Why is it okay for APs & PAPs to tell adoptees to 'get therapy' ?

Andraya

I'm sick to death of people telling me I need therapy. What gives someone else the right to make judgement calls about MY life? The only person qualified to do that is my Dr and she says I am perfectly sane TYVM. I have explored therapy and found it less than useful.

What has helped me the most is connecting to my world on a more personal level, not that I expect many other than Gaia to understand where I am going with that one. Spirituality has healed me in ways therapy never could. I'm not talking religion here, I'm talking about inner peace and a oneness with the universe and diety. .

The people who constantly hound others to seek "help" tend to be those who are lacking compassion and empathy. It is a dismissive way to deal with someone who doesn't share the same views. Dismissing adoptees is almost commonplace enough to be laughable at this point. People just can't accept that my reality may be quite different from theirs. By telling us to get therapy they are trying to silence us by way of embarrassment. Nobody wants to be called crazy and they wrongly assume that we will put forth our "good adoptee" side and STFU.

I am all for people suggesting that I flip the coin and look at the other side, I am all for people telling me I need to reevaluate my position or take the time to get to the root of my emotions. To tell someone they need a head shrinker suggests that person feels they should have power over me and be able to control my thoughts and feelings... hate to say it but it feeds back into that adoptees are perpetual children thing. We need AP's, any AP's not just our own, to keep us in line and manage our behaviour.

Sofiakat

This is an interesting question. As an AP I have often advised PAPs to spend some time healing from the grief of infertility before they begin their adoption process. I also advise them that during this time they should also be researching what adoptees go thru. I guess in a way I am telling PAPs to "get some therapy" to deal with their infertility issues. All I know is that, when adopting, especially from foster-care, it is so important to be as stable as possible, to not have some idealistic view of a child they have never met, and to prepare for the fact that their adopted children are NOT their flesh and blood (all of which can have a major impact on how you raise your child). Does this make me rude, vulgar, or baiting? I don't think so.
I believe that what sometimes makes such comments rude vulgar and baiting is the statements usually written before and after the one about therapy.
Yes, we could probably all use a little therapy now and then, PAPs, Aps, and Adoptees alike. I know I could lol.
And yes some people may use such a statement as a way of stopping another from speaking their mind, to end a discussion when another does not agree with their view point.

Mary G

I have to agree with Sly and others. It is not ok, and honestly alot of us have been in therapy!

Chickadee? Yeah reported you, how dare you? Nasty, negative, snarky piece a writing you did there. Proud of yourself? Have some issues don't ya? Maybe you need some more therapy....

IDK!!

If you remember, when you told me that you think that many infertile people here need therapy, I agreed. geez, who doesn't?

Hey, if someone needs it, they should get it.

As an AP I don't think "I" need therapy for infertility, because i'm not infertile, but my distain for pregnancy can't be normal. I'm sure there is something i can bore a therapist with.

spydermomma

This is an interesting question. I tend to think a lot of people could benefit from therapy -- on here and off. I don't think that is often very useful advice to give to a stranger, though. Especially not a stranger in whose metaphorical shoes you have not walked. And especially not as a put down or a way to dismiss someone's feelings.

As far as I remember, I have only offered this advice to fellow APs, PAPs, those grieving a pregnancy loss, or others where I feel I have some understanding of where they are -- because I've been there. And I've never offered that advice alone, because I don't think therapy does all that much good by itself. But sometimes, when I see someone really hurting, I will suggest therapy -- try to talk them into it, actually. But again, only as part of offering suggestions for what else might help -- and only if they are asking either explicitly or implicitly for advice or help.

You asked: "Is therapy a panacea that can heal all wounds, or are some life events just painful, and we have to learn to live with them?"

Therapy cannot heal all wounds. It can't heal any that one isn't willing or ready to have healed, for one. And it can't heal anything much by itself. And yes, some things are just painful, and will remain painful no matter how much therapy you do. I would argue that good therapy, at the right time, can do much to help a person put themselves together from the broken parts, and to smooth over the places where the cracks are. The breakage is still there, many times, but therapy can help one to feel more whole.

You asked: "Is telling someone to 'get therapy' just a way to say, 'your feelings make me uncomfortable, so you must need psychological help?'"

Sometimes on here that seems to be exactly what they mean. Or maybe: "I don't want to hear your anger or your pain, so just shut up about it or go tell someone you are paying to listen." Either way it seems pretty dismissive to say "Wow, you sure are angry, maybe you should get some therapy." And I think it is meant to be dismissive, to discount someone's thoughts and feelings because they must be "sick."

If this advice is coming from an adoptive parent to an adoptee, then I think what is sometimes underlying it is the thought or hope that >their< child won't feel this way -- that the adult adoptee they are talking to only feels the pain or loss because they are mentally ill, or because they did not have caring adoptive parents, etc. It is wrong and dismissive for an a-parent to suggest that an adult adoptee seek therapy to "fix" what they are saying is a core loss, something inherently unfixable. But I do understand, I think, where an a-parent might be coming from. I think all adoptive parents hope their children will not feel a deep, irreparable loss because they were adopted. No parent wants their children to feel pain -- especially a pain the parent has no way to fix. So I think adoptive parents usually hope that somehow their children will be exempt from this pain, or at least that we can fix it. So by saying that the adult adoptee needs therapy, they are maybe saying, deep down: "I hope you can get therapy and then be healed and not feel a loss anymore and not feel angry anymore. Because then there is hope for my child not to feel such profound loss and not to hate me for having adopted them."

Hmm, that sounds like it is us a-parents that need the therapy, huh? lol! Maybe we could all go together?

Sly

No, there are some wounds that won't heal. We learn to cope.

And, you are seeing a perfect example of some of the wounds in the post from Chickadee, who CLEARLY has issues. Obviously, she is having major issues with the fact that not all adoptees are grateful, as she does with "bitter, angry" bmothers. What's not to be angry about, I ask you?

aloha.girl59

If it's said in a snarky tone, like "get over it already. You were adopted. Big deal!" then it's not OK. If it's said in a loving manner by someone who truly wants to help, then it's only slightly insulting.

Will therapy cure an adoptee of what ails him/her? No. Can it help with feelings of inadequacy, frustration, hurt? Possibly. I am not an adoptee but have been in therapy for years for various reasons. Am I ashamed of it? No. Do I think therapy is for everyone? No. Do I think it cures all of humanity's ills? Hell, no! But it is helpful for some people. For example, I started seeing a new therapist when I moved to Hawaii. I moved here when my husband left and needed someone impartial to talk to. It has helped me. I got lucky and found a therapist that I respect. My therapy has been a good thing. Has it cured my problem? No. I'm still divorced. Has it helped me to better deal with my husband leaving and the feelings I have because of it? Absolutely.

Again, it's not for everyone, but it CAN help. I would like to think that when someone mentions therapy for adoptees, they're only trying to help. Too bad there are so many morons out there who say it in a flippant way.

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

I completely agree with you.

I think people get so caught up in "baby fever" they should be classified as insane.

I think that instead of giving these people a baby, they should be sent into a program. Once they realize, life goes on, life has meaning, even if you don't have a baby, THEN they can consider themselves potential parents.

Edit to add:
Did I read your question correctly?
You weren't talking about all adopters. Just the rabid ones with fertility issues. Right?
You weren't talking about adoption itself, just the "double standard" that tells adopted people to get therapy, but bends over backward to support the crazy people who've been brain washed by "baby fever".

Right?

Cause you've gotten some "out there" answers.
LOL!

snowwillow20

I think therapy is a very personal thing. I had therapy because I couldn't talk to anyone without feeling judged or bad about myself. My therapist was there for me, through all my tears and fears and I felt free to blame anyone I wanted, without fear of retribution. In the end, I realized that everyone in my life had a small part in our adoption but ultimately it was my boyfriend and I who signed those papers, even though I don't remember doing it. We are to blame.
To tell the truth I think therapy would benefit most people of the triad.

Mei-Ling

Because some APs and PAPs do not understand what there is to be "angry/frustrated" about.

Many of us adoptees ended up in good homes. I did. Many of us received good experiences. Of course, not all of us did, so please don't believe I am trying to discount your voice.

But honestly, could you imagine how you might perceive it from an adoptive parent's view?

"Sure, this little girl won't have any direct access to her culture, but she'll be in America and we can cook the food on occasion and attend language classes and sign her up for culture camp. If it weren't for us, she probably would have either been adopted to another couple or languished away in an orphanage because she was abandoned with no way to trace her biological family or roots. If WE didn't adopt her, it's not like she would go back to her biological family. So what's the harm in adopting?"

I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with you; just merely trying to see if you can somehow perceive it - even just a little - from an adoptive parent's view.

And no - this is NOT about taking sides against ANY fellow adoptees, so lay off the comment button before you decide to tell me, "What?! You're taking the APs' side?!"

I do not think when people say "you need to get therapy", it is their way of saying "you make me uncomfortable." I think it has more to do with actual, genuine confusion as to why an adoptee who has a good experience would still either want to search or go back to their birth country.

ETA: "Apparently children aren't enough to heal even the most messed up people!"

Um, I thought children weren't meant to "heal" people.

grapesgum

Debunking the "as if born to" and other adoption myths is dangerous business. History is full of people who were persecuted for speaking the truth and told that they were crazy for not mouthing the party line.

maybe

Intellectual laziness - it's much easier to dismiss another point of view by saying "you need therapy."

tish

sunny...get out of my head!!! i JUST had this convo with my cousin about 1 week ago.

my answer: it's easier to find fault in others who are critical of a behavior that one benefits from than to self-examine one's implicit role in the behavior.

in other words: it's easier to blame those "bitter adoptees" for pissing in the "adoption koolaid" and view infertility as a terminal illness, then to face the reality that one's adopted child might be unhappy and that infertility doesn't give someone the right to fuel a business based on human exploitation.

Amanda

First of all, not all AP or PAPs have fertility issues. So you can tell me that till you're blue in the face and it won't make an ounce of difference. Sometimes I think I'm a little TOO fertile.

That being said, I think that there are obvious reasons adoptees are upset. They have ever right to be frustrated or feel displaced. And I think a lot of the time, therapy CAN help (not solve it, but help). I think therapy can help with a lot of things though, so I wouldn't take offense.

Independ"ant"

You're absolutely right about the hypocrisy. It remind me of conservative Republican ideology.

Is telling someone to 'get therapy' just a way to say, "your feelings make me uncomfortable, so you must need psychological help?"

In adoption land...in general...Yes.

You are feared by Aps and Paps because they know if enough well educated Adoptee's like yourself speak up....Reform will happen and not in their favor.

In Guatemala a few good attorney's/volunteers were murdered and/or kidnapped trying to get the racket halted. Its unknown how many natural mothers were killed. All they would have to do is carve up a girl/women and it was just written off as a victim of the Serial killer thats been running around for the past 10+ years.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

Damn..y'all reported her and I didn't get to see her answer! sheez

Indian-vision

IMHO any one thats obssesive, blatantly rude and abusive, blaming every one for their problems needs therapy. This is irrespective of who you are. They are issues to deal with if any one is always very rude and insulting.

School Nurse, too

It could have something to do with you repeatedly saying that you wish you had been aborted rather than adopted. Sounds like therapy is needed to me.
Chickadee hits it right on the head on all accounts. Definite anger issues with both sets of parents.
AND attention getting and low self esteem.....
Yep, therapy is needed there, too.

......since YOU ask

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