Why would a parent (especially an Ap) force/coerce their daughter to place her child up for adoption?

Flying Monkey #073177

I've experienced this mentality first hand. I have no clue why my father thought trying to force me into adoption was in anyone's best interest. He continued to push adoption after my son was born, long after. What gets me is that my adad is also a ndad, he was over the moon when his own lost daughter found him. How can someone know the pain of losing a child then try to force that same pain on someone they claim to love, and YES my adad felt pain over his daughter's adoption, he has made that very clear to me.

I think it is mostly the stigma of having a teenage wh*re in the family. My parents did everything in their power to avoid having to admit that I had a child at 17. I was left out of family gatherings, not invited to social function with them and never offered one bit of support of any kind. All I can come up with is that I had shamed the family and had to lay in the bed I made because those were the only reasons I was ever given.

Heather B

I reckon it's because they think they know best and they feel no bond or obligation to a baby that is not of their blood

JMHO

Jackie B

Maybe for some of the same reasons during the BSE, religious reasons, the social stigma which still exists to some degree, their culture, they feel she's too young, want her to finish her education, think it will ruin her life, they're poor. Maybe they think the daughter will not accept the responsibility and don't want to raise the baby. Who knows? The reasons now aren't any more right than they were then.

ETA: Emily, I'm not sure how differently Medicaid and WIC works these days, but my best friend was 15 when she got pregnant and they did not figure her parents' income into it at all and she was able to get Medicaid and WIC. So those two might still be available to your daughter.

Erin L

Dunno, this adoptive parent and lots of others I know wouldn't ever coerse/force their child to place their baby for adoption. I don't know what's going on in the heads of those who would.

sunny

Because in much of America* believes that unmarried women who keep their children are trash.

It's that simple.

*outside of Hollywood

Mei-Ling

Maybe because she feels it's the best thing to do? I don't know.

Is there a link or resource you have that supports such a claim? I'd like to see it.

MamaKate

As someone who tries to give people the benefit of the doubt, I would prefer to think that it is due to the general ignorance of the effects of adoption on the mother and child. I cannot imagine ANY parent who loves their child not wanting to prevent them from possibly permanent emotional damage. I also think that many people are unaware of biology (how bodies work and WHEN people are made to "breed") as well as a lack of awareness as to the support available for parents in need.

If the reason a parent would force a child to surrender a grandchild for adoption is anything but ignorance, I would not be able to help questioning whether or not that parent truly cares about their child.
JMHO.

ETA: This reminded me of when I was considering allowing my son to be adopted by my infertile friends, one of my very good friends (one of my ex-boyfriends) parents felt that they should take me out to dinner to tell me how wonderful I was for allowing another family the opportunity to parent. (My ex is adopted.) I think this might have to do with the inability to see adoption from the other POVs. (BTW, my ex has several issues relating to his adoption that his parents refuse to fully recognize. He was pissed they were so "supportive" of my idea. He lives 3,000 miles away from them now and is still resentful of the lack of support for HIS issues. He still visits and talks with them but he says they were not great parents. We have remained good friends and he is considering searching.)

Cambria

I don't know either. When I was a teenager, my parents sat me down one day and told me that if I ever got pregnant I would either put the child up for adoption or I would not be welcome to continue living in their house. Let me tell you, that was an awesome gift to a kid already struggling with abandonment issues!

Sarah

I don't think it's right to force someone to give up their child.

However, I can understand how some parents will refuse to help out if their own child was having a child. It's probably because they want them to realise the responsibility and commitment it takes to raise another human being.

I don't think someone should disown their child/kick their child out for such a reason. However, I feel that they do have a right to make their own child acknowledge that it is their responsibility, and their responsibility alone.

I guess it's 'tough love' ?

Just a Mom

I think it is horrible! We would never, ever want our children to give up their children due to teen pregnancy or really anything. It makes me mad.

Serenity71

In fostering the foster parent is responsible for child until 18yrs old. (Though there are some foster parents who become so close to the kids they foster for most of their lives, they don't care about the money, they support in the same way as adoptive parents support their kids. Adoption is meant to be one step further from fostering long term. (Forever family, the phase some people don't like here.) Foster families get assistance through monthly payments and adoptive families only recieve what everyone else does in the way of family assistance.

As for parents not standing by their kids- who said all women (couples) who have children the traditional way automatically love their kids unconditionally. Some might think they do but then when its tested like teenage pregnancy the truth comes out.
Thats why I'm not worried about what people think in that way and in a few other things too. My kids are MY kids regardless of how they came to me. And if they need my support you bet I'm there. Even if they make mistakes and make me worry and stay up all night if they aren't home when I told them to be home etc. (I've had conditional love in my life and its to much pressure and to painful, why would you want to put it on your own family is beyond me.) Just because we might not meet eye to eye on everything doesn't mean I'll abandon my grandkids if my daughter decided to keep a baby.
Even if she chose adoption for her child....it would hurt me but we'd talk about it, (hopefully) but I'll be there for her cause its not all about what I want. (But I'm not others and I can't control how they would think in those situations.)

Jennifer L

No idea, unless there was some seriously compelling reason that would make the parents unfit and the rest of the family unable to support them.

Philippa

If you're referring to what I think you are then I believe that person is being selfish and only thinking about herself. My response will always be that it's the daughter's choice what she does not the mother's regardless of whether it's a mother, adoptive mother or foster carer.

I rarely read/hear of mothers who support their 13 yr old daughters who are pregnant and it's the ones who are selfish that I read about.

Wundt

I generally agree with your point of view, that parents should not force their children to give up the child if they become pregnant. My wife and I have spoken about this and agree that if our daughter were to get pregnant, we would support her in every way possible.

But, at the same time, I cannot, and will not, judge other people's decisions unless I know the people and the specifics of the situation. I have known several 'young mothers' who, frankly, should not parent, because of neglect, abuse, drugs, poverty, etc. It may be that the 'grandparent' in this case feels, based on her knowledge of her daughter, that the best hope for the child's future is to be adopted.

Emily

Since I am almost positive this is in regards to my question I will respond. You do not know my daughter. To begin with she is 13 and there is absolutely no where in my small town for her to get a job until she is at least 16. Also, she has lived an incredibly sheltered life. Whenever anything goes wrong she knows that mommy and daddy will be there to clean up her mess. I love my daughter with all of my heart but she is a bit of a flake. She tires quickly of everything. Piano lessons-four weeks, ballet-three weeks, softball-three weeks. Or how about the kitten we had to return to the shelter because she no longer felt like caring for it. Surely I know that a child is different but even if she wanted to care for it she can't. She is still in middle school, and she can't get a job. She can't government assistance (not that I would even want her to) because my husband and I make too much money. But mind you that is still not enough to buy pampers and pay outrageous day care bills. And even if we could what kind of lesson would that teach her? A mother must take responsibility for their child but she can't! And something else you don't know, my father-in-law is ill. We spend a great deal of money on medical bills, insurance doesn't cover it all. We also spend most of our free time with him either when he is at the hospital or savoring what little time we may have together. And even if we did assume resposibility for this child what would happen when his mother was more stable? Do we just raise a child for 5-9 years as our own and then just hand it over because his mother is now ready for him? Is that fair to the child? What about my daughter's life. If she keeps this baby then her childhood is over. Is that healthy? Perhaps judging me makes you feel better about all of your shortcomings but you do not understand the situation I am in and I hope you never have to.

eta:gypsywinter-your daughter was 19. Many women get married and start families at that age. My daughter is 13. In those six years there is a huge difference. My daughter has not so much as gone in the grocery store by herself. She is not old enough to work or to drive. She is not capable of raising a child.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

I dunno.. I certainly never would.. I'd help my daughter finish growing up (which she'd have to do quickly), along side her baby, under my roof, with just as much support as she needs to finish her education while taking as much responsibility for herself and her child as she can, until the day she can take care of the both of them by herself.

But what about all the parents and boyfriends who coerce the girl into killing her child, subjecting her to a lifetime of gnawing regret and guilt?? Doesn't sound too different, huh?

yet here it's considered completely acceptable to say "have you thought about abortion?" When someone comes asking what to do about their unplanned pregnancy..

allchildrenareangels

It is obvious that you are writing this because, of a previous post. Her mom is just trying to do the best thing for her. A child at 13 is not ready or capable of being a mom. Being raised by someone who is not ready to parent has an affect on a baby too. I had my son at 20 I was a lot older then her daughter and the fact that I had to get an education and work and all had affects on my son. He didn't have enough time to bond with me because, my mom was always baby sitting so I could make a better life for us. When we moved out from my parents my son took it really hard. He is okay now but, he is also 14 now. Don't you think that maybe she is also thinking about her grandchild. She might want her grandchild in a loving and stable home they can always do an open adoption. Her daughter still has to finish middle and high school and needs college so that she could support them. The baby is coming now it is not like she can just put the babies life on hold it will be here in 9 months.

Michelle

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