Would like some advice on asking my mom about my biological father!?

I am 23 years old and have always been curious about who my biological dad is.. When my mom was still pregnant they got into a fight and she left him.. not only did she leave him she moved from texas to louisiana. I know after i was born he came and visited because on accident i came across pictures when i was like 16 of him holding me and playing with me when i was 3 or so .. My mom was married to him too, and i have seen wedding pictures. When i was 10 the man i call my father adopted me and has been a wonderful dad, but i always have it in the back of my head who is my biological dad, do i have any siblings i dont know about, what features did i get from him (because i look soo much like my mom) ?? My mom has never said much about him so im not sure how to approach her about him! any advice on how to bring it up would be great! I would just look him up myself but i dont even know his name or where in texas he is! thanks in advance!
Additional Details
by the way, his name was never on my birth certificate either, so my mom never had to get his permission to have my adopted dad adopt me!

mrs. anonymous

I would pick a moment when you're both calm and relaxed (not after a stressful or busy day) and sit down with your mom. Tell her that you appreciate all the work she's put into raising you. Tell her how much you love your adoptive father and how he's been a wonderful dad to you. And then tell her, that you hope it won't upset her, but you have some questions about your biological father and that you wonder about whether or not you have siblings, etc (all the things you mentioned). Ask her to think about telling you his name.. But don't rush her into it. Allow her time. Emphasize the fact that you're not trying to replace her or your dad, but you want to know more about the person whose genes you share. Be prepared for her to be less than thrilled, but don't freak out or anything. Stay calm and be polite at all times.
Hope things work out for you.

Dalton's Mommy

Tactfully ask for his name, address if she has it. As his daughter you have the right to know medical info that could impact you in the future. I would also state you realize the difference between your real father that raised you and you bio. father.

kateiskate

Have you thought about asking any of your other relatives or family friends who might have known him? That seems like a good idea if you are worried about your mom getting upset if you ask her.

red elephants

I take it from your screen name that you are trying to get pregnant. That could very well be your reasoning for asking her about your biological dad.

It can be a touchy subject, especially if it didn't end on good terms. My dad left before I was born but I've never felt the need to find him/know him. But if I did want to find out information I'd try to be as gentle with my mom as possible. I'd start by saying how happy I was growing up and how much I love her (and stepdad in your case), etc. That as she knows, you are trying to get pregnant and that it does make you worry not knowing the other half of your genes. That you'd like to find your dad and know more about his medical and personality, if you have any half siblings, etc. That he'll never replace the dad that raised you but you would really like to search for him. Just that thinking about your future child made you think about your past and brought up questions about your biological dad.

Anyways. Thats the way I'd approach it probably.

MamaKate

Dear Laura,

I just wanted to suggest that you might wish to consider writing your Mom a note. That way there is no "confrontation" when you ask her and she is not "put on the spot".

I would begin, as another poster suggested by reassuring her of her place in your heart and life and then explain what you are asking and why you wish to know these things.

Writing a letter will give her the opportunity to think and process before she responds so that if this is a subject that upsets her, she has the opportunity to handle it in a dignified way.

I wish you the best of luck in finding the answers you are looking for. I hope that you have only positive things to find and that your own family grows happily and healthily in the near future!

jessica d

wow.. what a hand full all i got for you is dont do it with anger.

Melissa F

I have a 9 year old son who has never met his father and he is not on his birth certificate. He asks from time to time where his Dad is and I have chosen to lie to him and tell him that his father moved away before I could tell him I was pregnant and I can't seem to find him. The truth is the father said he would have gotten abortion and never wants to be a Dad. I have always wanted to spare my son that rejection. Some day I plan on telling him the truth, but I don't know how. My best advice would be that you make sure that you really want to know the answer to the question before you ask. I know a lot of women who don't have the biological father in their kids life for one reason or another. It could be like my situation or it could even be like a friend of mine that has no idea who the father is. Your Mom might have been waiting like me to have that conversation when you are ready. I believe that you have the right to know but you may not like the answer that you get. It could bring you and your mother together but also could be very painful for the both of you. Keep in mind that the truth may be very painful for your Mom and the truth might be difficult for her to tell you. I think that if you are truly ready for the answer, ask your Mom. If you express to her the feelings that you have shared here, she will more than likely be open to talking with you without feeling hurt. Whatever your Moms reason for not telling you up til now, I am willing to bet it was to protect you, not to hurt you. Let her know you understand that and that you are ready for the truth, no matter what it is.

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