Why are people so negative about adoption?

Randy B

Shauna, just keep in mind that this is a public forum and as such there are people who feel a need to speak out. Some do it for adoption, some do it against adoption, some are in the middle. Regardless, in public forums such as this you often find more people congregating from one side of an issue or another.

Feel free to ask your questions, have a thick skin with it comes to the answers. Read what you can both here and in other locations and in the end, follow your heart. For everyone that you find here who is against international adoption, you will find someone elsewhere who is for it. For everyone you find here who is against you adopting because they feel you are using it as a second choice since you can't have children of your own, you will find plenty more people who are in your exact situation and who have adopted themselves.

What you find here is opinion, both fore and against. Some based on emotion, some based on experience, some based on outside factors in peoples lives. Read it all then for your own opinions.

Personally, I'm for adoption on so many levels. I'm not against international adoptions since I've done one myself however I realize that there are benefits to foster child adoptions and I have done one of those as well. I was adopted myself as a child, had a very happy childhood and adulthood and I'm not bitter or sensing loss at all. Now, turn that all around and you will find someone like that here. No problems. Thats just the way things are.

As I've said, follow your heart and decide what is right for you, your family and any child you may be blessed with.

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

The negativity comes from (in part anyway) the fact that a lot of adoptions are done through private agencies and there are many that do not practice ethically. The idea is that they "trade in human flesh" or are baby brokers.

Also, it is never a good thing when a child cannot be raised by their mother/father. The child loses a lot, even though they may not realize it. Many adoptees grow up and have issues from not having made that connection. Even babies that were adopted while infants have loss issues.

My thinking is that as long as there are children/babies that are not able to be raised by their n/parents then there should be families who are willing to raise them. Unfortunately it is just not that easy.

I work with children who are in foster care and legally free for adoption. I have read many people on here who would rather people adopt from the foster care system rather than adopt from private agencies.

Try not to get hung up on the negativity. A lot of the folks on here have a lot of reason to be upset. Stick around long enough, you will figure that out. In the meantime, try to educate yourself on the kinds of adoption and what goes on within the arenas that need to be changed. A lot does need to change.....

Linny G

As an adult adoptee, I also do not think you have to be blood to be family. I consider my a family to be the family who raised me and helped me to become the amazing person I am today.

BUT- I also am family with my n family, and to consider them anything else is an insult to me, them, and my a family.

For myself, I wish I did not have to peak badly about adoption, but the system is set up in a bad way. Some of it has changed over the years (as far as secrecy and the guilt which was placed on our n mom's heads, and the lack of psych support for our a parents and us) but I still believe adoption should be The. Last. Resort. Period.

If adoption were TRULY about love for a child, or more parents would foster older children who truly have no family to care for them. But every one wants that new shiny baby, complete with that new baby smell. It helps to ease the pain from the a parent's infertility. Their infertility is also a wound that is hard, if not impossible to heal. Agencies/lawyers/baby brokers say, "Here's your new baby", and usually do not tell you what you're going to go through, either. Adoption is loss. Loss of our natural families, a loss of a child to our n moms/families, and the loss of not having your own biological child.

Possum

Adoption is complicated.

In adoption - adoptees are often expected to be grateful for being 'saved' by adoptive parents.
In adoption - adoptees (in most US states) are not allowed their original birth certificate or any information pertaining to their own adoption - ever - because birth certificates get changed to say that the adoptive parents gave birth to the child (?! - seriously) - and the rest gets sealed away.
In adoption - adoptees are usually not allowed to grieve for the family and links that they lost.
In adoption - children have NO say in anything - it's always based upon adult needs and desires.
My view - if adoption doesn't absolutely have to happen (ie their is no harm present) - then family preservation is paramount.
It's extremely hard to grow up around people that don't look like you, act like you and have talents like you. (a hard concept for anyone that has never lived in a family of strangers - but trust me - it's very disconcerting)
I always said - when I was young - that genetics didn't matter either. (I think I was trying to drown out what my soul was trying to tell me)
5 years ago I finally found a bio sister. We are so alike it's frightening - and amazing - and wonderful. When you've never had it - it's just amazing to find.
Too often in adoption - adults expect adoptees to have loyalties to only one set of parents - but that's not what the situation is all about. The adoptee wants to know and love ALL their families. If the adults have a problem with that concept - then they need to seek help over it - rather than lay guilt on the child. (which my a-mum did - and many a-parents do on regular occasions)

These are just some of the issues.
As I said - it's extremely complicated.
Pull up a chair - read through the questions and answers - research through blogs & books written by adult adoptees.
Adoptees need adoptive parents that 'get' that it's complicated - and not sunshine and rainbows 24/7.
If you can't face the other side - you shouldn't adopt.
I love my a-family - and I love my bio family.
An adoptee has two families - sometimes more (if they've been fostered for awhile)
Adoption as it stands - needs a heap of reform.

I wish you well.

magic pointe shoes

Mainly it's because first and foremost, adoption is based on serious loss. And no amount of good parenting can ever come close to healing that loss.

The sunshine and unicorn fart parade of adoption is win-win really dismisses the real loss involved.

The practices that the adoption industry uses to procure ideal children to be adopted is horifying. The records of where the children come from are hidden for no good reason, and adopted people are treated with less rights than any other person when it comes to their official records.

Very little thought goes into what adopted children's emotional needs are. Very little effort goes into making sure the families involved both on the relinquishing side nor the adopting side are properly informed about consequences and effects of adoption.

It's a whole lot of exploitation.

Heather B

Secrets, lies and sealed records for starters . . .

Needless separations on mothers and babies in place of adequate parenting support systems.

monkeykitty83

Losing your biological family is painful. Sometimes kids have to lose their families, either because they aren't safe or cared for in their homes, or because their parents have died. In some cases children are abandoned and unwanted. Still, no matter how necessary it is, and no matter how dysfunctional a family is, they're still family.

Adoptive parents are absolutely real parents. Families are real families even if not related by blood. Adopted children can have very real and deep love for their adoptive parents, and vice versa. The thing is, before they gained this very real family, they lost another very real family. No matter how great the one thing is, it doesn't erase the pain of the other.

I'm not against adoption at all. (I actually strongly support foster care adoption.) I think all children deserve to be raised in safe homes by families who love them, and if the biological family can't or won't provide that, someone else needs to. But adoption is still hard, and losing a family is still painful. Even if it's the best possible outcome in a particular situation, the things that made the adoption necessary still hurt. I don't think adoption is bad, but I don't think it's a painless joy, either.

Mei-Ling

I do not like adoption because it allowed people - the system - to strip me of my original language, culture, and heritage.

"I am not quite anti-adoption, although that really varies on what one believes to be â€œanti-adoption.â€ If wanting to search for oneâ€™s origins, wanting to relearn the language and culture and wanting to be a part of the original family is considered â€œanti-adoptionâ€, then I guess I fit that ticket.

I do not hate adoption. I can see why new lurkers might believe that I want to completely â€œabolishâ€ adoption and may even think that adoptive parents are EVUL. No, no no. Please continue reading to further understand.

I resent that many childrenâ€™s Americanized names are thought to be â€œbetterâ€ than their original native names. I resent that so many IA adoptive parents do not always respect the original parents. I resent that once the Chinese adoptions have been finalized, there is still the general assumption that just because they have no trail to identify where city/home/parents they came from, that their Chinese identities are somehow inferior to their new American ones. I resent that they must lose the basic instinct of their original mother tongue and culture when they are brought overseas to new families.

However, I believe that in terms of Chinaâ€™s One-Child Policy or the poverty in Vietnam, adoption is a necessary cause to find families for children - not to find children for families. Of course I recognize that in many cases, adoption is a necessity - I am not that naive or idealistic in how the world operates today.

But please do not label me directly as being anti-adoption - that is a very black & white label. Yes, I am opposed to adoption for the theft of identity, language, and culture, but it does have its uses and I am not blind to those reasons. I know there are many, many good adoption cases. I know that not every adoptee will feel â€œstrippedâ€ as I have. Thatâ€™s their perspective and I do not â€œjudgeâ€ them for their opinions.

I have nothing â€œpersonalâ€ against adoptive familes, nor would I ever.

Itâ€™s what adoption does to the original families of origin that I have an issue with."

Adoption isn't black & white.

Lillie

Because I lost my mother, my father, my family.

And the whole world expects me to be grateful for it.

How would that make YOU feel?

sunny

I have an idea.

Let me assign you a new husband. You will not be able to speak to your current husband ever again, okay? I also don't want you to speak of him, becuase that would hurt your new husband's feelings.

We'll get you a new husband--a new and improved version of the one you lost. I mean we are all capable of loving more than one person, right?

As you know, the "lack of blood doesn't mean you aren't family".

Still wanna play God, rearranging families?

Anha S

Because a long with the good, adoption is a loss for the adoptee. That loss is routinely ignored, dismissed, or written off. Oh us rascally bitter adoptees!

I as an adoptee lost my culture, my language, my band rights, my name, access to all of my records, my birth certificate was altered, overall, a whole lot of decisions were made for me and I was expected to sit there and be happy about it. Maybe some don't care, that's there prerogative, and I respect their feelings. But I do. I wasn't a blank slate, my story didn't start when I was placed with my AP. There are other negatives about adoption, such as corrupt agencies, human trafficking, and ethical and moral mishandling of cases that should be brought to the light of day and actually handled.

Please read what you find here with an open mind. Those of us who speak of the negatives have real experiences which should be considered just as valuable as those who haven't had any ill effects from adoption.

grapesgum

Adoptive parents - gain a child

Natural family - lose a child

Child - lose a family

My guess is that the natural family and the child in the equation are going to relate negative experiences. Sounds as though you have only been listening to the adoptive parents side of the equation and don't like hearing the other side.

ETA - Loss is loss - getting a new family cannot replace the loss of the original family. That's like telling a parent who loses a child that having another child will replace the loss of the first child. Why is that so hard to understand???

Annabelle

They think women are coerced into giving up children for adoption to feed the "adoption machine" They think if people stop adopting the adoption machine will have to shut down. They think that people are selling a rainbows and butterflies misrepresentation of adoption and that it is their job to shed light on the subject.

At least thats the impression I have gotten so far

.

Cristobol M

people who need to help children in streets of my country. my brother is in family now is good. i am older and know of the children that need a home. in my country family can not feed children of other. they need parents of adoption.

diamondhawk

There is nothing wrong with adopting. I am the proud new mom of a six week old adopted boy we got to bring him home at 20 days, he was born with meth in his system but is doing great no one wanted to adopt him due to the drugs but my husband and my self said that it did not mater to us that he needed love, and a family just like any other child. Our family has accepted him like he was born into the family. We love him so much, you will be surprised by how much love you have for the children that you bring into your home.

crazychickizback

because they're bitter nasty people trying to make sure nobody else is happy either

Jackie B

I just put up a post about my experiences with the answers I got about adopting. I've always thought adoption was such a selfless act, to take a child in as your own and raise them love them as if they came from your womb. The amount of negative responses I got was so overwhelming. It was like people thought I was into human trafficking. Look for my post "Read this then answer" and you'll see what I've been dealing with. It's like they DON'T want you to adopt. What???? I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with everyone here. If you're anything like me, you'll get all kinds of accusations of being selfish and then if you accept emails, the harrassment continues there. I say screw them all, ADOPT. You will be giving a child an opportunity they may not have anywhere else.

cmc

I am an AP who thinks adoption is great, but there are some unethical people out there involved in adoption. In my experience there are ethical ones too, so be careful who you choose. I also know adult adoptees who are very positive about adoption, but that is not what I hear on YA. I think this group has a certain tone that pushes some people away if they don't agree with the masses. I think it is important to know that adoption is part of real life, and not nirvana. therefore it is good to hear people who are less in favor of adoption, have had a bad experience with adoption etc. But overall I think this group is too hard on anyone adopting or placing a child for adoption. I think you just have to realize this group has a very anti-adoption bias, and read the responses accordingly.

Tara

In my heart I believe adoption is a great opportunity for both parties involved.

As an adoptee I can understand why adoptees might view it as a negative experience. Lots of adopted children go through life long quests in search of their true identity and feel as though it's something they'll never be able to attain. Or similarly, if they don't have an upbringing that is positive, or helpful they might have feelings of anger in regard to their Adoptive Parents. (Even though, a lot of the time, the anger we feel is misdirected--We can't understand, or have trouble understanding our biological parents choice for putting us up for adoption, and in turn it is misdirected at the only real 'parents' we have, our APs.)

Either way, if you decided to adopt I believe you should be emotionally aware of some of the issues and problems you might not envision having. It's oftentimes a tough situation, and AP's like adoptees will have to rediscover the meaning of trust. Patience, and extra attention may be needed, and it's important that parents are able to anticipate some of the issues that will need to be addressed.

I hope it doesn't deter you from wanting to adopt, it shouldn't. It's a wonderful opportunity for both parents/adoptees.

Please understand that it might be a long journey to trust, establish, and genuinely accept your love for us.

apple_chapelle

If you want to adopt, you go right on ahead and adopt. It might vary from child to child, but I know I'd feel so lonely too if I was always stuck in an orphanage believing that no-body in the world wanted me.

If your child ever felt that you took away their identity or any other issue, then I'm certain that if you're good parents--which, I'm sure you are--they wouldn't hesitate to tell you.
There's nothing that a good amount of love can't do.

Serenity71

Adoption is another way families come together... Granted its not all fairy-tales and cotton candy...puppies and kittens playing in the sunshine...daisy chains and picnics.... lazy days on the beaches basking in the sunshine... cuddles and kisses and fluffy things that are cute and adorable...did i miss anything? Heck I want some of that stuff in life! And i bet my kids do too...(Every kid has to have a puppy or kitten, if not we'll buy them a toy puppy.)

Do adult adoptees want their kids to be miserable and unhappy and hate them for being born because you know that wasn't their choice to be born?I think not, so why would an adoptive parent...

You know kids at times have issues with their parents, its not exclusive to adoption to be told to be 'grateful' about being in a good home etc....(But then biological families have their own set of issues to deal with. )

I love my kids, and if it wasn't me that someone else (living in reality here not dreamland) would have become their adoptive mother. (Since you know i had nothing to do with their bio mothers choice to sign relinquishment papers...she did that long before the phone rang in our house, till then we were in the dark about becoming parents.... I'm so lucky it was me...

There are positives in adoption too. I have adoptee friends that are happy, and became adoptive parents themselves. (Even had reunions with bio parents, but are still happy people... ) If it was all bad why would they become adoptive parents themselves.

Gabby Due April 29th!

Adopting our daughter was the best thing in the world? it took awhile to get everything finalized but in the end it is all worth it. We were told we couldn't have children and are now 18 weeks pregnant and are wondering if we are going to love the new baby as much as out adopted daughter (jk). i would suggest it to anyone.

Lee Is Almost 2!!

i think it is a beautiful thing to open ur home and ur hearts to a children that isnt blood..god bless you for caring about the unwanted children

hot_kokoa

I have no clue some people are just ignorant. I prefer adoption there are so many neglected children in the world who need a loving family. I would actually prefer to adopt than have biological children.

Clarkey

there is nothing better giving someone that ahs been abandoned a chance at life go for it...

cuh8djuh11

I think it is WONDERFUL!

sowhatifitis

I pray to God everyday, that me and my husband, can find a baby/child to adopt, i have always wanted to be a mother.

Tag23

People are negative about one thing or another. That's their thing
Don't waste your time on them

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