Why are some people against adoption? i think its an awesome act of caring and love!?

myst1998

Everyone who is ignorant to the horrors and pain adoption has inflicted on countless people internationally and buys the rainbows and happy crap the media portrays thinks and believes adoption is 'wonderful'.

Its called opening your eyes and educating yourself. How do you think babies become available for adoption? Do you honestly believe there are young women who just get pregnant and automatically think oh I can't manage so I will give my baby up?? No, usually someone tells them they would be a useless mother and they have no right to keep their own child and the coercion tactics begin.

Many people in Germany didn't realise what was going on with the Nazis straight away... couldn't see the evil they were perpetuating and those that did were persecuted and murdered for it. This is not quite the same (yes, I do realise that - that said people have been murdered for their babies and there is a huge black market adoption ring out there where children are abducted and sold to the highest payer) but adoption has still become an evil that has been used to break up families for years. Sure, on the outside it looks all rosy and like everyone prospers but mothers and their infants are not MEANT to be separated and adoption for the sake of building a family for a couple who cannot have children contravenes Article 25 of the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights as well as the Rights of the Child.

When adoption was ONLY about providing an orphaned or an abandoned child a name, identity (in the case of an abandoned/orphaned infant) and a family, then it was something that was good. But that has long since ceased and adoption is jumped on all to often and too easily these days for the sake of others. Changing the names of children who already have names, taking babies from mothers (contrary to what a few people here want to believe, when you coerce a woman to sign a document severing ties with her baby then that is actually taking her baby) and falsifying legal documents (i.e. amended birth certificates), that is unethical and is not in any way shape or form about love and care for a child.

If people truly loved the children they were interested in helping, they would opt for other ways outside of adoption like Guardianship or permanent foster care (where permanent means forever). This way a child maintains their identity and where safe and in the best interests of the child, varying degrees of contact with their family. Adoption should only ever be used where it can be proven with documentation that a child has no family and no extended family to take them in.

Mei-Ling

I am not quite anti-adoption, although that really varies on what one believes to be â€œanti-adoption.â€ If wanting to search for oneâ€™s origins, wanting to relearn the language and culture and wanting to be a part of the original family is considered â€œanti-adoptionâ€, then I guess I fit that ticket.

However, there is something more Iâ€™d like to add to that: I do not hate adoption. I can certainly understand why - based on many of my responses here - people think I want to completely â€œabolishâ€ adoption and may even think that adoptive parents are EVUL. No, no no. Please continue reading to further understand.

I resent that many childrenâ€™s Americanized names are thought to be â€œbetterâ€ than their original native names. I resent that so many IA adoptive parents do not always respect the original parents. I resent that once the Chinese adoptions have been finalized, there is still the general assumption that just because they have no trail to identify where city/home/parents they came from, that their Chinese identities are somehow inferior to their new American ones. I resent that they must lose the basic instinct of their original mother tongue and culture when they are brought overseas to new families.

However, I believe that in terms of Chinaâ€™s One-Child Policy or the poverty in Vietnam, adoption is a necessary cause to find families for children - not to find children for families. Of course I recognize that in many cases, adoption is a necessity - I am not that naive or idealistic in how the world operates today.

But please do not label me directly as being anti-adoption - that is a very black & white label. Yes, I am opposed to adoption for the theft of identity, language, and culture, but it does have its uses and I am not blind to those reasons. I know there are many, many good adoption cases. I know that not every adoptee will feel â€œstrippedâ€ as I have. Thatâ€™s their perspective and I do not â€œjudgeâ€ them for their opinions.

I have nothing â€œpersonalâ€ against adoptive familes, nor would I ever.

Itâ€™s what adoption does to the original families of origin that I have an issue with.

Please see my link if you are still curious as to why I have this perspective.

magic pointe shoes: Oh wow, you should copy and paste that into your word processor document for every time a question like this comes up - I'm sure it'd be a real eye-opener and it gets to the point VERY quickly.

IDK!!

Adopt'ING' is a great thing when a child needs a home, but adopt"ION" as a whole is greatly flawed. Many children lose the mothers for ever without cause. Can you blame anyone for being pi**ed?

ETA
It's not only about love.. If you lost your spouse today and found another love next year, would you stop missing your first love? Would you be okay if you love were replaced for another?

ETA2
Who cares about how much WE (aps) love our children. "LOVING" a child is for us, the parents to enjoy. So it's not about how much we will love (enjoy) our kids.

Anha S

I'm against certain aspects of adoption, like the child losing out on their own name, culture, language, parentage, history. I'm against coercion of first families. Against corrupt agencies who are out for themselves. I'm against the purchasing of human beings. I'm against ordering up a child like someone would order at a fast food joint. I'm totally for the humanization of adoptees, and the forming of an adoption system that really does have the child's best interests at heart. Which includes proper resources to deal with the effects of Adoption. I must say I had an easier time finding someone to treat my balloon phobia than I did to help me deal with my adoption issues. They cost triple what other therapists did, and he STILL wasn't knowledgeable.

ETA: I lived under the ghost of my APs unconceived children. I can easily say I was not loved like they would have loved their own, and I know others just like me. I didn't look like them, or anyone else in the family. I stood out like a sore thumb. I just didn't have that bond with them that I know they would have had with their own.

ETA again: Not listening to the negative is what has a lot of adoptees kicking and screaming! It just goes to the whole lets humanize the adoptees!!

Looney Tunes

A true act of love is something a selfLESS person does---Sacrificing one's own interests for the greater good.
In many instances of adoption, it is done by selfISH people--- Placing one's own needs or desires above the needs of others.

See the difference?

A true act of caring and love is adopting a child that needs a home, a foster child, an orphan, etc....not a "blank-slate baby" to perfect your family.

Note: Your first sentence: 'I would love to adopt a baby!"
Meanwhile, over 150,000 children are familyless in the US and need adoption.

tish

go through hours of labor, push that baby you're expecting out of your under-carriage, and then give him/her away. when you do that, return and have this debate...

magic pointe shoes

Oh yes, it is an awesome act of caring and love... well except when you are the one having to relinquish or abandon your child. Notice how after you made that claim you were quick to follow it up with "i would love to give away a baby!" Oh... what's that you say? That isn't what you said at all? Well pffft.

Notice the ugly in the answers here about mothers like me who have relinquished? At least we didn't choose abortion! Oh thank heavens. Who would really believe that maybe just maybe I didn't want to relinquish my baby and that I loved him just as much as you love your baby you are currently pregnant with. Nah, that can't be it either. Maybe it's really messed up how adoption agencies and the general public talk about selflessness and the kind caring choice when it comes to relinquishing.. and now that I've been there and done that, it's not unicorn farts and daisy spit.

snowwillow20

I think if you have never given up a child to adoption or never been adopted, then you might have different views on adoption than we do.

edit, I forgot to say I'm a first mother.

Nameless

Ideally a child should be able to stay with its natural mother. Living in the womb for nine months creates a bond that is life long. There are however some situations when it is not possible for a child to remain with their parents. Adoption should be more about finding homes for babies then babies for homes. Birth mothers need to be fully schooled in their options and given as much support as is possible before turning to adoption. That and their are far more PAPS then babies, when we have thousands of children wasting away in the foster care system. I'm not saying you couldn't love an adoted child as your own or that adoption doe snot have its place, just that that drawbacks.

ladybmw1218

>why do people say that you will never really love them like your own?<

Who says that? Most of those who are against adoption and/or for serious adoption reform have the child's best interests in mind, and have concerns regarding the mother-child attachment, coercion and pressure on expectant moms, adoptees feelings wrt identity and security issues and other sociological problems surrounding adoption in general.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

hmmm. well, first, i needed my mother. not a stranger.

second, feeling like an outcast because you are nothing like your a-family is not fun.

being sold as a piece of meat to someone was not cool either.

i'm not into human trafficking.

if you must, please go through foster care. those kids NEED homes.

almost human

Adoption is all about desire.

and the single minded pursuit of that desire.

It all boils down to that.
I mean, think about it.

I'd be less against adoption if I knew the children were at the very least going to honest individuals who can take a hard look at themselves and admit this truth.

That in the beginning was their desire.
And they were willing to participate in the process of surgically removing a child from one situation in order to transplant them into another.
Yet this desire feels so good and so right how could it possibly be wrong or hurt anyone? Ever wonder why adopted children seem reluctant to talk about adoption?

Adoption is an awesome act because it gets you children, and children are fulfilling and rewarding.

But you know, having parents who feed you happy rhetoric is NOT awesome. Happy rhetoric is a delusion employed by narcissists to reflect only favorable images of their actions back on themselves. Can you see how manipulative that is?

If I knew the children were going to honest people - people who cared about children enough and loved children enough to ask themselves the hard questions, the probing questions, the kind of questions that change you into better people, then I wouldn't be as opposed to sending children into the unknown experiment that each and every adoption is.

But, sadly, I survey the landscape and mostly I see self-congratulatory people in a mutually supportive fraternity of denial who claim it's all about the kids and all about rescuing them.

So that's my main reason I'm against adoption. Because the adoptive parents are not appearing to be very evolved mature people. And I only want children who have had difficult beginnings to go to the best parents possible who will TRULY think about and put their needs ahead of their own desires every time. There is a higher moral imperative to do better.

As to your second question, people might say that you will never really love them like your own because you inadvertently just pointed out the distinction that they are different while trying to argue they are the same. The truth is, they ARE different. Your denying that difference isn't going to help you get to real.

These truths don't go away. These truths are the foundation of the adoptive parent/child relationship. To build a relationship on lies is a recipe for failure. Happy questions about happy rhetoric produces superficial families with rhetorical love.

CAT

It is true you will never love your adopted kid as your own. You will always have a bias for your own kid than for the adopted one.

RPMR

This question has been asked over and over on YA! Even by me about a month ago! Check out the links below. Some of these answers will really surprise you. I really got a lot (including education) out of them. Don't mind the offensive and mean ones. The 2nd one was my question!

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ArRT6nPHpQws_2NH78OtLSUjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20070724210332AAi5yJO

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApymTT10Jp0Nv.Z2HEdHpzEjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20081001075511AAgNalA

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmGjz0gxWhxP3DmPX08BIyQjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20080923060552AA4ki75

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmGjz0gxWhxP3DmPX08BIyQjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20080923060552AA4ki75

BPD Wife

Adoption can be great when it focuses on the child. However, there are many agencies out there who focus on profit rather than the child. There are some first mothers who are coerced into placing their child for adoption, and many more who are lied to about what their rights are. The same can happen with adoptive parents too - many do not know the truth about the biological families or the practices of the agencies. When adoption is about profit, then no one wins.

However, when adoption is done for the safety and needs of the child, with the child being at the center of all the decisions, then adoption can be a positive thing (in most cases).

As for anyone who says that you cannot love a child of adoption as much as you love your own....I disagree. My son is my son - regardless of how he came to me. I love him with my whole heart and nothing will ever change that.

Lillie

Well okay then, make an adoption plan and give away that 2nd baby you are pregnant with.

Go on, do it.

If adoption is so wonderful and loving and caring, then give YOUR baby to someone.

Not Adopted

If you think adoption is so great, why don't you give up that second baby you are carrying? Then you will know how if feels to be a mother without her child.

Besides, they are so many people who can't conceive, so why do you need a second child? Why not give the baby away to one of those deserving childless couples?

celtic.piskie

Caring???

LOVE???

Let me take you away from your mother, tell your mother you're dead. because OBVIOUSLY your mother can;t handle it as she's 25 and alone.

I'll put you with a wonderful family, they paid good money for you, so they MUST be nice.

See if you still feel that way after your a-parents break your
-Jaw
-eye socket
-fingers
-ribs
-teeth

All because the lovely nuns thought your mother couldn;t do it on her own, and told her you were dead.

Doesn't that sound like a fluffy story of widdle wabbits and love.

sexyplaydoll129

well im against adoption because of the raw deal that happened to me and my kids 3 of my sons were adopted the other 2 placed in long term foster care but when u serve a God who will always answer ur prayers things will cahnge my oldest son came back into my life when he was 14 now i have my oldest 3 sons in my life and i havent seen my twins since they were 9 they are 14 now i never once signed any papers to have my kids adopted it was what the judge ruled i believe that money paid a part of the raw deal me and my kids got but the good thing i know is that 1 day all 5 of my boys will be back at home because they are always in my heart and i know i will forever be in their hearts i didnt buy my kids love it was natural mother love and i thank my God for love.

Randy B

I can't understand it but thats primarily based on my own personal experiences as an adoptee and a two time (soon to be three hopefully) adoptive parent. Everyones views are shaped by their personal experiences. Some have had good, some have had bad some have had not too bad but they long for something different. It's all unique and thats what forms their perspective. Of course, with any online forum you tend to get different groups and different dynamics forming and it may appear to some that either all are against adoption or all are for it, depending upon when you come around or which questions you frequent.

Rowan

i wouldnt label all of them anti adoption. I am an adoptee myself, and i grew up in a happy home. However, some have not been so lucky. They have reunited with their birth parents, and have discovered that they adoptions were done due to pressure from family or lack of a wedding ring, or other factors.

I believe you can love an adopted child as your own. If you cant, dont adopt. Many here will tell you the child will always feel out of place, or "wrong". thats not always true. Be prepared the child may want to find their bio parents.

mony sue

I used to think that I would never be able to love another child as much as I did my first. That is until the second one came home.Now here's the catch. My first is not my bio. The second one is. I love them both so much that I didn't think I could love another. Oops wrong again. She was 14 when she came to live with us. So I guess the answer is a person has not a clue how much love one person has to share until there is some one there to give that love to.Just because my dna matches one kid and not the next has nothing to do with loving all my kids to pieces. They are all mine! ! ! Thanks for asking this question. I was wondering the same thing.

due 2/25 with a gil!

that you can love a child just as much if you adopt then if you give birth. i had a foster child that we had from birth till she was about 6 months and i loved her with all my heart. while we had her my husband and i got pregnant. and even though im excited about this new baby, i still miss my little girl and cry for her.

Nicole

They're ignorant really... the only people I've heard say that are usually birth mothers, and/or people who are unable to adopt or those who think its completely wrong.
Personally, I think it takes an amazing person to adopt a child, whether you can have your own or not. Honestly, I think one who can have their own children but chooses to adopt one is so giving of themselves. They have a great home and life and want to share it with another child who so desperately needs that.
I do not agree that you can never love them like your own. Getting up with them when they're ill, protecting them, teaching them, loving them... that is all the same whether the child is from your blood or from another.

dontpanic_109711

I think that those people have never adopted a child. Therefore they don't know the power of love that you get when you hold the baby in your arms, and know that he/she is yours, regardless of who gave birth to him/her.

Ms. Elizabeth

I don't get it either! I have several close friends who are adopted and they are loved just as much as their siblings! I think that it is wonderful for a couple who cannot have children or someone who wants to provide a different life for a child (instead of foster home or life in an impoverished country). I hope to have my own children one day but I would also love to adopt a child as well!

AdoreHim

you are going to hear this as a response- "adopting is not always a bad idea, but the word adoption is"- that is ridiculous. I am so thankful that my birth mom loved me enough to give me lief and place me -without coercion to place me for adoption. My hubby and I have 2 adopted children- and I know they were not "forced" by anyone to place. As a matter of fact their families and friends, were wanting her to abort. You go ahead and adopt- and don't listen to the negative. I know plenty of biological children, that did not have a good childhood- my husband included.

Mourning my Mom

People are ignorant about how much love your heart can hold. Some people cannot love themselves, or others, and cannot see how other people can put themselves in a vulnerable situation.

They haven't spent enough time with children, generally speaking, and do not realize that you can love all children.

beachgirl

I have no idea why people feel like that. I personally agree with you, and I feel adoption is a much better alternative than abortion, unlike some other people who think abortion is a good choice. I think a possible reason that some people don't like adoption is they may have had a bad experience with adoption in the past (eg. being the adopted child and not getting "chosen", or maybe they were trying to adopt and were on the waiting list but never got an opportunity to actually adopt a child)

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