Why is this acceptable? ?

magic pointe shoes

It's not. Also, I disagree with many of the answers to this question about that BM compares to the same simplification of AP or PAP. The amount of minimizing, dehumanizing, and outright ugly things said about expectant mothers considering adoption and mothers who have relinquished is down right insulting. It is a very rare adoptive parent or potential adoptive parent blog discussing the expectant mom or biological mother in a kind way.

So take into consideration that volume of ugly things said, the dismissal of expectant mothers as being mothers by calling them prematurely "birthmother" and then even more dismissingly narrow that down to BM which most people know is a bowel movement.

It's disrespectful and not appreciated.

Kim

It's not okay... but I seriously doubt the poster meant to offend.

That's the problem with using abbreviations in posts (although I do it sometimes too.) They're just too vague and can be misconstrued for things you didn't intend them to mean. I've read the abbreviation BF in posts. Sometimes it's meant to mean "boyfriend," sometimes "best friend," sometimes "breast feeding" and other times "birth father." It's just so confusing.

I know that you (and many others) consider "birth mother" and "birth father" unacceptable terms, and I understand why you feel that way. (And I do not use them when speaking about my children's first parents anymore). But perhaps the offending poster didn't know... and I seriously doubt anyone intended to call anyone a bowel movement.

Rowan

more then likely, she didnt
1)mean it that way
2)realize it would be seen that way.
I'm willing to bet bowel movements was anywhere near her thoughts.

She probably simply meant it as a abbreviation to birthmother.

Mary G

I don't know the answer honestly. That is the first thing that comes to my mind as well.

But, as Magic Pointe Shoes pointed out, so much has been done to dehumanize and demean mothers it doesn't really surprise me.

grapesgum

It is not okay to first families, but it seems to to be acceptable to adoptive families. In fact, it hits a nerve for me. I recently saw a forum where an adoptive parent who was lamenting the loss of a baby because her natural parents reclaimed "their" baby. This adoptive mother was rightfully grieving. BUT in her grieving, she expressed that she would not wish her pain on her "worst enemy". Yet in the same post she prayed that she would be blessed with a child ripped from another "birth" parent's heart.

Why is this acceptable? Does this woman see a relinquishing mother is sub-human being, a "birth" thing who does not feel the same agony as she does?

I agree, Sly, APs often seem to see themselves to be superior to the "BMs" who they would love to flush down the to loo once they harvest the fruits of their womb. The use of "BM" is a huge red flag to stay far, far away from their poison.

Angela R

I've seen this abbreviation occasionally used on other adoption forums too, and it always seems to be someone who is new to adoption forums, sees all the other abbreviations, and doesn't even think about BM standing for bowel movement. I don't think anyone was trying to imply something mean though. If they continued to use the term after it being brought to their attension though, then that's a different story.

I completely understand why BM would bother people, especially first-mothers, however, I've never been fond the term PAP either. It always reminds me of "pap smear". However, I don't think anyone is trying to compare potential adoptive parents to a trip to the gynecologist. (at least I hope not- lol).

monkeykitty83

It's really not acceptable, but I doubt it was meant to be malicious. I think it's done in ignorance, and people should be gently corrected for their mistake, not raked over the coals. (Not saying you're doing any raking yourself, I just mean in general, not in direct response to this question.)

Also, the BM standing for bowel movement thing may be either generational or regional... I had actually never heard that used, before seeing it brought up in relation to adoption. (ETA: I'm noticing that both people in this thread who live in Canada have never heard it, so that's making me lean toward it being regional.) Some people may not have that association at all.

I'm not saying to ignore it. It's better for people to be corrected when they say something offensive. I just don't think you should assume it's deliberate, because it's probably being done by mistake. People should be made aware of what they're saying, and that it's offensive and hurtful.

Andraya

Feels suiting that they call us a BM since they tend to treat us like sh*t.

Laurel J

It is not OK.

Those of you who think it's unintentional have not seen some of the uses of this term I've seen on the internet. Example, from an AP: "Nothing smells worse than a BM meltdown."

Nice, huh?

Indian-vision

It should never be acceptable BUT i can tell you from personal experience many do not know BM is considered = bowel movement .

I joined a forum and wrote my first post using BM. I got a polite mail from one user who told me that BM= bowel movement and not suitable on such forums. I NEVER made that mistake again.

All AP and PAP's need is information politely and respectfully. Very few PAP's and AP's come to such forums to show disrespect and insult birth mom's.

car05161967

I agree with you!!

Serenity71

The person might not have known. There are people who post from different countries and whats offensive in one country could me something completely different in another. Even to different generations words and initials can have different meanings.

I didn't know shortening "BM" would be interpreted as that. So its a good chance whoever used it might not have known it could be interpreted as that either.

If it offend you or any other Natural mother I'll make sure never to be tempted while typing things up in a hurry to abbreviate to much.

Gaia Raain

Whoever said it most likely (hopefully) isn't aware that BM means bowel movement, and has probably (again, hopefully) never been introduced to honest adoption language. Most folks still use RAL, not realizing that it's tremendously hurtful and dishonest.

ETA: I also disagree that using PAP and AP are in any way comparable to using BM. There is no history of intentional dehumanization behind the use of PAP or AP. And as far as BM being regional...I'm not sure, but I hadn't heard the term until I started working in the medical profession. I could see someone not even knowing that term, much less equating the two. And really, unless someone has been introduced to HAL, they're not going to know any better. I didn't. I was calling people birthmothers just a year ago. I had never heard any alternatives until I came here.

ETA: I understand that it can be intentional sometimes. But I also know that the vast majority of the time, it is NOT intentional.

Mary

I think she used BM as Biological Mother or Birth Mom, not as in a bowel movement. And there are a bunch of abbreviations used as different things, such as BF for best friend or boyfriend.

Just a Mom

It isn't acceptable. You are right. My children would laugh to death if I called Teresa their BM. Then they would tell me that it wasn't very nice.

LOL, Andraya.

sizesmith

I don't think it was maliciously done. Just as some people call adoptive parents "AP"s and this person just didn't think. It's unfortunate, but I doubt that someone put it to be mean, after all, there wouldn't be adoptions if it weren't for the first parents, whether voluntarily, or involuntarily (foster care).

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

I'll just echo what others have said. IT's not "okay" or "acceptable" but neither was it very likely intentionally done.

I don't think the abbreviation was EVER used in adoption world to intentionally liken a woman to a bowel movement. It's just a natural "abbreviation" on forums where people are tryi8ng to type fast, etc,etc. And many people who have never had any exposure to the medical world are unaware of this abbreviation for feces. (The term "Bowel Movement," let alone the abbreviation, was new to me when I was introduced to the medical world.

This poster needs a POLITE email such as supercal got, telling her that "this is considered a very bad abbreviation to use because (if the poster didn't already know) BM stands for bowel movement, so in adoption world, we try to avoid using that abbreviation."

But, from my experience, that's unlikely to happen on this forum. I'm sure the poster in question unleashed the full strength of ya'lls wrath. Y'all would rather drink your kool-aid and believe that all APs are just evil first-mom haters who look for any excuse to put other women down and "flush them down the toilet" after we've stolen their babies.

"Shrug" What's a "PAP" to do??

Incidentally, I had to go for my first one (pap) right about the same time I'd acclimated all the abbreviations on this forum. LOL.. talk about making me cringe.

BPD Wife

It isn't, but I can also see (as others have said here) where someone may not have known that the abbreviation had a different meaning. Or sometimes when you are in a hurry to write something, in the age of text messaging, etc., people use abbreviations without even thinking about another meaning. I recently found that out at work when someone wrote "DNA" on a form for me and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what genes or "DNA" had to do with posting monies to an account. Here, the Accounting Dept used that term for "Did Not Apply" or "Do Not Apply" with regards to applying funds to an account.

The truth is that when I came to this category, I had never heard the terms AP or PAP. As funny as it sounds, and I think someone else mentioned this earlier, I could not understand what "pap smears" had to do with adoption and needed to have someone explain to me what the abbreviations stood for. I felt really dumb once I knew what it stood for, but the truth is that until then, I just hadn't been involved enough in the "adoption terms" other than through my own adoption experience with my son. We don't use the terms adoptive or biological in our home. The only time we use the descriptive info is here on Y!A or when we are talking to a doctor to explain medical conditions.

Amanda

I think she meant birth mother (although I think you know that).

I'm sure she didn't mean it to offend anyone, because that's common adoption language, and those who haven't researched adoption wouldn't know otherwise.

Sophie

I hated being referred to a pap (PAP) smear or an ape (AP).

Randy B

It took me a while to figure out what you were getting at. I guess it's not a term, BM meaning what you alternately thought, that I would use.

Something like that can be made of many of the short forms that get used around here. The first thing I thought of when I read PAP was a medical test my wife goes for every now and then. Where I work, an AP is an "attached posting" that the military sends you on short term where they don't send your family with you.

I try to look more at what people mean vice how they put it. If the person was speaking about adoptions then I would know what BM meant. If they were comparing someone to something in a derogatory manor then I'd probably think the other option.

Carnie C

BM - BirthMom

how much different is that from AP/PAP?

crazychickizback

ok this one is entirely too obvious. BM=birth mother, which means she was correct in her terminology

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