Who has changed their opinions on Adoption?

BOTZ

I have changed my opinions since coming here.

My views and opinions changed a lot (from childhood/adolescence) BEFORE coming here, too, though.

Even so, I read back over some of my earliest answers HERE and I laugh at myself because I was so 'timid' and 'careful' about some of the things I said. And, even then, I spouted a lot of the 'happy and grateful' blather that I had learned to regurgitate throughout my life. *sigh*

There are some aspects of my life, exactly as it happened, that I am actually grateful about (believe it or not) but I am not grateful to A PERSON or PEOPLE for them...and I am not grateful (and I never will be) about adoption or that I was adopted because of these little (or littler) blessings that I recognize and appreciate.

"It is a lot easier for me to admit to the pain that relinquishment caused me after seeing that so many other people have felt the same things I have."

Oh my dear! I had that EXACT experience, but it wasn't here. It was a few years ago (spanning my search and initial reunion) on a different forum. What a wonder THAT was to me...to be able to see that I'm not a freak -- or at least not ALONE in my freakhood (*said tongue-in-cheek*).

Thanks for asking this question. I AM grateful (look, there, I used the word...and I mean it) to read the answers that many others have given.

Take care!

sweetjane

Great to hear!!

My first question to this board was something like "how much does it cost to adopt a child'.....my second was, "can we change our child's name'. I got MANY negative responses, and almost left the forum all together. But, for some reason, I hung around. I wanted to know who these people were and why they felt the way they did. I 'HATED" Anastasia and Phil, and I couldn't believe how nasty people were to me. I didn't ask any questions for a little while. Just watched and read Q & A's. It finally dawned on me how stupid my questions were....and how selfish. I didn't mean them to be so, but intent isn't something you can show through this board. What I used to hate, I began to agree with, and fully support. What I used to believe was 'nastiness' I soon began to fully agree with, and I found that the actual 'nasty' questions and answers were ones that came from uninformed AP's and PAP's (like myself) who would post the most self-serving, "I want a white infant" type Q&A's. I guess about 8 months ago, when we had welcomed our foster child into our home....this board was a big help to me. When we met our child's mother....and when we realized that she desperately loved her children, but was simply unable to care for them, it became far less easy to criticize her or attack her. She is literally the epitomy of what any of us could be....what I could have been myself. She is a smart, funny, interesting, loving person, who happens to have a drug problem...which has caused her to do seriously bad things. When she isn't on drugs, she is a lovely, wonderful, warm person. When we met her, I realized all of that....and I realized that the name she gave to her son meant something to her. I could have smacked myself for even thinking about changing his name. There are SO MANY things I have learned from these people, and so much more I have yet to learn. I honestly KNOW that I will be a better person and a better parent to my child because of the lessons I have learned from others. I couldn't be more thankful.
<<Foster to adopt mommy.

ladybmw1218

Not just here necessarily, but some forums and blogs and Y!A and books completely changed my original, ignorant, silly and naive, pre-conceived notions about many aspects of adoption.

I am very glad too, as we (us and first families) have really gotten past all the baseless fear that I think leads to so many problems and unnecessarily painful experiences, communicate openly and honestly, and have created, I think, a special extra large family for DS and all of us.

Had I not read and listened and learned, I may have been mired in fear and uncertainty and defensiveness like many APs I see, and DS would have lived in that environment, and I would have missed out on one of the most important relationships of my life with his first mom. That is no way to live.

Mei-Ling

Yes.

I realized that many P/APs are starting to educate themselves on what adoption really means beyond the "We're so happy to finally have a child!" image.

I realized that people can still learn if you repeat yourself over and over again, because if you SHOUT enough times, people will eventually go from "Oh, STFU, what is your problem" to "WHY do you keep whining."

If you do it enough, they'll eventually wonder WHY instead of just passing judgement on you. Because if you keep shouting, there HAS to be more to it than just "bitterness."

âœ§ â“â“˜â“›â“¨ â™¥ kaelers, emy & bella

I have. Not totally, but it has opened my eyes to things that my own experience with adoption did not allow me to see before.
I no longer am on board with domestic infant adoption, and am much more wary of foreign adoption. I also have a greater compassion for birth mothers.
I still wholly support my godparents/adoptive parents, and I still wholly support adoption from foster care, relative/kinship adoption, which I will likely be going through myself with my nieces.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm still supportive of adoption when there is a genuine need for it and when it's in the best interests of the child, but not when it is conducted unethically and when there could be a better solution that allows the child to stay with their birth family.
If all attempts to keep mother and child together are exhausted, adoption's a lot better than being in the foster system, but it should only be a last resort.

Some of the things I've learned about infant adoption are very scary and saddening, and I did not know that at all before.

As an older adoptee (11 when I was adopted), I lived with my biological mum and had a very bad time because of it, so I guess I spent a lot of years assuming most adoptees would have been better off with adoptive parents, and never seeing the other side of the coin.

My adoption worked wonderfully, but again, I wasn't considering it from the point of view of a younger adoptee who never knew any biological family. I realize it was a mistake on my part to assume that all adoptees are as happy as I am about it, or to assume that because I feel no void that they don't. I also feel badly about assuming the worse of birth mothers, since I've learned a lot about it from listening to people here and reading information they give me.

As my godfather always says, "Assume makes an *** of u and me." I'm glad I've learned what I have, even though it puts a crack in the perception I had of things before.

I also learned that it's better to just step back in some cases. Some people are just so over-the-top angry and resentful and hateful that you can't reason with them. Those aren't the ones that have taught me anything else; all they've really taught me is to just ignore them and that some people use their adoption to justify being a miserable human being. It's a shame, because initially, it made me think worse of ALL unhappy adoptees. They encourage the very thing (ignorance of the less than pleasant aspects of adoption) they claim to want to end by being obnoxious. It just makes people shut down instead of becoming aware of it.

It's always the more moderate and reasonable people that make me change my opinion, not the ones that scream the loudest or are hostile.

Camira B

I've learned so much here that I don't even know where to start. I think the most important thing is that I learned adoption is not what's best for the child (I'm talking about infant adoption with no abuse, neglect, etc). It was this kind of bittersweet feeling to learn that I wasn't being this selfish shameful girl for wanting to keep my son. I've learned that adoption has lasting effects for the adoptee, which I never knew. I always thought they were these super happy people who'd had wonderful childhoods. Disgusting, I know, but that's what I'd been told, of course.

One thing I'm really embarrassed about is the fact that when I first came to the adoption section, I absolutely hated all APs/PAPs. I thought they MUST all be like my son's. And then I met Gaia, Freckle Face, and many more who were actually wonderful people. I've learned that generally, APs/PAPs are misinformed or uneducated (in terms of adoption), rather than intentionally malicious and that many are trying to learn and educate themselves.

Flying Monkey #073177

Mine have changed in the sense that I now see more PAPs as needy and desperate and more APs as trying to inform themselves about how the adoptee feels. I feel the same about my own adoption experiences, I was well out of the fog before coming here.

BLW_KAM

I learned about the term birthmother and the reason behind the dislike of it. That was an eye opener.

I've read the blogs of people in different parts of the adoption circle and found myself absorbing their thoughts, their pain, and their frustration.

One woman here single-handedly caused me to refer an acquaintance to foster care, something I wouldn't have done a year ago because it never would have crossed my mind.

I've learned I'm not the only AP who needs help addressing my child's adoption issues with honesty, empathy, and respect.

And that's just what I've learned in the last four months.

tish_part deux

not changed. confirmed.

rachelrmf@sbcglobal.net

Yes they have I feel that I have learned allot that I did not know. One I was very rude about term with the mother I am adopting from, and I just think by not being a mother myself it is so very easy for me to overlook her feelings and the people hear have really helped me realize that. I also love to hear the different views from adoptees.

Independ"ant"

I'm with Tish.

Jackie B

I agree with you completely. I figured since I was adopted, I'd be in a much better position to be able to understand the needs of an adopted child, and maybe I still do, but I now realize my childhood is way different from others. It no longer means the same thing to say to a child, I was adopted, I know how you're feeling. You REALLY still don't know. No one will ever know since all experiences are different. Do I still want to adopt? Yes, I do but I'm not ready to jump in headfirst like I was just a few short weeks ago. Also, after talking to my husband, he doesn't "get it" and we won't adopt until he does get it.

grapesgum

Not much change here - I remain a mistrusting, skeptical, curmudgeon.

sam22254

I change my view everyday. My grandson was stole by a couple who knew that the father would not stand around and have his child adopted they hid the child with the help of their church adoption agency. believe it or not they cost their church more money than they can ever pay back and their members don't even know that this is what their hard earned money is going for.
You want to talk bitter. My son has his daughter the sister of his son that was put up for adoption who is now 3 years old. My grandson knows all of us and spent the last summer with his dad. When we went up to where he has to live for right now we told him he was going to get to come home for christmas break he would get to see his sister now we find out that the school district where this child lives for the first time is going to release school on dec 23 so my son only gets his son for the 23,24 ,25 and have him back by noon the 26 of december . now he also has to have his daughter back by the 26 at noon. What to do you say. He's going to fly up there and take him back on the 26th LATE their will be no other way. Now all this is going to cost 3 thousand dollars. You would think that this couple knowing that hunter likes his father would want to get along. Now since I have got all that out. Not all adoptions are bad but ones like these where a couple has to steal a child then that's another story

Jill_01

Wow - where to begin?
I've learned to reevaluate my reasons for wanting to adopt. Just 'wanting' to be a mother isn't enough - it's about what is truly best for a child.
I've always respected mothers who relinquished their children for the right reasons, but I've learned a whole new respect for them.
I've learned some people have opinions about adoption and adoptive parents that are harsh and uncalled for.
I've learned I'll never, ever deal with an agency as 90% of them are baby stealing con artists.
I've learned open adoption should never be closed and promises made to the mothers of adopted babies should be kept....with the exception of a mother becoming a danger to that child.
I've confirmed my idea that honesty is absolutely the best policy when it comes to adoption. You don't let a child believe that they're your natural child for their entire life and then drop the bomb on them that they're adopted.
There's so much more.............but I have to stop somewhere. :)

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

I have, completely

Indian-vision

I have. I don't feel to fuzzy and nice about Domestic adoptions in the U.S any more. Many do sound unethical and unnecesarry.

As for International adoptions i only see EVERY country being clubbed under the same group of "unethical adoptions" thanks to the unethical adoption issues in Guatamala and Mexico. And just because a remote case of kidnapping and Australian adoption was in the news recently, people here seem to club India under the same category. When unethical adoptions are rare and not possible.
I seriously feel the myths about Indian adoption on here just make me sad. And i feel the Westerners will just not "get it " about what some one living in the East in an orphanage wants.

Some of the shouting and screaming here has taught me some people would have been better in an abusive relationship as long as they got to share the DNA with the person. DNA is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to many adult adoptees far more than love and nurture.

I have learnt about the BSE. That in the U.S mothers were coereced to surrender . I was sceptical at first. But i believe it now.

Some more may add later.

LittleGreenPixie

I don't think I really had many preconceived notions, because I did not personally know any adoptees, but I suppose in the beginning I did think it was "the better option" blah blah blah. Coming to this site has opened me up to a lot, and made me a worse person for it, unfortunately. I've learned that most adoptees are bitter and resentful people who despise their adoptive families and their situations. I've learned that if my husband has in fact inherited a condition that will make it next to impossible to conceive, we're better off remaining childless because apparently there is nothing worse than adoption. I've certainly changed my mind about whether or not the friends I've had who have had abortions made the right decision, because apparently being adopted is worse than not existing at all. I've learned that asking a mere question about adoption and the hard feelings about it will cause adoptees to fly into a rage and rip your head off just for wondering about something which you admittedly are unaware.
It always struck me as amazing that Anne Frank believed the world was more good than bad. But her life was clearly much better than it would have been had she been adopted, now wasn't it?
I expect some thumbs down, honest people are used to them.

Anastasia's Mommy

I really haven't learned anything from the people here, because every time I asked a question on adoption I got an angry bitter person responding saying that I wanted to rip babies away from their mothers instead of helping the mothers to provide for themselves and take care of the child and that I was being selfish. Which I never could understand, because in the sense of adoption, I don't go up to these women and tell them to give me their babies, its a done deed, and I am trying to provide a loving caring home for these children who otherwise wouldn't have one, and yet I am being called selfish?

I realize that adoptees lose some of who they are due to not knowing their family tree or issues that may have arose from that past, or wanting to know why they were given up... but I've never had a kind response from people on Y!A in regards to adoption.

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