Will anyone who's pro-adoption acknowledge at all that adoption may have a down side for the adoptee?

aloha.girl59

Three months ago I would not have acknowledged it. But now, after reading and participating on this board for several months, I will.

My son was adopted at age 2 from foster care. He was placed in foster care straight after he left the hospital. He was never in his birth mother's care, though he did have weekly visits with her until her parental rights were terminated when he was nearly 3. He loved his foster family and they were wonderful to him, but thanks to several visits with him over an extended period of time, caring foster parents who began referring to us as 'Mommy' and 'Daddy,' and what seems to be a very adaptable nature, our son adjusted to our home very easily. We were warned that he might go to the door and cry and things like that, but it never happened. He has always been happy and though we talk about his birth mother frequently, he doesn't seem to have any issues with the fact that he was adopted.

However, my son and I were in our car today with good friends (a mother and her 5 year old daughter) and we were talking about babies. My son said that babies are born bald, like his grandpa. My friend's daughter said that not *all* babies are bald; she had a lot of hair when she was born. I agreed with her and said that many babies have hair when they're born. Then my son asked, "Did I have hair when I was born, Mom?" I had to tell him that I don't know. We only have one picture of my son as an infant and in it, he is wearing a hat. Such a simple question, yet it is one of many I cannot answer. However silly or insignificant this may seem, this, combined with things I have learned on this site, has clued me in to the fact that my son DID suffer a loss and he will continue to suffer from that loss forever. He lost his birth family. No matter how much we love him and how well adjusted and happy he is, it's still a loss.

magic pointe shoes

You know what's odd... even when I was all aboard the whoohoo adoption train, I still felt like when it works well, it's an awesome alternative, and when it doesn't something needed to be done to correct that.

I still feel that way now that I'm not nearly as enthusiastic about adoption.

MikeyG

Sure, I'll certainly acknowledge it. Every situation is unique, and each one has its own challenges that come along with its benefits. Just because good can come from a situation (not only adoption, but any situation), that doesn't mean that there can't be a down side, too.

PhilM

I can't believe I have to repeat myself yet again, but for those that don't know what the down side is to adoption, let me quote myself from a question asked a mere two hours ago...

"Can being placed for adoption be better than not? Yes. If the first parents are neglectful, for instance, and the adoptive parents are good parents, then being adopted might be better for the child than leaving him or her with the original parents.

Having said that, my claim is and has been that adoption is always predicated on loss. The child has lost his or her original parents. That is always a bad thing. (Either the original parents loved and cared for the child or they didn't. If they did, then it's a loss that they could not or did not keep the child. If they didn't, then the child suffers a loss simply from not being cared for by the original parents.) I'm not talking about how the child feels (though many do feel a loss). I'm talking about objectively the child losing something that, ideally, he or she would have, namely the love and care of the original parents. Adoption may be a replacement for that love and care, but it is not identical to it.

As I've said many times, adoption may be necessary in some cases. But even in those cases, the child has suffered a tragic loss. Until we, as a society, recognize that loss, we cannot properly help adoptees, adoptive parents, or first parents.

I had a good adoption experience, as far as adoption experiences go. But the loss that necessitated adoption caused me confusion and pain.

I hope I've been clear here. I really want to explain my position on this, not be bitter or angry. I love my adoptive parents and my first mom. I don't have to choose among them, nor do I have to be okay with adoption as such to love and respect them and their choices."

I will also add here... Adoption does not necessarily equal stability. Nothing "equals stability" for certain.

BPD Wife

I am happy to admit that there are downsides to adoption just as soon as all of the people against APs admit that there can be upsides to adoption too. : )

My issue all along in Y!A has been this....every adoption journey is different. Some will have a bad opinion of it; others will have a good opinion. No one has the right to tell another that their opinion doesn't matter. The more we listen to each other, the more we can work together to improve what is a flawed system in some respects.

Scooby

as to every issue there is a positive as well as a negative aspect to adoption. the child might not adjust, the adopters might have a child of their own and no matter how hard they try they will treat the adopted child differently, etc. the issues are multiple. I strongly believe in adopting children but I also firmly state that the adopters should take a step back and consider all the aspects and go ahead with it only if they are sure they can fully provide emotionally for the child.

Peaness

Most definitely! I am pro-adoption but with any kind of 'business' there is bound to have some negative sides to it. One being black market babies.

Then there are those individuals who are able to adopt children at a fairly 'cheap' rate & just so they can write them off as a tax write off & don't even treat them as their own child but as property. There are babies who are adopted & sent back, adopted kids that are killed or abused.

The flipside of that is there are a lot of successful adoption stories. A new life is given to most in which some would have had no real chance in life or if they did...they would have to do it 'alone'.

Nyla S

I'm very pro-adoption and I think there's a definite down side. It's real bad for moms to be talked out of or forced to give up babies that are wanted and can be well looked after by them.
I get this, I think lots of people do.
But why do so many get labelled anti-adoptee (as I've recently been) if they say that their case wasn't dark, but was actually the best scenario for all involved?

sarahhhhhhh

Ok then please explain the "dark side"? Oh I get it here we go with the whole "that child is being taken away from its mother" routine! For god sake, thats obviously what the birth parent wants or she wouldnt be doing it!!! Even if she wasnt doing it willingly, then she has obviously made a live choice that will effect the child, so it would be better for the child to be adopted!!!!

ADOPTION =Stable home, mother and father, a chance in life,saved from something terrible!! I could go on and on and on, but I fear I am just wasting my time here.

Or would you rather the child was placed in foster care, with and unstable environment. Being moved pillar to post?

Name something thats bad about adoption please?

..........other than the fact that america doesnt let you look at your files. I think thats not priority. Its your stablility that is.

whatever!

they won't, they think it is fine that the adopted child ended up in a home that is abusive. Hey at least the child was adopted!!

LaraSue

I'm pro-adoption. The key word in your question to me is MAY. Adoption MAY have a down side for the adoptee. I am more than willing to acknowledge that . I am for open records and legally enforced open adoptions.
Now, can those who are labelled anti-adoption acknowledge that adoption doesn't always have a down side for the adoptee, and it such an adoptee expresses that, they aren't in denial?

Kellie W

What do you mean by a "dark side?"

An older infant who is adopted may have some attachment issues, but I cannot possibly see the downside in general.

For many adopted kiddos, there were 3 options: either their mothers killed them in the womb, their mothers kept them and were resentful, or they went to a family that desperately wanted a child. Obviously, adoption is the best of the three options. Is it perfect? Of course not! However, my children, who are not adopted, would tell you that there is tons about our family that is not perfect.

Do adopted childern sometimes have "issues" that require some working through? Certainly. However, better they work through those issues with a loving (imperfect) family than never have the chance to have issues at all.

One of my best friends was adopted by an American couple from India when she was an older infant. Does she have "issues" related to the adoption? Yes. Is she thankful that she was given the chance to live in a great coutnry and be raised by wonderful (but flawed, like all of us) parents? Yes. Are her parents tremendously thankful that they we able to have a child who has givent hem so much joy? Absolutely. Is it a perfect situation? No. Is it good? Absolutely.

The only reason my husband and I have never adopted is that our income is very low and we would never qualify, nor would we be able to afford the fees, even though there are tax advantges in the U.S.. Otherwise, I would love to adopt a baby. Another child to love, with no morning sickness, weight gain, and labor? Sign me up!

bestadvicechick

Yes, people will acknowledge there are dark sides to adoption on here as soon as those who are pro-reform can acknowledge there ARE upsides as well and there ARE certain situations where adoption is very necessary & good CAN come out of it. Nothing is black or white and I HATE it when people try to portray adoption as either ALL bad or all good. It's just rubbish.

It bothers you that people can't acknowledge any BAD about adoption. Well, it bothers me that some on here can't seem to acknowledge that any GOOD can come out of adoption either. There are "family preservationists" on here who seem to believe children should stay with their bio families no matter how f*cked up they are or how much the mother may not actually want them. I know it's sad to acknowledge but there ARE women who should never be mothers. I certainly believe every effort should be made to keep families together if it can be helped but I'm sorry, there ARE situations where the child WILL be better off with someone who has the capability to love unconditionally, give a healthy environment to grow up in, and be a good example so the cycle doesn't continue.

Everyone should acknowledge that nothing in adoption is black & white. There are pros & cons to every situation.

haircutter

What is the dark side?

Sarah

I guess you can throw me into the pro-adoption pot, if I must be labeled. I think you're being a bit dramatic by asking for an acknowledgment that there is a 'dark side'- sure it's not all roses, but I don't think Darth Vader is lurking around the corner, either. Let's just all be reasonable, k?

*Scooby: when you say this- "the adopters should take a step back and consider all the aspects and go ahead with it only if they are sure they can fully provide emotionally for the child.", do you also think this is the case with parents who conceive? Ideally, of course. But in all reality, that doesn't happen. So when problems happen in adopted families, it gets blamed on the adoption. That's what overdramatizes anti-adoption arguments, IMHO.

**Awesome points, Sarahhhh

Still Me

There is pain and loss in adoption -- for everyone. Birthmothers have the "loss" of their child; children have the "loss" of their birth family; adoptive parents have the "loss" of their fertility (in some cases) or birth child. But most life markers are -- Graduating high school means the "loss" of childhood; a new career means the "loss" of an old one; marriage means the "loss" of independence; parenthood means the "loss" of freedom. But the alternative? Parenting a child we do not feel able or willing to parent; growing up with a parent who did not choose to or was not able to parent us; being without children when we want to be parents? Adoption, like almost all major life events, is comprised of joy, pain, fulfillment and loss. The difficulty is that some children (no matter what age) are more vulnerable to the pain in adoption, and interestingly enough, some are stronger, too. Adoptees are some of the biggest supporters of both adoption reform, and adoption. Some are vulnerable to the loss and stuck in it. Others are not as vulnerable and have grown from it. There is no one way for adoption, or anything else.

eve

I'm not sure about what you are really asking. Ceratinly everything has a negative and a positive. I haven't read that much on this site -- I know there are lots of "anti-adoption" people which I never even heard of before. I'm not even sure what their point is. If we lived in a perfect world, adoption probably wouldn't exist. But there are times when a baby is born and the people who are best off to raise the child, are not the biological parents -- just as there are people who want so much to be parents and can't get pregnant. For those two parties -- adoption is a wonderful thing. Clearly, it is the child that matters the most. For the child, adoption is not perfect. But it is the perfect solution in this world for this child. I have always been pro-choice, and I believe abortion should be an option open to women who want it. But, as an adoptive parent I am incredibly grateful that there was a woman out there 12 years ago who wanted to give birth to my son.

furfur

I was going to respond to this but BPD already beat me to it. I couldn't have said it any better!

The only addendum I will add to that is that while there is a positive side for the adoptive parent, we also are not looking forward to the day when our daughter realizes what was lost.

karen m

Anything in life can contain a dark side, it depends on the people involved and their situation. Yes there are some horror stories in adoptions that I've heard, but I also have heard some horror stories concerning birth-parents and their natural children. You can't throw the baby out with the bath water. Adoption is a good thing!

Crucio

Well of course I realize there are negatives and positives about any situation including adoption. Though I have had a positive Adoption experience myself, I do realize not every adoptee had a good experience. Perhaps they ended up with not so kind parents, maybe they felt they never fit in or were treat differently then blood family, Black market, over pricing etc. I also realize that even some adoptee who had a good experience still have turmoil for a wide range of reasons. So yes it could be said adoption has a â€œdarkâ€ side however with most things that have a â€œdarkâ€ side there is also a â€œbrightâ€ side. There are people who are anti adoption, and I mean truly anti adoption who donâ€™t think adoption should happen period. Could one ask these people why they canâ€™t see the â€œbrightâ€ side that can occur and does occur in some peoples adoptions, and not just have tunnel vision and only see the â€œdarkâ€ side.

No one is denying that some adoptees get abused or even killed by the people who adopted them. However this happens to biological children too, in my local paper/news in not even a month there have been 3 stories of biological parents who killed their biological children. One was a woman who was going through a difficult time she had no home , was hoping from friend to friend, apparently she lost car and saw no hope, she wrote a suicide note thanking people for helping her, then shot her two daughters age 3 and 11, then shot herself. (http://www.examiner.com/a-1135922~Woman_who_killed_daughters__self_felt_hopeless.html) A man in Alabama just recently threw his 4 children off a bridge after a spat with the mother the ages were 3years to 4months, now the 3 year old was not biological his but he had raised the boy since infancy.( http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,23031808-5001028,00.html) Then a man who actual killed his 2 children 3 years ago and they have just convicted him because they found the remains this past fall.

AdoreHim

a dark side to adoption? Ok, granted some experiences may not be as "happy" as others, but I can tell you being in a biological family isn't all peaches and cream either- my husband can vouch for that- I am adopted and have 2 adopted children and we all have love and respect for the women that decided to give us life, even when they knew they could not raise us. My hubby and I met both of our children's birth moms- and I can tell you they were not coerced into "giving away their babies". Sorry if anyone has had a bad experience in an adoptive family, however you can ask my husband and he will be the first to tell you that his upbringing in his biological family was not the best.

mscrawdad

You just have to be in your late 40's or older to know that there is a very bad side to adoption. Anyone that old probably heard of a very famous case of an attorney who beat his six year old adopted daughter to death and nearly beat his wife to death with her. He tortured them both for years before killing the child. There are a lot of bad people out there and some of them adopt children.

faith

I am all for adoption, the only downside for the children, is not knowing their true heritage, unless it is all written out. Also one day the children might want to know where they came from, and their birth parents may not want to be found. Bad side for parents adopting would be them getting close to the child and the birth parents changing their mind and taking the child back.
Adoption is worth any downside, because as with anything their is a downside and an upside.

elaeblue

There are always those few people who somehow pass all the tests and are given a child they do not treat well or in fact actually abuse. It is not the norm however and most adopted chidlren live good lives without abuse or neglect.
I am for adoption as opposed to abortion but feel most children would be just as well off with the mother that bore them if we provided help and assistance to her instead of considering her a scarlet woman.

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