Why do adoptive parents feel intimidated when first parents come searching for their birth children?

Carol c

Melanee,

Wow! You sure elicited some strong reactions with this question!
As a first mother myself, I can understand an adoptive mother's nervousness, on one hand. However, on the other hand if a mother/father REALLY love their child, they will want what is right for them. I would hope if I had adopted a child and found out that their first mother was trying to make contact, that I would be loving and mature enough to want them to know that their first mother loved them and never forgot. After all, it's not as if when you adopt a child you don't know that she/he came from another woman's womb. And since there's so much information out there in the media about reunions and states opening their records; why would it come as such a shock?

In all my years of being involved in adoption support groups, one of the saddest things I regularly saw were adoptees sneakingly coming to meetings to learn how to search and not wanting their parents to find out because they said they just couldn't handle it. Several adoptees I worked with were in their 50's, 60's and one in her 70's - they all waited til their adopters had died. I think this is pretty sad.

Perhaps it's natural to be afraid of the unknown if you're an adoptive parent; but I would suggest it's time to be the parent and be supportive about something so natural for most adoptees. And, remember this - if a mother can love more than one child, a child can love more than one mother or father.

Dan B.

a gift is an inanimate object not a person!

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

I WAS NOT A GIFT!

my parents were more than 100% supportive when i searched.

Mimi

My bio mother made my foster parent's lives hell. They never said anything bad about her, they didn't have to, her actions spoke for themselves. But she literally terrorised our family at times and all I wanted was for her to go away. In situations like that I disagree that a bio mother deserves any respect beyond what you have for any human being. My bio mother did nothing special, she got smashed off her face, got pregnant with me, wasn't sober enough to know she was pregnant, then when she gave birth to me she dumped me with her drug dealer.

So no I don't think it's necessarily ok for bio parents to bother the adoptive family, only in some cases.

Pretty Marvelous

They might not want to loose the love or bond with their child. Its kinda like, oh, what if they like their birth parents better? Thats my take on it.

snowwillow20

It's just fear.

Heather Leigh

I don't think it is fair to lump all AP's together. I would love for my son to be able to have a relationship with his other Mom. SHE is the one that told him to never contact her again.

He does have a relationship with other members of his bio family on both Mom & Dad's side of the family. Because I know that it is important for him to hav that connection to his family.

JoHn S.

In your first paragraph, you refer to 'your children' 6 times, while referring to the adoptive parents as someone that 'raises a child'. It's not too difficult for me to understand why some adoptive parents might be intimidated when the biological parents come looking for 'their child', the one they are simply 'raising', if this is how it is presented to them.

Also, I don't think it's always about the fear of how a search could affect THEM, the parents, but maybe their child instead?

SJM

I have someone else's adoptive mom that I talk to about these things. We were discussing this recently. She actually helped her son search. She said that she knew from the moment she adopted him that someday he would want to know, and she had tried to prepare herself for that. She was supportive of the idea, and she provided him with the name and hometown of his mother. She was still upset when he found her. She wasn't upset with him, she was just upset. She was afraid that he wouldn't need her anymore, and that the relationship would be over. Of course, that didn't happen.

LaPri

There has to be a way to contact the parents of the child to get info and maintain some sort of relationship. I think it probably is a case by case situation. If the parental rights were terminated voluntary or involuntary, the reason for the pregnancy, the relationship between the two biological parents ETC.

You most likely have a wealth of info (health history) that the child really needs.

Offer your info and maybe that will open doors for you. Don't be defensive because you will put others on the defense.

yeahright

I agree....a child should always be able to know who gave birth to them. Adoptive parents should never hide that truth from them.

bananarama

bacause after years of caring and nuturing and love and spending every waking moment caring for a child and loving them like your own to have someone jump into the picture and say hey im your mom the AP cant help but to fell like the bio mom is not trying to take the child back or want the child to choose them and depending on how old they are they just might not knowing any better. Look at it from the AP's point of view. I spent many a night waking my parents up in tears cuz i couldn't sleep cuz i wanted to know answers about my bio family, why did they leave me stuff like that. but i was also abandon in the middle of the sidewalk. i could only imagine how my Amom would feel after spending all those nights by my side just to have my bio mom pop back in my life outta the blue. I think it would have screwed my head up even more than it is

Just me

uh... because they think the child will naturally want to be with the natural parents...

Sonora

Maybe they are afraid the child will love their birth parents more.

Erin L

Well, as an adoptive mother, I'm not threatened. I think a lot about dd's first mom, and the loss that both experienced. I could never do anything to make that loss worse or prevent something that could be healing. I'm actually assuming that it will strengthen the bond between my daughter and I for her to have me understand her natural connection to her biological mother.

Deans

I agree with you. I think many adoptive parents must really be insecure in their relationship with their children and feel they will lose them to their real mom. Adoptive children should get to know their biological parents and viceversa.

emma

i'm in no way involved in adoption (i've neither adopted nor been adopted, nor have i given a child up for adoption) but i figure they feel threatened because they might think that, though the birth parents have given their child up, they're back to take it away again. though adoptive parents didn't go through the pregnancy and labor and all that, they still love it, and it's still their child. they probably fear losing it.

andmic510

Because as an adoptive parent, you consider yourself THE parent of this child. Biology does not a parent make you. That is a fact. All the long nights, love, care, energy, fears are threatened to be blown away by that biological parent walking back into their lives. Most of the time, that of course, is not what happens, but I think it is the fear of the unknown. Actually, I have friends who are adopted and have no interest whatsoever in their birth parents. So, it may be an unfounded fear, but a fear nonetheless.

Kate

Well, in my case it was myself that wanted to look for my biological parents, horror story the reunion was, the worst of the worst I've been told. However, my parents knew this one day would happen and were prepared for it.

CNS

That's a really interesting question, with a lot of feelings attached I'm sure.

I don't know of any adoptees or adopted children, so this is an outside point of view, but here's my best guess... Adoptive parents obviously love their children with all their hearts, just like the biological parents would. They've spent years protecting and loving them as their own, and taking care of them the best that they know how. But maybe in the backs of their minds, they worry about the child getting to know their biological parents because the child might decide to "love" them more, and leave the adoptive parents for the biological ones? Even if the child says they would never do such a thing, it must be a very painful thought that the kid COULD abandon them for their genetic family.

What if the child thinks they belong with the biological parents now, instead of the adoptive parents? The idea of losing the child in ANY way must be very painful, even if the fear is unfounded. It's a difficult, natural fear that would be hard to resist, no matter how logical the adoptive parent was trying to be. Even if they didn't give birth to the little boy or girl, it's their child now, and their entire world revolves around them. The heartache of somehow losing that child's love would be unendurable.

Otherwise, it's possible that not all biological mothers who put their kids up for adoption aren't as honorable as yourself. I'm sure most were people who just got into a hard situation and wanted a better life for their child - but there could be some who were forced apart from the kids because of drugs or abuse or something the child might not even remember. The fear of THAT might scare adoptive parents, and they would try to protect the child from that kind of situation.

I do think it's important for a child to meet his or her biological parent, because when they never know, it's like their missing out on a big part of their lives - their heritage, where their genetic and personal traits arose from... But there are a lot of things that could scare a adoptive parent very badly about their child meeting the biological parents, which is probably why you're getting shut out.

Anyways, I hope this helped a little, and I look forward to hearing more opinions about this. Good luck finding an answer that puts your heart at ease, or puts your mind to a better understanding.

IDK!!

First, i have no problem with his relationship with his mother. I love that he knows his family, it's his special thing and deserves it.

Second, Oh, nevermind...... you don't want to know anyway......

gypsywinter

I am simply astounded by some of these answers from adoptive parents, especially adoptive mothers. I am sitting here shaking my head in disbelief. If we are speaking here of a natural mother searching for her now ADULT child, no very ADULT natural mother needs the permission of an adoptive parent to contact another adult, other than the adopted person, his or herself. The ADULT adoptee can now make that decision for her/himself.

Here is an example of ADULT associations. I cut off ties for very definitive reasons from some of my in-laws some years back. My daughter (borne of me and raised by me) chose to restart a relationship with her Aunt and Grandmother. This Aunt & Grandmother had not contacted their neice/grandaughter for many years. Yet I did not stand in the way of my daughter getting to know her Aunt & Grandmother again. I supported her in that decision, afterall these were her blood relatives. All I asked was that she did not try to include me in these relationships, which my daughter has not. I was not afraid of these people entering my daughter's life again. I knew my daughter was quite the adult and as an adult these are choices she was entitled to make for herself. I could not fathom to think, that my daughter as an adult, would need my permission, nor did I ever want her to feel or think that somehow I would be mad, upset or 'threatened' by her having relationships with relatives, simply because I as an adult chose not to have. I knew I was my daughter's mother, and I had no misgivings about the love we have for each other.

I searched and found my first daughter lost to adoption as a newborn back in 1964. I did not give her away as a ''gift'...no human being is a 'gift' to give another!! I had no choice other than surrender in 1964. She was 34 yrs old when I searched and found her, quite the adult and with a very important position outside of her personal life. She did not ask for 'permission' from her aparents (they had been divorced for a very long time). Yes she told them that I found her, and yes I have met them. That not withstanding, no adult needs permission from their parents to associate with another adult, no matter the relationship, whether approved of or disapproved of by the parents.

I am very sorry to hear that so many adoptive parents here are so terribly insecure in their role of 'parent'. If you truly loved and raised your adoptive children to the best of your ability, you have nothing to fear or be threatened by when natural mother and adult child reunite, no matter which one did the search. My daughter's aparents are still very much her 'mom & dad'..and she refers to me as her 'mother' in relationship of..but does call me by my first name which I have no quarrel with.

And for the person who talked of the child/adult child who doesn't even know they are adopted...shame on those aparents who would hide the truth from the child they so adamantly profess to love. It would appear to me those type of aparents are more interested, more selfish about their title, rather than lovingly embracing and sharing truth with their adopted children. No one respects lies and secrets, no matter which side it comes from. No matter what...the truth is always better then the lie!!

I have to say after reading some of these answers here from aparents, I am thankful that my daughter's aparents never hid the truth from her and were at least, mostly receptive to her reunion with her first mother. Maybe her amother had a little more insight into motherhood and true mother love...since she would borne her own daughter not long after she adopted mine. When her amother and I first met..she would give me a photo album..all pictures of my daughter from baby up to her graduation from medical school..inside she would write a short letter to me..and spoke of ...'Our Daughter'!! As my reunited daughter has said to me, and I agree...she surely does have TWO Mothers!

Bouvier

As an Adoptive Mother, I believe, for me, your answer is actually in the next to last paragraph of your question. You state that "the most important part of being a mother, is LOVE". With that said, we as Mothers, anticipate the "loss" of our child, like your heart being ripped out, or the way you would trade your life for your child's to protect them.

I certainly would not discourage my daughter's bio mom from being a part of her life, actually, I am struggling with the fact now that she is not responding to us. I want my daughter to be able to put some of those questions to rest. To see her eyes, nose, lips, etc., in a blood relative. To maybe be able to answer that question of why she likes a certain hobby or craft, etc.,

Plain and simple, for me, I would fear losing my daughter, even though you try to put it in the correct perspective, you are talking about a maternal bond, and a love so incredibly strong that you would give up everything you have, even your life, in an instant, if it meant your child would be happy and safe. And finally, yes, I do understand that you feel the loss every day, and hurt as well. Not personally, however, again, as a mother, can put myself in that position, or try and imagine that pain.

Mei-Ling

The responses here are unbelievable.

"Biology is nothing, really."

Right. Except that without the biology that created YOUR adopted child, you would not have had that child to raise.

"They're threatened because they've built their life around this child, raised it and watched it grow and now someone is stepping into the picture that, whether or not they want to, then threatens to sever a bond between the adoptive mother and the child in question."'

Why do adoptive parents 'assume' the first mother plans to create a rift between child and amom anyway?

ETA: Yes, I did. But there is still this assumption - intended or *not* - that the birthmother will somehow create a rift. That simply because she breathes, the APs must remain "cautious" because if she comes back into the picture... is that an underlying subconscious fear that the APs will think everyone else doesn't consider them as the "real parents" anymore?

As everyone on here has said firmly stated, the birthmother LOST ALL RIGHTS. She is NOT raising the child - therefore how could she "create" a rift between the APs and child? The child is being raised by the APs, and even open adoption in domestic adoptions is not really allowing the birthmother to raise the child. The mother lost the right to parent.

This whole caution thing is emotionally understandable, but not physically possible. In transracial adoption, it is even less so.

ETA 2: "I was not assuming the worst of the birth mother, simply stating the possible outcome of the introduction of the birthmother to "their" child at the incorrect time."

For some APs... there will never BE a 'correct time.'

"They feel to and for their adopted child as they would if it was born to them naturally with all of the feeling of a tender and loving parent."

Actually, I've been debating about that for some time now.
Specifically on *this* blog: http://joy21.wordpress.com/

Joy is a biological mother who was adopted, then almost ended up being pressured into giving up her own child. She argues that infant specialists declare that the biological mother is the best option for a child and cannot be substituted by an adoptive mother in the "same" way. Check out her recent blog entries.

mr. domestic

I will be an adoptive parent in 6 days. :)
We have been foster parents for our little girl since she was taken from her parents at 7 weeks old. We are all she knows. She turned 2 on December 14th. Her parents did nothing to get her back except show up to 4 or five visits. Came late to those or had to leave early. Our little girl was number 6 for this mom who has none of her children. She was given so many opportunities and chances to keep our little girl....
If she comes knocking on our door some day I will close the door on her face. I am being honest here. i think she would e selfish to go looking for her kids.
When our girls gets to an age where she wants to go looking for her parents, I will be right beside her in the search. It will be on her time and her time only. She will know she was adopted and there will be no secrets but like I said, I don't think it's in the best interest of the child for mom to go searching when "she" feels like being a mom. You were given a chance when God gave you a beautiful baby to love and protect. If you couldn't take the help and guidance that was offered to you whe nthe baby was an infant then your child deserves better.
After having this baby for 5 minutes I would have done anything for her.

stonechic

Since I am an adoptive parent, maybe I can help with that issue:

When a couple decides to adopt, they place their hopes, dreams and desires for a family in the arrival of the baby that will become their child. They feel to and for their adopted child as they would if it was born to them naturally with all of the feeling of a tender and loving parent. The idea that someone else, no matter how loving they were to make the selfless and honorable choice of adoption, could later come and take away 'their child' after their emotional and physical investment in the life of the baby is scary. [NOTE: And before you say to yourself, that doesn't happen, there have been enough reports in the media (including one within the last couple of months!) where a child was ripped away from loving, caring adoptive parents and given back to the birth parents to make people frightened that it could happen to them, too! ]

Adoptive parents worry that even if the child is grown, that the affection and love will be transferred away from them and toward the birth parents as if all they have done for the child didn't matter. The parents worry that somehow what life they have provided them will be looked upon by the birth parents as being less than they would have wanted or that the birth parents will question their decisions on how they have decided to raise their child.

While we are grateful eternally to have the blessing of the baby that you have legally given to us, we are also fearful that any legal agreements that we have jointly made regarding custody of the child will be breached. It's easy in this day and age to change your mind and get a lawyer who is willing to move heaven and earth to do whatever it takes to breach the agreements.

As birth parents, their is a right at the appropriate time (which varies in each state regarding legal age) to seek out the child they placed for adoption. But to simply seek out the child for the sake of satisfying their curiosity or to let them 'meet their siblings' is a potentially hard thing for both the adoptive parents and the child in question.

Parents worry that the stability of their home and family will be upset. They worry that their child will wonder if the birth parents 'hated' them and 'gave them away' and kept their siblings or why they didn't take the other children into their home. Children seldom understand adult decisions!

Sadly, the "genetic bond" you describe isn't always as strong as you indicate. Sometimes, there is no bond at all. For those who feel a pull to find their birth child, the issue is complex and confusing. For a child who desires to seek out birth parents, it can be equally daunting.
So many adoptions have occured where the birth parents never look back and who do not desire further contact. The ability and willingness to care for a child goes far beyond shared DNA and deals with issues of responsiblity, financial provision and creating a secure environment for the baby.

Likewise, there are children who have no desire to meet birth parents, who feel the parents who raised them are the only parents they have. To have the intrusion (which is how they might view it) of birth parents into their life can be painful and bring sorrow.

It is not in dispute that you remember your child. Of course you do! It's only natural that every year, you think about the child that you carried and brought into this life.

But you need to understand that parents who adopt a child do not consider themselves "stand-in's" for birth parents who just 'weren't ready'. We ARE the parents of the child in question - legally, physically and morally.

We appreciate that you think about and wonder about the life of the baby that is no longer yours to rear and raise as you see fit.

We understand that the decision to let go of the precious baby you brought into the world was an emotional crucible few will ever endure.

But as adoptive parents, we ask that you understand the crucible we have endured in trying to have and create a family. The agony of not being able to conceive, or conceiving and losing the baby after the idea of a nursery, a name and a life come into being. The sorrow of knowing that there isn't a natural choice left.

Then, the joy of knowing that a baby who needs a family, father, mother and, possibly other siblings in time, can come into the home and help make the hearts whole - it's a blessing that defies description.

Parents feel threatened when anyone or anything attempts to create havoc in the lives of their young.

Talk to your own parents about how they feel about YOU and the relationship between you and your birth mother. If they were always open with you and felt no threat from your birth mother, fine. But realise that some people choose not to be as open of that relationship and opt for closed adoptions or sealed records until a child comes to the age of majority.

Carnie C

i'm an adult adoptee who was found about 9 years ago.

I was not happy to say the least. When bparents do the TPR they give up the right to know. period.

Mom of 1 & Expecting!

But you're not the parent. Biology is nothing, really.

You gave the child up for adoption, and therefore lost the right of calling that child 'your' child. I'm sure it was a hard decision, but when you give up the child -- you are giving up your right to that child 100%. (kinda surprised you're so confused about this....)

If you had an open adoption that's one thing - but a closed adoption, and contacting the family years later...? Not your place to do so.

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