Why are adoptive parents criticized for not providing information that is not provided to them?

Ted

Sometimes when you're a parent you have to accept blame even if there isn't anything you could do or did do.

I can empathize with your situation. We also know little to nothing about our son's background. You take what you have and do the best you can for your child.

Although some may disagree, I think if a birth mother wants privacy then that is her right. That's her choice.

furfur

I am in agreement with Sunny. One of the biggest regrets is I did not push for more information when we adopted my daughter; I asked but was told they could only give what they had and if the nmom wanted to give more info, she could.

We are working on a second adoption now, and you had better believe I will be a pushy SOB until I have what I need! Experience really is the best teacher.

Gaia Raain

I don't think first parents who refuse to provide information are "bad people", but I do think they're selfish and irresponsible. The child's information (history, culture, language, medical history, heritage, genetics, etc.) BELONG to the child. It should be their right to have their own truth. If an AP has this information and doesn't give it, then I'd say they are selfish and irresponsible, too. But if you don't HAVE it, you can't GIVE it. How can that be your fault? I must have missed another question where people suggested AP's must now be psychic.

Romany

My parents even denied that I was adopted. The only information I did get from family members turned out to be wrong - it's entirely possible that the adoption agency lied to them about my ethnic background. So adoptive parents may need to be lie detectors as well as psychic.

To smm: Last I looked, any general genetic tests for health problems cost over $1,000 and are currently the subject of scrutiny, if not outright prohibition, in several states. Specific tests (which are reliable) are not covered by insurance without a documented family history.

Independ"ant"

I missed the being psychic question as well.

There's a difference between not caring to find out the information about the adopted child and closed adoptions which in many cases were not at the request by the mother but "suggested" by an agency and demanded by the ap. Too many paps and ap's just want to get the baby in their possession and worry about everything else later, despite whom it affects.

In too many cases of IA adoptions the quest for information stops at what the profiting agencies feed the ap despite every other reputable human rights organization telling them that an overwhelming number of atrocities are happening against women and children and they are driving up the number of atrocities by demanding healthy infants and toddlers. I highly doubt an agency or attorney making a 20-70,000 dollar profit living in a 3rd world country, will ever disclose that a-child is having health problems because the a-child's parents were father and daughter. I find it amazing that some AP's say they cant afford to search for the truth but then turn around and spend another 20-70,000 adopting another IA child.

sunny

Everyone should push for more information. The mother should have been required to give more info. The father should have given more info--or else cough up child support. The agencies should demand at least as much information as a responsible dog breeder would give to customers. Adoptive parents should be honorable and kind enough to DEMAND more information from the agency--but I suspect that they want a baby, any baby, more than they care about their child's history/heritage.

ETA: to A.M. There is no 'autism gene'. There are children who have compromised immune systems (because of sickness and/or too many antibiotics) who are kept on the same immunization schedule (which has increased from 11 vaccines in 1982 to 36 currently) and their toxic load is overloaded, their GI tracts become destroyed, and these toxins are released into the bloodstream and brain, which creates what we're now calling "autism".

A. IDE

I don't believe either the adoptive parents or the birth parents would be in the wrong. If it is a closed adoption you can't get any more info then the birth parents are willing to share, so how could anyone blame the adoptive parents. As far as birth parents not giving much info, they may only give the info that they feel is needed and nothing more. They have a right to privacy as long as they don;t keep anything that will be hurt the kid later in life secret.

Kazi

Parents always feel guilty about something, I think it's part of the job description.

Tack on that we are adoptive parents... well, we add a whole other layer on there.

I hear what you are saying as we are in the same boat. We don't know one single thing about our daughter's parents. We have ideas, possibilities, but nothing we can claim is 100% true.

We bombarded our child's caretakers with questions, but we didn't get anywhere. We were told that there was no information. We have her finding ad (an ad is placed in Newspapers with the child's picture and info and the parents are asked to come forward and claim her), but nothing about her parents.

Our only insight into their love for their daughter is that she was left in a very busy area that they could have very easily been caught, but I believe that they chose that spot regardless of the risks because they wanted her found quickly. But again, I can't stake my life on that.

As aparents I believe we have a responsibility to try and get as much info as we can, but we cannot force what is not forthcoming. But that doesn't stop us feeling guilty of course.

Heather B

Because that's just the way you wanted it LC. You don't care if a child grows up in the dark as to who they are or where they come from. That much is evident from your Qs and As here.

Dark_Fire_Angel

If the Aparetns dont have any records for the child then they shouldnt be held responsible. I'm a birthmom and my records are open to my little girl incase she and i ever got separated (she's in open adoption). What was really shocking to me was that they also have info for her bfather side stuff i had no idea about him but his mother was kind enough to fill out and send them. If birthparetns choose not to see there kids for whatever reason i dont think they should be force i think it would hurt the child more if they were to have found out that the birthparetns wanted nothing to do with them. I would suggest to any birthparetns if they dont want to see them at least write a letter tell them about there family backround and any medical and explain why they chose what they did and why they do not wished to be contacted. It's going to hurt ethier way but at least they know you know.

LaraSue

Because, don't you know that everything is the adoptive parents fault? If there were no AP's there would be no adoption?
*extreme sarcasm*

Sophie

People who are ignorant on the issues feel the need to moan and groan about it.

smm

in this day and age, a $300 test will tell you what you're genetically susceptible to. which is better than "information" from a birth parent anyway. my biological mother didn't know her father, or grandfather, so she wouldn't know what she's susceptible to anyway. i really never understood the big deal. sure, some families may know they have a history of diabetes and stuff, but some families are so broken they have no idea and ALOT of adopted kids are coming from families like these. i don't know who criticizes parents for not having info, but it's probably the same people who are against adoption and think that if you can't or won't have a birth child you shouldn't have children at all and adoption is evil.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: