Why the need for secrecy in adoption??

julie j

Hi Possum,

Thanks for the link. There is no need for secrecy in adoption. There never was. While there is nothing wrong with loving & raising a child who was not born to you, there IS something wrong with taking away some of his/her heritage, dignity, & rights in exchange for that. Adoption is meant to serve the needs of the adoptee. Hiding adoption records from an adult adoptee does NOT serve his/her best interests.

Originally, the lies & secrecy were meant to serve the adopting parents who were provided with a child "as if" born to them. It also served to keep the agencies in business & their (sometimes shady) doings hidden.

Lies and secrecy have ways of breeding mistrust into adoptive families, including:

* It implies there is something shameful that must be hidden.

* It implies that the adoptee is forever a child, unable to handle the truth, and/or incapable of having a relationship with another adult, or of making related decisions on their own behalf.

* Lies and secrecy tell an adoptee you are not as good as everyone else. It says you do not deserve the same rights everyone else takes for granted.

* Lies and secrecy perpetuate the notion that the adoptee's needs are not important & they should just be grateful for a home by not questioning the wisdom of adoption law & the social worker.

* It suggests that the parent/child adoptive relationship is not strong enough to survive unless it is the only relationship to the adoptee ever.

All of those suggestions are patronizing and insulting. Now that adult adoptees have grown up after having lived through these experiences, they are expressing what they really think. What they think is that lies and secrecy are not needed and are detrimental to them. Other people who care are listening to them and helping to rectify previous wrongs of the American adoption system. Future adoptees will benefit by having a better adoption experience. Thanks for asking.

julie j
reunited adoptee

Warrior Mom

Well, Possum, another member showed us some research earlier to support exactly that. She showed that ALL 3 Members of the Triad were overwhelmingly supportive of making adoption records available to adoptees. I can't imagine where the problem lies, other than to blame it on the politics involved. I do believe that when children are taken from parents through the court system because of neglect/abuse, that their whereabouts should be kept a secret to the first parents.. When my oldest daughter was still in foster care, I lived in dreaded fear that her first mom would abduct her. She didn't really know our address, but she knew a general vicinity. It was a delicate situation. I wasn't about to tell my 2 -4 year-old foster child that she should be afraid of her mother, and that she should never go anywhere with her. I did tell her that she should never go with anyone, even if she knew them, unless she had our permission. I worried a lot, though, and kept a very close watch on her. Keep in mind, that there was abuse/neglect involved.

After the adoption we continued to have written contact with her mother through the agency (to protect our address). We would have also allowed phone calls, but none were ever made.

Now, that being said: That is where the so-callled "protection" starts and stops". As far as sealed records, who is that protecing? The research has shown that all of the members of the triad are supportive of adopteeds finding out their heritage, their "birth right", you might say. The research also shows that, not only have they been able to prove that it is NOT harmful to any memeber of the triad, it is actually healthier for the adoptee, and certainly no harm is done to the other two parts of the triad.

It's very frustrating for me, and I'm not an adoptee. However, I am the mother of an adoptee, and her happiness is tied to my hapiness. If a child needs to have the missing peices of the purzzle of their life in order to be complete, then what is taking us so long to make that possible!!!!!!!!!!

To answer your question, There is no need for secrecy in adoption (other than prtoecting young children from potentially harmful first parents). And, Yes, it IS better for an adoptee's well-being to wipe out the secrecies and lies FOREVER!!! We know that just by listening to adoptees on YA. But the psychological community is actually coming up with the concrete data to support what we already knew was true. Some people need to be listening better.

Romany

It is unfortunate that the laws on the books in the US still promote secrecy - even in stepparent adoptions. There certainly was testimony in the 1930s/40s that adoptees SHOULD know their origins and the names of their first parents and have regular contact with any siblings that were adopted by other families. But the records were sealed, adoptees were told to forget about their first parents and any siblings they knew of.

Was it all Georgia Tann's influence on the rich and powerful adoptive parents who were her clients? It was a period (similar to today) when celebrities made a big deal of adopting "orphans". Many adoptive parents from that era were told to keep the adoption a secret - even from the adoptee! It wasn't until Korean adoptions became popular that the white US adoptive parents realized that wouldn't work in their case.

Personally - I think there are still too many adoptive parents who want complete possession of their children, down to erasing/sealing any information about the child's original family. I still hear comments from adoptive parents:
- "We want to adopt internationally. That way the birth parents are less likely to interfere." - or - "The birth parents can't change their minds."
- "We are her forever family. She doesn't need to know she's adopted."
- "We want to adopt an infant, the younger the better. An older child already has issues."
- "Why do you want information on 'that woman'? Don't you love us?"
- "God put you in the wrong tummy."

IDK!!

I just don't understand why somene would lie to their kids, especially about something SO HUGE. Secrets hurt.

I'd imagine it's like walking around with the lights off.

Torrejon

Despite extensive reading and serious study, the ONLY reason for secrecy in adoption that I have ever found that seemed even remotely positive was the very, VERY old fashioned habit of attempting to hide the fact that a child was illegitimate...which a LONG time ago, lead to serious discrimination against the child.

Since times and public opinion have changed dramatically since then, I cannot find any evidence that secrecy benefits anyone. In fact, I have found overwhelming evidence in the literature and in my own experience to prove that open records are beneficial to everyone.

annie m

because adoption is based on lies all adoption is is lies

Mimi

I have three cousins that are adopted. Two cousins were open adoption and it has been very positive. One was closed adoption with the choice of the adoption being open after age 18. My cousin never opened her adoption after she turned 18 an she has struggled some what. Despite what way my cousins were adopted I love each and everyone of them very much.

Randy B

I don't think it's secrecy so much as a right to privacy. Personally, if I put a child up for adoption, I wouldn't care if he/she contacted me in the future. On the other hand though, if someone says that they are putting a child up for adoption and on't want any contact then I would expect that there be no contact.

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