Why are so many adoptee's so against adoption?

Reiki Chick

I think the key is to look at each case individually. Not every adoption is the same, and how each person will react is not the same, so its not really fair to generalize.

However, some people who have had negative experiences seem to assume that their experience is the same for all adoptees. Truthfully that's not the case.

I think adoption can be wonderful, but the needs of the individual child really need to be taken into consideration. Adoptive parents need to be prepared to answer hard questions that will definitely come up as the child grows and learns about their situation. And wherever possible, its best if the birth family can be included in that child's future. Whether that be letters and pictures, or even visits, its best for the child to know where they came from and how they came to be adopted. Sometimes - its not possible, but if ALL the adults involved keep the focus on what's best for the child, then the child should be able to have a loving and fullfilling life.

Just my thoughts.

TaraForeverGoneWithTheWind

What makes people mad about Adoption is that most most of the cases involving adoption are usually shady

* Just because the Adoptive Parents are well to do have a job and a good marriage, and other wise better off then the natural mother and father

-Does Not Mean that the child will have a better life with the Adoptive Parents!

* Many Feel that being in the care of your natural family is the best interest of the child because it gives the child its natural upbringing helps the child have a better sense of origin and helps them with there natural primal bonds that they share with there blood relatives

* Many vulnerable pregnant mothers are coerced ''forced'' in to believing that they are not good enough to parent there own child because of her marital, financial, and age status not meeting the guidelines that society thinks parents should have.

* Many Individuals ( Adoptee's) whom where victim to those kinds of adoptions , tend to have a very angry outlook on there life about there adoption , they may be mad at there Adoptive Parents or angry with there natural parents for giving them up, They also may have a feeling of unoriginality because there not surrounded by people whom resemble them and have blood ties with them. Some also suffer from years and sometimes life long mental illnesses because of the separation they have had with there natural family

* Many individuals whom hope to adopt PAP's (potential Adoptive Parents) feel that there in titled to someone elses child because there life is ''better'' then the natural mothers witch is a fallacy, they make the adoption about them when its not it is about giving a child whom otherwise does not have any paretns a home and a family that will love and care for them !

When natural parents for certain reasons are incapable of parenting a child because there severely mentally/ physically disabled or abusive to there children or deceased
then those children end up in the pool of The Foster System witch is a verry sad and depressing place for anyone to go threw

those are the children that need help and need parents thats why Foster care is the best ethical solution for an adoption to take place
but no PAP's are so focused on getting an infant an not focusing on what best for the child they adopt
and there are infants in foster care as well so Its not like they couldnt adopt an infant the (PAP's ) should not focus on tearing apart a natural family because they are so focused on getting what they want

Thats what angers people about Adoption, An is also what makes Foster to Adopt the best ethical solution

cruzgirlz3

Imagine that were taken at birth from the family you live with. That you never had the chance to know your mother or your father or your siblings. Imagine that when you tried to find them you were told it was none of your business that you were to trust that being taken from them was the best for everyone. You take the relationships you have now for granted because you have had them your whole life. Adoptees don't. We missed out on what you have had your whole life. The fact that many of us were given wonderful replacement families doesn't make up for what was lost. Some adoptees suffer from the loss profoundly.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with adopting a baby from the adoptive parents point of view. They get a much wished for child. There is plenty wrong from the perspective of the adoptee and natural parents. That;s not to say that adoption isn't necessary sometimes, just that it is complex and not the win-win situation it is promoted to be. Stick around here and you will learn a lot.

å°é»ƒ

Short answer:

Read blogs. Educate yourself.

http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/
http://heartmindandseoul.typepad.com/
http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/
http://yoonsblur.blogspot.com/
http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/
http://faithsandillusions.blogspot.com/

Long answer: See my PM.

Tad W

Despite De's rather self serving claim to the contrary, there are a total of two instances of something like adoption in the Bible. Moses, who was surrendered by his mother to save him from Pharoah's decree to kill all male Hebrew infants and who later repudiated his adoption and became bitter enemies with his adopted family; and Ester, was was an orphan raised by her cousin Mordecai. Biblical Hebrew of the Old Testament and the Aramaic language spoken by Jesus didn't even have a word for adoption.

I am not an adoptee, but I have spent a considerable amount of time researching this question. There are at least three primary issues that an adoptee must deal with. Separation of the natural bond between mother and child, dealing with questions of why their birth mothers chose to relinquish them, and questions of their personal identity.

Newborn infants know who their mothers are. Experiments have shown that a newborn can tell the difference between their mother's milk,scent, and touch and that of another woman. They are born with a natural instinct to seek their mother's breast for nourishment, and they have had the full gestation period to get used to the sound of mother's voice and the rhythms of her life. There is a genetic and biological connection, an emotional connection, and a spiritual connection. From a religious point of view, one may also consider that the bond between mother and child is something bound in heaven. When this bond is severed it is traumatic for the child. No matter how much people like De want to rationalize otherwise, the bond with the adoptive family is not as strong nor is it of the same caliber and quality as the bond between the birth mother and child.

If a child is raised by an adoptive family with the knowledge of his or her adoption, then the child must grapple throughout childhood and adolescence with that knowledge. To the immature, emotional mind of a child, that is often interpreted as evidence that their original mother did not want them and that they are somehow "defective" or not worth keeping. No matter how loving, caring, understanding and patient the adoptive family, the emotional reaction of the child places the child in inferior status. The presence of siblings born naturally to the family may make these issues even more acute. If the child is not told at a young age, but learns later -- especially if they've come to suspect the truth -- then there are issues of deception with the adoptive family, and these too can bring on severe emotional trauma.

Finally, a child raised in an adoptive home is typically raised with an assumed identity, a legal fiction, that pretends that he or she is someone other than who she or he really was born to be. This is especially true if the adoption is sealed and birth certificates and other records are unavailable or falsified (legally), names are redacted, and so on. The child knows he is not really a member of the adoptive family (all pretense to the contrary aside) and yet the truth of who he is is kept from him by government order and family secrecy.

Even when the adoption is open and the child has frequent contact with the birth mother or family, the child's identity is still confused, and the rationalizations to explain the adoption don't ring true. There are still expectations that the adopter's parents are to be called "grandma" or "grandpa" while the real grandparents are "aunt Jane" and "uncle Joe." The child is forced to live in a great big lie about who he is... All the while being taught that it is wrong to lie. To the literal mind of a child that can be both confusing and painful.

LaneyF

Try to look at it like this...lots of people get nose jobs, most elective. SOME actually really need their nose to be cut into because of things like deviated septum or a fracture..some just want it done for random reasons. But if most people who have gotten surgery said DON'T DO IT, wouldn't you think these are the people that know best about it???

SOME children need adoption because of abuse or neglect/abandonment. but a large number of adoptions are done because there are a demand for *new* babies. Adoptee's really have the most insight on adoption...maybe you should listen to them.

Adoption outside of foster care is very rarely needed. If these mothers had more support and aide they could keep their families together! It's unnatural for a mother to carry a child and then another woman to raise them as her own.

People don't realize (or care) that instead of paying 20,000-50,000 on an adoption, they could donate that money (which obviously their not hurting for) to help families stay together instead of being ripped apart!

H******

In 44 states, adopted citizens lose equal treatment under the law. I don't like being something that causes the state to discriminate against me. Unfortunately, my state discriminates based on a person's legal status as "adopted" or "not adopted." In that regard, I don't like being "adopted." I don't like knowing that I do not receive the same rights as the non-adopted.

Sunny

Right.

There are a lot of infertile couples who would REALLY appreciate your making a baby for them...so please have a baby, give birth to him, and them give him away to strangers, okay?

blank stare

Why am I against adoption? Because I was adopted.

Matt

First I wanted to say good answer cruzgirl ! Basically what it comes down to is that no matter how many adoptees try to explain to you where they are coming from, The truth is you will never understand what its like unless you have been through it yourself!

Lisa S

I've been reading in this forum for a while now, and the sheer number of people who seem to have been injured by the process is scary. That gets very little press, but I am starting to understand a little about the feeling of abandonment. Most of the answers you have gotten are based in real life...and there is no denying that a person who is "given up" is not going to see this as a happy solution. I think they have pressure put on them to deny their feelings, and that's not right.

You are asking a question about something that effects them personally...so don't be surprised if the answers are passionate.

Honey Bees

I must be the odd one out then?? I was adopted when I was a baby. I believe if I got pregnant today I would try my hardest to make ends meet and bring it up, but knowing the economy and the types of jobs I would get, I probably couldn't give the baby the life I want it to have and I WOULD give my own child up for adoption.

I am very grateful for being adopted and if my experience was so great, I imagine my child's would be better off as well.

Rachelle

because they are angry about there adoptions and asume that all ppl that want to adopt are steeling or traffiking baby/children. they are to caught up with there anger to realise the great thing that adoption can be i also think that they believe that all babys are stollen and never given away when thats not true when a birth mother is pregnant and look into adoption they have the write to say NO if they dont want to put that baby up for adoption its not as if they are forced to do it.

sandra F

Because people think blood is more important then anything else. My ex doesn't have the mental to take care of kids but she likes the idea of a perfect family. She grew up in foster care, her mother kept her sibling brothers though, even adopted a little boy after her. My ex has 3 little boys, walked out when the youngest was 2 weeks old. I took legal guardianship of them all. Since she has had 2 abortions within a year. She now lives with her mother who lives in the projects, has a pit-bull and who's house is filthier then any homeless person's hut. What upsets me is that there are people who feel the boys should be with her cus that's their mother. The boys know who their fathers and mother is but they also know I am the one who takes care of them, that I love them too. The parents come by once a month, if that. She came by this past weekend, all she did was talk on the phone, smoke outside a curse like a sailor..I had to ask her to leave cus she had a problem with me letting them watch educational cartoons...she wanted them to watch tom and jerry(she really wanted to watch it)

Since her visit the three year old had been cursing the others out, the four year old called the baby a p*ss* but no that's their blood mother...give me a break

minimouse68

Id like to turn your question back around on you somewhat.....why do you think adoption is ok? Why do you think its ok for children to have to grow up feeling less than worthy? Unwanted by the people who gave them life?
I was adopted at birth during the BSE. My first mother was shoved into a prison...ooops home, for unwed mothers against her will. While she carried me she was forced to work like a slave, she received no pay for the work she did. She was not allowed to leave the property. When I was born I was taken from her...completely, she wasn't even allowed to hold me. Later, when she was presented with the relinquishment papers to sign and she refused, she was bribed with being allowed to hold me, 2 whole hours, that was all she got for the next 34 years. She never recovered from losing me, being forced to relinquish me shattered her life and the lives of my younger siblings, she died just 4 years after we reunited, she was only 53, I have no doubt that being forced to abandon me contributed to her ill health and early death. Incidentally, if I hadn't been reunited with her, I too would be dead. When we met I had active cervical cancer, I wasn't aware of that though....it was only after I learned of our family history of the disease that I was tested. I also inherited from her the cardio myopathy that killed her, again, because we were reunited, my doctors and I are aware of the problem and unlike my mother my condition is treated and controlled.
I know that a lot is said about open adoption, it is the bribe used these days to coerce young women into relinquishing their children.......open adoption in not enforceable, it can be closed any time the adoptive parents wish..... No child should have to grow up with the hurt and pain that newborn adoption brings by its very nature. Feelings of abandonment and unworthiness are not something that can be controlled by explanation, it doesn't actually matter how good the explanations are, reality bites....for whatever reason and adoptee was unwanted by their first parents and that flat out hurts. Even those adoptees on here who tell you adoption is a wonderful thing will also tell you that they have experienced issues with abandonment.
Why do you have to go through foster care to adopt in order for it to be ok? For children in foster care the home you give them is something they desperately need, you are actually helping the child not yourself.

Sarah

I am adopted and I think people need to learn what adoption really is. Most people think it is giving up your child and never seeing them again when the truth is there are so many different kinds of adoption. You could have an open adoption where you get regular photo and letter updates with visits or there are closed adoptions where you could let your child be raised with another family and they could reach out to you when they feel ready. You could adopt from another county(I was) or you could adopt from a family member. You could adopt you spouses kids or your sisters kids. there are so many ways to adopt. I think adoptee's who are against adoption had a bad experience not knowing their birth parents. I was adopted from Korea and it killed me to wait 18 years before i meet my parents and maybe thats why some adoptee's dont want to adopt. I personally want to adopt when I get older because I can help them and sympathize with them because I went through it. I think in general though people just need to be educated about adoption.

Some people think the only person a baby can bond with is the one that gave birth to them. I disagree. I am sure people will not like my answer and will give websites to support their cause. People won't like that I think adoption is great and yes I am an adoptive mother but I also had a step father and while he never legally adopted me, he is my father in every sense of word. I bonded with him because he was there and he loved me.
My children know that they are adopted and I feel we have a very strong bond. I was lucky enough to be there when they were born and the birth mother even refers to them as my children. Of course when I send my letters of updates and such to her, I refer to them as our children. Adoption has been a round for a very long time. You can find many people who were adopted in the Bible. Even courage's women like Hannah who prayed for a child and promised to God he would be raised by the priest to serve God. He answered her prayer and when the child was weaned, she did as she as she promised. Just have to take the stuff you see on this web site with a grain of salt .
Whats right about adoption is a person who wanted a baby gets one and the birth parents get the chance to do what they needed to do to change things were they could some day try again

xoxome

some people that give out their babies are worried about tha babie's future and if thay can see him or her later on so they see if that family is able to adopt a responsibility but even if their parents don't care, people in charge of the baby have the responsibility to garantee a good future to the baby and they can even get fired and that will obviously be in their records. think about it this way. if you weren't loved by your parents and unexpected child or they didn't had enough economical resources or you got taken from them you can have the same opportunities as a baby with a healthy family and a good future but then if you can't have your baby when you're older it will be hard because you know everything what you went through and will even want to adopt several kids.

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