Your judgments/perception of a woman who gives her baby up?

sunny

I'm really sorry that your Dad isn't more supportive. In any case, he's wrong.

What you probably don't realize now is that what will be more important to you after you give your child up to be raised by strangers, is others opinions won't matter nearly as much as your own.

I think you will be very, very regretful in the most profound way, and there will be no relief from that agony. Ever.

My mother gave me up for adoption more than 40 years ago. She, unlike you, had MANY more obstacles to overcome--social stigma, no social services, no child support, no DNA test to prove paternity, etc

And don't forget about your child. They may never understand why you would give them away.

Your baby needs you, please don't believe that s/he would be better off with a "couple". It's not true.

The best place for your baby is with YOU.

magic pointe shoes

Oh my, all these answers are based on the idea of you before you relinquish your child for adoption.

Truth is, when I think of women who are considering relinquishment, I think of someone who has hit one of the lowest points in their lives. The point where they have to consider leaving their child aside to try and survive without that child. The self esteem being so low that they don't see their own value and worth to their child, and think that other people are better for their child than themselves. Truthfully, when I think about women like you who are considering relinquishment, it makes me very sad and empathetic because I was once there too.

Realize that people say the cruelest things about women who relinquish. No amount of good deed for our children will convince people that what you are doing is abandoning your child and giving up on them because they aren't worth it. These opinions are overwhelming, and they aren't ignored because deep down in the middle of all the grief of relinquishment, it is true... just as true as all of the feelings of doing the right thing, the feeling of doing the wrong thing is there.

Everyone will judge you, and anyone saying they won't isn't being honest. UGLY hurtful things are said, and they are said while you are grieving.

tish_part deux

my feelings:
1) there's no way to guarantee what kind of life your child will have.
2) i actually feel bad for fmothers who feel that they have no other option then to breed for others.
3) people most likely will think of you as "selfless" and "loving" while pregnant; and "irresponsible" and an "abandoner" after you place your baby.

bottom line: (newborn, infant) adoption is an unnatural process that's based on human greed, entitlement and misery.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

Well.. there are several stereotypes that women face when they put their babies up for adoption.

SOME people label first-mothers as Crack-hos, abandoners, people who just didn't want to be bothered with a child, etc.. I hope and pray that if you do put your baby for adoption that you never face that kind of attitude from anyone.. it's heartless, untrue, and ignorant. I personally NEVER thought that about women who give their babies up for adoption.

I DID used to kind of have a slightly ignorant stereotype when I didn't know better. I thought women who gave their babies up were mostly young teens in a sticky situation who maybe made a mistake and were trying to make the best of it. I never thought they were bad people.. in fact I thought they were making the "loving choice." (versus abortion) I thought it was a win-win-win for the woman, baby, and adoptive parents.. I now know this is not true.. it's NOT a win for the first mother, or much of a win for the adoptee.. I was ignorant.

So, that's how I judged/perceived first-mothers, and I think it's a rather common way that most of society looks at them.

I have some advice for you in your situation

#1.. don't worry about what people may think of you. There's ignorant people out there..

#2. Before you decide to go for adoption, research all the MULTITUDE of services available to help you parent your child. Being young, single, even poor, are TEMPORARY things. Do you REALLY need a permanent solution to them?

#3. Please avoid putting yourself in any situation where you will not be free (or FEEL 100% free) to change your mind. This means (surprisingly) avoiding pre-birth matching. WAIT till you have this baby in your arms have some time with him/her, and THEN decide if you really want to pursue adoption. Trust me, if you DO, it wont' be hard to find a couple.. there's no rush.. Avoid agencies that are making money by finding babies for couples who want to adopt. They will do what they can to make sure you DON'T change your mind. Stay far away from ANYONE who will pressure you to relinquish or "not change your mind." This means most agencies.

#4. You think your baby needs a dad? It's true fathers are important in a child's life. But keep in mind, you may not be single for ever, and adoptive couples are no more immune from the 50% divorce ratio than any other family.

Young people can make great parents! And being young is EXTREMELY temporary anyway. You can make a perfectly great mother for YOUR baby.. Think about it.

NO one can tell you what is right for YOU, YOUR baby, and YOUR situation. This is a decision you have to make for yourself, PLEASE don't let anyone else influence it.

Not Adopted

Get ready for your lifetime membership in the most unpopular, hated club on the planet!

People will treat you like garbage for the rest of your life. Oh sure, to your face they will say adoption is "loving" and you are so "selfless." Behind your back (sometimes even to your face) they will say, "I could NEVER give away MY baby, what a heartless, selfish abandoner. She probably gave the baby away so she could party and run around."

Others will think the baby was taken from you by the state due to neglect, abuse, or drugs. They will automatically assume there must be something wrong with you and that you were a terrible mother.

Join this club at your own peril.

23 year old texas female married

It depends. If you told me it was 100% your decision I would accept that at face value. If you told me that other people told you that a baby deserves a 2 parent family I would be hurt and angry for you and encourage you to do everything in your power to get your baby back.

My mom married my dad and they were divorced by the time I was 8 years old. And they should have divorced years earlier. They were married for 10 years and 10 months.

Do I think married couples make better parents? No personally I don't. Do I think single parents make better parents? No, I think people that put there kids needs first are great parents.

Personally if you were my friend and you relinquished I would remember. And the next time you got pregnant I would wonder if you planned on keeping the new one. And if you did why. I would be curious. In my religion beliefs I do not believe in judging without myself getting judged.

Babies want their mother. My newborn daughter gives her father and grandmother Hell while I am at work. And is a little angel for me so I don't know what they are talking about. But both of them have handed her to me when I walked into the door and said "Here you go."

Sly

They will tell you that you are strong, that you are brave, that you are a selfless angel to do that, but they will distance themselves from you because the idea of surrendering a child makes them uncomfortable. Believe me, they will NOT forget and they will, as you say, look at you differently forever. It will get worse as the years pass. All you have to do is read the answers on here to see what they really think of women who surrender. They skirt the issue, and politely say all the official party line crap about the heroic thing, but when they are pushed just a little they will throw it all back in your face. Forget it if you feel regret! The superficial answer is always polite, but don't press your luck.

More importantly, what do YOU think of yourself? I can promise you that YOU will not forget in 6 months, or in 6 years, or in 60 years. I have lived the loss for over 40 years now and I can tell you from experience that it only gets worse with time. What you are considering is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You will not always be in whatever predicament you are in now, and your fortunes, your age, your financial situation will change, but the loss to adoption is forever. It is not just you that loses, either. Your child does.

You owe no one your child. There is help and resources available. Whatever you think now, please wait until after your child is born to make a final decision. Do NOT allow anyone to pressure you. You have time; there are resources; there is help. This is YOUR decision; not someone else's and it should be based on what YOU believe, not others. Good luck to you.

Heather B

I think its really sad when a mother and child are separated, particularly as there are no guarantees that a 'couple' would be better or that they would stay married - only 16% of adopted people are raised by a two-parent family in contrast to 24% of non adoptees.

If it was a friend or family member of mine, I would do anything in my power to assist, support and help with keeping mother and baby together. Adoption is, after all, a permanent solution to what is probably a temporary situation.

If you read resolved questions here you will probably see the contempt that natural parents are met with (AFTER the adoption is final). People only praise you and call you a selfless angel BEFORE the papers are signed!

Perhaps you'd take the time to read the following pamphlet written by mothers who have been in your shoes before:
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1

Lori A

Here is something I kept because I feel it is important. You may want to check the date on this. My daughters adoption was 36 years ago. We have been in reunion for over 9 years and I still get crap from people who find out that I am "one of those mothers".

http://dnadiaries.blogspot.com/2009_02_01_archive.html

Your dad is wrong, trust me. This is toooo juicy to forget.

myst1998

Personally, I don't understand women who give up their children willingly and happily.

I also challenge the view you hold as to why you think your child is better off alienated from his/her family, roots, ancestry, heritage with those who are physical, spiritual, emotional strangers to him/her. Take the money out of the equation, age etc, I think you really need to do some proper soul searching and don't fall for the crap you will be fed by the industry who just want your baby to make a profit from.

Adoption is NOT in the best interests where there is a mother capable of caring for her own child, ie. no abuse etc. Your child has a mother, YOU. And that can never be changed regardless of how it is presented by society or the industry itself.

ms holli

If their intentions were good, they were doing it for the right reasons then I would think it's wonderful, if they simply just didn't love their child and really wanted nothing to do with them, I may think different about them, but in the end it's your choice and really no body else's business why or what you did, Best luck

MegaBeth

Please don't worry as much about what people will think of you, and worry about what is going to be best for your baby. Obviously you doubt that you can give her the life you feel she deserves, and for that presence of mind and responsibility I say bravo! People will probably never "forget," and I'm certain there will be some who will think negatively of you, but you can't allow their perception cause you to make a decision that will have a negative impact on yours and your baby's lives.

If one of my female friends made this decision, I would make her talk about it until she was blue in the face, to make sure that she is doing it for the right reasons and it won't be a decision she'll regret later. The important thing is, no matter what she decided, I would stand by her decision and do everything in my power to support her and remind her that it is HER decision. The only people who have to live with the choices you make are you, your child, and the possible adoptive parents of that child. Think of what would benefit those people the most.

Best of luck, and be strong!

xlinzx88x

If (hypothetically) my sister were to get pregnant and give away the baby based on the fact that she wants the baby to be raised with a couple; I'd be pissed. I don't think its admirable to give a baby up for such a silly reason. Many mothers are raising their children by themselves and I'm sure their children appreciate them much more for it. I don't see how anyone would forget about your baby within 6 months, my ex coworkers still ask about my son on a monthly basis after 1 year and I don't even bring him up.

JAKE

I think if you feel this is the best thing for your child then you are right that is what a parent does put the welfare of the child first. But you must make sure this is what you want to do, no one else will have deal with it but you make sure this is right for you. People are always gonna talk so close your ears and don't worry about the gossip .
P.S.S. I am a female

Teresa

Hi! My answer is from my recent experience. I'm 19 and I gave up my son April 17th last year... because of this I have lost all my family and friends. And no I'm not exaggerating. But I still don't regret it. I did it because I loved him and he needed to be with someone older & a couple, like how you feel. It sounds like you have support, so all I can say is this... if you have friends & family backing you up, who cares what anyone else thinks... as long as you have a few loves ones who respect your wishes. Thats all I asked for, but I don't have it. But hopefully you will. I'll be the most horrible pain emotionally, that you could ever imagine. But if you truthly think that this is what is good for your baby, then do it. Love is not selfish.

kidmindi

Would I judge a woman badly for surrendering her child to adoption. No. But that is because adoption is such a part of my life. I am adopted and in reunion with my first mom. I have an adopted daughter and our adoption is very open and I consider her first mom a friend/family member. (Her first mom refers to me as a big sister god forgot to give her)

However, people who have never delt with adoption may wonder why you made the decision you did. Most likely it will be translated "How could you give up your baby. I could never do that"

So what you do, is have an answer prepared. Something like this " I chose adoption for my child because (list several of your reasons) I love my child and it was a hard decision but in the end I decided that was what was best for him/her"

If anyone has anything nasty to say to you, or treats you badly, then they aren't a true friend and you don't need them. As for those ppl, who needs them. Find people in your world who love and support you (weather they agree with your decision or not).

Gemma L

I don't mind. Sometimes it's the right thing to do. Although, I don't think your right. My Mom is a single Mom (my Dad died when I was about 3 or 4 years old) and she is amazing, I could never ask for anyone better and I swear I never will. So your wrong.
God bless you all
~â™¥â™¥â™¥â™¥~!!!!

Ranchmom1

My mom allowed me to be adopted. I think she made the right decision at the time. In general, most people don't spend a lot of time thinking about or worrying about other people - much less time than we imagine they do, so I wouldn't make that the basis of the decision.

I hope you will choose an open adoption so you and your child continue to know each other. Having that blank wall in my past growing up was probably the hardest thing about being in a closed adoption. I know my birth family now.

Sophie

Truthfully, I am not sure. I view my son's biological mother as a member of my family who made her decision as best as she could at the time. I respect her for that even though I do not know her. However, I do look forward to the day we do meet.

Since I really don't know any other women (personally) that have given their child up for adoption, I can't tell you how I'd feel about them in the long run.

People don't forget things in 6 months. If they know, they will always know... and they may tell others who in turn will also always know. I think your decision should be in the best interest of the child and not yourself.

Take care.

openheaven

First of all, I want to honor you for not chosing abortion and ending the child's life. It takes courage to take a pregnancy through for nine months and I honor you for that. The very fact that you value that child's life is so wonderful.

I have a relative that was an unwed mother who gave her baby for adoption. I look at it as a positive experience. She did what was best for the child and made a childless couple very happy. It was an open adoption, so we still have contact with the child, and consider him part of the family and sometimes him and the adoptive family come over for Christmas. No, I don't look at her any differently, my perception is that she just made the best of a difficult situation. I believe adoption is an honorable option whether it is a closed or open adoption, and I wouldn't look down on anyone who didn't have the child. I would respect them for trying to do what was best for them and the child.

vavoom74

Personally, I would never judge anyone on any choice they made. You are going to have to make a choice you can live with. Just make sure that your get all (and I mean all) of the information that is provided for you. Then It would not hurt to go seek out a social service worker, they can really do work some magic.

The only issue I see that is really bothering you is, why do you care what other people think about you? This is your life not theirs. As far as what "others" might think about the choice you make, it is not their concern. God gave us free will to choose for our own lives, not anyone else. Good Luck! and Grab those resources.

Izzy

You have my respect because you chose not to have an abortion. If you feel you cant provide for your child, adoption is the best choice. Any way you go, I would respect you.

red elephants

One of my very good friends placed her son nearly 14 years ago. I met her around 2 years ago and just found out recently (she actually thought I already knew). I don't think any less of her. I didn't know her at the time but from what she has said it was the right choice and she doesn't regret it. I would never judge her for doing what she thought was best. She is a fantastic person who is endlessly trying to help people and animals. She is open and honest about her choice.

My perception of her is that at that point in her life she wasn't prepared to be a mother. She made a very difficult decision because she thought her son would be in a better situation with someone else. She has grown up since, gotten her life together and become a wonderful person who plans on adopting herself from foster care.

Some people may judge you for your choice but that is life in general. We can never make everyone happy and no mater what decision we make (on anything) someone is always going to have an opinion. People may forget or it will just become an afterthought. When I think of my friend or am out with her I don't think "omg she gave up her only son!" I don't think about it at all really unless I'm in here or a particular conversation brings it up. Its an after thought. So yes people may forget. In 6 months? who knows. You need to make this decision for yourself and how you feel. Not on what you think others will think of you. Its none of their business.

sizesmith

I think the opion is more of feeling sorry than any resentment or hate. Each case is different on first moms. There are some that lose their children to CPS that choose to stay addicted, and they're neglectful and physically abusive. Those, even though I think they need mental help, I don't have much sympathy for, especially compared to the little lives they destroy.

On the other hand, the woman who placed her baby with me is my hero. She did something that I'd never be able to do. She made some horrid mistakes, like taking a dose of meth the day he was born, but she also had taken the responsibility of getting to know us to make sure she knew he'd be in the right home and be loved. She has said so before and after his birth.

My best friend and my mother-in-law placed babies years ago, when that was a young woman's only option except for marrying the father. These two women are stand-up fighters for charities, they are wonderful women to be friends and related to, and I knew both of them pretty good before I ever found out about the adoption situations. There are so many things I see similar in the two of them, and so many things different, like hobbies. Both went on to have 3 more children later in life, and both are terrific mothers. There is not one way that finding this information out that made me think any differently of them. Neither had told me about it until I was adopting my own son.

People don't totally forget. People do stop remembering all the time. It's kind of like if you get into a car wreck. (Sorry but this is the only comparision I can think of right now). While your eyes are still black from the wreck, people ask. As they fade, people realize that it upsets you and they quit asking. Within 6 months to a year, you've got new memories to think about, and although you never forget you were in a wreck, it's just no longer mentioned and there's no evidence of anything around.

It's a position I wouldn't want to be in, nor would I want anyone to be in, but in the event that you feel you can take care of your child 100%, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially, and you think that the child would be better off somewhere, I urge you to place him/her out to someone who will actually honor open adoption. Remember your rights, like you can visit their home, see a copy of their home study, get a photocopy of their driver's license so you can always fiind out where they move to, and make them take a lie detector test to make sure they will honor open adoption. Even if you think you don't want open adoption, find out what his/her name will be, and ask for it. Once the adoption takes place, you can't change your mind (except for the first few days of signing, depending on state law.

TerraMere

I am an adoptive mother and through the process of adoption have gained a great deal of respect and compassion for first moms. I have a great deal of affection for my son's first mom. Prior to going through the adoption process I was pragmatic about it and just assumed first mom's had one reason or another that prevented them from being able to raise a child. I didn't necessarily view them as better or worse of them for it. I didn't have a close personal relationship with any first moms at that point. Now I have a better appreciation of the difficult personal aspect of placing a child for adoption that first moms in most cases deal with.

I think like many things there can be a spectrum of options that people have on placing a child...just read the opinions here on Yahoo Answers..but what is most important is doing what is right for you in your life and your baby. That could be parenting or placing for adoption only you truly know. Make sure you are not being pushed into something by your family or others. You need to do what you want to do in your heart of hearts. Adoption and parenthood are for a lifetime so your need to think about it very seriously and do what YOU believe is best. Other people may judge you either way you go but what is most important is that you have really considered all angles and are doing what you believe is the right thing for you and your baby. You have to be accountable to yourself for your decision (and if you believe in God, him too) and let the rest go. Letting other people's (especially those your don't even know or who don't care about you) opinions dictate your decisions or the way you feel about yourself is a very tough way to live.

All the best with your decision. God bless.

Melissa Swan

I dont think theres anything wrong with it. Its often a wonderful thing the birth mother does, putting aside her own feelings, to give the child a better life. Its a great sacrifice. Even if the birth mother didnt want the baby and doesnt feel loss, its still not a bad thing.
Ignore anyone who thinks less of you, they're not in your shoes.

Gregory

I think that a woman who gives up her baby so that it will have a better life is to be admired. It tells me that she is thinking of the child first. It is a difficult thing to do, but you accomplish 2 things: you give the child a better life than you can provide and also you give a gift to the adopting parents. I was adopted, and I also adopted a daughter so I have seen it from both sides. Good luck!

dsj312

I think ultimately, people will wonder why you decided to give your baby up for adoption, and if it was for a good reason, then maybe they will be more accepting, if it is because you are too irresponsible to take care of your child or if you just don't want it, then I would think people would look down upon you. I personally would never be able to give up my child, but each person has their own reasons for

annie

People are going to have a problem no matter what you do. You are already having the baby so people will bother you for keeping it as much as placing it up for adoption. Please do what YOU think is best and don't base you choice on what others think.
I think it takes a lot of strength to place a baby up for adoption. Think of all the people who take the easy way out (abortion and dumping it with family) and think of what it must have taken to love a child so much to go through all that pain for them and still put them before yourself. But that's just me talking.

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