Why is the adoptee point of view so frequently scorned and disregarded?

kidmindi

I think the problem is that people who have not been involved in adoption see it as a "perfect solution" to both unplanned pregnancy and infertility. They also can't imagine that a child who, according to the media image of adopted life, wouldn't be grateful to have the life their adoptive parents gave them.

From the outside looking in, most people believe that adoption involves taking a baby, from either a very young girl who cannot or does not want to raise a baby, or a woman with a criminal and/or drug addicted background and giving it to a nice stable well to do couple who will love and cherish it and give it everything it's first mother could or would not.

With this image in mind they cannot understand how anyone would want to denounce the "wonderful adoptive parents" and search out their "less desireable" first mother.

Add to that that adopted people are usually called "adopted children", we are not seen as adults. We are forever seen as spoiled brat kids demanding what we should not want (ie a relationship with our first families, our OBCs ect,)

Kassy

"the" adoptee point of view? Is there only one point of view that all adoptees share?

I hear and respect any point of view that is expressed articulately and respectfully whether it comes from adoptees, natural parents, or adopters. I ignore and think very little of people who rant, call names, are immature or intolerant.

Jennifer L

I know! It's not like adoptees come on these forums and start calling adoptive parents baby stealers... or say that they aren't real parents... or say that their children cannot love them... or try to speak for EVERY adoptee...

... wait... er, nevermind.

ETA: Funny how when APs voice the desire to be treated with the respect due to every human being that we're told we're trying to "silence" the adoptees, or say to "shut up and be grateful."

A person can state their arguments without minimizing the impacts and still not be "meek" or "catering" to the "other side." They can be heard and even if there is disagreement, there is still respect.

But a few posters on here just refuse to do that. They throw around some very nasty, hate-filled insults... then wonder why they aren't respected in return.

FlyingMonkeySwatter

Have you heard the adoptees on here scorn and disregard each other as well? I have. So I don't believe it is about scorning or disregarding any particular point of view. What I do find is that anyone who is rude, calls names, and is using combative language are scorned and disregarded. They should be. They think their opinion is the only one out there and are willing to draw blood to make their point. That cuts both ways.

Carol c

You're right - it happens often. I've noticed the people who have no understanding at all of what it's like to be adopted, are the ones who attempt to invalidate and marginalize your experience the most.

I suspect it's that perception of adoptees as the "perpetual child"..
It's frustrating but as more and more adoptees and first parents speak out in a calm and rationale manner explaining our experience, people hopefully will eventually get it. In the meantime; keep the following in mind..

"A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history. "
~ Mohandas Gandhi

cricketlady

Because the presenter does not present their point of view in a respectful way at times turns off the listener.
Re: " and everyone else must respect that point of view." You must be joking!! There's hundreds of points of view expressed on the internet and in the world that I have NO respect for. Just because they are presented, even in a respectable manner, does not mean that everyone else is going to accept the message.
Several on the internet can and do post in a respectable way------and a few on here are demeaning and vulgar towards others who don't agree with their point of view. [Check out some of the other adoption sites] If' it's up to them the message will not be accepted.

Tarra

Ignorance perhaps? :)

Honest & Sober

In the real world with the likes of Trudy Rosenwald and other angry pro-adopters they'll have you believe its in the best interests of the child adoptee. They'll tell you that adult adoptees have no place or say in the world of adoption. Basically while an adult may be an adoptee their concerns over adoption won't be addressed as they aren't children anymore.

In Y!A land. A large number of adoptive parents do listen and respect the view of adoptee's. On the odd occasion they may say something out of character. There is a few adoptive parents who won't listen nor care. While the former may do some scorning it's the latter that enjoy and find glee in scorning and disregarding adoptees that don't agree with their point of view.

Apart from some disagreement and the occasional snide remark amongst individuals, the majority of original mothers do listen and respect adoptees.

Adoptees. A hell of a lot of miss understanding. Things are taken out of context and are personalised. What happened to the one for all and all for one. Separate pockets of individuals and camps with no overall unity and solidarity.

Others. Generally trouble makers that jump in without a clue.

"How can adoptees better communicate their point of view?"

Just say your piece or

Write an essay length reply each time you answer a question that details your stance on infant AND foster care adoption. Its details your stance on kinship, domestic, international adoption. It would provide in great detail your stance on open and closed adoptions. It would also provide in great great detail your stance on open or sealed records. Explain in details why you support or oppose searching for family. Finally each adoptee would announce to the world whether they are pro-adoption or anti-adoption. The catch being pro or anti as defined by adoption literature.

When explaining your personal experiences you must begin with a disclaimer. Remember if we don't openly tell the world each and every time we are writing about our own experience and this experience doesn't reflect all adoptions it will always offend some. Some have trouble with agreeing to disagree. Such is life.

I really like the latter method, but you could tell the world you support and want Foster Adoption but no doubtedly someone will still accuse you of not caring for kids that are being abused and that because you support changes to infant adoption you're somehow against all Foster adoptions. It's a strange strange world we live in.

Hermina

I have come to think, it is a feeling of guilt and denial and insecurity that hovers around adoption. I have solved the question for me like this. There is a biological family, and a family I grew up in. In my case, either were dysfunctionalional and crap half of the time. Which is bad for you when you are small. Adoption related, my adopted mothers insistence on her family being my "real"family over my birth mothers and my not knowing I also had a birth father and where I came from seriously warped my building and finding my identity. People don't now enough about adoption and what goes on and what is important to deal with, so they are insecure, tell you to be grateful, for kindly having been adopted and try to believe an adopted mother must neccessarily be a good mother. Someone adopted can have all the family problems non adopted people have, too, plus special adoption related ones. If it were accepted, that adopted mothers, that all mothers aren't neccessarily good ones, that genes and heritage are also important, (They are! ) , and that children need to be confronted, in a supported way, instead of being lied to, then things could be far more relaxed. And I think, if adopted families would just accept, that these children are from somewhere different, and that that is okay, they could be more laid back and normal, too, and instead of trying to eliminate traces of your heritage, be interested in the difference.. After all, any child is an adventure! Just when you adopt a child, it is hard, to allow the child to go on this adventure of self exploring.. hm.

Marnie B

It';s not so much that their point of view is disregarded, it's the way it's presented on sites like this. It's one thing to speak out about your experiences, which everyone has a right to do, but it might be taken more seriously if it was presented in a nice but realistic way instead of with the bitterness, sarcasm, & name calling that happens so often on Yahoo Answers.

SJM

We're not real people. We have 'special' special interests that can only be met by our admission that we were spared a nasty, brutish, and short life by the messianic hand of our altruistic adopters whom we should worship for eternity.

Everyone has their own view. Only thing I object to is when a person with a negative view tries to man handle their view over on someone else and scorn anyone considering adoption. Adoption is most cases is a good thing. parents can be good weather they are birth or adoptive and they can be bad. Giving birth does not mean you have a bond with a child that no other mother can achieve. If that were true how would a father bond?

LinnyG

"Why is the adoptee point of view so frequently scorned and disregarded?" Because most adoptive parents do not want to hear it. One does not have to look any further than this page to see that. "Quit whining!" Jeebus.

It does not matter HOW we communicate our point of view. We have tried for years to be quiet, meek and respectful. That has not worked- just as it did not work when the civil rights movement of the 1960's was happening. Quiet and meek only gets you so far.....plus, it's hard to be heard by ap's and others who have their heads stuck up their bums.

I find it fascinating to read some of the answers of ap's here. Will you say these things to your child if they dare to tell you the truth? Or do you just hope they bottle their feelings up and NEVER tell you the truth? So sad. My heart breaks for the adoptlings of some of the ap's here.

Johnsmuffinpie

I don't think there is 'one' point of view for adoptees...mine certainly seems to differ from some others (but not all). Not all adoptees thing their adoption was a bad thing. I know mine was for the best. I think the biggest problem of adoptees is the rude and insulting way many go about expressing their opinions. There are often people who come here looking for real information and instead are chewed out made to feel like crap. Instead of rude comments, I think kindly educating people on personal experiences would get you a whole lot farther.

tony r

vote third party

TerraMere

The Adoption section of YA has become a place where being rude and insulting to those whom one disagrees with is the norm. It is one thing to be direct and not sugar-coat things it is quite another to ridicule and be disrespectful. Unfortunately I see this more and more. I think this is true for adoptees, first parents and adoptive parents.

*Starfire*

It doesn't rely on the adoptees as much as it does the aps or future aps. Most people asking about adoption on here already have the media's view in their mind set. To have someone... Anyone... crush that view makes them defensive. Some of the adoptees on here could be a little more understanding when writing some of their responses but I think it falls more on the questioner.

Crabapple27

You can write about it.

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