Would an internationally adopted child feel insecure growing up...?

kims

It depends on the child, you know? I adopted four older children from Ethiopia. They're siblings, but they are all vey different from each other. Three of them have jumped into life here amazingly well. One of my daughters goes through phases.

You're doing the most important thing now, which is asking questions and researching. There are some excellent books you could read. I would say to look for books written by adoptees, they know best how they feel.

I think it doesn't matter so much if the parents are white, as long as the friends and community aren't 100% white as well. We have AA friends, the school our children attend is ethnically diverse as is our church. In addition, we have neighbors who are from the same country as our children, Ethiopia. They have children around the same ages as ours, and everyone has really hit it off. I'm hoping it will help that our children won't feel like the only Ethiopians in town. Our neighbors are happy too, because their children were born here and they like to hear my children tell their children stories about home.

I think parents who are sensitive to their children's needs, are loving and supportive, are good listeners, and are willing to step outside their comfort zone, learn, and make changes will be successful parents.

MamaKate

I have said this a million times, adoptions are as individual as the people involved in them. There is no crystal ball you can look into to see how your child will turn out.

What you CAN do (if you decide to adopt internationally) is:
*educate yourself as much as possible about adoption and its effects - learn from all sides of the "triad" (ESPECIALLY THE ADOPTEES) so you get more than one perspective
*be prepared for the possibility that there can be problems and how to deal with them in a healthy way
*educate yourself and your child about the country and culture of their origin and encourage curiosity with honesty, respect and acceptance
*accept your child for who they are and repect that there are differences but not over-emphasize them, and be realistic in your expectations of both the child and your relationship

There have been several good posts about this subject recently and there are several regular posters who have internationally adopted and are very knowledgeable, caring and intelligent about this particular subject - Freckle Face jumps to mind - these folks and their past posts will have useful information, educational recommendations and links which you may find extremely valuable.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide!

robs_rarity

here's a basic fact of ALL adoptees, regardles of the colour of their skin or that of their adopted families

at base level we are all insecure - show me a person that isnt having been rejected, quite possibly at birth, by their mother.

Lots of us have very hard exteriors and will not openly admit that we are insecure but is is a very well known and documented fact

ibu guru

International adoption is a horror show. It is babies-on-the-sales-block. A number of countries have outright barred international adoption due to the fraud, baby sales, and the rest of the insanity.

These babies are sold. They are not orphans. They are being ripped away from their parents, grandparents and siblings -- some being out-ight kidnapped and sold.

Some of these adoption-rings have men entrap young girls with promises of marriage, get them pregnant, then threaten to dump the girl if she doesn't give it up for adoption. The girl gets $500 for signing the adoption papers, and then gets dumped anyway.

Ringleaders search out poor rural people and offer them money for the baby with promises that the "rich American family" will then get citizenship for the entire family and they will get their baby back. (It is always a "rich American" regardless where the baby ends up.)

Anyone who adopts internationally is totally selfish and totally lacks any regard for the fact that they are creating an entire industry of crime; they are taking a child away from its family; separating a child from its country, culture and every familiar sound and rhythm it has sensed since conception; destroying cultures and social support systems that have worked effectively for centuries. They are contributing to overpopulation since many of these kids would never be born if someone wasn't making money off the sale -- would you choose getting $500 for selling a baby or paying $1 for contraception?

All Chinese babies up for adoption are sold. The parents cannot get official permission to have another child by "abandoning" or "giving away" a girl. Culturally boys are never sold, and girls are. And how on earth can supposedly intelligent people come up with the intellectual disconnect that communist authorities have no idea who "abandoned" a baby, but are so knowledgeable about who's pregnant that they can "force" a woman to have an abortion before she's 4 weeks gone? Errant nonsense!

As for the child, it will always feel lost, feel a sense of loss, wonder where their mommy, daddy and brothers and sisters are. It will always feel out of place, as if a part of them knows they really belong elsewhere. All the common feelings of adoptees are greatly magnified in international adoptions.

It goes far deeper than skin color. And all your toys cannot replace a missing mommy you know is out there somewhere. All your possessive "love" cannot erase the tear in the soul as these kids are ripped away from everything familiar.

Drop the materialistic "justifications," stop focusing on superficialities, and acknowledge that the baby trade really is the new slave trade. This is the buying and selling of another human being to satisfy some psycho-compulsion to "have" (own, possess) a baby. This is the elephant in the room that adoptive parents try so hard not to see.

International adoption is absolutely the most horrifying, disgusting and painful thing I saw in all my years as a journalist.

spydermomma

Well, I'm not sure if insecure is exactly the right word for it, but I do believe that most internationally adopted children will face some struggles with self-identity, particularly if they are also of a different race.

Internationally adopted children come into their adoptive family with so many losses already: they have lost their first family, their birth culture, the sights and sounds and smells of home, usually the language, etc. That is a HUGE set of changes and losses for a baby or child to adjust to. Most do adjust quite well, because children are very adaptable, but parents have to be aware that their child will have lost a lot and will need extra attention to their emotional needs.

Then if you bring the transracial issue into it, there is another huge challenge for the child. I am reading Barack Obama's earlier memoir, Dreams from my Father. In it he says, "I was trying to raise myself to be a black man in America, and beyond the given of my appearance, no one around me seemed to know exactly what that meant."

That is the situation transracial adoption places children in. And yes, I have done this also, as a white mom to a daughter from China. The problem is better defined as one of "racial identity" rather than insecurity. Growing up in a white family, many adult adoptees of color say that they have had a very hard time developing a strong identity as a person of color. In the face of ongoing and pervasive racism, a strong self identity is essential. This was a very difficult struggle for Barack Obama. And it will be a difficult struggle for any transracially adopted child. Some will come through this struggle relatively unscathed, but some will have a very difficult time. As parents it is crucial that we provide our children with many adult role models of their own racial and ethnic background, ideally some of them also transracially adopted, so that they will have a better chance of developing a healthy self-identity as a person of color.

Coming on top of all the losses inherent in adoption just compounds the issues, so my short answer is "Yes, internationally adopted children of color will have issues growing up in a white family." Any parent adopting transracially or internationally must go in with their eyes wide open and keep looking into their own racial stereotypes -- so that they can help raise their children to be strong in themselves.

I don't have time right now to write more, but I urge you to read over the answers to these similar questions on transracial adoption. I like my answers especially <grin>, but there are a lot of good ones:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqbCSLsVZGV4Gvsda2apLsHty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080528054649AALo1kQ&show=7#profile-info-PLErHHstaa
(I recommended a lot of books and websites on this one)

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtXSsXQpNrtYvKmzj3EBR33ty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080601101612AAcIXKo&show=7#profile-info-PLErHHstaa

You've gotten a lot of good answers from others already also: MamaKate, GrapesGum, Robs_rarity, Kimmino, and yes, even Ibu Guru have important points for anyone considering International or transracial adoption to consider.

grapesgum

If the family lives where I grew up - yes, definitely a child from another country would feel insecure and perhaps persecuted.

Anything other than blond hair and blue eyes meant you were an outcast in the area where I was raised. My family's heritage went back to the Mayflower but my French grandmother gave us brown hair and eyes. Not acceptable! Dark skin? No way!

I live far, far away from there now.

Please consider the environment that you bring your child to. Move if necessary!

Blessed

I was adopted and Im biracial, but was raised in a white family. Im perfectly fine and happy about that. All you have to do is instill good values and morals into the child. Then they, on their own, will eventually begin to see and undertstand their own beauty whether or not they look different than you.

God bless :)

Lin_Z

Honestly, I think that it is completely up to how you raise the child. I think that it is very important that you embrace your differences, rather than ignoring them. Teach them about their home culture, and how every culture is special. Buy the child toys and dolls that look like them, as well as books and movies with characters that look like them. (as well as all different types of cultures). I think that it is very important for all children to be exposed to diversity. If the child is bombarded with images of a culture that looks nothing like them, then yes, that could make them feel insecure. As long as you talk to the child, make them feel special, are loving and nurturing, then I think that they would be just fine.

BaByMaMa Tashina

I dont think so... we are all home grown in this family, but my hubby is black, im white and my kids are copper skinned... we are all different and it doesnt bother us at all...

â™¥Danielle â™¥

This really does depend on the person and the family they grow up with as everyone is different.

Ted

This question begs the question, Who does not feel insecure growing up? Everyone has their own individual insecurities. If you love the child and raise it right, s/he will be fine.

Doodlestuff

I think it depends on the kid, the country, and the environment. For instance, the local kids adopted from countries such as Columbia and China seem to be thriving and confident adults. Some of this has to do clearly with the parents, but also how accepting the area kids are of them. On the other hand, it could also be that you tend to SEE the outgoing children vs. those who are insecure.

Kevin N

well no. just put a bond and act like they are your REAL child. skin doesnt matter. its the heart. =)

pinky lou

not sure, but i think there are alot of kids here who need adopting first

Classy

no. if you raised the child and loved it, them the child would look past the difference and love you no matter what.

Say what!!!!

At first it will be hard for them to adjust, but, as long as they feel love they will soon forget about their skin colour and adapt to the new parent way of developing them.

fostermama

I really don't think so! If you love and care for that child and build a bond to them I believe they will come to not notice the difference in the color of your skin!

Proud mommy!!!

As long as you don't raise them to notice color they should be fine of course when they get older they are going to realize they are adopted. So i wouldn't suggest trying to hide it.

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