Why parents don't tell their adopted children that they are not the real parents to them...?

julie j

Hi Ruska,

Actually, most adoptive parents these days DO tell their adopted children. For many reasons.

1) Time & experience has proven that it is in the child's best interest to be honest with him/her.

2) It is the child's right to know who they are & where they came from.

3) It is not as easy to lie about such things anymore with more international adoptions happening & increases in older child adoptions. It will be physically obvious or the child will have memories of his natural family.

4) They are advised to do so by adoption professionals.

If you are wondering why parents used to not reveal such information to their adopted children, possible reasons include:

1) They thought it would make everyone in the family feel more like a biological family.

2) They thought it would be kinder for the adoptee.

3) The adoptive parents had not fully resolved their own feelings relating to inability to conceive/and or deliver biological children.

4) The adoption could involve some illegal aspects.

5) They may have been advised not to by adoption professionals.

6) They were waiting for the "right time" to tell the child, & it never came.

There are probaby more reasons as well why adoptive status would not be revealed to the child. That list gives a general idea of reasons. Although there is still a bit of that going on today, it has improved over time to the point where most adoptees know. (As they should know.) Hope that helps answer your question.

julie j
reunited adoptee

Laurel J

They do if they have any sense or compassion. (Yes, all four parents are real parents, but I think the poster is talking about adoptive parents who choose not to reveal to the child that he or she is adopted.) This is cruel. The kid will find out, feel betrayed and have trust issues he or she need never have had.

I can't imagine doing this for any reasons other than selfish ones, like failure to deal with one's infertility before adopting.

janine k

i think that the main reason that some parents of adopted children don't tell their children that they are adopted is that they are scared that the children they have loved from the first minute of holding them will turn away from them and feel unloved but this would be one of probably many reasons and is only my opinion

punxy_girl

In the "olden days", adoptive parents were advised by social workers and other professionals like doctors and psychologists to not tell their children they were adopted. It was believed at this time this would help the children, parents, and community adjust better to the adoption. It was referred to as behaving in an "as if begotten" manner.

Nowadays, this is NOT the case. Social workers and other professionals advise adoptive parents to tell the child at an early age. Many suggest you begin talking about it at age 3 or 4 so all involved are comfortable with the subject. This does not mean blasting the kid with adoption references on a daily basis.

Heather B

There is no excuse for not telling a child they are adopted. None.

Secrets in families are toxic and I hope this scenario is rare these days. The secret will eventually be found out and that can be devastating for everyone involved.

Yes, adoptive parents are very real. Birthparents do not suddenly become 'unreal' with the flick of a pen; birthparents are always real too.

Sophie

I have no idea why some aParents don't tell their children that they're adopted. That is setting the child up for unhealthy emotional situations. Children need to know the truth... age-appropriate truth that is.

kicking4jc

My friend as adopted at 6 weeks, and when he was old enough to understand they told him. He was close to 5. He has no idea today, though 30, who his real parents are, and has no intentions of finding out. He loves the family who raised him.

elaeblue

Because they are the childs "real" parents. They may not be the birth mother or father but they are the parents!

HappyMomAnna

Of all the adopted people I have ever known only one was not told and that was back in the 50's. I have no clue why anyone would not tell their child they were adopted.

As for being real--well the last time I checked I was real, with real hair, real feelings, real love and so It would never occur to me to tell my child I am not real--I think that would just confuse a kid....

alastriana

my mother says:
you don't love a kid cause you give birth,you love it cause you raise it

ce_ben1

Caz they wanna cause heartbreak later in life. Or tink they will never find out

2shy

Parents don't tell their adopted children that they are not their real parents because they probably feel that it would upset them. Just think about it. Would you want to know that the people who took care of you, supported you, and was always there for are not your real parents? Would you want to learn that you were given up by your birth mother?

Honey

Because they are afraid of the children reaction.

they are there parents. They are the ones raising them, caring for them, walking the floor with them. They just did not give birth to them. They should tell them they have birth parents.

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