Why is it so difficult for some aparents to accept their child's reunion?

P B

It's because they are living as if the child never came to them by adoption....the reunion breaks that bubble with a bang. Loving and open parents will be open to including their ENTIRE child's history, not just the one that started the day they joined their family.

cruzgirlz3

I think it is insecurity. They are afraid that there might be a special bond that might replace the one they have with their child. I also think some are afraid that the adoptee will be hurt by the process. The thing is reunion is not about the adoptive parents, it is about the adoptee.

Lori A

I honestly think the natural reaction is that the aparents don't want to see their child get hurt, as with any parent. Reunion can cause a lot of hurt and disappointment.

Kazi

Different people. Different reasons.

Some adoptive parents are very supportive of their kid's reunions and even help in the search if that's what their child wants and enjoy a friendly relationship with their child's first family.

Some adoptive parents are supportive of search and then once it becomes a reality, those very human and normal emotions crop up: fear, insecurity, jealousy. None of these are the adoptees problem though, and hopefully those feelings are eventually resolved.

Some adoptive parents are against reunion because of the above reasons, but instead of fear for what the parents are going to lose, they are in fact fearful for their children. It could be everything from fear their child will be rejected or the first family will not live up to their child's expectations, or if there was a history of abuse, that their child will be physically or emotionally harmed. Again, hopefully those feelings will be proven ungrounded.

Adoptive parents are human too and emotions are not often rational. Adoptive parents, regardless of their reservations, should support their child in their reunion, as even if everything else is not what they would have hoped, they will know that they will always have their parents support.

Serenity71

I have had older adoptee's and adoptive parents say they could do what we're doing. That is having face to face contact with the biological mother from an early age. Why is that? I would have though adoptee's would have been more open about it. (I know, I know some here are, but not all adoptee's are I have found in RL outside of the internet. Which took me by surprise!)

We had mixed emotions at first and occasionally still do. Of course we would, it's new territory in our lives and if we didn't then we'd be in denial. (That's not good either.)

I don't like closed adoptions personally. You still need to protect things like home addresses. But a child is entitled to learn over time their history.

I have other AP friends with older kids and they have mixed feelings at times when they think their children may want to meet their biological mother/father. They still say they will support them and they know its not about them. But it doesn't stop them from having mixed emotions about it. They often can't talk about it because they don't want their child to feel they won't support them.

Most of it is protectiveness.( And you know the AP have a history with their kids too.)

I think its good for AP to meet the bio mother at one point if the reunion works out okay.

These days AP are being educated more on the benefits of reunions and how to gradually let their kids know about their adoption. And how to emotionally handle that part of their child's journey.

Change is happening and I hope more records are opened up across the world.

Believe it or not AP's do like to have information to share about the BM/BD with their kids at the appropriate times in their lives.

If you were treated badly by medical staff many years ago or forced to give up a child, the AP's might not know about it. (I have a friend who's an adoptee that discovered her Birth mother was lied to by authorities and so were the AP... )so they could be shocked at the truth, but its not them who did it, direct the anger at the people responsible for it in government dept's or private agencies.

Lillie

I'll go with 'Insecurity and Possessiveness' for 50, Alex.

BPD Wife

I will not discourage my son from finding his original family if he chooses to do that as an adult. In fact, we have a wonderful relationship with our son's bio-grandparents and they are truly a part o of our extended family. However, because of the situation of neglect & abuse prior to birth and immediately following his birth, I would discourage any type of reunion with his original parents at this point.

Natural instinct wants me to protect my son, so of course, I want my son to be old enough to understand and cope with the magnitude of a reunion. As he grows and matures, I will be as supportive as I can with what his wants and desires are with regards to his original parents. If he needs my help in finding them once he is ready, I will do everything in my power to assist with that. I just want to make sure that he has all of the resources available to him to help with any emotions that result in the meeting.

As I said, this is how I feel about my son's reunion because of his situation with his original parents. If the situation had been different, I would probably feel different. But I would never willingly put my son in a situation (he is only 5) where I felt he could not be protected.

Mommy of 2

Well I think they think that maybe the child will think less of them as a parent or may want nothing to do with them after....and I know some worry about the rejection the child may feel when the birth family wants nothing to do with them...My sister never met her dad and when she found him he was 55 and my sister was 22 and his wife said he couldn't have anything to do with her and then finally the whole fam found out about my sister and wanted her to come visit so last week she did so and met her family the rejection she felt in the beginning was horrible but now it is overshadowed by the love of the family she didn't know.....I think mainly that is the reason adoptive parents dont like the idea...when you have kids you never want to see them hurt!!!

textqueen580

My mom and dad (adoptive) have also told me bad stuff about my birth mom and for a long time I didn't want to meet her at all but now I kind of want to when I get older. She was young when she had me and my mom told me the social worker told her she was having a hard time deciding to give me up so maybe she loved me and she isn't bad as they say. My dad is ok with me finding ehr someday but my mom tells me it is a bad idea, that she is not a nice person and that she probably will just reject me and that they are my real parents anyway. I love my parents (adoptive) but that doesnt mean I am not curious to know people that are related to me too. My mom (adoptive) will alwys be my mom but I dont see why that should mean I can't get to know the person that is a part of me and see what she is like. I've always wanted to know who I look like and where I get certain things from. Why is that wrong? I wish my mom had more faith in my love for her, I think she is wrong.

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