"Adopters".. should we be able to request what to be called?

Angela R

I agree with Jennifer L. There does seem to be a double standard on this forum.
Although I personally don't find the term "birth-mother" offensive, I avoid using that term (even though it is a very regularly used term) because many first/ natural mothers on here do find it offensive, and it's a regular topic on here. I don't think it's too nuch to ask for the same respect to be given to adoptive parents. I think the list of "not so nice" abbreviations just suggested by another poster shows that on this forum certain terms ARE used to put down or irritate others.

I think a lot of really important issues are discussed on here, but it's often over shadowed by childish attempts to put down each other. I think people on all sides of the issues would have a better chance of getting their point across if they showed more respect to those on all sides of adoption, and this includes something as simple as terms we use to describe each other. I don't mind "adopter" if used in a legal sense, but I do mind if it's meant to deminish my role as a parent.

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkidsâ™¥â™¥

Everyone has the right to define themselves as they wish. I'm just a mum, I don't care what anyone else calls me and I don't take offense if someone calls me something different. There's bigger things in life to worry about.

Jennifer L

I do get your point here. It's another example of the double standard on this forum. Adoptees or first mothers can give their opinions on the name game, but not adoptive parents. So, I'm with you.

I personally don't like "adopter". Yes, I realize it's a legal term in some places. But on this forum, it's most often not used in that context.

In a format where I need to specify, I prefer adoptive parent. In the other 99% of my life where I don't need to specify, I prefer Mom, mother, mommy or mama.

Marie C

I am an adoptive parent to three daughters from China. When we speak about their parents in China, we call them "parents," or "mother and father." They regard both their mother and me as mothers. The only time we use a term other than "mother" is to explain WHICH parent they are talking about. For example, if they making a comment about their other mother to a teacher, they might call her "My Chinese mother." But in our family, she is their mother.

As far as being called "adopter," if they were calling me that to distinguish me from their Chinese mother, I'd be okay with it. The names don't really matter to me. I love them with all my heart and soul, regardless of what I am called.

Heather B

You can call yourself whatever you like

'Adopter' is a term regularly used here in the UK. There is no malice intended by it's use and no adopters here has a problem with it.

I've been told not to use the term 'natural mother' or 'reunion' but I prefer to define my own experiences in life

MamaKate

I can't help but wonder if Yahoo's spell check suggestions might be part of the reason you see that term used here so frequently. Just a thought...

Laurel J

I believe we all have a right to be called what we want to be called.

Words matter. Words hurt.

Opedial

I do think some people use the term "adoptors" as a negative, but for some it is just the fact that we are adoptive parents of adoptees, thus the adopters.

I was an adopter when my children were adopted, and now I am just mom.

I do think there are huge differences between this and the struggle with the term "birthmother", and other terms which have been used to label and discredit First mothers role in children's lives.

For me as an adoptive parent, if someone wants to call me anything, fine, because I am NOT losing anything in the adoption process, I have gained children, so I am the last person who should be talking about how they feel about everything such as labels.

But I will credit that some days I get annoyed at everything on Yahoo Answers, but in reality the only people's opinion who matter to me our my children;s.

monkeykitty83

I think everyone has the right to object to terms they consider offensive, and to suggest alternatives.

That said, I also think sometimes we must pick our battles, and let the small things slide in favour of discussing the larger issues.

cantstopLinnyG

I call my adopters Mom and Dad. Because they are my Mom and Dad even though they adopted me.

Which would you prefer?

Adopter (since their child is the Adoptee)
BUTP (Born under their heart parent)
RMOP (real Mom on paper)
PBL (parents by law)
ARENTS (adoptive parents)

grapesgum

Yes, you should be able to request that. I used "adopter" on a US forum without realizing that it was offensive in the US. I no longer use the term on US forums. I also do not use the abbreviation "AP" either because (adoptive) parents here felt it was unfair to ask adoptive parents not to use "BM" (or our "BM" - there's a thought) but they had to look at "AP" all of the time. I can do that.

Cam

Personally I don't care how a bunch of strangers on Y!A choose to refer to adoptive parents. And I agree that the whole name thing is immature and a petty way to attack others here. (I'm not referring to this particular question).

ETA: To be clear...I think all terms should be acceptable here. Everyone has their own ideas and experience and should have the right to define terms in their own personal way without being lectured or criticized. There is no right or wrong. Just opinions. I do agree that there is an inbalance of jabs though. APs have alway been an easy target to place blame for the lives of others here that we had nothing to do with.

maybe

Aren't they called Mom and Dad?

Helena B

i call my a dad child molester, cuz thats wat he is. i call my a mum coward for doing nothing to stop it.

aloha.girl59

Sure! Request away! It doesn't mean anyone has to follow your 'rules.'

I adopted my child. That makes me an adopter. I don't have a problem with it. Who cares what someone calls me? I'm living my life; they aren't. And the reality is that I AM an adopter! Plain and simple.
I'm also a teacher because I teach.
I'm a driver because I drive.
I'm a baker because I bake.

I personally don't see anything offensive in it. I DO, however, find the term "birth mother" to be offensive. I never use that term to describe my son's first mother because I think it's disrespectful. I try to respect others' points of view and 'birth mother' is seen as a disrespectful term here (I can understand why). I don't, however, see 'adopter' as disrespectful. Maybe I just have thick skin.

Philippa

In the UK "adopter" is the term that has always been used on the adoption paperwork when people are adopting a child. It is actually a legal term and social workers still use it but generally people will use the term "adoptive parent" as it's nicer. I personally prefer to use the term adoptive parents.

I don't know if the term "birth mother" is used on adoption paperwork but it certainly wasn't when my son was adopted. The paperwork clearly states that I am his mother and that's what I expect to be referred to unless clarification is needed. The only term I wont use for myself is birth mother as it is an offensive term, I didn't just give birth, and, to some extent it's a stupid term.

Jenny

answer to your question, no, and calling one an adopter is not a stab or used to demean it is what it is , maybe you are taking it personal maybe you take it personal because you truely inside dislike and are afraid of natural mothers. The term adopter is not used as a stab it is what it is and its the truth.

myst1998

Of course you can call yourself what you want. You might like to know however that the term 'adopter' is actually a real word:

This from the English Oxford Dictionary:

adopt

â€¢ verb 1 legally take (anotherâ€™s child) and bring it up as oneâ€™s own. 2 choose to take up or follow (an option or course of action). 3 Brit. choose as a candidate for office. 4 assume (an attitude or position). 5 formally approve or accept.

â€” DERIVATIVES adoptable adjective, adoptee noun, adopter noun, adoption noun.

â€” ORIGIN Latin adoptare, from optare â€˜chooseâ€™.

So whilst the WORD adopter naturally derives from the word adopt, the TERM 'birth' mother is created by the adoption industry to take away from mothers and label them as second rate citizens so you can get your knickers in a twist about it all you like; it doesn't change aything. As I have given birth, regardless of what happened to my child, Nature and thus the dictionary defines me as a mother. A person who adopts, is defined as an adopter. Take it up with Oxford if you don't like the truth.

ETA: I entered 'birthmother' into the search and guess what came up? :

Sorry, there are no results for that search.

So I guess that about sums up that one :)

IDK!!

At the end of the day, all that matters it that I'm "Mommy". THAT'S ALL that matters. Call me "Mother Dearist" and The fact is, I am MOMMY.

I'm not bothered by the terms used, but I question the intent when people use the terms they do.

I saw a post one time where some said "you may be ******** ****, but I will always be his FIRST MOTHER!"

I think of the words "Birther, Adopter, Winner, Giver, Worker" as words that describe people who have done these thing rescently. For instance a birther, makes me think of someone who just gave birth, weather or not she relinquished. Adopter, to mean, someone who rescently adopted or is still in the process of getting an adoption completely final (until the new BC arrives). Workers to me means someone who works, they may have a day off, but are still workers.

Don't let names hurt you. That's the intention and it works. The only one who matters is the one who will call you "Mommy" and his/her other family.

ETA- I can't say I even like the term "Adoptee" anymore, I avoid using it now, because t reminds me of "Birther, Adopter". Would I be a Birthee?

I was BIRTHED. My son was BIRTHED then ADOPTED. He is a person who was adopted almost 2 years ago.

Mercede's Lamp

Just knowing that inside your heart and soul that you are a mother is all that matters,not what anyone else outside your family unit says.A child as the relationship grows; as the trust,love and respect is there they will call you mum anyway.Here in the UK you would be termed as an adoptive parent,but that is the fact as it stands.

Birthers are NOT mothers

It is what it is. Like some birther above said, call it like you see it...it's not a stab. Those who birth and bolt are birthers. Those who adopt are adopters. Things get to technical around here, so don't worry about hurting other feelings or being defensive. Call 'em what they are and go about your day.

As far as anyone being araid or intimidated by birthers...HONESTLY...what is worse than an abandoner who is void of a soul? Get a grip you whacked birth vessel!!!

kateiskate

I really feel like this whole name thing is immature. So is asking tit for tat questions on yahoo answers.

Honestly? It should be up to the children to refer to their parents (all of them) by whatever titles they feel most comfortable with. The traditional titles for parents of all kinds are: Mom and Dad. Or Mother and Father. Mama and Papa, etc.

Call yourself whatever you want to call yourself. You can't expect everyone to call you what you want to be called. Don't take it personally if someone refers to adoptive parents as "adopters". Obviously they are not refering to you, because you said yourself you are not even a member of the triad. Don't take it personally unless someone is calling you out specifically. Even then it's just the internet. Who cares?

eta: um, it's immature either way. But it's really just the tit for tat question thing that is childish and immature. Like "What about me?? I'm marginalized here TOO! Listen to ME:".

Kelela

My husband and I are "Mom and Dad", the 'others' are referred to as the "donor mom" and the "alleged father(s)"

LOLOL

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