts for you.

Regardless of the information you receive here on Y!A, you owe it to yourself and your child to gain as much information as you can on the process and what will work best for you. Do not let anyone - whether it be another Y!A user, a family member, or any agency pressure you into doing what you don't want to do or what you are not comfortable with. You will receive info from both sides of the adoption debate, but in the end, you need to do what is right for you and your unborn child.

Good luck to you.

cagney

don't commit to any decision right now. take your time. you don't have lots of time, as time flys quickly, but you do have time. do you have anyone you can talk to about this? this isn't something you're going to get over or carry on as usual about.

make sure you weigh all your options and consider them. then decide what you think is best. i can't tell you what is going to be best for you. just that i would like you to make sure you are doing what you think is the best decision possible.

my daughter was adopted and i don't have to words to say how i feel about her other mother. she has to be the most unselfish person i could ever know, and i don't even try to understand how hard it is for her. and to say i wasn't thankful she choose to place her daughter, who is know as i consider her to be our daughter i'd be lying. but i do know that she made that decision after being informed of all the options that were available to her. i just don't want you to think there are just two options available to you.

do you have a family support system? they may surprise you with their reaction and support, if you have that don't ignore them. i was raised by a very young teenage mother, and without support from her family and friends my life would have been a lot different and i respect my mother dearly.

if you do decide to place your child, then make sure you find a reputable agency that offers support to you and caters to you. you will be the one going home empty handed and are going to need it more than anyone. decide if you'll want visits, or letters or what contact you'd like to have. also think about the child and what would be best for them. personally i think contact is important for the child post placement. but make sure the agency respects your wishes and lets you choose adoptive parents that will fullfill their end of the deal.

i can't imagine what you are going through, but i wish the best for you in whatever you decide. if you choose to parent this child i'm sure you'll do a fine job. if you decide not to parent i hope you'll find people that can make things go the way they should. nothing about this is going to be easy. you're going to have to do a lot of deep thinking and decide which is best for you and for that child. my best to you and the child.

First of all really think about it before goin through with it. Believe me you are never ready for a child. I am a mother myself and I was 18 when i found out that i was pregnant.at the time I was living out of my car. I though about adoption too because i didnt think i was ready nor a fit to be a mother. Well I didnt go through with it and I'm glad i didnt. My son is my pride and joy. But if you have your mind set that you do want to go through with it. Then as far as it costing you money it wont. I've got all my info from my mom and she adopted me and my two younger sisters. It depends if you want a open or a closed adoption. A open adoption is where once your child is adopted and say later down the road you would like to see them then you will be able to but if you choose a closed adoption which is what i was then you can't see that child until he/she is 18yrs of age. You can go to the welfare office and discuss it with them. You can also choose who you want to have your child. Some important infor would be when you put your child up for adoption make sure you can give all yours and the fathers medical histroy. Let them know how the pregnancy went. Did you have problems or was it smooth sailing. It was really hard for my parents when i was growing up because they didnt know anything about my biological families medical history and i have a few medical problems.
With all that said please really think about it. Coming from someone who has been adopted and who has thought about it. All growing up i always wonder what did i do that made my parents not want me and it was hard. I couldnt do it to my son. Should talk with your parents about it. Im sure it would be really hard on them to find out that they were going to be a grandparent whether for the first time or the 4 time and they will never know this child.

jgf5822

OH GOD!!!!!!! i am BEGGING you, do NOT give up your child!!!!!!!!!

READ PRIMAL WOUND BY NANCY VERRIER!!!!!!

don't destroy your kid through adoption!!!!! it's the worst pain you can ever put on another human being. please, please, please, DO NOT GIVE YOUR BABY AWAY!!!!!

you need to do research. you will be divorcing your child legally. you will mess that kid up forever.

http://www.geocities.com/counting_to_ten/

Peaness

Have you even considered the possibility of keeping the child rather than giving it up for adoption? Do you not have any type of support (family, friends) who could help you take care of your babe...it may seem unrealistic now but where there's a will there is a way.

If you feel that you absolutely will not take care of that child then I will let other people post on their suggestions on how to start the process.

allchildrenareangels

Hi,

Wow, seems like a lot of people that are answering your question seem to be really against adoption. I know people that have been adopted that don't have all this anger and do love their adoptive parents and don't resent there birth parents either. Look up the question Where does you adoption pain come from. This is a young girl that was adopted at birth that wants to know how come some people feel loss and pain. She never had those feelings. Then there is just some people's different thoughts on there. I just wanted you to know that not all people think adoption is bad. Your child is not necessarily gonna be hurt if you choose adoption. There are lots of adoptive families that will love children just like they would their own. Also want what is best for their adoptive child and will do anything for them. I believe kids can have problems whether they are adopted or not it just depends on how they are raised. I think either way if a child has loving parents that are always there for them they will be just fine. They will be more than fine they will be happy. Any child might have some rough spots because most teens do but, as long as they have unconditional love everything will be fine.

NOW I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IS RIGHT OR WHAT IS WRONG NEITHER CAN ANYONE ELSE ON HERE. YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO YOUR HEART. THE ONLY PERSON THAT KNOWS WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU AND YOUR BABY IS YOU.

If you do decide to go with adoption the first thing you would need to do is decide on who you would like to be the adoptive parents. Once you make that decision the adoptive parents will hire you an adoptive lawyer. After that the lawyer will get a counselor for you to talk to. The lawyer will help you through everything. The adoptive family will be there for you to. They will help you through the steps.. They will want to make sure everything is done by the law. You won't have to pay for anything except possibly travel. I am not sure depends on your situation. If you would like to talk to someone sometime you are more than welcome to email me it is on my profile. Good luck with everything sweety. Everything will be fine.

Love,
Michelle

k girl

do not do it i had to go through that and it put me into deep dapretion from 10-13 and i found my mom and now i live with her and i did not know on my tenth b-day i found out and it hurt to know someone who gave me life did not want to help me grow up that was the worst thing in my whole life plz for the baby dont do it let your mom rais her or your older sister or your aunt or somone but plz dont do it i am 14 you do not want your kid to be 14 and like me a failer all through middle school hate my adoptee mom and dad once agen dont do it plz

Believe

First, though it may seem like it and contrary to what people are saying you DO NOT have "plenty" of time.

Second, if you have not already, tell the father, he is just as important a part of any decision you make and has a right to any decisions made during the adoption process.

If you have truly searched your heart and soul and you know this is what you want to do and the father is in agreement then your first move is to seek out counseling. Your next move is to seek our an adoption lawyer. In both respects if you are not happy with the first or the second or even the third then go to another until you are comfortable with whom you have chosen to work with you through this process.

As this is the very best of the best advice I have I will only offer, welcome and encourage you to contact me, if you wish to talk further. Anytime.

I am a mom of a 23 year old son.

I am also a birth mother of a 21 year old son.

How confusing for you, i see that you are thinking adoption and not termination, that is very unselfish of you to still want to give a baby life and possibly make a childless family very happy. You have plenty of time to think it over. You may find as the baby grows inside you that you cant part with him or her so probably best not to decide just yet

blank

You will get a lot of "reconsider" and various anti-adopt messages on here, so I would first suggest speaking with a counseller that is way less biased if you're not sure whether you'd like to parent or place for adoption, as almost every answer that you will get on a site like this is VERY biased (from some very passionate anti-this and pro-that people).

As far as information about adoption goes, I know that in Canada at least, most agencies will not cost you anything financially. The agency that I know of covers counselling and medical expenses etc. for you as well. The most important information you would need in my personal opinion is to search out each agencies policies on openness agreements, criteria for adoptive couples, and how they go about the legal process. You should be able to easily find an agency that allows you to pick and even meet the adoptive family yourself. You of course also want to be very comfortable with your adoption worker.

I can't imagine the feelings that you are currently going through. I admire your courage to want to give your child the best life possible, while possibly making a big sacrifice in your own life. I hope that you may find the best outcome for you and your baby.

meghananne23

Hi and (((HUGS))))!

Adoption is a very loving decision. You'll be a hero!!! :)

To start, you might begin by calling a crisis pregnancy/adoption hotline. Here are 2 of them 1-800-592-4725 and (806) 745-2574. (The second one has a place where you can live if you need to.)

Secondly there is NO COST to you. NONE whatsoever. In fact, the adoption parents should be able to help you out with living expenses, etc. If you don't have insurance they will pay for the dr's visits, delivery, etc. I even heard of an agency that bought the bmom a car so she could get to her appts.

As for the most imporant info, just remember that this is a loving decision and is the best one for you and the baby. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

(((HUGS))))!!!!

Moe B

I think you should keep it
my father was adopted and he says it was awful and he would never wish it on anyone
although if you really arent the best mother for your child then do wat is best for your baby

katobow

Go to an adoption attorney or to Catholic Social Services adoptions. It should not cost you a dime. Too many parents are out there waiting to adopt. Be sure that this is what you want to do. Another girl on here wants to uproot her baby from other loving parents and this is not good. Also go for a closed adoption. I can't imagine what my life would have been like with an open one. That's just too much for the kid I think.

LindsayM

Is it too late for an abortion? Planned Parenthood can help.

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