Why do most people that are "pro adoption" think it is a wonderful thing to give up a newborn to a complete...?

SJM

I don't think the question is oversimplifying at all. And this really is a fairly black and white matter. It is never wonderful to give a newborn to a complete stranger. The bonding process begins in utero, and losing that bond at birth is always a tragedy. Even if it is completely unavoidable, it is still a tragedy. I feel bad for the babies, and I also feel bad for the mothers as many of them were told that relinquishing their children was a selfless and loving decision.

*****

As for all parents becoming parents out of selfish ambitions, puh leez. I had children because my parts were working. The timing was horrible. It was the middle of a recession. I was barely 18. My 3 month marriage was a giant mistake. My life would have been much simpler if I hadn't become pregnant. I did. I kept my child because I KNEW HE NEEDED ME. I knew that because I was adopted, and I knew the pain involved. I knew that no amount of money could replace what my child needed most--his mother. I became a parent because it was the best choice for my child. (Of course, it was well worth it. My children are undoubtedly the best thing that ever happened to me.)

Heather B

It's a self-serving view

Not Adopted

They think it's wonderful because they see the happy couple who "deserves" a baby. The mother isn't thought of at all....unless she has the audacity to change her mind and keep her own baby.

Then watch what happens - she is crucified as a selfish, evil, scum of the earth mother who stole a baby from those long-suffering would-be adopters (how can you steal a baby that is your own flesh and blood?)

No one gives two hoots about the mom, all they want is a baby.

cantstopLinnyG

They think it's a wonderful thing to give a child to a complete stranger because they ARE the complete stranger. They think it's wonderful because they so badly want a child of their own, and some will do whatever they can to get a newborn just to fix their own needs.

Newborn adoption is almost NEVER about the child's needs, it's about the infertile couple's needs.

They will tell themselves and friends that they feel bad for the child's first mom, and speak of her very lovingly. That is UNTIL the child wants to know and search for their first family.

Adopting an older child through foster care, is a different story. Those are the adoptive parents who "get it". That it's about the child, NOT them.

Independ"ant"

Selfishness and in some cases mental illness.....all they can think about is their infertility and/or desire to get their hands on a baby at any cost. They feel entitled because they think that materialism is more important than maternal bonding.

As far as those that relinquish....many are vulnerable and are brainwashed/manipulated/guilted/pressure... into doing it.

Agencies and some Paps use the same tactics as religious cults use to recruit.

cmc

I consider myself "pro-adoption" but don't think the whole thing is "wonderful" for everyone. In an ideal world there would be only planned pregnancies. However there are unplanned pregnancies, and unwanted children. In some cases adoption is the best solution for those women, but it is not "wonderful". It comes with a lot of thought and pain. I don't imagine it was a piece of cake for my daughter's mom, but I am glad it was an option for her, and that she could freely choose it. For my husband and I it was wonderful, because we were unable to have a child on our own, and love our daughter as much as any parent could. However I know my daughter will have her own grieving process when she realizes that she has another mother that she doesn't know. I hope they will get to know each other when my daughter is older (her first mom doesn't want contact now).

I don't think there are many people out there that think it is wonderful for a woman to have to choose to give up her child. However life isn't perfect, and sometimes hard choices are necessary. Sometimes the best decision is raising the child from and unplanned/unwanted pregnancy, and sometimes the best decision is to choose another family for that child. I'm glad in the US women aren't forced to abandon their child outside an orphanage etc as in the case in some countries. Our daughter's mother could choose the family she wanted, choose how much contact she wanted, and know that most likely some day her daughter would contact her. She got to see the three of us together as a family - something that was important to her when deciding on adoption. I'm sure there was also a lot of pain in the adoption for her, and I do think about that, and realize it is something that I can never fully comprehend.

Jennifer L

I think you are oversimplifying the situation.

I do consider myself "pro adoption" in the sense that I don't automatically assume that adoption is the world's worst atrocity. But that said, it is a complicated and emotional issue and these "all or nothing" statements do nothing to attempt to bring that into context.

People shouldn't have babies in order to provide them for other people who can't have them.

But if a newborn surrender must take place (and I don't believe that EVERY SINGLE newborn adoption is a result of lies, coerscion or bullying tactics), then adoption is the logical alternative.

Is it the best alternative, of course not.

Dream_Weaver

If a mother chooses to give her child up for adoption than it is her choice. Now remember that people are choosing to do this. Sometimes accidents happen and people can't or don't want to be mothers. We can't judge them by their choice because it is their choice. As for taking away the infant, how do you know what the child is feeling? We have a foster child who was born drug positive, not traces of but a full blown drug addict, and his mother hasn't been to see him in four months. We picked him up from the hospital at birth. A week or two ago, the parents showed up for a paternity test and when she took the baby, he acted like it was just another stranger holding him. Should I feel sorry that this is her fourth child that was taken away from her? Should I feel sorry that she can't make the effort to show up to visits when she lives down the road from Children's Services? Should I feel sorry that she would rather do drugs than be with her children? No, I don't feel sorry at all. I try to understand, but it's her choice and in the mean time, we get to experience every day with this wonderful little boy.

While other situations aren't as extreme as this, it's not your choice and no matter what you or I say it will happen. I would rather a child grow up in a home of strangers that take care of them than a home with parents who don't.

SamAzsli

Because all newborns are handed over to strangers. They dont know the father and only know the mother a tiny bit.

Newborn adoption means the baby doesnt know that they being givin up.
If the parents cant handle having a kid than no I dont feel bad for them.

cathrl69

I think a lot of people here are missing the basic point.

Parents don't want to have kids because they think it is in the best interests of the kid. Not adoptive parents, not foster parents, not natural parents. They want to have kids because _they_, the parents, want to have kids. I simply don't understand why adoptive parents are vilified here for a perfectly normal, natural urge.

Show me a parent, adoptive or otherwise, who decided to have kids purely because they thought it would be good for the kid, with no thought about their own desires. I'll show you a liar.

And yes, I'm expecting 11-15 thumbs-downs for this.

Yummy Cookies!

Let's see adoption vs. being murdered (aborted) or growing up in the foster care system with no family, and being dumped in the street when you reach age 18? I think being adopted by a loving family is a lot better than the other above options.

Vegan_Mom

My life has been blessed with four adoptees. My brother, two cousins and an ex-boyfriend. My brother has no desire to find his biological parents. Our parents ARE his parents. One cousin did find his mother and his family just has a new member. The other cousin had no desire to because she was essentially a drunk from what I understand. (She drank when she was pregnant with my cousin who has suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome). My ex wanted to find his parents, but last I knew (ten years ago) he did not have enough information.

By the grace of God, my husband and I will adopt. There are babies out there who are just essentially abandoned or unwanted by their biological mothers. Why not give one of them a loving home with an older sibling, two parents who want to be parents and all of the material things they need? If we can, we will do open adoption or at least have all of information for our child if s/he chooses to look for his/her biological parents. Selfishly, I would miss being pregnant, but it would be worth it just to give a home and a life to another child who may not have otherwise gotten it. Also, I believe that what ever child we may adopt, we will be as much meant to have him/her as any biological children God will bless us with. In the end, we will be a family, biological or adopted.

frogtoes

Several years ago our family faced this situation. My daughter got pregnant at 17 and knew she didn't have the necessary maturity to raise the baby, nor did she want to stay at home and let our mother raise her and the baby. Our first thought was abortion but the night before the procedure we both decided it was not what was right for us. We checked out private adoption and although it was the hardest thing she ever went through she knew the baby was in better hands and it was a win win situation for all. She was also encouraged to write a letter to the baby telling him that she didn't give him up for adoption because she didn't love him but rather because she loved him enough. Today she is married and has other children and very happy.
The adopted parents also have an older adopted son. Both boys have been told they were adopted from an early age and when the timing is right they are told who their birth mother is and are encouraged to look her up. In the end I guess it is how both sets of parents handle the situation that makes it a positive situation for the child when they get older. Hope this helps.

Jim

For me it is not so much that adoption is so wonderful; it is that the alternatives are so bad. I think I am safe to say that in all cases where mother gives up a child to be adopted, the birth mother is not in a good position to raise a child. She is either too young, too poor, too sick, too drugged up, too drunk, or maybe even too dead. I do feel sorry for these women. Yes, with time some of them could become good mothers. But in the mean time the real ones who suffer are the babies.

Our adoption system is NOT perfect. So, yes, some babies will be adopted into families that may not be able to help them see that they are loved. Those are the children that feel unwanted and unloved. Yet so many other babies are better off adopted than left with their birth mothers.

elaeblue

Giving life to a child you could have aborted is a gift.

Lots of people who want children cant have them so when someone doesnt want the child they are carrying - isnt it better to give the child life! And a chance at a good life too.

It is the mothers decision to separate herself from the child - not a great thing but it happens. What is important is that she could have spent $500 and been done with it. Instead she gave the child a chance at a good life.

Do i feel bad for her - yes in a way. I feel bad that she was unable to care for the child she created but at least life was given. She still gives the child a chance when she could have just gotten rid of it.

11 Little Cowboys and Indians

From what I understand it's usually a bittersweet experience for the moms giving up their babies. It isn't usually all wonderful for them but they are doing what they think or know is best for the child. I imagine it can be a very difficult thing to go through. I think adopting parents are on one had thrilled to have an opportunity to look after a child, it takes so many years to go through the process so the anticipation and emotions would be extremely heightened at that moment of adoption. Meanwhile I'm sure they are aware of the difficult situation that brought about their wonderful opportunity in the first place and so they will likely feel in some way sympathetic to the birth mother.

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