Why are people afraid of the truth about their mother's surrenders?

BOTZ

I was not afraid to hear my mother's story. I had wanted to find/see/know her for almost 20 years by the time I actually did. I had gone through the same things that PhilM described -- almost to the last detail. "You were wanted." "We choose you." "You are special because we had to wait and pray for you." Etc.

That's all fine and good but what it does -- just like Phil said -- is remind us of the 'other' mother that 'unwanted', 'unchose' and 'unwaited'.

That rips at the fiber of self-concept. I would have loved to know my mother for 20 more years than I have (4, as of November) but I try to look at the time I spent waiting as a blessing, in that I had the opportunity to process (and dismiss) the 'stories' I had been told all my life. I had worked through the fact that it may or not be as I was told...but the people telling me DIDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW. I needed to find out myself.

I also had that time to rebuild myself. To create a better version of me than "One man's trash is another man's treasure." My parents had said that many times. Never about children (us) but how could they have not known I would draw the comparison when they HAD called me their 'treasure'. I already understood that I had another mother. It was a short trip...but they never thought about it. I don't blame my parents, but the time to work it out (as an adult) before my reunion started was actually a blessing.

My parents are now elderly. If one does the math, there's actually a whole generation missing in my adoptive family. This generation is the exact 'space' that my natural mother fits neatly into. I am 30-something. My mother is 21 years older than me. My parents are 16 and 21 years older than my mother. See how nicely that works out?

Okay...I wandered a little off-topic here but the point is that I was not afraid of my mother's story by the time I heard it. I was not afraid for at least 10 years before I heard it. My parents, on the other hand, might have been deeply concerned about what a reunion would have meant when I was an adolescent. They are joyful now. For me and for my mother.

It all worked out. In my own story, there was NO reason for any of the fear that ever existed. I know sometimes there is a need for concern. I think that is the *extreme* exception, to say the least.

I know the truth can hurt one's feelings sometimes but I believe living a lie (especially being FORCED to) can be the ultimate destroyer.

Just my $.02

Take care!

ETA:
Sly, My mother and I have exchanged copies of my 'NonID' on her and my father (that the agency gave me) and her letter about my adoptive parents/family and me (that the agency gave her). Both are also very "creatively" written. The letter she got also made my heart hurt -- and my stomach curl. It was so sad. I referenced part of it in another of my answers to another of your questions. :-)

ETA2:
Daisy, The 'NonID' isn't the new/amended birth certificate. It is a document (or documents) compiled by the agency/state that handles an adoption to give a summary of non-identifying facts about adoptive parents to the natural parents and vice versa. My adoptive parents didn't have my NonID, so I got a copy from the agency myself. It has information about the ages, education, race, hair/eye color, height/weight, interests, and more about my natural parents. It also contains some information about their families like how many siblings they each have and what their parents (my natural grandparents) did for a living. It had some really general health information. As my parents were very young at the time, that part was not really of any value to me. All this information was collected and compiled at the time of my placement so when I received it at age 24, it was pretty out-of-date. I have talked to many adoptees who have other information included in their NonID, such as first names, cities, and more. I didn't have those. Hope that helps!

Oh, also...the "creative" part I'm referring to is the fact that -- having now met and talked with my mother -- the information I got in my NonID was full of mis-information. While many things were true or 'mostly' true (she has the number of siblings listed but the order/gender info was wrong), there were many, many things that were totally untrue. The NonID she had received about my adoptive family was also full of inaccuracies and flat-out lies. Not all of it, but some really important stuff was totally wrong.

ETA3:
Big_E, SW stands for social worker. As to "Mother's surrender"...you are in the Adoption board...think really hard. What would a "mother's surrender" have to do with adoption? Hint: it's not an "illegal immigration" thing. :-)

PhilM

We are sold a story when we are young. We were chosen. We are loved more than other children because our parents WANTED us. Children usually figure out that that sounds like someone, somewhere else, DIDN'T WANT us. But we hear it over and over again. We were chosen. We were chosen. We were chosen. Thus we are LOVED.

When the truth comes out, it begins to undermine that foundation of self and our relationships to others. If we have not arrived at that place on our own, if we have not prepared ourselves for that reveal, the truth threatens to destroy the psyche. It's a scary thing to find out the dark secrets that lurk around your origins.

Our origin story, the one we are told by others, serves as the basis for our identity formation. To find out other, more unsavory, facts, undoes one of the most crucial pieces of how we think of ourselves.

That is a scary proposition.

JennaBear

it was really hard for me to hear that both my n-mom and n-dad went against THEIR parents to relinquish me. i thought for sure there would have been some coercion, but both sides of my n-family fought to keep me and have me adopted within the family. this makes me sad, especially since my n-dad and his family is super awesome.

the reason my n-dad looked so favorably on adoption is because his favorite cousin is adopted and always felt the closest to him growing up, so he knew i'd go 'to a good home.' i don't know the reason my n-mom thought adoption was best.

sigh. i don't like thinking about it.

amyburt40

People are afraid of the truth because they do not want to see that there might have been a dark side of adoption. I think people want to believe its a good thing. Right now, I believe its too corrupt. If you add foster care adoption, international adoption and domestic infant adoption, its a multi-billion dollar business per year. Its hard for an adoptee to hear that they were coerced out of their parents. Its hard for an adoptive parent to hear that the child that they adopted was stolen from their parents. Its easier for them to reject the truth. I wonder what the children of Camira, Allison, Cody, Stephanie, Shawn, Joshua, Matt, Brynden, Bryce, Ibby, Craig, and the other nameless parents will say when they find out that they fought for their children. Being a child of that situation, I know that ticks me off. People need to answer to me about it. People will need to answer to those children as well.

funkymonkey

I am a foster carer in the u.k
it does not always follow that the birth family did not want the baby/child. in some cases they are heartbroken that they cannot have their child with them. it is the decision of the courts that placed the child for adoption and not the choice of the parent.

Problem Child

Afraid? Not at all. After i met my first parents i found out i had been told a nice fairy tale...they wanted to finish college...they wanted me to have a better life...blah, blah, blah.

That lie that was meant to make me feel better...hurt me to my soul. I always felt like my parents had prioritized me last..that education was more important than I was.

I found out later that they were forced by their parents to give me away. I spent the majority of my life believing I was worthless and not important..it would have helped my self-esteem immensely had I known the truth.

Gaia Raain

I have a friend who is VERY pro-adoption. She has never truly examined adoption in any depth. But it has colored every aspect of her life, and every family member. Here's a sampling:

She is an adoptee. She fears that she may have been a black market baby. She has searched for 30 years for information, and has come up empty handed, but she KNOWS some of the information she was given were lies.
She is a first mother. The father raped her, and she was very young. He made her life absolute hell so that she had no choice. These are HER words, and yet in the next sentence, she will say, "I gave up a child for adoption". I disagree.
Her son is a first father. It is an open adoption and all the adults are very happy with the arrangement. They are happy because his younger (kept) child gets to have a relationship with his sister...sorta. When it's convenient, you know. I don't know that any of the adults have considered how the child feels about this apparently wonderful situation.

Now you tell me - how completely and devastatingly would her world be shattered if she examined any of these facts with any - ANY - depth? Not that I think she shouldn't examine them...I just understand where that fear comes from. Jesus. I'd be scared too. I don't know how many others have similar stories, or similar reasons for their fears, but I would guess it's a fairly large number.

The unexamined life is much more "emotionless"...and when the reality would tear your entire world to bits, examination of it must be terrifying.

ETA: In response to your edit, that is EXACTLY the image I have in my mind when I'm talking to my friend about adoption. She watched a video about adoptee loss, and her response was "...interesting...". That was it, end of discussion. Next subject.

Freckle Face

The truth is a hard pill for many to swallow.

Sly,

please disregard what this "independant" has said its another imposter.

dontknow86

Good Q. I just this yr have talked to my daughter, We haven't meet yet. But she never asked me why. I think it is because of what I might say.

Not Adopted

Because too many of the stories contradict adoption industry propaganda.

myst1998

Because the truth scares people and its easier to believe these children are unwanted and need rescuing.

pink_kisses

im not afraid to admit my mother didnt want me so she gave me up, and im glad she did cause i lived in a loving family who appreciated me and gave me a better life than someone who didnt want me

LaraSue

Everyones "truth" is different. One mother's truth is not the same as anothers and they should not all be painted with the same brush, which tends to happen a lot around here.

Daisey Duck

I do know the truth about my adoption. My parents told me and they were very honest. My mom even said she did not think it was fair that the courts took us kids away. But it was not of her doing, it happened before she got me. My grandparents also told me the true facts of my adoption. Both the stories matched up. I don't really know what you mean by the non Id. If you mean my new birth certificate, to me it is not a non ID it IS who I am. Maybe it isn't who I was but it is who I am today (only my last name was changed). Maybe some have been lied to but it is wrong of you or anyone else to assume that all were lied to. You and others need to realize it is up to each individual what they believe and their own personal choice as to if they want contact. Your story is your story and not necessarily everyone elses. The way you feel in not how all will feel and you can't force them to feel that way. I am happy and satisfied with my life and with the explanations I have been given. Therefore I don't need to here it from someone I don't know.

Edit. Thanks BOTZ I hadn't heard of that before. I'm thankful I had a relationship with my grandparents. They had pictures of my parents and lots of in-site that my mom and dad didn't. Mine was a private adoption through a lawyer and the judge, there was no agency involved. They gave me all the papers that had been given to them.

Big_E

I don't understand what you mean by my "mother's surrenders". Are you talking about some kind or illegal immigration thing? I see the non ID for a son...

also, what does SW stand for?

mcdannells

I would think it would be because of a bad situation, though this could be the farthest thing from the truth.

Independent

because your truth is a lie

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