Who should fix adoptive parent insecurities in/about reunion?

BOTZ

Hi Possum,

Who should fix adoptive parent insecurities in/about reunion?
Adoptive Parents -- if they need help it should be sought from a licensed, neutral counselor. Adoptee need not be involved. If they are comfortable being involved, great! I wouldn't be.

Why should it be up to an adoptee to help an adoptive parent with any insecurity issues??
It shouldn't -- After all, who is the "adult" in the situation anyway. Or more precisely, who has BEEN and adult during the ENTIRE adoptive relationship -- certainly not the adoptee.

Yes. Clearly, that is STILL needed, based on some of the answers (and even questions) that pop up in this group from time to time. I would like to commend most of the APs and PAPs who have been here for a while...who have "stuck it out" with those of us that are "angry" and have learned a thing or two...and who are willing to say so.

Take care!

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

It should never be up to the adoptee to alleviate the APs fears. It is not like the AP didn't know that the day may come that the natural parents may not be back in the child's life.

I think more training/education should be done period!! Certainly it should include more about "when the day comes"<that the natural family is reintroduced in to the adoptees life>,

Romany

It's not up to the adoptee to calm their parents' insecurities. Take a lesson from divorce - the advice to divorcing parents is to make sure their children are not asked to take sides and to make sure their children know they can have relationships with BOTH parents after the divorce.

More education is needed from the adoption agencies. Too many adoptive parents were counseled that the child needed to be sheltered from contact with the first parents so as not to cause confusion and to not interfere with bonding with the adoptive parents

Freckle Face

Hi Possum,

NO. You can't fix any one else in life, only yourself.

grapesgum

The adoption workers/adoption agency who let the adoptive parents believe that adoption is the same as "as if born to" should be required to clean up the mess that they created.

No, it is not the adopted person's responsibility. No, they should not be pressured to defend their desire to have a relationship with their biological/natural family.

Yes, more education is needed. But, it is unlikely to happen in the US because the reality of adoption is "bad for business".

Not Adopted

The adoptive parents need to be mature and unselfish in their relationship with their children. This includes solving their own insecurities about family reunion. The adoptee should never feel pressured to take sides or console the parents.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Ditto what you said

sunny

Gosh, Poss, isn't that in the adoptee's official job description?!

Sly

Why on earth would it be up to a child, no matter how old the child, to fixtheir adoptive parents, or anyone to fix another about anything, for that matter. Each person is responsible for their own feeling, ONLY.

Jealousy is not about the person who is the object of the jealousy. It is about the person who is jealous. It is their problem to fix themselves so that they meet their own impossible expectations of themselves.

You fix what you can, and refuse to accept the rest.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

ap's can NEVER understand what we go through. there is not a class they can take. there is not any informal education they can drink up.

they will NEVER get it.

not beyond, "I NEED A KID. I WANT A KID." me me me me me.

Lori A

If they have insecurities about reunion they should be looked at much more closely by their chosen agency. But we all know that ain't gonna happen.

MamaKate

Dear Possum,

It should NEVER be the adopted person's responsibility to "fix" APs or FPs for that matter! We are each responsible for our own happiness and satisfaction. Of course it helps to be supported but in the end, only we can be responsible for ourselves.

I DO think there needs to be much more education for PARENTS about the INDIVIDUAL rights of children. (This kind of insecurity and "ownership" issue often comes up in divorce and child custody cases as well.) Again it comes down to the fact that children are PEOPLE in their own right and, especially when they reach the age of majority, are entitled to their own feelings, relationships and choices.

I asked a question recently about guardianship v. adoption and was overwhelmed by the number of responses from people who stated that they were very concerned about maintaining the status of "parent" after the child became an adult. I am a firm believer that "parenthood" is a relationship that is defined by emotions and actions - not by words on a piece of paper. NO PARENT has rights over their child once the child reaches legal maturity. Adopted or not. Period.

I question this kind of thinking and I do see an "ownership" element there which bothers me. I wish ALL parents could see that their children are PEOPLE and deserve to be treated as such and not things to be manipulated and used to placate a parent's personal insecurities.

I treat my children with respect and trust and would NEVER expect them to be responsible for my happiness or wellbeing. If anything, their happiness and well being is of a much greater concern to me than my own.

As always, JMHO.

Tam

The adoptive parents are responsible for dealing with their insecurities. It should never be the adopted person's responsibility. I am an adoptive parent and I feel that the more people who love my child the better.

Best wishes.

Mom of two

The adoptive parents need to find help to get over the insecurity they feel, there isn't enough love in the world as it is. They need to realize that just as they can love more than one person, so can you!

Indian-vision

Possum- I will extract some of my answer and cut and paste here from another question from where you got the inspiration for this question.

Socially coming from a country that has very strong family values (proof is in joint family system-parents and adult married kids living together- still existing and far lesser divorces than the west )). It is important to never neglect any family members feeling even if that is causing you pain and anguish. Your adoptive folks needs to know you will never leave them. Adoptee should not abandon them at this stage because of the "pressure" BECAUSE THATS NOT WHAT "FAMILY" EVER EVER DOES!! . No therapist can provide that but their child themselves(read the adoptee) !!!

You don't have to take sides because your parents ask you to. Firmly tell them you won't !!

NO EDUCATION WILL HELP UNTILL THE DAY YOUR CHILD STARTS SEEKING. This board won't help, adoptee boards won't help, therapist won't help. Only security, understanding, firm support from their child will.
I equal it to a situation when a mother has a child and soon the child that has been the centre of your being will have another sibling. Many children feel jealous of their younger sibling. So should the mom just say ......"deal with it....not my problem!" No !! she will give the older child a lot more support keeping in mind that this child needs more attention and love while NOT neglecting the new born either. Soon the child will be secure in his sibling relationship.
Yes in this case we are all adults.....but the situation needs the same kind of handling and support from the adoptee. Unfortunately its a lot of pressure.......and i know no adoptee asked for it.
BUT MOST FAMILIES THAT BIRTHED YOU/ RAISED YOU (OR DID BOTH).........ITS WORTH THE PRESSURE,PAIN AND ANGUISH!!

We humans are capable of dealing with this pressure and stress if it was FAMILY. Seen millions in my country handle pressure of wife and mother in the same house both laying claim on that one guy. One says he's my son and i have more rights than you the wife who came yesterday.........wife says....i am his life partner and now you the mom needs to back off. While son and husband handles two volatile relationship in the same house torn apart and pressured. Sometimes EVERY DAY .....all under that same roof!!!They usually don't split from parents but continue under the same roof giving emotional support and security to both.

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