Won't give us her baby unless we agree to open adoption?

Grace

You said she lived in your neighborhood so the closeness of her would be an issue most likely anyway. I think you, your husband, and a lawyer of mediator, someone, should sit down and talk with her and her parents. Lay down some ground rules for her. Explain that when there is a new baby, everyone has to take time to get a into a routine and that it's very tiring for the entire household. Even in an open adoption, you hold all the rights to the child so if you feel she is becoming a threat to you or the baby, you can have legal action taken against her. But it may not come to that. She may change her mind after the baby is born. (I couldn't imagine giving up a baby and then wanting to see it; but that's just me). That is if you consider going on with the adoption.

If you just just can't go through with it, that's not selfish in my opinion. It's not like you would be adopting this baby as a single woman. You have a husband and two sons to think about and you'll do what you have to do for your family in the end. Maybe the open adoption is a sign that you aren't menat for this baby. If you choose not to proceed, all you can do is hope and pray that she will find the family that is meant for her.

As far as the child eventually coming to know about the adoption. That's a tough one. There is always a chance thet she could tell her even if you ask her to respcet your wishes not too. By the time she would be old enough to understand whay it all meant, she should also be old enough to understand that you chose her; you picked her to be your special girl. She will understand how much you love her. And she will also understand that someone else had her but chose to give away. Good luck

LaurieDB

The child isn't born yet, so obviously you haven't adopted the child. That means this girl is the mother and can make whatever choices she wants with regard to her child.

If you want a closed adoption, you will need to go elsewhere. I would suggest foster-adoption. There are plenty of children in foster care whose parents' parental rights have been terminated, so open adoption isn't an option.

I hope that you will also keep in mind that adoption is really about the child. In an open adoption, you will still be the only legal parents. The natural parent(s) and your child will know one another, but they will not have any parental rights.

Also, even if you end up with a closed adoption, your child will always have another family out there, whether s/he ever wants to know that family or not. You need to know someday your child may want to know his/her natural parents, and has every right to do so.

If you have concerns about the natural parents being in your child's life, you may want to think long and hard about adoption. The fact is, the natural family does and always will exist, whether they are a part of the child's life or not, and that can't be denied.

ETA:
I meant to also say, since adoption is about the child, your child has a right to his/her truth, including knowing his/her natural parents. If the natural parents want this, it's fair not just to them, but it's fair to your child.

ETA:
Why should you want this woman in your child's life? Because it's fair to this child to have some sort of link to his/her natural family. The natural mother isn't going to be parenting the baby. It's about pictures and letters and some openness.

Gershom

Yeah you are crude.

Maybe you should sit down and think about the CHILD and not yourself.

Wheres the little smiley that throws up when I need it?

PhilM

My suggestion... Don't adopt. Your selfishness is evident and you will likely scar any child you took in.

Jenny W

Well that is the birthmother's right. If you don't like it find another baby to adopt. I know that sounds crude but... it's her baby and her choice.

goodquestion

I sincerely hope that some day you will look back on this post and be horrified at what you wrote.

You "suffered a great heartbreak" when a neighborhood woman lost her baby. Are you able to comprehend that she might have had some feelings about the tragedy herself?

If you adopt a baby, by definition you will be sharing that child with his or her original family. The DNA in the baby's body isn't going to magically transform into a copy of your DNA. In fact, you might disrupt the adoption, which would sever your connection to the child, but the child can never sever the connection to his or her genetic roots.

Being a parent means putting your child's needs ahead of your own. Until you can do that, you're not ready to be a parent, bio or adoptive.

proudmomma

it is the birth mothers right to whatever rules she wants. its her baby until she signs that paper.

Andraya

Your question line says it all.

Won't give us HER baby unless we agree to open adoption?

NOT YOURS. Not until the adoption is finalized. HER child until SHE makes the choice to relinquish and carries through with it.

Entitled fool.

Isabel A

It sounds like you have no affection or respect for this woman. Why would you want to raise her baby?
Listen, I am a product of a closed adoption. I love my adoptive mother. I found my first mom last year, and I love her too.
I have too mothers. that is adoption.
To convince yourself otherwise is just foolish. you and your husband will be setting yourselves up for grat disappointment.

I don't think this mother and this baby are what you are looking for.

Alyssa's mommy

I know this isn't the answer you are looking for, but if you had the choice of no child or sending a few pictures to someone, in the end, which is better?

It isn't showing them what they could have had. You are showing them how happy they have made your life, and how the baby they gave birth to is having a good life.

its the birth mothers choice. if you do not want to have the open adoption you should wait and find a different baby to adopt

Gaia Raain

Wow. This little human being that you all are making decisions about has rights, and hopefully you'll pull your head out and become aware that it's not all about you. One of these days, that child is going to be old enough to start asking questions. When you realize "your" child is grieving the loss of his or her parents, what are you going to say? "Sorry, Junior, but WE'RE your parents. Those other people just don't matter." Come on. If you don't want to "share" a child, then don't freakin adopt! Adoption = sharing a child. Period. Keeping that child from his or her biological family is violating that child's rights. Do some research on adoption from the adoptee's perspective before adopting, please. Phil is right. Your selfishness is evident, and with your attitude, you will do nothing but damage that child.

~Jenny~

I think you're being selfish...in your statement about pictures...and what she would've had...maybe she should go with someone else who won't mind sending pictures...or care for the child herself...why shouldn't she get pics...because you don't feel comfortable...whatever...as far as you guys not wanting her to parent children and pointing out all her faults...have you looked in the mirror to fix your own faults...and have you forgotten she is only 15 yrs old...and what do you plan on telling this child when he/she asks you questions...I get the feeling you might make her out to be evil...with the way you speak of her now...so much judgment on her from you....

ETA....if there was some truth in that..I'm sure the state would have been all over this...you can't believe everything....or maybe this is false accusations from someone that wants this baby so badly she will go to any level....and if the concern is there.. then maybe someone can social services and get this young girl geared in the right direction...which is to parent this baby...I'm don't have faith in social services..but I don't trust someone who is going to do nothing...but run this girl in the ground...this woman isn't looking out for the girl...she's strictly in this for the baby...and to the lady that posted this...if she's your neighbor then she's in your life no matter what..you're worried about pics etc...but not worried she might become a peeping tom...to get a glimpse of her baby?

matthewtbren

Almost everyone else already answered like I would. So I'll just say I can't believe a five year old who didn't know he was adopted. That in itself is a problem. Adopted children should know from the very start they are adopted. Keeping it a secret, even if it's not for the entire childhood, is wrong and completely discouraged by social workers, therapists, etc.

Torrejon

She is offering conditions that are not acceptable to you...so, move on. What is the problem?

What a shame that what might be best for the child is not a concern for you!

Wilma Duckie Deene

Really think about this one. It isn't right to say anything to get a baby and not be ok with the open adoption and pull out. What does she want exactly? Pictures/letters/phone calls? This is not a big deal, really it isn't.

But, if you are wanting a closed adoption, be honest about it and find an agency that can work with you.

jessica300

This is a joke right?

Noah's Mommy & Marine Wife.

If you want this baby so badly then what's the big deal? This girl is ONLY 15 and instead of getting an abortion she's allowing you to have her baby. That's a commendable thing. She obviously wants her baby to have a better life and is handling this in a very mature and responsible way. So you want to punish her by not allowing her to be, in a very small way, part of her baby's life after it is born?

What happens when the child starts asking questions? They very well could figure out they were adopted. From you or from other means. What are you going to tell them? That you denied their birth mother the right to get a few photos and letters a year? How is that going to go over?

Cam

I'm sorry that you consider open adoption a problem. Obviously this adoption plan is not for you. This mother deserves better for her and her child. I hope she moves on.

Freckle Face

You child should be told from the very being that she/he is adopted. Therefore no one could break the news to the child if she/he already knows it.

An open adoption is what is best for the child. This girl is only 15, she will mature and grow up. You could be a soft spot for her to fall when she needs help.

If you cannot honor an open adoption then you are not thinking of your future childs needs first. Therefore don't adopt.

You just give birth to another baby. Adoption is not for you. You must respect the feelings and needs of your childs first mother, thats open adoption. Please don't adopt this child you will do more harm than good.

LiL One

The birth mother wants to know that she made the right decision for her child. That her child is happy, healthy and having a better life. It's not "showing them what they could have had" it is showing them that they made the right choice.. If it is something you are not comfortable with then don't do it.. I'm sure there will be another baby for you two to adopt in time..

grapesgum

My suggestion is that you pass on this one. If closed adoption is what you want, then find someone who will relinquish in a closed situation and stop bugging this poor girl. Don't try to bully this girl or her family. It will just blow up in your face sooner or later.

I think that you need to get some adoption education. You don't sound any more mature that this young mother-to-be.

love_lost

honestly that isnt just crude it is selfish
you did not have to go through 9 months of carrying that child
you did not have to give birth to it
and you did not have to give up 9 months of your life
and maybe even friends
she could have just killed the baby but instead she is being considerate and unselfish enough to give you and your husband a child. so the LEAST you could do is send pictures and updates on how her own flesh and blood is doing maybe a visit on birthdays christmas's you dont have to tell the child that she is her parent if you dont want to feel like your "sharing" THE child. but if you and your husband know her well at least have her there just as a friend cause it could be HARD to have a baby at 15 you would want to know at least a little of how it is being raised it is called natural attachment it comes when you get pregnant even more then when you adopt

Livvie

well you have two choices here. give up the baby or agree to a open adoption

Princess

don't steal her baby... get your own..... i mean think of how tough this must be for her...

Still Me

No one is obligated to "give you" their baby under any conditions. It would not be fair to anyone to agree to an adoption plan you have no intention of embracing and committing to. There are birth mothers who request closed adoption, although few. However, I think you might want to revisit your attitudes about adoption. Sending photos and letters is standard and it would be impossible to understand why anyone would be against it. I think you may be resenting birthmothers, and therefore, maybe you are missing the whole point here. Join an adoption group and possibly get some adoption counseling before you think about adopting. Everyone will benefit from it if you do adopt.

gallifreygal

Have you spoken to anybody legally about this, for example documents? There is a chance, I don't know if this is with just agencies, but however, once I reached an age I refused contact from my birth mother,and although she had the ability to force contact she never did. Maybe the unborn child will decide that he / she wants nothing to do with the birthmother, after all, as everyone is saying, this is her baby.

She is being extremely mature by deciding to adopt this baby out to someone in the first place, and cleary since it's her second pregnancy and she's still keen for her baby to be adopted by you, it must mean something. She may just want to follow her baby's progress through life, and maybe in case you move away, she can still get photos and such of her baby.

She's doing the ultimate sacrifice by giving away her child to adoption. She knows once the baby is adopted out, she cannot get the baby out.

Open adoptions can work out very well. Instead of becoming something negative, the mother's influence on the child's life can be positive, for example, this way your child can see it's origins, where it got the hair colour from, the eye colour, they will recognise what they got from their mother. My adoptive parents work in union with my birth mother, which in fact makes it easier, because at the start sure she demanded me back, but then she realised I was better off and let me move on with life.

You should ask her why she's asking for an open adoption and discuss it with her. Find out her reasons and try to understand it from her point of view, don't just think about yourself in this, but also the birth mother and the unborn child.

Good luck making the decision. Maybe it would be better to visit an agency beforehand, and speak with them about what to do, get some clearance and reassurance about ifyou're doing it the right way.

Addon after main posters edit: Even after she did that, how long ago was it? Maybe she's moved on and grown up a bit more and realised it wasn't something she should've done. I'm sure she's realised she had indeed made a mistake and she hasn't done anything yet to this unborn baby. And as said, the baby is still hers. She can decide to keep the baby for herself if she wants, or decide to give it to another family, it's her decision. Her stomach, her pregnancy, her baby.

Not yours. You cannot set the terms if you want this child.

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