Why is the Artificiality of Adoption Denied?

Freckle Face

Hi Heather,

In regards to love. I personally love all of my children the same. Each child holds an equal part of my heart just by being who they are, my children.

In regards to parenting and raising my children, i will give you this much. My bio-children there is an ease. They are easier to parent because i can pretty much predict how they will react to certain situations. (the same way i would) There is no testing of my love.

Now that i am a parent to two adopted children i do see similarities. I don't immediately understand them. I have learned to ask "what was your thinking" behind their actions. I have to work hard to prove my love and devotion to them. At times it seems as if i am tested. If i am really naughty will she still love me? They need extra attention. It really is hard work at times.

Maybe it is hard work because we are not biologically related, i don't care. I love them for who they are. Their differences make me smile and see things from more than just one pov. I could never love one child more or less just because they are easier to parent. I was ready for the hard work when i took on the role of mom. I have five girls who hold equal parts of my heart. Nothing in the world will ever change that.

ETA: Okay, I think i finally get what you are saying. (insert *doh* smiley here)

I raise my adopted children very differently than my bio children because their needs are very different. my achildren have photos in their rooms of their First Families. bchildren have nothing. We go out of our way to learn our achildren's cultural heritage. bchildren we do nothing. I do more volunteer work at school for my achild. I spend most of my free time learning about adoption. I read books, go to seminars, and have adoption support groups. With the remainder of my free time i keep DD's extended families informed with letters, photos, artwork, etc... I get that my two DD's had no choice in their adoption, so i work as hard as i can to be knowledgible in all aspects of adoption to better support their needs.

MamaKate

Wow, Heather! Killer question!*

I personally think it has to do with the ridiculous notion of "normalcy"! I'm getting known for always pointing out that all adoptions are different because PEOPLE are different :) however we are working against a HUGE societal pressure for everyone to be "normal".

Unfortunately, people forget that "normal" is relative. The only family that is really like the one on "The Donna Reed Show" is the one on "The Donna Reed Show". The idea of "normal" effects every part of who we are from what is acceptable apperance to what is acceptable behavior to what is acceptable to do for a living and how it is acceptable to raise a child and create a family.

Most people are programmed to think that all families need to fit a stereotype. Some people think that all families should fit the "textbook" without taking into account that there are ALWAYS exceptions. There is a notion that denying the differences is a way to "protect" the adoptee from feeling "abnormal" although I believe it is more healthy to think that WHATEVER you are is "normal" for YOU. (I think there are a fair amount of cases where it is probably more likely to "protect" adults from dealing with their own feelings.)

I believe in TRUTH and celebrating differences. (I think the world would be a very dull place if we were all "normal".) The TRUTH is we are all DIFFERENT and we need to learn to accept each other and care for each other even when we disagree. Respect for ALL people (who haven't lost it through a SERIES of their own actions and lack of remorse) deserve to be seen and treated as PEOPLE. Even/especially CHILDREN.

When it comes to family - especially adoption situations, I have become annoyed with the word "family". We often define it too narrowly in Western society to mean either blood and DNA or legal paperwork, the people who bore you or the people who raised you. We forget that both can love and care for us and BOTH are family. Family means BOTH and more. I personally prefer the word Ohana.

"Part of Hawaiian culture, Ê»ohana means family in an extended sense of the term including blood-related, adoptive or intentional. It emphasizes that family and friends are bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another. " -Wikipedia

(You might know it from the movie Lilo & Stitch. "Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten.")

My personal Ohana is HUGE! It includes my blood family and my closest friends and the adoptive family of my children (even if they choose not to inlcude me). I think love is too important to try to define, "family" are those who are important to you.

Sadly, dispite religion, rights movements, PC efforts and the like; we still live in a world where differences are seen as scary, bad, threatening and "abnormal". We start wars over them, refuse to help each other, judge people we do not know and keep people from one another because of them.

I think it would be nice if we could start seeing Ohanas everywhere instead.

* I am not sure about the word "artificial". I think "difference" might have been the word I would use. Love and blood are both genuine, together and separately. :)

PhilM

I think some people deny for the sake of the parents. (I'm not saying all APs deny it, or that the ones who do deny it deny it for this reason. But I do think the adoption industry denies it for this reason and have tried to sell it to adoptive parents this way.)

I think some, more well-intentioned souls, deny it for the sake of the children. They believe the child will be harmed unless we pretend it's just the same as a biological family. (Some go so far as to claim that it's "better"! On the basis that the child was chosen. Even though, that's obviously false in most cases. Even today, there aren't "baby warehouses," where parents go in and pick their child.)

But as you say, it would be better for all, especially the child, to acknowledge the differences. That way, when issues come up, they can be dealt with honestly and openly, rather than buried to fester. I think APs would feel more secure in their children, and children would feel more "normal" in having odd, sometimes painful, feelings about their adoption and surrounding issues.

Irish

Once again here we have the discussion among all which includes all except the child. The most important key word in the question is "the child" NO ONE knows what it's like to live the life of an adoptee especially in childhood. They seek their roots, their identity. Who am I? Who put me here? Where did I come from? and on and on. There is a difference because the adoptees have said so. Every single last one of them has said so. You cannot walk a mile in their shoes. It is their right to know who they are.

I think many AP deny it is different because it is not different for us. Many of them go into this without research they get their child and they become part of the family and they see the child and love the child every much as a bio child. They can't see the other side.
My wife and i wanted to adopt even when we were dating. Before even calling child and family services and we got books on adoption both on how to adopt and how to raise adopted children. We learned about the identity issues involved and then we talked about it. We decided that we would be able to provide a home that was supportive and acknowledged the differences.
We are not the norm though. My wife and are classic over achievers and we research everything with intense passion before doing it.

Kazi

I believe there are differences and those differences should be acknowledged and even celebrated rather than denied... that would become exhausting.

I think some aparents become defensive because others question the "love" we have for our children. They insist that must be different than the love for a bio child. It must be less than.

The love is intense and powerful and the last time I checked there was no measuring stick, nor should there be.

However, differences in culture, race, personality, talent, etc, should openly be embraced. I think it's best for everyone, especially the child.

ETA - Heather, I understand that "love" wasn't really part of your question, however, I believe when it comes to discussing "differences", some adoptive parents have sadly become accustomed to having that mean "love" and not necessarily any of the other hundreds of interesting differences, and that has obviously left them defensive to the point where they are not addressing those differences to others. Hopefully they are addressing them with their children though.

Stinky Pete

delusions

cakitcat2

There are major differences in adoptive and non adoptive families. There are major differences in most families in general. That is what makes life interesting. There are differences and choices in everything in life. When it really comes down to it, the question is not if there are differences or not, it is how you personally handle the differences.

I think of children of divorce or who have lost a parent in death or whose parents were never married and one of the parents is absent. All of these things weigh on childrens minds whether they say that they do or not. It is up to responsible parents to recognize this and deal with those children and their feelings. Their feelings are valid and how they are dealt with will effect the rest of their lives. Teach the children to face and deal with their feelings so that they can work them out. This is an important lesson and if you deny feelings yourself then you are teaching your children to deny them too.

Going back to the issue of adoptive families. Sometimes it is easier to relate to people that you are biologically related to. I know that some involved with adoption may deny that fact but I know it to be true. That is why I feel that it is important for bfamilies to have some contact with their bchildren so that door is open if the child needs them or wants them in it's life. My son resently met his son who was adopted out without his knowledge. The boy is 2 years old. There was an immediate connection between the two of them. It was something that I had never seen nor imagined. I know that little boy needs his bio dad in his life. We are now trying to establish a relationship that is equally acceptible to both the adoptive family and ours. I have hopes that this afamily will acknowledge the differences and work with us cooperatively.

suga_firefly

I think it would really have to depend on the family in which the child is adopted into. But I think there's always going to be that question there of where you came from. I, for instance, was adopted, and I had a perfectly healthy, wonderful childhood and life so far. However I still really wanted to know things when I got older about who I was, and why I did certain things the way I did.

There's always been the question of nature vs. nurture. What has more impact on a child, the way they're raised, or what their biological/genetic history is? From experience I think it's a lot how they're raised, because what I know of my biological parents is that they were abusive, grew up to live unhappy lives, had some personality disorders, and just were not happy people in general. But I turned out just fine. However, there are definitely biological things you can't control either, in fact some of those biological inheritances get stronger with separation from the birth parents. How else do you explain how two twins could be separated at birth and come to meet each other later in life and find they have the exact same habits, interests, etc. when most twins who live together don't even have all the same habits, etc. So my answer to you is that yes, there are difference between the two types of families, but they don't have to be huge differences it depends on the parents. But yes, I think there will always be quesitons.

sk8ermom

I respectfully disagree with Phil. I feel my adopted children and bio child are the same to me. I have no more or less love for either and I do all the same parenting stuff. I have all the same dreams for them. I do support adopted children in looking for their parents or any other extended family and I support THEM talking about the difference they may feel but its one sided. It has nothing to do with them being "chosen". I think thats kind of a stupid thing to say.
Anyway, I don't buy into the myth that babies are blank slates that should never know where they came from but I also don't buy into the myth that adoptive families are much different from their bio counterparts....at least from the parents prospective.

twinsmama06

Different of course, but one better than the other... don't think so.

Many AP's take the time to educate themselves and worry deeply about making sure they do everything they can to help their children adjust to the fact that they are adopted and different. I work with adoptive parents and I am an adoptive parent. I think a lot of agencies and social workers/counselors that deal with adoption are working hard to ensure that AP's are educated and don't "pretend" or lie to their adopted children. That was definitely the way to do things in the past, but that didn't work for a lot of adoptees. The reason it didn't work is because the truth always comes out and then you have to deal with being adopted along with being lied to by your parents.

I truly believe that my children are where they are supposed to be - they may not have come through me, but they are mine. I will do my best to honor their birth parents and their birth heritage and we will celebrate their adoption day and their birthday (twins). So, there are differences, yes... but why does that have to be a bad thing?!

m'smama

My question is how would someone be able to determine that their life as an adopted child is different than it would have been if they had been raised with their biological parents?

Whatever environment a child is raised in, whether good or bad, is what the child considers "normal." Particularly children who were adopted as infants, and don't know anyone but their adopted parents.

I have several friends (from separate families) who were adopted as infants - they all speak highly of adoption, are grateful that their birth parents placed them for adoption, have never had any interest in finding their biological parents, and had great childhoods with their adoptive parents. They don't acknowledge any differences, because to them, their aren't any!

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