Why do people gets so uptight when they find out that some adoptees do not what to be found?

mia's mum

i agree with you 100% i gave my daughter up for adoption at birth and i believe i also gave up the right to have contact with her when i did that. I'm sure it will be hard enough finding out she's adopted when she's older with out having me sticking my nose in when she turns 18 thinking i have a right to know her bcos i gave birth to her. that said, i will be 110% open to her wanting to find me, but i think it will have to be her choice. i wrote her a letter telling her that i would like to meet her when she's older if that's what she wants but that id also understand if she doesn't want to meet me. i also make sure the agency knows my address when i move. just in case she wants to look for me in the future.

really? 4 thums down, all because i dont want to put her through more pain and heartache. like i said i am 110% open to her finding me one day, and to be honest its something im hoping she will want too. but i dont see how me finding her and interrupting and disturbing her life all over again is going to help her in anyway. or are the thumbs down just for giving her up in the first place? oh well each to their own i spose. not every one is going to agree with me, but 4? wow!

cruzgirlz3

I understand why some adoptees want to be left alone, I was there. You have a right to your feelings. But, the nature of adoption for all parties involved is that some may want to search, some may want to be found, some may want to be left alone. It is one of the things that makes being an adoptee unique. Whether we like it or not we have another family out there who may want to contact us. It is crazy to go through life pretending that adoption isn't different and we will all just live life as if it never happened.

You are not obligated to have a relationship with anyone. It is your choice even if someone comes knocking at your door. However, I would think out of respect and decency, any adoptee would at least be open to meeting their natural parent who is trying to find them. What nicer gift to give the parent who sacrificed for you? You don't have to have a relationship but you could at least give her the peace of mind to know everything worked out for you.

PhilM

You're running too many things together. I don't know anyone who claims that anybody has a right to a RELATIONSHIP with anyone.

But having a RELATIONSHIP is different than BEING FOUND. And I don't think anyone has a right to not BE FOUND. I mean, for heaven's sake, we publish a phone book with numbers and addresses in them. Are all those people's rights to not BE FOUND being violated?

If you receive a phone call from anyone, you are free to say no thank you. But just getting that call, your rights have not been violated.

Mei-Ling

[Most adoptees do not want to be found.]

I thought people weren't supposed to use blanket statements and that every situation is different. Are you a spokesperson for the 'good' adoptees, Suzy? If so, would you let me know? Last time I checked, you weren't "most" adoptees and therefore cannot know if they don't want to be found, and no, you can't just ASSUME they wouldn't want to be found, either.

[They do not search and respectful birth mothers would never think of tracking them down and disrupting their lives.]

Actually, a lot of "respectful" birth mothers could NOT search even if they wanted to because of falsified records. They don't HAVE a name to search for, or know where their relinquished child may even be.

Next generalisation, please?

LaurieDB

I answered your previous question. As I, and others pointed out, no one has a right to a RELATIONSHIP. However, in a society with freedom of association, unless barred by law following due process, citizens do have a right to make contact with other citizens. The person being contacted then has the right to accept or deny further contact.

An entire group of citizens cannot have their right to freedom of association taken away simply because some people may not wish to be contacted. Some people do not wish to be contacted by their ex-spouses. However, we cannot take away the right of all people to contact anyone to whom they were previously married simply because some people may find said contact unpalatable. There are laws in place to handle individual situations if need be.

If you make your feelings known specifically to that person, then you have a reasonable expectation to no longer be contacted. If unwanted contact continues, there is due process under the law to handle this. But to place an entire segment of the population into a suspect class, removing a right that the rest of free society has, is not acceptable. It stands in the way of due process. It stands in the way of those who do not feel the same way you feel about your individual situation. Your individual feelings about a specific person cannot dictate the rights of an entire group of citizens.

In matters not to me whether you or anyone else wishes or doesn't wish contact. That is an individual choice. However, the rights of a group of citizens does matter. Remember, first parents did not give up their rights as citizens. They simply gave up their right a to parent-child relationship with the relinquished child.

Camira B

I think if you want to be left alone, that's fine, but I don't think it's unfair for a first parent to look for their child. There are too many different situations for just one rule.

For example, what if the first parent was supposed to part of an open adoption but the APs closed it? Maybe some first parents search because it will probably be easier for them to find the child than vise versa like in the event that I don't get my son back, I know his APs, their address, his legal name, etc. He will only know what they tell him, which could be nothing. So, what if he did want to find me but couldn't because of laws and lack of information and I didn't find him because I was waiting for him. Does that really make any sense? I think it is fine to search. If the adoptee doesn't want anything to do with you, then you have to respect that but to be angry just over the fact that someone contacted you once, I just don't get.

Lee S

I think this decision is up to the individual. I gave a child up for adoption and she is 18 years old now. I am married to her biological father and we have both agreed to not look for her. We feel that has to be her decision whether or not she wants to find us or ever wants to meet us.
I truly hope in my heart that one day she does try to find us but it is not my place to intrude in her life.
I know her full name, I met her adopted parents and got to know them. I wrote her a letter explaining why I had made the decision to put her up for adoption because I went to counseling and the counselor had suggested I do this because so many adopted people feel a void or a need to know why their biological mother gave them up. I also needed her to know that she was and is loved.
I made my decision because I wanted her to have a better life than I could possibly have given her at such a young age. Her parents told me they would always be honest with her and did plan on giving her the letter and I hope they did or do. And I do truly hope that she one day wants to meet me. I have spent a lot of time in my life thinking about her and praying that her life has went well. I will always feel the empty space in my heart and life for her. I don't believe that the biological parents or at least myself "has the right" to have a relationship.... it is our selfish need to know that this child is OK, safe, happy and healthy. If she one day does come to me I will greet her with an open heart and eyes filled with tears but if she does not I will just have to live with another effect of my decision and live with the void in my heart. I also hope that one day she would get to meet her sister and new biological sibling when they are born in February.
But you are right. It has to be up to the adopted person not anyone else!

mia's mum I agree with you 100%

julie j

Hi Sweet & Spicy,

2 responses really:

1) I don't believe anyone is claiming that others have a right to have a relationship with their family members or with anyone else for that matter. What we are saying is there is a right to make contact with anyone. If both people want a relationship after that, great. If not, that should be respected, just as it should be with any other 2 adults in society. By the way, people do not "belong" to another. That implies possession. People have mutually agreed upon relationships with each other, not ownership.

2) I don't see anyone getting uptight about adoptees who have not been reunited with their natural families yet. Individual adoptees are at different stages of their adoption journeys. How they feel now may be different from how they felt as a child or how they will feel next year or the next, and that's ok. Events such as the birth of their own child or the death of an adoptive parent can often trigger feelings in an adoptee they did not know they had. In any case, there is support for those adoptees whenever they are ready.

However, I do see the opposite - some others who try to discourage other adoptee's reunions or get uptight at those who already have relationships with their reunited family members. If you do not wish to have a relationship with someone, that is strictly between you and them. It has nothing to do with other people's families. That is for them to decide. Thanks for asking.

julie j
reunited adoptee

Haley Grace is here!!!

I can understand not wanting to be found. You have built a life without them and don't want anything to change. I however would be curious. Not as much for the parents who gave me up, but my grandparents and other family. Just because someone decided to give me up for adoption doesn't mean the whole family agreed. Thats how I feel, but I can understand how you feel too. The bottom line is that it is no one else's business if you don't want to meet any of your birth family but yours. Its your life and it is a very personal decision.

monkeykitty83

Every person has the right to contact someone else. Then that other person has the right to ask them not to continue contact, if they don't feel comfortable with it.

I don't think a biological parent should continue to contact their child if the child doesn't want that contact or asks them to stop. No one is obligated to have a relationship with another person if they don't want to.

The right to contact someone and the right to have a relationship with them are two different things. I think biological parents should feel free to contact their children, and adoptees should feel free to say they don't want a relationship or aren't ready yet.

I think there has to be some give-and-take in this. Both parties should listen to and have respect for the other, whether or not contact continues.

Daisey Duck

You're not wrong for not wanting contact with them. I have no desire to contact mine. But If she were to contact me I would be willing to talk to her and possibly meet her. As I hold no bad feelings towards her. In fact I have a deep love for her But you would have to know my story to see why. I think that if one is contacted and doesn't want to talk to them they should just say so. They don't have to be mean or rude just tell them politely please don't contact me again. I also think that some that can't understand have had such a good experience that they wish others could experience the same. There are also a lot of people out their who have a lot of unanswered questions and a reunion is the only way they feel they can get the answers. They also sometimes can't understand how others can't want to know something that is so important to them. As for the bio parents who do reach out and try to contact their child, how are they to know who wants contact and who doesn't if they don't try? They may not legally be the child's parents but that doesn't stop them from still thinking about them and maybe loving them and caring about what happens to them.

Indian-vision

I do believe there are many who will disagree with you on this board. Many adoptees go on a reunion search. I do believe each adoptee has a different experience and opinion.

Felicita1

You are confusing several matters:

1) all citizens have the right to Freedom of Association and thus the rights of mothers to search for and contact their lost child is the same as any other citizen's right to find and contact anyone else. We are not less than human because we're separated from a child by adoption and thus our human rights have not been stripped from us.

2) Freedom of Association means both parties, barring restraining orders, have the right to contact each other and also the right to refuse further contact and "association" with each other.

3) Contact is not the same as a relationship.

4) Adults do not "belong" to other adults in any instance other than slavery, which is illegal. Adults choose their relationships or lack of such according to free will. Despite your adoptive parents having paid a lot of money for you most likely, you are not a possession.

5) Many people (like the NCFA) would turn around and say that it is "unfair for the adoptee to try to find the mother/father who gave them up." So you end up with neither party searching for the other one.

6) Many adoptees do not feel as you do but feel that if their natural parents were interested, they'd be the ones who would search.

7) I had the right to offer my son a relationship as it was stolen from both of us. Neither of us had any choice in the matter. As two adults, we could both finally make that decision.

Penny A (Vanessa)

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be found. If you are contacted by a birth parent and don't want anything to do with them, all you need to do is say no. Easy as that.

People have every right in the world to find lost children/parents or siblings whether they are birth parents or not. Their reasons are personal, many and varied. Live and let live.

Gaia Raain

I don't get uptight about it AT ALL! Your feelings are valid, and important. If you don't want a relationship with your first parents, your feelings ought to be respected 100%.

However, adoption does not create a whole new set of rules for our society. Any adult has the right to contact any other adult - adopted or not. And any adult has the right to then say they don't want contact with that other adult. Any adult has the right to get a restraining order against someone who has harmed them (at least that's the criteria in my state) if they don't want contact. You don't get special rights because you're adopted.

And if you did, then that would affect all other adopted citizens - even those who do want contact. Then, it wouldn't be a right. For those who DO want contact, or who at least aren't opposed to it, they would LOSE their rights. That's not fair, is it?

I hope your first mother respects your wishes, and I hope that you take good care of yourself.

Possum

I know thousands of adoptees.
MOST of them want the opportunity to know the women who gave them life. They want answers - that mostly only their first mothers can give.

You don't - that's fine.

Why do you get YOUR knickers in a twist when others want to search - or be found???

MelzMom

I understand what you mean. It is not a matter of having a right to "not being found", PhilM, it is a matter of my privacy and a matter of respect and a matter of honoring contracts and agreements. I disagree that she has a right to search fro me. I don't consider this woman my mother. She deserves my honor and respect and i deserve hers but she gave up her rights to me. She gave birth to me and that's all. That ended her right to my life. I had nothing to do with it. I had no choices in this matter. So, these people she gave me to are my parents, now. They are my real parents and that's all the parents i need.

Carnie C

because some feel that adoptees should ahve something wrong with them (be yearning, longing, empty, depressed, etc) to be right; if you don't have those feelings, then you're in denial. don't you understand you MUST have reunion to be whole????? yet, if you want a child through adoption then you must be mentally ill?

I've been away from this board for a few months but i see nothing has changed. the fire and brimstone hell bent adoptees / bmoms just demand that we see it their way. if you don't, then you're horrible and you will be deep fried on a stick like a corndog at state fair.

Suzy Sunshine

Honestly I think it is a lack of intelligence in some case and pure trollery in others.

Most adoptees do not want to be found. They do not search and respectful birth mothers would never think of tracking them down and disrupting their lives.

But sometimes when people know deep down that they're wrong, they make a wild scene and hope that their outrage will mask their gross errors.

The absurd reactions of the extremists on this board are a little scary. They are so desperate to delete every post that doesn't say what they want to pretend adoptees think. They're terrified when confronted with real people involved in actual adoptions.

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