Would You Force A Relationship Between Your Adoptive Child/ren's & Their Birth Family?

aloha.girl59

Hey Charli,

I think you're going above and beyond the call of duty. Unfortunately, it seems that your son's first family doesn't really want to be involved with him. To spare your son's feelings, I wouldn't mention to him that you're calling or writing to them again. Continue to try to keep in touch with them because hopefully they will change their minds one day and want to see their nephew/brother/grandson. If you close the lines of communication completely, your son will miss out on having them in his life. Just make sure your son doesn't know that you're calling them again so he doesn't feel rejected if they don't respond.

Extend the invitation for Christmas. If they don't respond, no one (but you) is the wiser. If they accept, think how excited your little boy will be! Remember that your son's first family is probably hurting because he is not with them. It seems like a strange way to react -- rejecting your offers of inclusion -- but maybe that's how they're dealing with things. We can only assume what they're thinking and feeling -- we don't really *know* unless they tell us.

Continue doing what you think is right. You sound like a good parent. :)

Aloha!

Joanie

Visitations should always be from people that wish to be included in your family. People in any situation that do not care about your family do not deserve your concern. If your child has birth relatives that he or she knows as birth relatives ( I strongly disagree with this trend, as the child and your family are more important then the divisiveness you are experiencing now) and they are happy and healthy with being part of his life with out the drama then by all means include them, but never coerce them it will only hurt and confuse your child.

Freckle Face

You don't have to force it.

Just keep the lines of communication open for now. As your son gets older, he can chose to have a relationship with them or not.

Give your child's family the benefit of the doubt. I know it can be hard at times but hang in there:) Best wishes.

â™¥HEARTS 808â™¥ TROPICAL BABEâ™¥

You can't Force those people to care honey. Either they do or they don't. It sounds like they don't. I would explain to him how VERY VERY much he is LOVED by you ,hubby and your other babbies! Try to take the focus of a relationship OFF of those people...they are Obviously self-centered and uncaring...he is little right now so Re-direct his thoughts and then when HE is older and more Mature if he wants to look for them...then support him..but trying to FORCE a relationship will Never work...

Care to Field This One Aloha Girl?

Carnie C

you can't force it and shouldn't. It's unfortunate that they don't want contact with him but then again . . .as you've said, he's come so far since he's been with you.

Enjoy your son. Keep the option available if they want to see him; update them a couple of times a year via letters and pictures with the open invite to see him. But if they don't take you up on those offers, you can't bear that weight on your shoulders. You've done what you can and, in my opinion, gone over and above to initiate contact. Rest easy, you've done what you can but you can't force it.

Enjoy your son.

ladybmw1218

Unfortunately you can't force relationships. You can ensure they know the door is open and hope they walk through it.

I would send cards, letters, pictures, emails, an invitation to a holiday open house or fun outing (we have lots of concerts and events where I live for example) you plan to have or go to, and call and leave them messages periodically. All you can do is what you can do...the rest is up to them.

kidmindi

If they don't want to see him, he is better of w/o them. All forcing visitation does it set your son up to feel unwanted when these ppl eventually back out of his life for good. Love him and be there for him and someday maybe his first family will realize what they are missing and want to be in his life

Trissh

I personally wouldn't push them into anything, there would be nothing worse than this little one getting used to the contact and then have it taken away because his "biological family" don't want to make the effort for him. If he is not asking for the contact, then don't push it, as you said he is doing very well with your care, so this is the only important relationship he needs at the moment. Speak to the family and tell them how you view them, let them know that you will not be keeping in contact with them but that you and the little one are always there if they feel that they want to make the effort.

opedial

You can't make them care, but you can give the option. Invite them for a visit and if they show then great and if not then they don't. Don't let your son know about it in advance, so he is not let down if they don't show. When he is older, you will have to work these things out more clearly.

I would send a letter and follow with one phone call inviting them for a Christmas visit, and if they do'nt follow up, you have done your job.

buschchick

just let it be...don't force the issue. I personally think its great that he is thriving in your home but that doesn't mean you have to call them to tell them...just be thankful...it probably hurts them to know that the child was given up for whatever reason and they feel its easier to just push away...let the child make the decision for himself when he gets older...good luck and Merry Christmas :)

Mommy to 11 month old Jacob

If the family doesn't want anything to do with him, don't force it....even though it is very sad, cruel and unfair to him. I know he is only four but it may be time to face the truth with him...and then reassure him that you guys, his new family, love him very much and always will.

sizesmith

I've wanted to have my son's first mom see him. A few family members do. I just suggest that it's not your job to force them. Perhaps if you just mail them a picture every once in a while, with something like "child-age 4" on it, and leave it at that.

Also, I wouldn't ever close the door. Sometimes, the embarrassment of what a family member has done makes it where they are so embarrassed that they're ashamed of visiting. One day, perhaps they'll grow up, and then again, they might not. Since there is a protective order, perhaps the child's first parents have moved in with one of them, and they're afraid to visit?

You'll just have to be honest about the adoption with your child, telling him how lucky you feel to have him, and how much his family loves him, and that if his first family hadn't been sick in ways, that they would love him too. Abusive parents often don't have decent families in the first place (many do-so please don't thumbs down), and perhaps the emotional involvement that you have is so much healthier that it's hard to understand how "they" work. There are ways to be honest, and just leave out the hurtful/negative parts.

2blessed 2bstressed

DON'T FORCE IT..... IF THEY WANTED TO COME AROUND THEY
WOULD......I TRIED THAT WITH MY LIL GIRL HER MOM ASKED ME TO BABYSIT HER WHEN SHE WAS 3 WEEKS OLD AND SHE'S NOW 6YRS I'VE HAD HER EVERY SINCE I TRIED SO HARD TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HER MOM AND FAMILY BUT NONE OF THEM WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER BECAUSE SHE'S BIRACIAL SO I STOPPED WAISTING MY TIME ..IT'S LIKE A PUZZLE IF THE PIECE DON'T FIT YOU CANT MAKE IT

JUST KNOW THAT THERE'S A REASON FOR EVERYTHING MAYBE HE WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM

THE BEST THING TO DO IS TO LET GO AND LET GOD HANDLE IT

~BE BLESSED~

crissy

id write to them and just say your welcome to contact us and ask how the little ones going at anytime and at least that way if they dont get in touch you just have to help him get on with out them around and its up to them and not you anymore to make contact

Heather J

I only know 1 adopted person.

My mum is one of nine siblings. Her oldest sister had a baby and abandoned it with their mother. As my grandma wanted the child to have stability she adopted her meaning her granddaughter 'legally' became her daughter (and my cousin became my aunt)

Despite this, grandma always kept M up to date on J's progress, even when M emigrated to America and had more children. J grew up knowing who she was and where she came from and had a good relationship with all her family except for her mother who wasn't interested once she had her 'new life'.

The difference, of course, is that she was kept within her birth family and although she still has no relationship with her mum she does with one of her American half sisters.

I think in your case I would not push anything but keep the door well and truly open. Perhaps the grandparents feel awkward because of their own children's failings as parents, perhaps with their busy lives another day goes past and before you know it 6 months have passed.

At the same time I would no make excuses for them. If your son asks 'why', be honest and say you just don't know. Kids are very astute but also very forgiving so if the birth family ever see sense he will more than likely be okay with seeing them.

Gaia Raain

It should always be up to the kids themselves. Kids should be empowered to make their own life decisions, and parents should be there for support.

gibberish

No, never!!

taifallos

Don't force it. Those are their issues. Not to be rude, but there's obviously a reason why the child was placed into adoption. It could be anything from immaturity to guilt not being able to meet the child's needs or even that a very painful and traumatizing experience is associated with the child. More harm than good can come from forcing anyone to see their family, especially if the other party does not wish to communicate. Also depending on the child's age, it could traumatize them as well.

A child once grown will always go visit home. It's animal instinct to find out where you've come from. When they're good and ready it will happen. But I would leave it, especially at Christmas, this is when everyone uses sentimentality as an accuse for their actions.

Winterlieder

Never and to be totally honest I am looking for adoption agencies where even the minimum relationship is not going to happen (closed adoption)

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