Why do non adopted people try to speak for adoptees?

Possum

It drives me nuts.
Great question.

Side note:
What most don't understand about adoptees - is that most will tell them what they WANT to hear. (most fear rejection - so they'll give you the answer that you want to hear - we're very clever like that - especially when we're young - and don't want to rock the boat!)
So unless I hear something from an adoptee personally - I don't believe a word of what is being told.

magic pointe shoes

It happens with birth/first mothers too. If I had a nickel for everytime I've read or hear someone say how they knew someone who placed their child for adoption, is just fine and has moved on... =oP

Seriously though, it ticks me off when people do that especially on yahoo answers in the adoption category.

Adoptionissadnsick

Is it somehow like knowing a famous person if you know an adoptee? Are we so glamorous and mysterious that as long as you know one, you feel entittled to speak on behalf of an adoptee?

This is a quote from wiki, under the orphan catagory
"Orphaned characters are extremely common as literary protagonists, especially in children's and fantasy literature.[2] The lack of parents leaves the characters to pursue more interesting and adventurous lives, by freeing them from familial obligations and controls, and depriving them of more prosaic lives. It creates characters that are self-contained and introspective and who strive for affection"

I agree with what another said, about us tending to say what we know people want to hear....until very recently I'd NEVER have so blatantly expressed my feelings in real life. Likely I'd just be agreeable because it's easier than getting involved in a very personal and emotional topic.

Just because your neighbor's daughter adopted some kid or you know a hairdresser whose adopted step son is wonderful......don't presume you know anything of what's really going on with that adoptee.

PhilM

Hmmm... I can't answer this question because I'm not a non-adopted person trying to speak for adoptees. :)

But I will say that this is worrisome to me, too. I have found several people who aren't adopted, but are very empathic about the things I go through. But they respect me enough not to speak for me.

I try to treat others the same way.

(And while I think liberals do this... I also think conservatives... and nonpolitical people do this too...)

hugsandhissyfits

People always view their opinons and believe everyone needs to agree with them.Ive noticed liberals are bad about this.(i have tons of those in my family both sides )so i am speaking from my view point and my family.lol
Im adopted and i can honestly say you dont know anything til youve walked in our shoes.

à®â™¥Julian'sMommyâ™¥à®

I think the same way when someone talks about abortion and everyone on here that are against abortion calls that person a murderer and tells them to adopt because if they have an abortion then will be so depressed when in fact they have not even had an abortion themselves so tell me that.....
Some people think they know everything coming and going.

Gershom

It DOES happen all the time. Especially in the whole abortion vs adoption myth, like allllllll these people speak for the "unborn" child and then tell us how "lucky" we are that we weren't aborted, ( abortion wasn't even an option for my mother, but i've been told to be grateful i wasn't aborted more times than I have fingers )

They have to hold onto the idea that its great, keep beliving the myth, want US to believe the myths so the whole glass industry can stay together...... its cracking though my friend. Indeed it is. it won't last for much longer. One little crack is all it takes, and its slowly spidering away.

a bit off track i know... sorry....

I really don't like it when non adopted people tell my adopted self how to feel.

Lil Momma

People always think that they can talk about anything just as long as they know ONE person who has to do with whatever subject. There are people out there offering advice to parents who don't even have children! Some people think that when someone brings up a race issue, that if they know someone of a particular race, then they can speak for their one friend that is that color and can sympathize about what they have endured due to their heritage. It all seems silly. There are just some things that some people can't even begin to understand until they themselves have experienced it first hand. Its one thing for them to offer their opinion b/c they are behind holes, everyone has one. But to offer advice is totally different. They think in some ways that they understand and in SOME respects.... they might. But you cannot totally get it until you have been there. I hear what you are saying. I think that their intentions are meant well. Some just don't seem to understand that some questions are not meant for them to answer or maybe the asker is only directing the question to those who have been there. Not those who wish or think that they understand...

Torrejon

Good question! Could the answer have something to do with the fact that we are always and forever adopted "children"? We adoptees never get to grow-up, mature, reach adulthood. I doubt people (who pretend to know) realize how many people/families are directly affected by adoption and feel the need to fill in where they see a void.

Emma523

Its one of the great mysteries of life.

Some people just feel like they have to have an opinion on everything- and not only that, they have to share that opinion. Its obnoxous, it drives me crazy, and its something I hope never to do (though I'm sure I have accidently about something or other).

Oh, and its kind of like if I were to give parenting advice to every parent I ever meet. Annoying? yeah.

Joy M

What are you talking about? I learned everything I know about adoption from my hairdresser telling me about her cousin...who is very happy.

a healing adoptee

I don't know I think they are just trying to answer questions. Most are trying to be respectfully about it, but I think that just because you know someone that is adopted doesn't mean you can understand them. It's kinda like how some adoptees here that don't feel anger and resentment think that those adoptees that do feel anger and resentment are liars. It's almost like they are pushing their feelings on to others and vice a versa. So, it sometimes appears that those that know adoptees are pushing on us on how we should feel. Just because you know someone that is adopted doesn't mean you know how they feel. You can empathize with them, but until you walk a mile in their shoes you can't possibly know how we feel.

Lillie

Everyone has given some really great answers.

I'd just like to add, that also perhaps a small part of it is that tendency to infantalize adoptees, to hold us in this image as forever children, unable to truly be able to speak for ourselves, so people feel compelled to speak on our behalf.

Just a thought.

DDT

I'm not adopted, but I'm looking into adopting with my husband. I just wanted to say thanks, I read all of your answers. At this point I'm just trying to get a preview of what life holds for me, my husband and our children (adopted) in the future. I liked reading your answers because it made me see that I will probably be getting some "advice" from people who have not adopted, and that I should take their advice with caution. I will probably be posting a lot of questions on yahoo answers, and I hope that you all answer with as much information as you did this question!

I am very impressed and I know that I will not let people EVER tell my children that they are lucky that they were not aborted, or that they KNOW what they are feeling!

Merry Christmas! (or... Happy Holidays!)

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

LOL..yeah. i always amuses me. I'm a bmom...an adoptee...i've also had an abortion....wow, I can cover just about all of it. I'm a step parent and a regular old mom. sheesh. no wonder I'm tired!!

Lisa

The feeling they get when they think they are helping makes them feel better.

Sash

Hasn't this question been done to death?

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