Why is my mom being like this?

When I was a baby my biological mom put me with her second cousin who later lost custody of me and I was placed in foster care. When I was 5 I was adopted by my adoptive parents. They raised me and I love them.

However, I searched for my biological mom for 13 years ago when I got engaged. It was hard though and took me so long to find her. About a year ago I received a call from a woman and she told me she was my biological mother. I asked her what my name was when I was born (My name was changed to Talia when my second cousin took me in and I was told my biological mother was never told). She said Ashley. That's correct. I burst out crying. We talked and talked and then met a month later. Then a few weeks later she met my husband and three kids. We all were happy and loved each other.

I thought my adoptive mother would be happy for me. But she wasn't. She yelled at me and called me ungrateful when all I did was find my flesh and blood. She calmed down, met my biological mother and everything was fine. Or so I thought.

Then my adoptive mom started getting angry when my biological mother would stop by to see the kids. Then she got mad when I invited my biological mother over on mother's day. I shrugged it off knowing she was just jealous because after all of these years of raising me I had another mom I loved. I spent tons of time with my adoptive mother and just as much with my biological mom.

What broke the straw on the camel's back was last week when my adoptive mother and biological mother were over. My 5 year old daughter came into the room and called my biological mother, Grandma. Now, she always does this and calls my adoptive mother Nanna (as she has since she was a baby nothing has changed since my biological mother entered my life.). But my adoptive mother, I guess, never heard my 5 year old call her that and hit the roof. She said "I'm your grandmother, not that thing." and my daughter said "No, she's my grandma and your my Nanna." My biological mother remained calm and said "Jessica, she can have two grandmothers. She actually has three. You, her father's mother and me." And my adoptive mother jumped up and yelled "YOU WILL NEVER BE IN OUR FAMILY!" and almost attacked her. I grabbed her while my biological mother sobbed.

I ordered my adoptive mom to leave. She hasn't ever really been nice to my biological mom.

My husband says I should cut all ties off with my adoptive mom, but I don't want to. Then my adoptive mom sent me an e-mail basically saying if I didn't cut all ties off with my biological mom, I'll be cut off from HER family. My adoptive dad feels the same way.

HELP! I don't want to lose any of them! What should I do? I love my biological mom so much and would hate lose her after spending 13 years trying to find her, but I don't want to lose my adoptive mom even though I've told her numerous times my biological mom isn't a threat! My biological mom so much wants to be my adoptive mom's friend, but she won't allow it!

HELP!
Additional Details
When I searched for my biological mother, my adoptive mom encouraged me! I guess she thought I wouldn't go through with it though with her reaction.

Sly

I'm sorry but I am about to be the ***** here. I see all the apologies and excuses for bad behavior, and the coddling. Bad behavior is bad behavior. why make excuses and apologize for it ? She is an adult and she is acting like a spoiled 2 year old.

When you married, did the fact that you liked your spouses family threaten her? Did she force you to choose sides then? That would have been a shocking breach of polite behavior, correct? Well, so is this!

I would suggest that instead of allowing this to continue, you merely tell her that you are sorry that she feels that way, her grandchildren and you will miss her. Leave the door open, but don't knuckle under, because you are right, you are righteous and if you cave on this you will spend the rest of your life kowtowing to her.

This is one reason that I have never delivered ultimatums to people I loved. If I force someone to make a choice, I may not like their decision. Shame on her for forcing you to choose. But, shame on you if you allow it. Your mother sounds as if she behaved perfectly and the other mother had your entire childhood and all the moments in between then and now. She is not going to be replaced in your life.

Sounds like maybe there is more to the story than you may know.

Your choice, in the end, but when someone acts like a spoiled child, they deserve to be treated as one, in my opinion.

snowwillow20

My daughters amom was very upset that I had found my daughter. My daughter has to keep us completely separate. I found my daughter in 2001 and have only seen her amom on the very first meeting and I have never met her stepdad.
I figure if that's what works for my daughter then that is the way it and I'll abide by thier wishes.

Kassy

She's jealous.
I know it's not quite the same, but when my in-laws divorced and my father-in-law remarried my husband's mom put us through a lot that. As a matter of fact, we had the same name issue. My husband's mother is Nanna, his stepmother is Grandma to our children. Nanna didn't like stepmom being Grandma, and she gave us an ultimatum too.

We made it clear to Nanna that although we love her, she can't choose who else we have in our lives besides her. Whenever she gave us the ultimatum we responded with "You may choose to cut us out, but we will never cut you out." Then we divided up our time. We don't have them over at the same time. We let Nanna (my husband's mom) know that on X's birthday Grandma (stepmom) is coming over for dinner, but that we want Nanna at the party for X's classmates. When she'd respond by asking if we knew how she felt about it, we didn't make a fuss, we just answered simply "Yes, we do know, you won't have to see her, we hope to see you then." We tried to downplay it all, and be firm.

Unfortunately, it's been more than five years and we still have to make sure we divide up the time because my husband's mother won't be in the same room with stepmom. However, she has gotten past ever bringing it up or showing any jealousy. She can hear our children talk about Grandma without kicking up a fuss.

I would suspect that your adoptive mom was supportive at first because she thought it would be matter of a few meetings and getting some questions answered. I don't think she thought how it would be to sit in your living room with her "rival" and see "her" grandchildren going to you mother.

Freckle Face

Dear Talia,

WOW!! I'm so sorry. I guess your adoptive mom isn't really giving you a choice. I would let her (your adoptive mom) go for now. I hope she can get help and come to terms with things. You should NEVER be put in a position of choosing between your parents.

In your shoes, i would refuse to choose. Remind her that you love her and don't want to lose her but you are an adult and you can choose who you have in your life. By not choosing you in no way are disrespecting her, you are respecting yourself and your desire to have a healthy relationship with both of your mothers.

Best wishes.

Not Adopted

It's really none of your a-mom's business. You can have a relationship with whomever you want.

Lilr0ckstar

i think that u should ask ur adoptive mom y is she being this way and then fix the problem that she has or at least try kk

leila

YIKES!!
This is such a touchy subject. Your A-mom does not understand biological loss...and she is feeling VERY threatened. Don't quibble with her, take the high road here and send her a letter telling her what a special mom she has been and no other woman could take her place even your bio mom. You would hate for her to cut off contact with you but you would respect her wishes. You will not choose between these important women because you needed both to be brought into this world and you need both now.
Bio mom should also write a letter telling her what a great job she did with you, how great you turned out and how thankful she is and that she is never going to try to take over that role.
Send A-mom a book on reuniting with birth family along with the letter.
I hope to have a good relationship with my childrens bio mom when they are older...I am in contact with her now because I know how important it will be later. And I am not threatened by her existence.

Darcy

While your adoptive mothers behavior is extreme, the bottom line is her role as mother and grandmother is threatened by your birth mother's reappearance in your life. No matter how much you try to reassure her, hearing you and your daughter refer to another woman as Mom and Grandma has unearthed an insecurity within your adoptive mother.

You have children. Imagine that after years of raising, loving and being the only mother in their life, you suddenly had to share that role with another woman. It'd be hard to come to terms with.

Before I decided to find my birth mother, I sat down with my adoptive mother and told her about my decision and explained my reasons why. We talked, we laughed, and we cried....and when I met my biological mother, my Mom was right by my side supporting me, just as she has been for the last 31 years of my life.

It may take some time, but don't give up on your adoptive family just yet. You need to talk with them to explain your feelings and also explore how they are feeling.

Good Luck

Absinthe

Just keep them apart.
There is no use in falling into the trap of becoming the object of a tug-of-war. They fulfill different facets of your life, and there is no need to try and gel these very different worlds - it is much too complicated. Each mother has a special place the other cannot ever fill.
You will just have to manage it to attain maximum happiness for yourself.

Serenity71

Did you talk to her first before you searched for your bio mother?

I understand your hurt by her reaction, but maybe you might have to cool some of her contact with your biological mother for while so your Amother can sort out her feelings. I agree with you in not simply cutting your Amother off would only add to her state and confirm she was right all along. That one day she'd lose you. Besides would your husband like to be cut off from you if your marriage goes through a rough patch. I doubt it.

People can be harsh to Aparents during the time their kids go searching. (If an adoptee wants understanding when they are confused and hurting, they could return some of that understanding as well its not all one way in an adult relationship with parents. )

She might need some counseling. Could you go with her if she agree's to it. Show her you value your relationship with her even if it means pulling out the family photo album over coffee and talking about all the wonder things you did with your mum growing up.

You said that you have told her numerous times you bio mother isn'ty a threat but she needs to believe that herself. Next mothers day plan time with her alone, and then later with your bio mother. Give some time for the dust to settle. Outward affection goes a long way too.

Good luck with this and I hope your able to find a solution that works.

Lil L

This is definitely a tough situation. This comes down to it is a very personal decision that neither one of them should have tried to force. Your adoptive mother has given you her love, attention, and support for most of your life. Your biological mother gave you life.

You must decide what role you want each of them to play in your life. This is not something anyone else can decide for you. Your adoptive mother is struggling to understand her identity in the face of this new "competition" for her place in your life. At that same time, your biological mother wants to have a place in your life. It is up to you to decide who belongs where. Please don't let either one of them pressure you into a hasty decision. Also, don't feel that you can't change the roles as the relationships develop. I know your heart must be torn, but it is possible to make this a live-able situation. Best wishes!

Indian-vision

What a pity out here all people believe is that only adoptees searching or birth mothers healing need support and heeling. To those saying A.parents need help from any one but adoptee are wrong.
Socially coming from a country that has very strong family values (proof is in joint family system still existing and far lesser divorces than the west all for the family's sake....). It is important to never neglect any family members feeling even if that is causing you pain and anguish. Your mother needs to know you will never leave her. Don't let her fears come true. No therapist can provide that but YOU !!! If it makes you feel guilty about being with your birth mom- don't harbour that guilt. You are right in keeping both mothers by your side.

I equal it to a situation when a mother has a child and soon the child that has been the centre of your being will have another sibling. Many children feel jealous of their younger sibling. So should the mom just say ......"deal with it....not my problem!" No !! she will give the older child a lot more support keeping in mind that this child needs more attention and love while NOT neglecting the new born either. Soon the child will be secure in his sibling relationship.
Yes in this case we are all adults.....but the situation needs the same kind of handling and support from you. Unfortunately you have a lot of pressure.......but we are capable of dealing with this pressure and stress if it was FAMILY.

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