Why do people think that adoption is so bad?

Ayuu

SOME people think adoption is bad because they are ignorant. However, if a girl chooses an abortion over adoption, it is normal. Having a baby and giving it away is VERY traumatic on a woman, and the effects last for a long time. It is much less traumatic for a woman to have an abortion.

That said, when a family tries to hide the fact that a child is adopted, that's when things get ugly. But if everyone is open and honest for the whole child's life about them being adopted, than there is nothing to worry about as long as they are always loved. I was adopted, and it was between sisters.....younger to older. I love my mom, she changed my diapers, fed me, took care of me when I was sick, worked to give me a life....... THAT woman is my mother. I love my auntie, who is my biological mom, but she feels like an auntie. And my whole life, I HAVE NEVER FELT BAD ABOUT BEING ADOPTED. I was told early on that being adopted made me more special, because I was chosen.

PhilM

As an adoptee, I want people to understand that adoption is a very complicated proposition, rife with emotional pitfalls. I have never felt unequivocally happy about my adoption, even while I love my adoptive parents. Why? Because adoption starts with loss. The one person in the whole world who should have loved the child and cared for him or her more than anything in the world either couldn't or wouldn't. That's a loss. That loss needs to be acknowledged by society, and it rarely is.

In most adoptions, when the adoption finalizes, the birth certificate is changed to something that is a lie. Mine says that my (adoptive) mother gave birth to me. But that is simply false. And my original birth certificate is then sealed away forever out of my sight. People on a daily basis tell me that I should be grateful for having parents who loved me, as though I didn't deserve love and care. We even get asked if we would rather have been aborted, as though grieving our loss is somehow impermissible because we could have lost more. Adoptees and their perspectives (please note the plural - I am not saying there is only one perspective from adoptees) are often marginalized. We have little voice in the discussion.

Until society is willing to have an honest discussion about the effects of adoption on children (the ones that adoption is supposed to help), I (and many others) will speak out about it, and will be called "fringe" and worse.

cantstopLinnyG

Paying enormous amounts of money for newborns- bad

Coercing a young mother to get her baby- bad

Telling a young mother someone else can love her baby "better"- bad

Telling adoptive parents raising an adopted child is the same as a biological child-bad

Telling adoptees they are ungrateful because they want to know their first families- bad

Telling adoptees how they "should" feel- bad

Telling adoptees they are disrespectful because they have enough love to love both families- bad

Growing up and knowing NOTHING about your heritage, culture, language and homeland- bad

Growing up and not knowing ANYTHING about your biological family- bad

Growing up with people who don't look like you, talk like you, act like you, think like you, EVEN though you are loved by those people and love them- bad

Missing your first Mom your entire life, because the mother/child primal bond was broken (which is a proven scientific fact) bad

Having emotional issues because of your relinquishment and subsequent adoption your entire life- bad

Having to CONSTANTLY state that we know adoption has it's good points, but the REAL and BAD points are mostly overlooked- bad

Having to CONSTANTLY point out the reasons why adoption is "bad" because people are too lazy to look in the resolved questions section-bad

Those are some of the reasons adoption is bad. Again- for the 11,000th time- There will always be a need for adoption, but ALL adoptions should be ethical, and what is in the child's best interests. Adoption through foster care is awesome, and they, for the most part, are the ONLY kids who need homes.

Newborn/infant adoption is coercive, and is usually to fulfill the needs of an infertile couple. Agencies charge ridiculous amounts of money, and it is no different than human trafficking.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/the_primal_w...
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....
http://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemovie

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner

Philippa

From a personal point I was coerced into surrendering my son to adoption by my parents and adoption agency when I was 19. I had a job so I could have financially supported myself and him. I was lied to, not shown any paperwork, not told my rights, it is questionable whther I signed the Consent to Relinquish form and I didn't have any support. So I only have bad memories and I have suffered with depression, tried committing suicde a few times and have self harmed over the years. I really hate what adoption has done to my son and I as it has screwed up our lives.

On a general note I know from experience that there are far too many forced adoptions. I am actively involved in helping parents who have had their children removed by social services wrongfully. Reasons have included depression, home untidy, there might be potential harm to the child even though there is no prove and there have been psychiatrists reports stating that the parents are good parents.

The only time I agree with adoption is when there is abuse, neglect or the child is orphaned and there aren't any family members who can take the child in.

Heather B

Because it's full of secrets and lies

Because it's not a social service for children in need ; it's practised as a business serving needy paying customers

Lori A

Because it has BAD aspects that others want to sweep under the rug and not talk about. Nothing is 100% wonderful all the time.

I love how some try to trash talk those who only want to bring to light what adoption does to adoptee's. How it affects their life. How it affects their first parents, How it isn't like raising a biological child. They just want to spread the joy joy joy of how wonderful it is and ignore the reality that it has a down side. That it begins with loss. That it's a crap shoot.

Those who got the great parents are fortunate, others didn't. But because THEY got the success story no one elses reality exists.

I'm tired of all the crap about how the children will starve, be beaten and abused if they stay with their first families, like no first parent should rasie a child. It happens, and no, no child should have to live through that. But what about when the adoptive parents are the abusers? OOH, not allowed, don't talk about it, someone is lying. Stick your fingers in your ears and sing happy songs. It didn't happen to me so it never happened to any other adoptee.

Some just can't admit that even happy adoptee's who love their parents feel a need to reform a very broken system on behalf of future children of adoption. Or that by posting their feeling as a child of adoption that it MIGHT ACTUALLY HELP adoptive parents understand their child a little better.

Tell me, why do you think it's ALL good?

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

When I say that I am Anti- Adoption, please know that I am NOT talking about foster care. Those kids really do need homes. All of us "anti-adoption people" agree that children should not be forced to live in abuse or neglect. NO child deserves that. We realize that there are sick people out there that abuse and neglect their children, and those children should absolutley have the opportunity to grow up in a good evnviroment.

A baby is not born a blank slate. There is bonding that happens in the womb. An infant knows his mother's voice, walk, heartbeat, smell, and even gets a taste of the things she eats. Upon birth, an infant will actively seek out his mother. She is all he wants. Separation from her causes a "Primal Wound" (If you plan on adopting, I hope that you will read "The Primal Wound" By Nancy Verrier). As the child grows, they are surrounded by people who may love them, but will never have that "genetic bond" with them. They do not look the same, think the same, or in a lot of cases, have the same interest as them. I know that at a glance, this doesn't sound like a big deal. I mean "love conquers all" right? Well not really. These things are a constant reminder that they don't really belong here. Often, adoptee's feel like the black sheep of the family. Although some adoptees grow up fine, and claim to have experienced no loss, there are a lot who have, and their loss is valid

Also, there is a lot of coercion that goes on in adoption. Adoption is an 11.3 BILLION dollar a year industry. They claim they are non profit, but does it REALLY cost $30,000 to do a home study and fill out some paperwork? No. Most foster care adoptions are FREE! So where is this coercion I speak of? Well the biggie now is in Pre-birth matching (adoption plans) and "open adoption". 80% of Open adoptions are closed within the first year. Many adoption agencies will tell PAP's (Potential Adoptive Parents) To tell an expectant mother that want an open adoption and then to close it later. Open adoptions are NOT legally enforceable. Once the TPR (termination of parental rights) has been signed, a mother has no legal right to her child.

With pre-birth matching, this situation is especially heart wrenching. There is no way to know how you are going to feel about that baby until after you give birth. Anyone who has had a child can tell you that. So to tell a pregnant woman to make a decision before giving birth just cruel. Why is it cruel? Because she is encouraged to meet and form a relationship with the PAP's. She is encouraged to have them pay for her pregnancy expenses, and have them in the delivery room with her. Understandably the PAP's become very excited about the idea of becoming parents. Once a mother gives birth and changes her mind, it becomes very hard for her to say no to them. After all, everyone is saying "look how excited they are about "their" child. How could you do that to them?" after all they DID pay for all of those pregnancy expenses. You can't afford to pay the back. How can you NOT go ahead with the adoption, even though now you don't want to?

We are groomed from a young age to believe that adoption is all rainbows and puppies, but what society doesn't realize is that adoption comes from LOSS. In order for a family to be created by adoption, a family must first be DESTROYED through adoption.

Many of the reasons for this destruction of the family just aren't good enough for me. So what if the mother is young, not too long ago, it was not unusual for girls to become mothers at 14. They did fantastic jobs. Also those young mothers are not going to be young forever. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The same with being poor, or single, or in school. So What? How do any of those make a person so bad that they should loose their child? The school scenario is one that really gets me. As you may know I have an 18 month old and I go to school full time and have a job. It is a lot, but it is do-able and temporary. These agencies push adoption so hard to these mothers in school like parenting is impossible if you are a student. Essentially what they are asking is for a mother to relinquish her child so that she can make money. How sick is that? The main reason we go to college is so that we can make more money, right?

With International Adoption (IA), the scenario can be a bit more touchy. There REALLY are orphans abroad that do not have parents and live in grossly understaffed and under funded orphanages. These kids need homes, but they also need there culture and heritage. Many people just want to be like Brangelina and have a rainbow family with one of every color. That is not cool. IA must be considered very carefully.

How will you give your child his culture? It is EXTREMELY important. Also, a very large percentage of children from IA were given up due to poverty. This turns into a "sacrifice one to feed the others" situation. This is not fair to the child or the natural family, especially when all they really need is a sponsor, not someone to help themselves to their children. Poverty should NEVER be a reason for adoption.

Adoption should be about finding a home for a child, not finding a child for a home, given that, I find it disgusting that people decide to help themselves to others children rather than giving that money to the family so they can stay together. This goes to prove that adoption in these cases are done for selfish reasons, and not for the best interest of the child.

In IA there are also large profits to be made on the black market. Often times women are paid for their infant, or are raped. Guatemala recently closed its IA because of the large amounts of unethical behavior from adoption agencies

Also, something that really urks me is that the large majority of people look into adoption ONLY after realizing they are infertile. Now, as I am not infertile, I can never now how much that must hurt. But I do know that adoption should not be second choice. Adoptee's often feel unwanted, and then add the fact that "well if I had been able to have my own, I wouldn't have wanted you" well, that is a very hard pill to swallow.

As I said earlier, adoption should be about finding a home for a child, not finding a child for a home. When wanting to adopt, it should be for the child, not for the AP. (Not that they can't relish the huge benefits!) Infertile people who want to adopt are fine, however, it should not be because they are infertile. They should go to counseling and resolve their issues with infertility first. Adoption is not a cure for infertility. You are parenting someone else's child, and that is not the same as parenting your own. Children are not blank slates and come with their own set of emotional baggage, because of this; it can NEVER be the same as having your own. You may love them like you own, but it will still never be the same.

I don't understand why people wait for YEARS to get an infant. To me that just screams "I am not doing this for the right reasons" There are so many kids aging out of the system everyday. But somehow those kids aren't good enough. They just want a baayyybbbeeee. Well the babies don't need homes. Did you know that for every white healthy infant available for adoption, there are at least 50 couple wanting to adopt it? The babies don't need homes, in all but a very small percentage of cases; the parents can and should parent the child. They just need some support.

I am also against sealed records and falsified birth certificates. I could go into that, but I think this is enough for one day...

kateiskate

I think people tend to think adoption is a lot more simple than it is. The public idea of adoption is a young woman who is not able or ready for a child gives the child to a family that wants one and they all live happily ever after.

This, like all fairy tales and other things romantacized for tv viewing, is pure fiction and is a false generalization.

Adoption is complex, emotional, traumatic, and life-long. Your adoption story isn't finished when the paperwork is finalized, your adoption story continues until you die.

The adoption industry is an industry overwraught with corruption, greed, and lies. It is a multi million dollar industry based on little more than glorified human trafficking and a low supply and a high demand.

The greed in the adoption system is appaling. For a system that claims to be â€œforâ€ the children, it seems to be more to suit the needs of the agencies who want money and the adoptive parents who have it. Thatâ€™s not to say that the adoptive parents going into adoption are bad people who knowingly participate in such a corrupt industry, it is to say that overall the general public should be educated on exactly how corrupt the system is and what we can do to help change it.

The false assumptions people have about adoption make me sad and angry but still eager to educate people on the way it affects us and what possible adoptive parents can do in the future to help their adopted kids out.

farm mom of 10

First best is ALWAYS that a child will stay with it's mother and father, and be loved and nurtured throughout their childhood. However, first best doesn't always happen. We live in a fallen world, it isn't heaven.
I have adopted three children from foster care. They have missed the first best in their lives. It's not their fault, it's not my fault. I didn't adopt them because I couldn't have children, I did, I have seven biological children. I adopted them because I love them, each has an individual story and I won't put it here.
So they missed first best. We can't help that. Life goes on. My job now is to love them and finish raising them. And I love them desperately. But I also know they are and do have issues I need to help them with. I'm going to do the best I can to be the best mama, although I'm human, and will make mistakes.
I write articles as a hobby, and I wrote one on the grief of my adopted daughter. This is how I ended it:

Foster/adoption is not all kittens and rainbows and butterflies, but hard work on the part of all parties. It's about great loss, and great gain. It's about taking heartache, and making a family. It's about taking the loss of first best (an intact first family) and turning it around to a new beginning, which is a specialty of God!

Because sometimes it is bad. I feel my parents adopted me as a status symbol. I was terribly mistreated and abused after reality set in.

realmom lese

Adoption is a crap shoot. My child that I placed for newborn adoption would have had a better life with me. She also would not have had her permanent teeth knocked out as a teenager, among many other things, by the filth that adopted her.

So....all you people on here proclaiming how wonderful adoption is, have a kid and give it away, then you can come back and tell us how good it feels. We can also have your kid come back down the road and tell us how that loss felt for him or her. Hopefully, your kid will have not been physically or mentally tortured by his/her artificial parents.

Adoption is NOT the loving option.

Tina

I do not think that people think that adoption is bad, but I guess it depends on the type of person.

Tina

Amanda C

i didnt know that people think adoption is bad.

Dalton's Mommy

No one should think adoption is bad. Unless they were forced to do it like so many women years ago. Always better than abortion.

Devorah

I don't think its bad, it can save a child's life and can give parents' who normally couldn't have a child a chance at having a child to love

Rivkah

I don't think most people do. Most people on *here* do, but that's because it's the ones who think their experiences were negative (or whose experiences really were negative) that spend time telling every detail of it to anyone who will listen. The people who are happy with adoption don't spend their time on Yahoo!Answers.

lindseylines@ymail.com

they shouldnt because its not at bad thing at all.

Shannon

Adoption is a miracle to those who can't conceive themselves. God bless those who give the gift of life rather than killing a wonderful miracle.

MobileMonopolies

Hi, Merely came back here to remind you regarding Mobile Monopoly. This is a superb technique and WILL make you money, especially seeing as you own a website. Take a quick look at their video, the strategy is about using Mobile Advertising which is fresh and an unexposed market where you can make thousands by doing hardly any work. I promise you that after you watch their short video it will change you and it will start making you think. http://mobile-mastermind.com

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: