Why insist that adoptees are damaged?

mom to be

Im not damaged by being adopted.

ETA-- why the thumbs down--- no one here knows me. Thanks for helping me make my point in other questions stating people give thumbs down for NO REASON.

Robin

Why insist that adoptees are NOT? Some are. Some aren't. Why does it rock your world that some adoptees express difficulties related to their adoption while you experienced none.

Glad you didn't. That you didn't doesn't change the fact that some have. That some have doesn't change the fact that you didn't.

What's to argue?

Flying Monkey #073177

I think your questions show just how badly many adoptees are damaged.

kitta

You sound like the NCFA website "data", Ollie. Your insistance,in so many words, that adoption is just another form of family normality is the type of statement they make.

Perhaps you are gathering data for them.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Why do you insist that they are NOT

No one here has ever said that all adoptee's are damaged

cantstopLinnyG

Ahhhh, so you admit it!!! We ARE "damaged"...some more than others. And no, we are NOT just like every other person out there. We are adopted.

I only see one or 2 posters here who are "damaged beyond repair", and well....we know who they are.....

myst1998

I don't think anyone is really saying adoptees are 'damaged' as such; more that many are aware of the affect adoption has had on their lives... and it has been negative.

Maybe you haven't been able to identify with the feelings identified here but it doesn't make them any less real and you have no right to invalidate them. No one is insisting on labelling adoptees as damaged, they are just willing to realise that there ARE issues with being adopted... and it has been documented over and over and over again.... starting back in the 1940's:

http://www.originsnsw.com/mentalhealth/id4.html

Ollie, you have to realise at some point that it isn't Nature's way to separate mothers and their babies so it is inevitable there is going to be issues when this occurs.

What I hear from you is a fight to listen to what is going on inside you. If you were so convinced that you had no issues arising from your adoption, you would not feel the need to convince the rest of us in such a violent fashion. You would not need to dismiss everyone else's experience which leads me to feel you are really struggling under your armour.

And you are right about one thing, adoptees ARE just like every other person out there as they are Human beings. Its a pity that others do not see this and accord them the same respect.

kateiskate

Part of me is damaged...there's no denying that.

I have a terrible fear of abandonment that was brought on my my relinquishment. It made itself a little more obvious this weekend when my fiance left for the weekend and the sad, sinking feeling that he was leaving set in...

I do my best to let go and not let it bother me, but there is really no denying the damage.

Mei-Ling

I don't believe adoptees are permanently damaged.

But I also find it incredibly hard to believe that an infant can be separated from his mother without ANY effects whatsoever.

You aren't just like every other person out there, OllieO, because you don't know how it feels to be NON adopted. I don't mean that in a bad way; it just is what it is. You say that we grow up in families just like any other family.

How do you know? You don't know what it would have been like to grow up with people who share your DNA. You have a great family now, that's awesome. But don't claim that you know adoptive families are just like biological families. You don't know; you weren't raised IN a family that was biologically-related to you. Maybe you COULD be right and it is the same. But you don't know for SURE.

Are families that interchangeable to you?

Are people interchangeable to you?

Should we be encouraging the separation of mother and child at any cost?

ETA: I have long suspected that my kept sister's family is just like mine. Their relationships probably weren't any different compared to the adoptive relationships I had growing up.

The catch? I was adopted. I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE.

And I will NEVER know.

ETA 2: "And you are right about one thing, adoptees ARE just like every other person out there as they are Human beings."

Actually, if you take that at face value about us all being human beings, then yes, I agree. But from OllieO, it's always been about adopted people being in normal families and saying that adoption IS normal. It isn't.

SJM

It's all part of a sinister plot executed for the sole purpose of giving you something to occupy your time on the weekends.

drkangel210e

Some of us are, some of us aren't. I don't tell you how to feel about your life, so where do you get off telling me what my experience has been? Have you lived my life? Didn't think so.

On a side note: you're not doing much for your case that adoptees don't have problems. If you didn't have some sort of a problem you wouldn't feel such a strong urge to get on here and tell everyone else how to feel.

Indian-vision

There is far too much "we" in your question.

I think EVERY ONE is different. Not every adoptee feels the same way!!

Mom to Foster Children

I understand your point and am only going to answer with a funny note...

The only damage my child has right now that is "temporarily" permanent" is the boo boo on his knee. Once the neosporin is there for a few days his damage will be all gone.

Kazi

I completely ignore the "we" in most questions. Unless they have split personalities, no one can answer for anyone else. It's not just with adoption either. I've heard: Divorce ALWAYS messes up kids. Girls who grow up without a father ALWAYS feel insecure and seek the approval of older men. No one can put an absolute on experience.

The thing is though, I do believe individuals when they speak for themselves. If someone said that they felt damaged, then I believe them. If someone said that they do not feel damaged, I believe them as well. However, it does concern me whenever I hear others insist that everyone feels the way they do, whether it be that there is or is not any damage. It tells me that they are insecure with their stance and need validation. Most people who truly believe what they say don't have a need for authentication.

Kate

I am damaged, like every human being is whether that is due to being bullied in elementary school or whether it is because my mom got mad at me.

We all have moments in our lives that will damage us in some way or another. Yes, at times I feel damaged knowing my biological family are a bunch of nuts, but then I know if they raised me I would have been worse off, so I use the negative to empower me.

If I was not adopted I likely would have not survived, I would have not had all the amazing people I have in my life. If I was not adopted yes I would have lived with my biological parents who are dynsfunctional beyond words, who think appearance is more important than education, etc.

I am damaged, but we all are adopted or non-adopted.

Daisey Duck

Oh OllieO ya know I asked this question a while back and you should feel lucky you are not getting the hateful answers I did insisting that we are all damaged and insisting that if some don't feel that they are then you know they must be in denial. . Most of the ones that answered my question haven't answered yours (yet lol) I really like Just Me & Jennifer L"s answers. I went through three sets of parents by the time I was 3. My bio's the first adoptive parents (who abused me and my brothers) and the third set my mom and dad. By their standards I should be damaged beyond repair. But ya know what I'm not damaged. My mom and dad helped me work through the problems brought on by the abuse. I have a deep love for them they are truly my mom and dad. I know the story of my adoption and I have no problems with it. To me it is just a fact of my life that helps make me the strong independent woman I am today. Although I still don't like to be dunked underwater so to some I might be damaged lol. Everyone weather they are adopted or not go through things that leave scars of some kind it's all in how they handle them and how they move on that matters.

Minnimouse

"damaged goods"

Sounds like something useless, something that has no value on this earth anymore.

People have happy adoptions. That is because they are resiliant in nature. They are BORN like that. It makes them less sensitive to traumatic events.

People have difficult adoptions. That is because they are less resiliant and they are BORN like that. It makes them more sensitive to traumatic events.

But no matter how complicated and emotional a person's life is, or how much pain they experience does not make them "damaged goods". They are still valuable people, with passions and skills and love to give.

Is pain bad? Is pain evil and to be avoided at all costs? Without pain, people wouldn't be able to see the good things in life, and without pain people wouldn't be able to learn some of the most important lessons in life. All experiences whether difficult, painful or happy make people who they are and because someone might feel a strong emotion does not mean they should be less valued than anyone else and it might be a good idea to listen to them and (shock-horror) acknowledge what they are saying.

Rowan

For once i partly agree with you. Not all adoptees are damaged, and yes, we are people just like everything else.

But, like everyone else on this earth, we are different. Our experiences vary from good to horrendous. And everything in between. Those experiences shape who we are, good or bad, as well as our own personlities and genetics.

Just me

im adopted and i fine my first parent were druggies my adopted parents are fine people that i love dearly i know my birth mom and i really don't like her but i deal with it when shes here. But my adopted parents are my parents and people need to realize that most of the time when we are adopted we look a our "new" parents like they look at their "birth" parents.Give them the names that they want to call them, parents are parents. their people who love you and take care of you and that stay up all night with you when your sick.

Jennifer L

I'm going to cut Ollie a little slack on this one.

There are lots of adoptees who tell their stories on this forum. Some have had tremendous issues with regard to relinquishment and adoption. Some had abusive adoptive parents. Others have had no feelings of grief or loss related to adoption.

I think that each perspective is unique and all are equally valid.

But here's the rub.

There are also some people on this forum who insist that their truth is the ONLY truth. Look at how many q's/a's we've had that say "adoption messes up the child for life". Well, there are several adoptees who would argue that and take offense to the implication that because they were adopted, they also have been messed up for life.

And I'm also not much into conspiracy theories. I think that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I don't think that 911 was an inside job. And I don't think that the "happy" adoptees here are really secret spies for the NCFA trying to silence adoptees.

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