Why would someone who is going to adopt a baby which has been apprehended by social services be called selfish

Still Me

Some people cannot see past their own noses. They are ego centric, and believe that if people do not think like they do, they are worthless. Some folks on this board have a very narrow minded attitude towards adoption, and cannot even think about allowing that some adoption is good, healthy and has a good outcome. Because for them to take that in, means they have to deal with their own reality -- that probably adoption was best for them, too. And some find it too hard to imagine that. They want to hold onto the fantasy that if their bio family had raised them, they wouldn't have any of the problems they have now. I say, in most cases, they would likely just have different problems.

sunny

Yes, I said it was selfish. And itâ€™s true, I'm not a fan of adoptive mother's breastfeeding adopted children.

However, the reason I was so adamant in my answer is because this is a neglected, malnourished child. I don't believe your SIL can possibly provide enough milk, or milk with the right amount of fat in it to stimulate proper brain development. This is akin to an 'experiment' on your SIL's part, and she'd be conducting it on a child who can't afford NOT to have every bit of nutrition he can get. I have had 3 children in the last five years. They were all born very healthy. It's hard to convey just how hungry newborns are--my DH called it 'frantic'. Any newborn cannot afford NOT to get the proper nutrition in the first 12 mos., let alone an "underweight and sickly" baby.

If your SIL really wants to give this child breast milk, I would suggest that she get some from a milk bank, as other answerers have suggested. It doesn't sound like your SIL has done much reading about infant nutrion, or spoken with a pediatrician about managing the health of this child. That's why I called the desire to breastfeed a child (that she did not give birth to, and she is not already fully lactating), selfish. I think she is either woefully ignorant about infant nutrition, or wants to â€˜bondâ€™ with this child to suit her own needs.

Yes, it is good of your SIL to adopt this child so obviously in need, I hope she doesn't guilt trip him for the rest of his life about saving him either. She wanted a newborn, and she got one, so in essence, he is saving HER.

Mary G

I don't think adopting this kind of child is selfish at all. I will say that I think trying to breastfeed this child is not something I would try to do. Aside from the "ick' factor, I don't think that inducing lactation using hormones is good for mom or baby. No one is sure exactly what they may do to the infant. Also I personally find aparent breastfeeing disgustin (This is Me and I want to stress that, it is my own Opinion!) Also I would like to point out that a mothers breastmilk is tailored for her child, the chemical makeup of the milk changes with the needs of the child. This is not something that would happen with an adoptive mother. (yes I know that wet nurses were used for many years, back in the day when there were no formulas and it was a necessitiy, but today there are very good formulas available so a wet nurse is not needed) Thank you for providing more information about your sister in law and the baby, I will say I think that taking on a child who is HIV postive is not something (At least I think so) most people would do. I wish the entire family good luck and I pray that the child will be healthy and stay healthy. With all the new treatments available it is very likely this little one will live a very long and healthy life.

Also thank you for rephrasing your previous question and editing it for content. That is much appreciated!

LaurieDB

Well, the previous question was solely about the breastfeeding issue. People who said you SIL was being selfish weren't saying she's selfish for adopting the child. They felt she may be selfish for wanting to be the only source of milk, as it appeared by the question that possibly she would be.

If you take some time and read, you won't find anyone here who finds a person selfish for adopting children whose parents' parental rights have been terminated. Everyone here is in favor of adopting out of foster care.

It was the breast feeding issue that was concerning to some, not the adoption. It appears that 1 or 2 or the responders here had the same misunderstanding.

Shell C

Your sister is incredibly un-selfish.
Good luck to her with the breastfeeding!

Bizzi

No it's not selfish. (Yeah I said that) Wanting to help is great.
But see if people thought solely about the children the mom would not have got to child number 6. But... sadly the adoption and foster care and law business don't see it like that they see it like that is 6 X $20 000 +bonuses and federal foster care funds until they are sold.
Wanting to help a child is not selfish.
The system is broken is so many ways... that is just one of them.
I am glad that baby has a place to go.

Ghost Writer Rides Again

For once, I am sort of agreeing with you. I am dumbfounded that the child's natural mother was even allowed to have more children. Bizzi is right about how broken the system is. Human rights violation or not, a woman who keeps popping them out sick and addicted needs to be forcefully sterilized.

Aside from the fact that I find the breastfeeding thing sort of icky, my only real concern would be the hormones used to induce the lactation. And if the baby is truly very sick, he may need more than the breastmilk. She needs to speak with a doctor who has handled HIV positive/addicted newborns. What she is doing is a wonderful thing for a child who truly needs a home. I am sad that this baby may never get to know his siblings, but at least he has a fighting chance at life, something he obviously would not have gotten if he stayed with his natural mother.

if the child has already been feeding from formula, then she may just want to stick with the formula. i was told that changes like that (switching between breast and formula) could sometimes cause a shock to the baby's system and possibly make them sicker (I might be wrong, so just have your SIL look into it!)

jilliwill

I dont see her as being selfish I see her as wanting to care for an infant she plans to make a home for. She isn't turning the child down for his faults but loving it for the amaazing fact its life. Sorry people are saying stuff like that!

dancesportdiva

Adopting a baby that is HIV positive is a very unselfish thing to do! I guess that the people who called her selfish don't understand the health benefits of breastmilk and assumed that your sister in law just wants to do it for her own benefit. I'm sure that for an HIV positive baby, the antibodies in breastmilk would be great for their overall health and immune system.

Samone

When I read your question, I see your SIL as being a very caring, loving person that wants to do whats best for this baby.

I hope that she is looking at breastfeeding as an option, and not the only way. Without the introduction of hormones, it will just not be physically possible to breastfeed alone. When you introduce hormones to bring on breastfeeding un natuarally, it's not in the best interests of the mom, and definitly not in the baby ~ especially a sickly one.

There are other options though, as I explained there are apparatuses to piggy back, there are breast milk banks where she could purchase breast milk for the baby, and there's formula.

Formula's, are widely availible, and have come along way in the past few years, they've become closer and closer to breast milk...

It's really best to consult the child's pediatrician as for what's best for this child. Being HIV positive, she's probably already on medications, it's really really best to consult the ped.

Sophie

Many adoptive mothers breast feed their children. It's NOT selfish at all... in fact, it can hurt, be messy, etc., for the mother. Don't listen those who call her names- they are NOT fully educated about the issue. Look up wet nurses. Breastfeeding children other than biological children has been done forever.

<Raised on Promises>

If you already asked this question but did not get the answers you were looking for, why are you asking it again, except to try to flame another fight?

If your sister breastfeeds a child that is not hers and HIV positive, she may be making that infant sick with anything she may have in her system that the infant is too sick to fight off because of the HIV.

--EDIT--
Well, since you have the answers already, good luck to you, your SIL and your pediatrician!!!!!

LaraSue

I don't see how wanting to give your child the best start possible is selfish.
I know of 2 women , one who fostered a baby who was born to an addicted mother, and one who adopted a baby. Both breastfed(with supplemental feeders, the adopted mother was able to establish a milk supply, but not enough to exclusively breastfeed)
For the baby who was suffering through withdrawals, all the skin to skin contact and being able to hear the moms heartbeat was very calming.
Your sister in law is not being selfish and is putting this child's needs first. If people see something wrong with it, they are the ones who have a problem.
I was a LLL leader for a few years, and have "wet-nursed" a few babies for sick moms and to help the mom's learn to attach properly.
Nursing other peoples children is very common in other cultures. It's "westerners" who have weird hang-ups about breastfeeding in general.

schneidmanbabe 09

I think what your sister in law did is wonderful but does she realize how u are describing the baby as being sickly that isnt a healthy attitude in my opinon, the baby isnt responsible how it was born and are u sure u are ok with having a hiv positive baby in your family... No i dont think they are selfish by no means but i think u are prejuidice by describing this infant as sickly and hiv positive...

meghananne23

Your sister in law is definitely NOT selfish - in fact- her wanting to breastfeed shows that she is as very LOVING, NURTURING, and WONDERFUL MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think you've asked a wonderful question - actually, after I read your first post, I posted a similar question, but I mentioned one of the posters by name and got flamed, so I removed it.

I think the person(s) who called your mother selfish have serious mental health issues / mental illnesses. That's the only reason I can think of that they would say that?

If you post the question on the lalecheleague.org board you would get totally different responses!!! Also, you would get positive responses if you posted it on a breastfeeding group on cafemom, babycenter, or ivllage - you might try that :)

There are lots of mothers that are called selfish everyday for choosing to formula feed. (Which is not that bad but breastmilk is best.) In fact, the World Health Organization (I think that's what its called) encourages pediatricians to talk to adoptive parents about trying adoptive breastfeeding!!!!

KUDOS to your sister in law for being an AMAZING and AWESOME mother!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :)

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