Why do some people think that adoptive parents are better than the natural parents?

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

Somehow people have gotten it into their heads that they're guaranteed a perfect childhood/life. Parents need to provide such perfect life, and if they don't, of course they would have been better off with their "other" parents.

Natural parents can be abusive.
Natural parents can be great.

Adoptive parents can be abusive
Adoptive parents can be great.

It doesn't matter which you have/get.
It's a coin toss.
There are no guarantees.

Great parents can go bad.
Crappy parents can straighten up and do better.

Why is this concept difficult?

Lori A

This is all made possible by your loving adoption industry.

Lisa

The ones that profit from adoption are the ones that push the propaganda that adoptive parents are better.

tish_part deux

IMO... it is UNNATURAL to carry and birth a child and give him/her away. hence, the only way to wrestle with the natural dissonance caused by this act, we (society) have created dogma to rationalize it. only BAD women do this...and only GOOD people take in these kids.

hence, fparents are BAD, AND aparents are GOOD.

aloha.girl59

People like Mellisa are a perfect example. She thinks that ONLY drug-addicted alcoholics looking for their next fix relinquish children for adoption. Maybe that's HER experience, but it's certainly not the norm. Too bad so many people subscribe to this belief.

I am not a better PERSON than anyone else on this planet. I am not worse than anyone else, either.

I am a better parent than some and I'm positive that there are people who make better parents than I. Is my son's first mother a better parent than I am? Unfortunately, no, according to CPS. It's not her fault and she doesn't fall into the stereotype perpetuated by the Mellisas of the world, but she *is* unable to properly care for children. All that means is that I can provide things for her son that she is unable to. It doesn't mean I'm a better parent OR a better person. Just more advantaged (economically, educationally, and cognitively). That's all.

Opedial

When adopting from foster care it was kind of true in our case, but let me caveat:

We are better actual parents right now due to the fact that the First mom was unable to parent, she neglected the children and sat by while they were abused. This said, if her addiction issues had been dealt with and she had actually gone to the parenting classes, I would not say I am a better parent than her. But she didn't so that is that.

I never believe anyone is better than anyone, just where people belong.

Jackie B

I think the only way anyone can definitively say that is in a case of abuse or neglect by the natural parents. The adoptive parents of a child would be better than the first parents assuming that the child isn't abused or neglected by the APs also.

grapesgum

The adoption industry HAS to make people think that adoptive parents are better. Otherwise they would never be able to convince those nice healthy, white girls to give their babies away. Just look at the ads for adoption agencies with those pretty pregnant girls holding their bellies and wistfully dreaming of the "perfect" family for their inconveniently conceived baby. The adoption industry has to make them think that they must do what's "best for the baby" AND that the "best" is to give the baby away to strangers.

It's a hard sell in my mind but it seems to work so they keep doing it.

Also, adoptive parents are older on the average. So, they have more money, bigger houses (especially those who pissed away their fertility so they could indulge their lust for material things first). In the US, money = better.

Bodhi

I've only lived with one set of them (in this case, my Adoptive Parents), so I have no way of knowing who was better - even trying to compare them is ridiculous.

I suppose the only person truly qualified to make that judgment is someone who has lived with both sets, and has weathered an equal number of life challenges with both sets guiding them through each. They'd be able to say if their natural parents were better, or their adoptive parents were better. But even then, it would only apply to their individual life. It could be totally different for anyone else.

I think (generalizing here) it comes down to people's opinions, good or bad, coloring the way they're going to see adoption in general. This is then going to translate favorably (or unfavorably) to the APs or the Natural Parents. In turn you're going to get people who think the child is better off with the APs, and those who believe the child is better off with the Natural Parents. Some people are simply always going to believe that the Natural Parents are unfit drug addicts; others are just always going to believe that APs live on two acres with a pool and a golden retriever. Sure, once in a great while you'll probably run into the sterotype but I would guess most people are much more in the middle, and most of them (APs or NPs) would make great parents.

Freckle Face

The ideology of youth or blissful ignorance, take your pick.

Sarah

I guess it's because it's the adoptive parents who are actually raising the child I think?

But generally I think it's really up to each individual to make their own conclusion on who's a better parent. Some might say adoptive parents, some might say natural parents. It really depends on each individual's experience involving natural/adoptive parents.

I personally think it's hard to make a general consensus on which is better.

jack g

I don't consider myself a better person than my sons natural mother - a very different person but not a better one.

My son came into care at birth from an abusive & neglectful background. We had him from just over 1yr old.

His parents were bad at parenting yes that's true but knowing their background also - I can see some reasons why. I feel it's not my place to judge them - We all have a life to live and some are dealt a better life than others.

JennaBear

people think adoptive parents are better because they paid thousands of dollars more for their child than any natural parent would. it's like a ring from tiffany's vs. a plastic ring from the vending machine that any old body could buy.

Philippa

Ignorance and the adoption industry.

My son's adoptive parents are really nice people and gave my son a good, loving upbringing yet they blame themselves for any mistakes they may have made.

My son has been living with me and my husband for over two years and I know I have made mistakes.

Does that make any of us bad parents? No it doesn't, it just shows we are human and trying our best.

Jackie M

I can't speak for everybody, but with my own person adoption experience I feel that my parents (adoptive) are better than my biological parents.

I feel a bond with my parents, they were there for me through everything. They made sure I was safe, had food, clothes and everything I ever needed. I don't feel that that was the intentions of my biological parents because obviously I was adopted out for dumb reasons, but I'm glad it happened.

Kazi

I think it depends on what you mean by better. A better person. Better parent.

I do not think I am better than my daughter's first family. She was born in China and I cannot even begin to imagine living under such a harsh regime that dictates how many children can be in a family. I have no doubt that their decision to let their daughter go was heart wrenching. And if they had parented her, I am sure they would have been wonderful parents.

As for my son's first mother. Yes, I do feel I am a better mother than her, simply because I never abused him and I put my children first.

But that is my specific situation. In general, no I never think I am better than the majority of first parents. We are all human. We are all fabulous and flawed in our own ways.

Yarr

I don't compare the two. I consider the person(s) who raises a kid the 'parent(s)'. That is not to say the one who gave birth isn't a parent, just not a parent to a kid they give up. A kid's parent(s) is/are the person(s) who raise it. You can't really compare the 'two' because there aren't two for one kid.

bananarama

Well in some cases they are! In my case my adoptive parents were much better than my bio mom at the time. I wont go into the whole story but now I think she is a good person. Maybe alot of people feel as the adoptive parents are"better" I hate to use that word but cant think of a better one at the moment is because alot of natural parents give their children up for selfish minute reasons or because they are abusive and cannot give up drugs in exchange for their children. People like that are the people that give natural parents bad names. Do i think my natural mom is a bad person absolutly not!! Did she make bad decisions absolutly! Culd she have raised me? At 22 years old she sure could have but chose not to for whatever reasons. Are my adoptive parents better then her? No, I wouldnt say better but they where there to give me home when no one else wanted to. So are they better, no, are they special in my eyes absolutly! To me they are my parents and even though I have found my natural mother I couldnt imagine calling her mom. she couldnt be there for me when I needed her the most. My adoptive mom was

roswelldreamer

Adoptive parents perhaps in comparison really want to have children and adoption is the only way. They have to jump through a lot of hurdles to prove their worthiness. Whereas, natural parents, don't always "plan" to have children and may not be as dedicated.

mother of 2

In certain situations, where the child's parents were abusive, neglectful, drug addicts, alcholics, etc...then yes, the the people who adopt are probably better. Just because someone gives birth to a child, it doesn't make them a good mom or dad. People who adopt ARE mom and dad, and are taking on a special role of caring for a child that is not thiers, but treating it as if it is.

Maria

do what? your question is in no way based in fact nor does it make sense.

Mellisa J

Would you want to be raised by a parent who would forget where she left her children because she dropped them off to get drunk? Or raised by a druggie mom who does not remember even giving birth to you? Or by a couple who loves you, provides you with a stable enviroment, finicial support, and is willing to go through all the ups and downs in your life with you and for you? An adoptive parent is not better than a natural parent. They are both parents!

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