Would my sons be better off? Anti-adoption ?

Jennifer L

I completely agree with you. Not every international adoption is an attempt to get a "womb wet" baby from some teenager that has been raped repeatedly and forced to give up her child.

But you'll have people throw sites at you that say that there aren't any starving or abandoned children in third world countries. So obviously, your children and mine must be figments of our imagination. Because according to this forum, they aren't REALLY abandoned, orphaned or starving.

Congratulations on being a family for one year. That year mark was a big milestone for our family. It marked the point where life (in the longer term) had begun to settle in a predictable routine: school starting, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.

ETA: Anha, look at some other questions. There are MANY people on this forum that feel ALL international adoptions are legalized child trafficking, that ALL international adoptions should be halted, that even if the situation in-country is terrible, APs should just give money and hope that the money gets to the kids that need it in time. Doesn't matter if the situation is horrific, there are people on this forum that believe that international adoption is never "right" and that international adoptive parents are "evil".

Lori A

Don't be silly. No one ever said it is better for a child to stay in this environment just to be with family. This sadly sounds like a perfect case for removal and TPR.

No they should not have to stay, reunion may be better later down the line IF they so choose, and you most certainly are not a bad person for taking in these boys who NEEDED a place to be safe and loved.

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

Time and time again questions such as these are asked, awaiting an answer from those who are anti-adoption. People here are not anti-adoption, we are pro-reform. I have NEVER heard anyone on this board who would say that it is better for a child to stay in an abusive environment. Of course, this was a necessary adoption. I can't imagine you will get anyone who will say you are wrong in this situation.

No, you are not an evil person. Most of us who adopt are not. That does not negate the fact that there are those who go into an adoption with nothing more than the expectation of getting themselves a baby at all cost. Those are the adoption that people here are against in one form or another.

ETA: Good for him, you and your wife must be doing a wonderful job with them. You are all lucky to have each other!

Anha S

I dont think I've seen even one person on this site who is considered to be "anti adoption" say that children who are in a legitimately awful situation should have to stay there. If it has been said, point me in the direction, because I must have missed something major.

Children from abusive situations fall under the necessary adoption umbrella, and I've never seen anyone say otherwise.

ETA I'll spend some time reading today then methinks.

yeahright

No, not at all. You are doing the right human and humane thing by parenting.

Opedial

I also adopted children from abusive/neglectful situations. And no one states that this is a bad thing. What we are learning though is that even these children will want to know about their origins, and may choose reunification.

When people are "anti" adoption as you say, they are against adoption as a money making machine, and against coercion of women to give up their children just to satisfy the needs of another.

No our children would not be better off in their old homes, BUT we have to respect them and their processing of feelings and allow them to feel however they want to feel about their life, including inclusion later on of the parents who did in fact abuse them.

Mei-Ling

I do not recall ever stating that a child should stay in an abusive/neglectful home over being in an orphanage. NEVER.

Of course, if you DO recall such a statement, by all means point me to it.

I actually strongly disagree with those who say guardianship is the answer to parents who are abusive. Recognizing these mentally ill parents (who abuse/neglect) is one thing; getting them to seek help is another thing entirely.

myst1998

Of course you are not evil... you adopted out of love and with a desire to help these children.

I am one of these anti adoption people who has been seriously hurt by adoption and have a hang up with the word. The act of helping children and giving them a home with stability and love however is an entirely different thing and that is NEVER evil.

I guess what I am anti about is unethical practises that seek to separate a mother and her child unnecessarily; in your case with your children, they had already suffered a loss and that is the love they should have received from their mother rather than the abuse they got...

So, no, you are far from evil.

Independ"ant"

No you are not evil......but once again try to look away from your personal experience and look at the big picture. Can you honestly say just because you decided to help children find a home that needed one is the same for all going into adoption especially when the majority are looking for "healthy and white as possible" babies and toddlers at any or anyone elses expense.

There is a reason why the children with disabilities are aging out in the system all over the world and there are Paps sitting on the wait list for healthy babies to "appear out of thin air". Its not because of altruism.

Felicita1

I personally don't see the necessity to adopt a child in order to remove them from an abusive situation and provide them with an alternative *permanent* family environment. Adoption isn't necessary, to be frank, as adoption is constituted in many places legally. It is a bad fit.

Adoption law was refined in the 20th century to meet the wants of people adopting babies from birth who wanted everything including birth records that stated that they themselves gave birth to the child with the original records sealed shut permanently. That is why the falsified ABC's and sealed OBC's. The whole family relationship then goes on to depend on this legal fiction, all of which is not necessary in order to take in, care for, and love someone else's child.

No-one who is antiadoption (and yes, I am antiadoption) would discredit you or do anything other than respect and honor you for rescuing those children and provide them with a home. At the same time, it was not necessary to falsify their birth records and seal up the originals from them in order to do what you had to do. Nor was it necessary to create the "legal fiction" that you and your wife gave birth to them. That is where we differ: the legal "as if born to" principles that erases identities and forges non-existent births.

That is the difference. Many people have the idea that permanent substitute care for a child entails adoption. That is a Western notion based on a whole other set of legal principles..

Rowan

The ones you say are against adoption, are not really. They are against the lies that agencies have been know to say are truth. They are against young women and girls being convinced they are unable to parent due to their age or finacial status. Girls who would otherwise keep their child.

In cases like neglect and abuse, noone here would disagree with me when i say your children are better off with you.

snowwillow20

In the case of abuse or parental death then adoption is a good idea.

kateiskate

Okay...I'm an international adoptee (also a transracial adoptee) and I hate international adoption with a passion. That does not mean that I think that you are evil for adopting or that your kids would have been better off. I'm against people who adopt internationally because they want a fresh, blank infant instead of a living breathing kid who comes with baggage. I'm against our records being closed and birth certificates being amended. I'm against people not recognizing the devastation that is losing your first family, first country, culture, and language. Losing all of those things is a huge sacrifice we have to make along with often being made to feel "grateful" for being brought to America, given a home, and a family.

What I hope for you and your family, is that you recognize and respect what your boys have lost, support them when they want to reunite with their first family, do your best to make their culture available to them, and never, EVER make them feel as if they should be grateful to you for something they had no choice in.

Carnie C

No one on this forum advocates keeping children in abusive situations.

however, i understand your confusion. All too many times the phrase "adoption is horrible" is regurgitated in one form or another. All adoption is not bad / evil / horrible / unnecessary; it is a necessary in many situations.

PAPS/APS are made out to be evil people for their "greed"; some on this forum have gone so far as to assume that PAPs who want an infant are mentally ill or that adoption is a woman on woman crime.

birthmothers are made out to be victims and saints on this board. They're not bad people but i hardly believe them to be saints. When I say they're not bad people I mean that by personal experience (with my own bmom) as well as many of the bmoms on this board are articulate and respectful on this board and, while I may disagree with their opinions in some areas, I don't feel they're bad people.

Adoptees who do not fall into the category of believing their lives are lies, that their adoption was unnecessary and that they were "ripped" from their families (only to be given to rich greedy mentally ill paps) are eviscerated here.

So yes, I can completely understand your confusion here. However, as an adoptee who has visited many forums over the last nine years, I will tell you this -- take it, read it and try for a moment to put yourself in their shoes. Sometimes, you'll find that you'll respect them as a person even if you disagree with their viewpoint. I know I've softened some of my views while maintaining my own beliefs after being here. But I also know that things are not black and white, can not be forced into one of two catagories and most importantly, my opinion is MINE. I own it, I live it, I believe it....just as they do.

take what you want from this board. Be honest and speak your opinion but do it respectfully. You're welcome to disregard those who are disrespectful or are so far off to one side that they can't see anything beyond that.

Kirstie B

UNICEF does a lot of good in this world. As to the government ... well, I don't know how much good they do, but the workers are often doing what they can with minimal resources.

You are NOT an evil person - you are a saint for taking these boys in and giving them a loving home. To reunite them with their obviously abusive birthmother would have been the evil thing. As for their own culture - as you said, the majority are dead by 25 if they aren't adopted. You are giving them a chance at life and in a country with more opportunities.

Randy B

I agree, they are much better off with you and you are both to be commended for making the commitment to better their lives, care for them responsibly and love them forever.

At the same time though, I notice the normal members who state things like "All international adoptions should be banned" and "Taking children away from their culture, language and heritage is wrong" are staying quiet and not posting. Funny how that is eh?

kidmindi

Your sons are much better off with you. Do'nt let any of the anti adoption nuts make you 2nd guess your decisions.

Had they stayed in their own culture or went back to their birthmom, most likley they would never get a chance at a decent life. Now they have that. Sometimes adoption is the best option.

cmc

I agree with your point, and hope your children continue to do well in your family. I am very pro-adoption, although I think corruption and coercion need to be eliminated. I'm sorry your kids had such a rough start and am glad they found a place with you.

2275c

Is this a joke? are YOU evil because you adopted them and gave them a good home?? Are you kidding? I hope their birth mother was given the death penalty.

Indian-vision

Ofcourse what you did was right and no one can dispute that. People over here who absolutely HATE all International adoptions do not know the reality in these places.

mom to be

I am not anti-adoption, I think you did the right thing by bringing your children into your family. People here think every international adoption involves infants that were stolen from their parents. That is not the case, there are many older children adopted internationally. My husband and I are adopting 2 pre teen boys from central America. They have lived in an orphanage most of their lives, (they were left by their parents on the streets) they are considered the lucky children in their country because the do not live in the garbage dump at the edge of town, where many of their peers live. I also asked if they were better off there or here with my family. Granted we do not speak Spanish, but we are learning it. I am learning as much about their country and culture as I can. How can any one perceive helping children wrong?

reneehubner

I imagine it is hard to parent children with the issues you are dealing with. My guess would be that they have reactive attachment disorder. Which means that they do absolutely everything to get a reaction good or bad from you and everyone around them. With their history it is very hard for them to trust parents even ones who seem good. They will do everything they can to prove that you will hurt them to in the end. Don't give up! Keep on holding them and being consistent. You also need to have some breaks away from them to get your mind back to a good place. If you can try to have someone take them for a weekend. Read books about Attachment Issues and Reactive Attachment Disorder. Talk to other adoptive parents. Ask for help if you feel like you are going over the edge with their behaviors.

Roe vs.wade supporter

2275c: so all mother who give their babies up for adoption should be given the death penalty. how evil of you to think of that. what about a mother who was raped. the mority of them refuse to keep the baby.

and dont let people brainwash you into believing adoption isnt necessary. its is in many cases, when it comes to whats best for the child.

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