Why is it so hard to believe that it might just be adoption?

Cam

I understand what you're saying and I totally agree that like other emotional traumas and loss in life like divorce,death, etc...adoption carries it's own set of loss.

The big difference in adoption is that it attacks the adopted individual at the very core of their being and existence in a very personal way. I can understand how the recovery of that is difficult for some adoptees.

Camira B

I'm sorry to say that I was very shocked and hurt by some of these answers. I love and want my son with all might heart! Did I want to give him up? No
Did I have to anyway? Yes
Why? Because people were already promised my son and so medical records where falsified, information was withheld, and I was scared into adoption by threat of putting my son through the foster care system (which I did not want for him. He deserves much better than that) by the very people I trusted. I wasn't given any options to prove myself (It was a drug test gone awry, popping positive for three hardcore drugs that I'm not even sure one could mix without dying, and I was denied a retest, and they told me my confirmatory and my son's test wouldn't be back for weeks even though they already had them)
Is adoption the problem? Most definitely. It's the fact that so many people want healthy babies and they are willing to pay a high price from them. Who'd want to lose that kind of income? Not America

If adoption didn't exist, my son would most certainly not be wandering the streets. If adoption didn't exist, then I would of known right from the time I found out I was pregnant that he was going to stay with me!
A better life with adoptive parents? Why? Money, resources? That's not what a child cares about. What about the resulting trauma? Do you people actually believe the benefits outweigh the costs?
This is exactly why adoption doesn't change. People just can't seem to except that there is a dark side to something that's supposed to "be so wonderful."

JennaBear

I wonder that too, Phil. It's frustrating.

Not Adopted

The cultural myth of "adoption is beautiful" is nearly impossible to challenge. This makes it hard for anyone to publicly acknowledge the pain of adoption, even those who feel that pain profoundly.

The media reinforces the myth by celebrating high profile adoptions stories (Barbara Walters, Madonna, Angelina Jolie). Only by openly talking about the pain and loss involved in adoption will we ever be able to look at it from another perspective.

Sofiakat

Adoption does hurt. And hopefully with the right resources adoptees, bmoms, and aps can work thru pain.
I am sorry that you have had your experience invalidated here. So have I. So have most of us. I have seen all people of the triad attacked on-line. It isn't right and it isn't fair, but all we can control is our own personal actions.

ladybmw1218

In an ideal world there would be no adoption (and no divorce or abortion, or abuse, or infertility), so yes, the fact is adoption is less than ideal and therefore can have any number of negative consequences...as can any less than ideal situation.

All we can do, seeing as how we do not live in an ideal world, it try to mitigate things and minimize negative consequences. They cannot be eradicated though.

Independ"ant"

As humans we are all flawed but fortunately most of us realize its not just about "me". Unfortunately, many don't.

I'm not crazy about the analogy of divorce although I get and agree with your point. Children have no voice or choice and society in general does try encourage parents to make it work out.
I think its brave that many adoptees are speaking out and it doesn't take an expert to realize that some other adoptees have suppressed their emotions and can't face them and live in denial. I would never try to force an adoptee into facing emotions they are not ready to deal with but at the same time I wouldn't try to ignore it either. If someone was truly okay with their adoption they would not be saying things like I have no interest in knowing my heritage or biological parents and getting defensive over others that express themselves. This is something that is wrongly supported and/or encourage by a 3rd party.

The problem with comparing divorce to adoption is that there are outside 3rd and 4th party's involved with adoption that are looking out for their own wants and interests despite what is truly best for a child. Many are not interested in giving any kind of support to keep a family together. Its not their problem and it goes against what they are looking for.

I think that emotionally trauma does take a backseat to physical trauma because its not visual.
I think education, awareness, and prevention should be persude and understood to prevent more unecessary adoptions. Everyone is dealt different cards in life and its only morally right to try to help those less fortunate and not to take advantage of them.

I personally don't like when people try to justify or make up rationals for their personal choices. The "I didn't know" excuse doesn't cut it with me. In many cases of truly legal IA its about "money". Instead of giving someone $50 a month so they can raise their child and spare them "losing" almost everything, they chose to give an attorney $20-70,000.00 so they can get what they desire. Its so wrong on many levels. They don't care to look at the heartbreak its causing the mother/child/family. These people want to have their own "issues" relieved or resolved. They don't want to believe in anything that will prevent that.

I don't think all Pap's or Ap's are like this and I do think that adoption is needed in some cases but just not as much as its happening. The term "orphan" is being miss used and abused only by those gaining something from it.

I think those that aren't open to the idea of fostering a family should at a minimum keep their hands off of someone elses children and try to be a voice for those being suppressed by their gov't . Those that can't are not morally fit to be an a-parent.

JoHn S.

I like the analogy to divorce. Just like adoption...

-Divorce (adoption) isn't the initial goal
-Saving a marriage (maintain a family) isn't easy, but all attempts should be made
-Kids can hurt more than expected, even if the divorce (adoption) was necessary
-Divorce (adoption) should be the last choice
-Divorce (adoption) IS sometimes necessary
-Divorce (adoption) CAN be the best option

I suppose the comparisons could go on and on.

Jolie F

It's not the act of adoption that hurts the adoptee. It is the way it is handled afterwards. LDA's (late discovery adoptees) have a huge burden to deal with as they spend most of their lives believing they are one person, when really they are another. LYING is what causes the hurt. Aparents need to understand that their children need to know that they are adopted. Because God forbid the bparent(s) come looking for them, the shock will throw the adoptee across the room.

Gypsy Wolf

Why not think adoption hurts? Because adopting a child gives that child a family that loves them. No, not all adopting parents will love their child, but not all biological parents love their child.

My brother's father was an abusive drug addict who kicked my mother and brother out of his house leaving them with no where to go. But my father (who had been my mom's friend and on/off boyfriend since they met in junior high) married my mom and adopted my brother. Jesse (my brother) was raised as my dad's son and the only problems were those of my brother having a mild case of tourettes syndrome.

When you grow up in a town where parents constantly abuse, and I don't mean spanking, their children you begin to see adoption as a good thing. It's why I plan on adopting a child when I'm married and ready for children.

Why blame anyone or anything? Sometimes children have a bad experience with adoption, sometimes the adoptive parents have a bad experience.

Sophie

Yes there is loss in adoption. Why do we have to blame anyone? Who is "WE?"

"Do we think that, simply because not every child of divorce is unhappy or messed up, that divorce is a good thing? No." Divorce CAN BE A GOOD THING. Divorce was right for my family and in fact it WAS a good thing for us all.

"Do we encourage people to divorce? No."
I would encourage it if the couple was unhappy together. Most definitly, yes. But not always... I'd also suggest counselling to help with their issues, first-- just like a child or adult with trauma or loss issues.

"Do we acknowledge that divorce itself (not how the parents handle it) can harm children? Yes. " It can but not all are "harmed" by it. Us kids were better off because of my parents' divorce. I haven't even thought about it for YEARS now-- and the only reason is because of your question. I have no bad feelings from it at all. In fact, I'm still happy about it.
------------
Gaia: You said: "...that if people handle a divorce properly, that child, or ex husband/wife, or ANYONE involved with that family is not allowed, and/or never will, miss the cohesive, loving family unit that once was?" Usually in divorce cases, there is no cohesiveness... that's why they are getting divorced.

Even in a divorce, the chidren are the most important factor... you don't have to be the divorcee to be involved in the divorce. Isn't this all about how the child feels and needs?

Gaia, don't you feel cute - ummm just because I'm single now, does not mean that I was always single.

sally

This is all true! Like divorce adoption is not going to go away. It is needed now and always will be. I get the feeling from this forum that you want us to all be pissed off for life that this happened to us. I am not. I like who I am and I like my life story. I am sorry that this upsets you. Do I think that there are hurts in my adoption? Yes, but we have handled it with grace and are all at peace with it. I do not feel damaged and I never have. Adoption has not taken anything from me. I do not think that you have to feel the same as me. I am just sad that you are so angry.

Mrs. Heather Schabby

Adoption hurts, but adoption can also be a beautiful thing. Many children long to be adopted. Sure, there is a sense of loss with adoption, and an entire lifestyle changes. People who have no blood between them become a family - but the same thing happens when divorced people remarry and people gain step children. That is a painful experience, but can also be a very living, joyous one.

Would it be better for these children to live without a family at all? Adoption may be a tricky situation, but I assure you in most cases it's much better than living in and out of different foster care homes for your entire life.

irish_lad_921

Wel its a well thought out statement there is really not a unbiased question here. Adoption is a iffy subject it all depends on the adopting parents and the way they raise the adopted son or daughter they can have a awsme experance or just one that is hell but its all how the kid looks at it as well they could be upset because they arn't blood. But all-n-a,, blood dosen't make a father or mother. it makes a mom and dad but not a father or mother. A father and mother are the ones that will take care of you 100% and always place your needs first. But like i stated there isn't a clear question on here.

Beth S

I don't doubt that adoption hurts. But there will always be people putting kids up for adoption and there will always be AP's wanting to adopt children. Is it not better to be adopted than to grow up in a foster home? I don't think anyone is doubting that adoption hurts...but unfortunately it will always be around. When a child is "rescued" from a terrible situation or from foster care that is a good thing. I don't understand the people who are against adoption. It is not a perfect world, (even though I wish it was) and there will always be homeless and abandoned children. The people that adopt those children are heros. On the other hand, pressuring young mothers to put their baby for adoption is whole other issue.

colonyvice

because when you set your child up for adoption, you don't know what there future holds.

lillian

Adoption usually happens when someone gets pregnant not on purpose and its too late or insted of getting an abortion the decide to give someone a baby and not kill life just to give someone else a life. When you think about the most common happening it would be better if the child was giving to someone who wanted a child but was unable to have children. If they stayed with the unprepared parent they would probably have a more difficult/ harder life then the life with knowing they were adopted. They probably young unready parent wold have a harder time and therefore so would the child. The baby that is being givin away also dosent have a large attachment yet. While i think there is a fundimental connection that will always be there i don't think that they are fully connected at the point of adoption. I think that it would probaby hurt for the adult to loose the child but i think there would be less pain for the child.

Dear Darling,

I would say because adoption is actually our societies way of saying "Well, at least you didn't abort the kid!"
At this point, every conservative person in this nation is turning a blind eye to this fact (that adoption is traumatic).
"We're" just patting ourselves on the back for making abortion clinics taboo and keeping a kid alive.
Even if the child gets sent through adoption agencies until he's 18.
:(

K M

Adoption is not birth control... abortion is not birth control. That being said.. the adoptive parents are usually going to do a better job raising the child than the birth mother. She put the child up for adoption for a reason. Whatever her reason I cannot judge but it was enough that she didn't want to raise the child. Had she not had the option of adoption the child very well could be another victim of neglect or abuse. Adoptive parents are usually seeking out a child and thereby will respect the child. Does it hurt for everyone involved. Yea sure it does, but what would the result be otherwise? An unwanted child in the care of a neglectful birth mother. Is that not hurtful too, but in another way.

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