Which member of the Triad GAINS the most?

Freckle Face

Hi Sunny,

Adoptive parents all gain and no pain, especially when compared to adoptees and first parents.

aloha.girl59

I can only speak for myself, an adoptive parent. Have I gained anything by adopting my son? You bet! He is an intelligent, sweet, silly little boy and I am lucky to have him in my life.

Did my son gain anything by being adopted? Yes. He gained two parents who are able to take care of him. (We also love him, of course, but I don't doubt that his first mother loved him as well. She just wasn't able to care for him.) He also lost his first family. I acknowledge that and don't diminish it at all simply because "now he has a different family." He has lost something that is very, very important and I can't replace that. I don't try to, either.

Did my son's first mother gain anything because her child was adopted? No. She lost her son and nothing can compensate for that.

Mei-Ling

I am utterly baffled as to why some people on here seem to think "birthparents" gain ANYTHING.

They lost their child. Where the hell is the gain in *that*?

"They were the ones who made the adoption plan! They obviously wanted to surrender their child."

"They were the ones gave away their child or left it in a field somewhere! I would think that they'd be happy their child was adopted in a loving home!"

... except that, y'know, a lot of biological parents DIDN'T want to give up their children? Having to surrender because you really WANT to and having to surrender because you NEED to are not the same thing.

How many of you can guarantee that a mother who IS financially and emotionally stable who *could* keep her child would willingly do so just because she *thinks* there will automatically be a "better life" in America?

Probably none.

That's because she wants her own flesh-and-blood!

Gaia Raain: Well, if you *really* stretch one's imagination... the adoptive parents "lost" the ghost child they could have had.

No, not ALL adoptive parents adopt simply because they cannot conceive. But a huge majority still DO.

Independ"ant"

I'm not delusional nor in a fog.

Adoptive parents especially a-moms.

snowwillow20

Well, I am at the bottom of the triad, so it's not the birth mom. I didn't gain anything but heartache and a life of wondering.

For anyone wondering, I have been through counseling and reunion and that has helped me cope and I recommend it for everyone.

School Nurse

It depends on how each member views his/her glass--half empty or half full.
The biological parents who willing relinquishes her child to accomplish a goal ( no matter how anyone else views it--it's not ours to judge) is given an oportunity to do so.
The child who was willing relinquished by his/her biological parents and adopted by parents who love and adore him/her is given the oportunity to be raised in a loving home.
The adoptive parents who have an abundance of love and desire to be parents are able to parent a child who was willing relinquished by his/her parents.
It's a win-win-win situation if you view your glass as half full.
It's a lose-lose-lose situation if you view your glass as half empty.
It's an attitude thing.
How's your attitude?

jessica300

I'm simply amazed by the aps who feel justified in speaking for women who have lost children to adoption!!!!!!! Especially those who say it is/can be the best thing for those mothers, that a woman who loses her child has gained something. What planet are you living on?

"Glass half empty, half full, it's all in one's attitude", what utter BS. My glass was absolutely empty for 22 years. Neither did losing my son give me "peace of mind".

My god some of these answers are offensive in the degree of ignorance they show.

To answer your question, I certainly didn't gain anything by losing my son.

Possum

Without a doubt - AP's

Sofiakat

I do agree that adoptive parents have much to gain. However, this is not always the case.
Since adopting my children I have had to give up alot because of my son's Reactive Attatchment Disorder. I had to give up my home (because of his screaming), I had to give up my job (because of his strong need to have me all the time), I had to give up the peace in my home (because of his opposition and control issues), I had to give up friends and even some family who just simply do not want a destructive child around), I had to give up my privacy (as my house is often overrun with therapists, cycs and other professionals trying to help my son, I had to give up my personal space and right not to be physically hurt (as everytime he was near me he would physically hurt me and I could not remove myself because the only way to help him heal is to show him that I will never reject him no matter what he does). I could go on and on about all the ways in which I have experienced loss, but I think you get the point. Now is that comparable to losing to your parent or child......No. I would rather have all of this stress and loss and deal with his RADS than lose my son. But it is alot of loss and alot of valid loss none-the-less.

BPD Wife

At first glance, everyone is going to say the adoptive parent, but really it is dependent on the situation and how each member of that particular triad feels.

An original parent may truly feel that they have gained the most if they have chosen not to parent and truly saw the child as an inconvenience (as was the case in our son's adoption).

An adoptee may feel that they gained the most if they are coming from an abusive or hurtful situation.

An adoptive parent may feel that they gained the most because of the love their heart now holds.

The reality is that it's different for everyone. Each adoption is unique and so are the feelings that go along with that.

sam22254

The a parents gained the most. In our case the birth mother didn't give a crap she didn't want to lose her child support for the other child. My son lost 2 years of his son's life and ton's of heart ach in court battles. Wait the a parents did lose they can't pretend the child is theirs and were sued
After all this I think the child lost. He lost almost 2 years with his sister, father and every body in the family.. He lost the home he belonged in. What did he gain- another family full of lies.

AvaRae

Each group has gained something but I feel I have gained the most as the adoptee.

My BP suffered the most loss by placing me for adoption, but through the loss they were able to gain the insight and life they have now. My BP were teenagers and as the stats show would of not been the best situation. My BM said that it was the toughest decision she every made but she knew it was the right decision for me. For that she gained my respect, that she did not lie, but told me that she did make the choice, that it was hard, she grieved for me, but she never regretting giving me a chance. They lost a daughter, but in the end they gained a friend and we are working on a friendship still today.

My parents gained a child who they loved unconditionally. With a child came the highs of lows of parenting. They gained my happy smile, my tears, my laughter, and my tantrums. They gained nights sitting up with me while I was sick, and nights waiting for me to come home from a date. They gained the days watching from the bleachers as I played sports. They gained my hugs and my fits. They gained the good and bad times. Through it all they gained my love and respect. They gained a daughter.

As the adoptee, yes I suffered the loss of my BP, but without this loss I would not of gained the wonderful parents, family and friends I have today. Without the adoption I would not be who I am today and I would never want to give that up. I was able to be who I am, to love, laugh, cry. I was able to figure out life and see what path lay before me. I was not raised in a poor situation where fathers would of came in and out of my life. I was raised in a stable and loving enviroment. Overall I gained great parents, a wonderful family and now extended friends and family.

Sophie

I think all three gain:

Adoptee gains more family that loves him/her.

Natural parents gain the peice of mind that their children are cared for in a way that they don't think they can do themselves.

Adoptive parents gain the joys of parenthood and the honor of having that specific child in their lives. And personally for me, I've gained a whole other culture/heritage to absorb, thus creating a unique family existence for us.

Gaia Raain

Hm...let me think about that...it's a toughie. Let's see, the adoptee loses his or her entire family, their rights under the law, the respect of weird people who think that adoptees are (fill in the blank - I'm sure you've heard them all), not to mention not knowing (in most cases) why they were given up. And they gain new parents. Not necessarily good parents, not necessarily "better" parents...just new ones. Sounds like a crap deal to me.

First parents lose their children. I don't think anyone can dispute the fact that that is a crap deal. What do they gain? Um...years of wondering and worry. Not much else, that I can see.

Adoptive parents lose...um...hmmmmm...well, nothing that I can think of. And they gain a child, which is exactly what they wanted.

I don't know, it's tough. I'm going to go out on a limb and say maybe the AP's stand to gain the most. Call me crazy! (Some already do!)

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Come on Sunny, You know the answer to this! The ONLY party to gain (but there are exceptions, albeit rarely) is the AP's!

Love your Q/A's though! You really provoke thought.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: