Why does the term "Adopter" trigger such rage in people who adopt?

Heather B

Contrary to what others have said, Adopter is the legal term used by social services and on all legal paperwork here in the UK (and in many other countries)

When I first used the term on an US forum I got blasted to high heaven for being disrespectful, when there had been no intention of disrespect at all.

Just a Mom

I really don't mind the term "Adopter" but it really bothers my partner, Sarah. To her, we are mothers and sometimes she gets mad if I tell people that we adopted the kids. But we did adopt them! We are adopters who adopted, right? I don't really understand the problem with it, but I have no intentions of sweeping the kids adoption under the rug. I think their story is amazing and I don't want them to ever be ashamed of it.

Don't know if I really answered anything, but my excuse is that it's my birthday and I can mess up things on my birthday:)

ETA: Aww, thumbs down for my birthday! You all are too kind!

ETA2: But I must say, the thumbs up are even kinder!

sunny

I think this term is used in the UK and Aus...

It's Americans (and Canadians?) who don't use it?

Maybe it's cultural.

I personally have no problem with the term "adopter" it is a legal term. So in that context it is appropriate, however, many adoptive parents feel that it is intentionally used to reduce the relationship they have with their children to a legal act.
The same way you ask for people to respect the fact that you don't like a commonly used term (you know the one I mean), adoptive parents are asking you to respect that they do not like the term "adopter".

Laurel J

Adopter is a newish term (to me, anyway), and many adoptive parents have gotten used to being called not only "adoptive parents" but just plain "parents" or even "the real parents." So I can imagine that some of them might feel a bit "demoted" by the new term (if it is new).

Or maybe they just don't like being known forever by a term describing something they did once many years ago. In which case they can now understand how "birth mothers" feel.

Freckle Face

Hi Sly,

beats me..........

I don't find it that big of a deal.

MS A

You can call me whatever you want as long as my angel still looks at me with those beautiful eyes and calls me MOM. Her first mother asked recently if she could call me that, too. I think it's a great label.

Adopter? Hmmm. OK. A little dehumanizing, but it's just a word. One can adopt a new way of life, a new hairstyle, etc.

I'm sick of semantics.

IDK!!

I too am confused about the big to do about all this. You're right it is correct, we are "adopters".

I am a "birther" ans "adopter" and a mother to both.

Our pastor uses the therm "birther" in regards to ALL mothers on mothers day. He mean me, mothers who have passed, and mothers who's children are no longer with us.

I guess where the term "adopter" or "Birther" becomes cloudy to me, is that once that action is completed, then you are no linger THAT.

If I quit my job, I'm no longer a worker, I am a "previous employee", if I leaver the theater I am no longer a "viewer".

When I left my aunts house, I was no longer a "visitor"

So once I gave birth to Maya, I was no longer a Birther, I was a Mother, same as when my son was born to his MOTHER.

I don't find the terms completely accurate, but I don't find them completely inaccurate either, and I think it's only offensive, if the person saying it is doing so to be offensive, that's all.

Angela R

I think referring to an adoptive parent as an "adopter", would be similar to calling a woman who willingly relinquishes her parental rights to her child, placing them for adoption, as the "relinquisher", ot "birth-giver". Yes, we did adopt our children, but we are also their parents, just as a woman who places her child for adoption is still a mother too.

I understand that the term "birth-mother" is offensive to some, and I try to avoid using the term, however, "birth-mother" at least still implies that the woman is a parent, where as "adopter" does not. I would never want someone to imply that the mother of my children was just a "womb", and not a parent either.

Personally, as an adoptive parent, I am secure enough in my relationship with my children not to let other people's descriptions bother me. Sometimes I know "adopter" is just used as a legal term, and that's fine, but often in adoption forums, it's used as an insult by people obviously trying to imply that people who adopt children are not really parents.

Kazi

I haven't seen anyone say "because I said so." In fact, there are many answers that clearly illustrate why it is offensive to them, however, you have chosen to ignore them for your own reasons.

I feel the same as Jennifer L, so instead of parrotting her the way I usually do, I will instead, add that I'm not sure that it's relevant why someone dislikes a label, only that they do. You've said that birth mother is hurtful. So I and many moms here listened and do not call you or any other relinquishing mother by that term. In turn, some of us are saying why we do not like to be called adopter? What does it say if you continue to call us that (I'm not saying you do or would; just using "you" in the general sense).

To make my point, I think to 2 summers ago when a teen interned at my agency. He was deaf. That's how he described himself. We had a pow wow before he began with the employees and discussed etiquette and commincation as he comunicated through an interpreter. He said he was deaf and to NOT refer to him as hearing impaired. He found that term offensive as it implied he was, well, impaired. A co-worker challened that. She said that she'd heard that hearing imapred was PC terminology and that's the term she'd heard on TV and from friends or friends, blah, blah. This went on for about 10 minutes, until finally another co-worker said: "Why are we debating this. He's the one that is deaf. He can pick the term."

For me, if we are discussing legalese, or how I became a mother, then no it does not bother me, have at it.

But if someone uses it to be petty or mean because it makes them feel good about themselves, yea it offends me, but I'm thinking what offends me more, is not necessarily the label, but the fact that people would use it knowing they are being hurtful.

Serenity71

I never hear people say it in RL only here in YA. It doesn't bother me...

edit; I think its because I see myself as a mother, so I chose to ignore 'adopter' as a label, something some lawyer came up with.

Sunny; I thought it was an American term since I never hear it used in media etc in Aust.

(Birther. I don't like that term for ANY woman. I makes me think of a cow for some reason. I'm sure no natural mother wants that image.)

Jennifer L

The word "adopter" takes the concept of being a parent to children from adoption and minimizes it into just the adoption part.

Being a parent to my children goes so much further than the simple act of adopting them. I think that the word is used on this forum to trivialize and minimize the "parent" part of the role.

As it was discussed before, we do not refer to a woman as a "birther", (whether or not adoption is involved) just because she gave birth.

That's my opinion and that's why the use of the term is offensive to me.

Angela B

Probably the same reason your wouldn't call first mom a birther it is demeaning, rude, and does not state accurately the role the person plays in the child's life. I didn't simply adopt it is more than that. Just as I think my son's first mom is so much more than his first mom he is a very important person in his life and will be forever. If she looked or called me adopter I would feel disrespected and she didn't apperciate our relationship nor understand it. I don't mind adopter in a legal form they are suppose to be cold and to the point not appropriate in a conversation. Sly, hope you really our trying to learn more about adoptive parents and how we feel.

Not Adopted

Well, I can only give you my personal view on this. In general, it is a legitimate word. (On a related note, I never heard the word "birth mother" until the last 10 years or so.)

However, I don't use the word "adopter" to describe my son's parents. To him they are simply mom and dad and I have no reason to call them anything else. If I called them something else I think that would be negating the connection he has with them and I have no reason to put any undue burdens on him.

BTW, same goes for me, I am simply his mother.

There are other people I would call adopters - they are the egocentric type, adopting is is all about their needs. So I guess it comes down to the amount of respect I have for the people involved - if I don't have any respect for them, then I am more likely to use the word "adopter."

BPD Wife

Wow. Interesting question. As an adoptive mom, I can honestly say that no one has ever called me the "adopter" and I'm not sure how I would react if they did. On the outside, I do not find the term offensive. It makes sense that I would be the "adopter" in our son's adoption. However, in speaking with our family and to others, we do not look at ourselves as anything other than parents. Sure the adoption stuff comes up when there are medical questions, etc., but for the most part, I would never tell anyone "I'm his adoptive mom". He's my son and I'm his mom. Plain & simple. : )

Carnie C

birthparent is the term used in any legal paper that i've seen (check your legislation as well)....but i've never seen adopter.

it's a potshot taken against those who choose to adopt children. People want to say that aparents act like they "own" a child as a possession adn horrible that is; they refer to the entitlement that AP's feel . . .yet, i see the same potshots taken at ap's; i see bparents acting like they still "own" their relinquished child(ren); and i see them on here with a sense of entitlement to reunion.

it's a deep vein that runs both ways; to demand respect, one should give it....something that is sadly lacking on these boards. however, since they are not support boards, i guess it doesn't matter. we're only here to give answers and ask questions. People choose the answers as best answers not because it was the most informative but because it so closely aligned with their original thought or supported what they wanted / said what they wanted to hear.

you've received lots of thoughtful adn insightful answers but you probably won't accept them because it doesn't go with your train of thought. I say "you" as most people on this board not necessarily YOU as Sly the person.

btw, thanks for explaining what the EMS was on the other question.

Shelby

I don't find it offensive, however I have never heard it used IRL. My kids call me Mummy (that's the only term I care about).

Maybe people find it offensive because it makes them sound like one of those gadgets you buy so you can use your electrical appliances overseas..... Ohhh thats "adapter", sorry my bad. LOL...

Heather Leigh

I've been called much worse, so adopter does not bother me.

Now, Baby stealer is the term I find very offensive, but I personally was only called that once in a very pleasant email.

opedial

I think it is fine, if used while one is adopting, their is an adopter and then an adoptee, but then after that "action" has passed, it is just mother and child. I don't refer to my children as adoptees, that is a term they can use to self-identify if they wish when they are older.

I would find it offensive if the term adopter was used fully after the adoption is complete. It minimized our role of mother. Yes I was an adopter, but now I am mother, or if you must label, adoptive mother, but the word mother has to be in the words, or the word adopter is used to minimize our role, just as the term birth mother may be used to minimize that role. It is about respect.

Gaia Raain

I don't have a problem with it. However, comparing the two words "birther" and "adopter" does make it sound rather...um...mean. But I do see a difference between those words, too. You never cease to have adopted a child. You're always an adopter. However, once you've given birth, your role ceases to be that of a "birther". After the baby is born, you've got no more birthing to do. But you always have "work" to do on the adoption front (unless you believe the "as if born to" line and ignore the fact that the child is adopted). Therefore, you're always an adopter.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

Because they are MOTHERS, FATHERS, PARENTS... not just "adopters." as the day to day parents of the child, their relationship with the child is not just defined by one day, one action, one set of papers anymore than your relationship with your son is defined by one day, one action (giving birth).

Why is it so hard for you to understand the need to respect others as you wish to be respected?? I'm having trouble understanding why that would be such a tough concept to grasp.

An adoptee has two mothers, for example. They are both the child's mother. SOMETIMES there's a need for clarification, in which a child might need to "clarify" that this is his "adoptive mother" so that a Doctor, etc, realizes there is not a biological connection. It's not a term that needs to be used all the time, but occasionally.

I have a bit of trouble seeing why, on the flip side of the coin, it would be offensive to refer to the child's other mother as his "Biological mother" for clarification, so that the person being spoken to realizes the child is talking about the woman who's genes he shared, but didn't necessarily raise him. But, if people think that's an offensive term, I'm okay with avoiding it. I've tried to adopt "first mother." But "Biological mother" is JUST as honest as "adoptive mother" or "adopter."

I agree with the others that point out that, like birthmother, the term adopter, especially in places like this, is used purposely to minimize the fact that the person is a parent.

You okay with people pointing out that you are a "birther?" If so, then I can kind of understand your perplexity. If not, "adopter" is no different than being called "Birther" heck.. even "birth MOTHER" at least acknowladges motherhood to some extent. "Adopter" doesn't acknowledge parenthood.

where is everybody?

i have a adopted son and i find no need to call it anything other than that i'm his mother. nothing more or less. i am his mother

smm

because they're not just the adopter. they're the person's parent.

'Tis Twilight Time

i think its bcoz they think it sounds as if they are a second choice, not the childs birthmother.

it also makes then sound a bit like they are buying the child, and they dont like that either.

Independ"ant"

Some people are desperate for a child to call them "mother" even though they are "adoptive parents" or "substitute mothers".

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