Why is the term *original parent* so offensive?

Nurse Answer Mama

From an outsiders POV, original sounds much better than first. I'm with you bio doesn't always fit the relationship. Natural sounds like the AP is UNnatural (sort of true, but sounds mean).
Maybe, folks would be happy with "nonadoptive". lol

Andraya

Because nobody is ever happy.

Most PAPs and APs want to be THE ONLY parents, so they like the term birth. They can't see that the first parents had more to do with their child than simply squeezing it out.

If it was a first parent or adoptee that found it offensive I would be very shocked.

Personally I like the term original, that is what my mom and dad were before I got my second parents...

Possum

Each person sees their adoption experience differently.

So each person is going to get their knickers occasionally in a twist over terminology.

Adoption is a very emotional topic - and emotional responses are usually what you'll get.

I guess for adoptees - they are too often told what to call people in their lives - they get antsy - and just bite back.
They want to finally be able to define their own relationship with the many people in or out of their lives.
Responses would also vary if they have no relationship with their first family - or if they have one. (and whether those relationships are good or bad ones - or everything in between)

I wouldn't worry.

ETA: for me - I like first mum - first family - as I have two sets - that's my reality - that's my views of my world.
In real life I don't call them that - and I don't call my a-mum a-mother - or second mother - I call her mum.
But that doesn't mean either is more important than the other - and many choose words to place more importance on one over the other.
It's all silly really when you think about it.

julie j

Hi BPD Wife,

Possum's right that everyone is different so they are going to feel differently. It can get silly sometimes when terms are changed around as you noted, natural parents' counterpart can be interpreted as unnatural parents. The opposite of birth parents would be what - death parents? Maybe original parents' counterpart could be seen as unoriginal parents.

It may not be possible to please everybody all the time. I think we should all try to respect the preferences of the group being referenced, or at least of the individual. Have you tried asking that question of the adoptee who emailed you? They could best tell you what offends them about it.

julie j
reunited adoptee

Zuko

original makes it sound like the nmom was completely replaced.

Birth mother makes it sound like she was just a vessel for your child... nothing more than a baby maker.

That's very offensive, when you think about it.

Okay terms? First mom, natural mom, that sort. If you use fmom or nmom, you'll be far less likely to get flamed for your terms. However, a lot of adoptive parents feel that natural mom is insulting to them too... and I don't entirely disagree.

I usually stick with First... first mom, because it implies that I have two moms. Which I do. I have the woman that gave birth to me and the woman that raised me. They're both my mom.

Cam

Gosh, at least you spelled it correctly:)

"Shakes"

I'm not sure. I agree with you.
I can't pretend to know what emotions people go through as an adoptee, adoptive parent, or biological parent.
I do know that people in North America are incredibly uptight and high strung and everything under the sun is offensive accept the things that should be.
Carry on until you find an intelligent and objective answer to this.

Goofy G

Political correctness has no rhyme or reason. Why is blind, crippled, deaf and retarded not PC? No matter what euphemism you use, it still means the same thing. Eventually the euphemism will be considered offensive.

First they used the euphemism disabled, but then they decided that too had a negative connotation, then they used the euphemism handicapped, but then they decided that too had a negative connotation, so they changed it to challenged, then they decided that too had a negative connotation, then they changed it to differently-abled.

Sing Sing prison gave the town of Sing Sing a bad name so they changed the name of the town to Ossining NY instead. They then changed the prison name to Ossining state prison. Now the town doesn't like the name Ossining anymore because it reminds people of the prison.

Now they don't like the term prison or penal institution so they call it a correctional institution.

There is no end to it. Why not call a spade a spade. Opps, am I allowed to say the word spade without getting reported to the NAACP?

It used to be polite to call black people n*e*g*r*o*s, then that was considered demeaning so they change it to Black, then they got tired of black and changed it to African-American. The strange part is that people call blacks, African-Americans, no matter where they live. I hear people refering to black people who live in Zimbobwe as African-Americans. Souldn't they be called African-Africans? LOL

~*tiN@*~

I am a birthmother. I do not have contact.... BUT I do find the term "original" parent sort of a slap in the face. It's like, I was the original but due to my lack of being able to be a good parent or WHATEVER, I had to be replaced.

Either way, I don't like any terms other than me considering myself A MOTHER.

MamaKate

Dear BPD Wife,

You've gotten some wonderful answers for this. I agree with everything Zuko, Possum, Julie and Heather said and I feel what Tina expressed.

There will always be someone who is offended by the terms used even when no offense is meant. Adoption is SO personal and emotional and different for everyone. (Although the term "birthmother" is generally the most offensive of the maternal titles.)

I personally prefer 'First Mother" on these forums and with strangers when a distinction is necessary; but with friends and family I sometimes use "OtherMother" and ocassionally "OhanaMama" when I'm talking to people who really understand what that means.

Sophie

I think all terms regarding adoption could possibly be offensive to one person or another for many different reasons. Stick with what's in your heart and stay firm. If you mix terms around your child, you could confuse them.

Heather Leigh

I used to use birth parents or Bio parents until it was explained how and why birth mother is offensive to so many. I started using original parents.

I found you can't make everyone happy. I am sticking with original parents because that is what I am comfortable with and I don't see how that one can offend anyone. To me they are his original parents...my husband and I are a substitute (so to speak) for them because they were unable to care for him. It does not diminish their role in his life. In my opinion, it is validating it.

When we are talking to our son about his original parents we just say "Mom" or "Dad". We don't have to separate them to him any other way. He has two mom's and two dad's. But only one set that is in his life right now.

momof3boys

Original parent implies that the biological parents were their first actual parents meaning that they had a part in raising them where as stating biological simply means that they are related by blood only.

Independ"ant"

How about just keeping it "real" and raising the "child" to be as comfortable and aware of the situation as much as possible. Adults need to put their desires on the sideline.

Women that gave birth are the "mothers".
Women that adopt are "parents" not the mother.

Can't everyone just get along and do whats best for the child and not what we feel is best. Love is love and should not be denied nor "labeled" because of the insecurities of adults.

Go ahead and give me the thumbs down Pap's and AP's. There is no difference between fostering and adopting another woman's child, except a stack of papers. Those papers don't bring anyone closer to giving birth, making them the mother nor show a child that you love them "more".

The focus should be on the childs needs and well being, not our own. They deserve it and need it.

kisseemeebuty

Most people use the term "Biological Parents". I can not understand why it would be offensive. Some people can't help from being critical about anything.

mrsdrkwaver

I am sure i will get flamed about this but we are going through the adoption process now and everyone on yahoo confuse me cause i am corrected for the terms birth mom and adoptive mom but thats what every piece of paper every book I have read and every article on the subject calls everyone. if thats the case why is it only here on yahoo does everyone make an issue as to what to call them. I feel that origional jus tsounds strange to me but birthmom and adoptive mom are perfically acceptable forms of identifying people when you are writing or talking to someone. its not ment to offend but people need to know know who you are talking about.

Punk Bunny

"original parent" is "offensive" but i as a birth mom, prefer birth parent instead of original..

Tam N

Because it implies that there may have been a case of abandonment of child or that they were bad people for putting the child up for adoption. I think "biological parent" is the best term though.

Well at least you didn't call them "the baby daddy".

Debbie Downer

Well maybe people feel like you think you're better than the other parents. Like, you're the first parent, and they're just copying you and are fake.

I don't find it that offensive, but I can see how it would be taken that way.

djthrenody189

So many instances of use of the word 'original' also imply a right associated. When you speak about an original parent it seems to gloss the entire subject. While they can be seen as original parents, that connection has been severed and they cannot call themselves parents of the child they released. The term 'original in this context would cause me to think the adopting parents are temporary or 'current', which also causes me to feel that those parents are little better than a foster home. While it sounds incredibly textbook, I can only use the term biological donor.

Owen W

BPD mother-- Sorry if I came off as rude. I got to your question by way of the main page, so I didn't see the category. I checked back and am answering now because I have a very different perspective on this than most of the people who have responded so far.

Let me say first that adoption is common in my extended family. I have an adopted sister and several adopted cousins. So I know (at least somewhat) of whence I speak:

My answer is use whatever term you damn well feel like. Some people have said that 'original parent' might be offensive because it implies that somehow these parents weren't up to snuff and had to be replaced. Of course it insinuates that BECAUSE THAT IS THE SITUATION. People don't adopt out their kids because they think they'll be great parents, they do it as a selfless and courageous decision for the benefit of the child, based on the fact that they are too poor/young/insane to parent properly. If the original parents in this case want to be held in esteem as parents, why did they give their kid up in the first place?

It sounds to me like you've done an open adoption. None of the children in mt family were adopted this way (and thank God, it sounds like)_so I can't speak to it, but I know this: If my sister's original parents wanted to meet her, she and my family would probably let that happen. If they started causing her REAL family (my family) the slightest problem, they would be told to take a hike off the nearest cliff. Perhaps you should tell these problem/original parents to do likewise.

Because "original" has a connotation of giving away or loosing.....which is really what they did. Not that I'm saying there is anything wrong with adoption....but it could be a legal issue... I ALSO DON'T AGREE WITH THE ANSWER ABOVE. MAYBE YOU SHOULD "CARRY ON" AND GET A DICTIONARY. ACCEPT THAT! NO EXCEPTIONS!

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