Girlfriend isnt going to press charges against rapist, i need help accepting her choice.

lippz

I feel so sorry for you both that she is a victim of such a violent and degrading offence and yourself for feeling powerless in dealing with his offence against your girlfriend.

Its easy for people to make rash unfeeling comments about your girlfriend still 'being in love' with her rapist because of a past relationship. But the chances are that the relationship had good and bad times and her mind can only focus on the good times because memories of the bad things that happened are just too painful to cope with.

My advice to you both is that you encourage and support her in contacting Rape Crisis (the number can be found on-line), they won't pressurise her to report the offence but they will listen and counsel her and yourself, and when this happens if she then decides to go to the police they will support you both through the process.

It sounds very much like she has quashed the offence in her head and this is never a good thing as ultimately it could affect her relationships in the future and the further away from the date of the offence it gets the more confident the offender becomes in thinking he has and would get away with it.

It does happen though that years after an offence of rape the offender is brought to justice.

As for the swift summary justice of 'kicking his backside and worse' that you feel like doing....trust me it would not be worth the grief you would get, as the courts would not listen to your reasoning as the justice system is there to kick ***. Support your girlfriend and offer her choices in how to deal with this crime against her. If she accepts the counselling from an organisation like Rape Crisis she will come to realise she is a victim of an offence but able to survive it, but also come to realise that this offence makes you a victim too.

Good Luck

Marvin the Martian

I sympathize. It's hard not to want to take revenge. She wants this behind her. Causing him harm could bring the police into this, she would be a logical suspect, as would you. Spend that energy in doing the things to make her feel safe.

Okay, here it is. It is her body that was violated. She has accepted that and moved on. You need to honor her wishes and let it go. If you love her, you will support her and her decision.

probablygraham

You must support her decision and never doubt her decision not to go to court.
I think you are in for a very hard time just trying to support her. Rape can be absolutely devastating for the victim and she will need you to support her with all the strength you have. Even that may not be enough.

I can understand you wanting to kill the bloke but it won't help you and would probably even alienate her towards you. Perversely, that is the way things often go.

EDIT: As an afterthought, I think you have to look long and hard at whether you trust her. If there is any doubt in your mind about whether this was rape, things may not work out and you had better sort that out with yourself before you start maybe accusing her in future. I'm not saying you will, but even the slightest doubt in your mind would be a very bad thing indeed.

Just accept her decision not to press charges. Because the culprit is an ex boyfriend your girlfriend would get a seriously hard time in court if the case even reached court. If she has learnt to live with it so must you. Just be supportive and forget revenge.

Tim M

Maybe you're not getting the whole story, let it go. It's her call.

Ian UK

With respect, if you have any kind of feelings for your girlfriend, you should be there to support her in what is her decision.

I know its easy for me to say as I'm not in your situation but I have dealt with many victims and know that the support of their loved ones means a lot.

If you decide to take things into your own hands by the use of violence or discrediting the suspect for the rape, then you yourself will be open to Police action. If you end up being taken away from your girlfriend for your intended crimes then you won't be there to support her.

Good luck.

JUAN FRAN$$$

That is a tuff one. Your best bet might be to talk to a councillor about it. Someone trained to deal with the situation you are in.
If you go to church talk to your pastor or Priest. If concerned you can go talk to a pastor from your domination in another town.
Or talk to a Priest in confessional secrecy
One advantage ot discussing it with a Catholic Priest is he will carry it to his grave if need be.

john n

Your role in your girlfriend's healing process is to support her in whatever descisions she makes. This issue is about her, not about you.
I can understand that she doesn't want to have that event re-hashed, and there's nothing worse than having a healing scab re-opened.
Beating the ex boyfriend won't do any good, it'll only make you a criminal as well.
Your girlfriend has worked hard to get to the point where she can put the rape in her past; support her and do the same.

hawtie1994

if my bf was raped by his ex and wasnt going to press charges i would tell someone and do it myself, i mean i wouldnt want to take the chance she mite do it again.bt thats just me.

Twitterer

It's best to post charges but since she's not going to try going for a long walk.

nymamiyankee

it seems like ur making it more about you and not ur girl...i think you just need to be there for her and respect her wishes..i think it more she may not want to have to relieve what happened to her..its her right to not want to press charges...i can uderstand u wanting to beat his a@@ too, i would feel that same way...what you might want to do is call the police and just find out what the statute of limitations is..if she changes her mind a week from now she may be able to press charges, but a lot of the evidence is already gone...good luck

SASH 131

I am afraid you have to respect your girlfriends decision it would be hard to go to court and go all through it again.Don,t get yourself into trouble by hitting him because this will make things worse for you and your girl especially if you get locked up.Maybe some counselling together would help,but be careful what you put on the internet as this could result in slander as he has not been found guilty,I am only trying to protect you,and hopefully your girlfriend will change her mind,and one other thing to remember is that what goes around comes around no matter how long it takes.Best wishes to you both and I hope the evil **** that did this gets his own,i'm sure he will.

Joe P

If she is ok with it maby something is wrong with this picture.Just an un biest answer dont trip.It is her call though.

tony c

as most other posters have said-it's her body and this is her decision then you have to stand by it.

BUT...

i were in your position i would question the motives behind that decision-a bit of verbal or physical abuse is one thing but you don't let someone get away with raping you just because you have "fond memories of him".-but again if you love her then support her.

but what is important on your part is if the ex starts sniffing around again nip it in the bud straight away-have a "private chat" with him letting him know that if he tries to contact your girl again the consequences will be very severe indeed (giving him a couple of digs while explaining the error of his ways wouldn't do any harm neither). if your lady finds out and takes the serious hump over it then perhaps you are better off without her-because if this happens then it would be quite obvious she still has feelings for the man and irrespective of how you feel you simply cannot have this happening.

because of the psychological damage this scroatbag did to her it is obvious your lady is too weak to take him on ( there is no way she will testify against him in court-and he knows this) so if he appears on the scene again you have to deal with it or he will think he can hit on her any time he feels like it.

while i always respect ians point of views (poster above) on this occasion while what ian says is correct-you cannot take the law into your own hands-a scumbag of this calibre (one who is prepared to rape a woman) is not likely to take any notice of threats of law action-so i support my view that on this occasion grabbing him in the early stages and letting him know his presence won't be welcome would suffice more (you don't have to hurt him-just let him know you won't mess about with him if he starts).

it's all fine and good people suggesting counselling/going to the police etc if he turns up again-but all this will do is stir things up again-easier just to get rid of him without her knowing methinks. if she is learning to deal with it-then things are best left be-your main concern is to concentrate on helping her and making sure he doesn't get the chance to have another go at her.

if he is not bothering you then leave him alone but until this happens then try to put this behind you.

and good luck.

reggie

Conviction rates for rape are disgustingly low anyway, so just go and beat the c r a p out of him,

JW.C

Get a different girlfriend. She isn't pressing charges because she still loves him.

joediamond11

I'm sorry but this may be harsh..

She doesn't want to press charge because of 'fond memories'

Then it can't really be that serious. Was it one of those hazy cloudy 'date' rapes where she led him on and then changed her mind half way through, and then cried rape afterwards?

Im sorry but if she was really raped and violated I don't honestly feel that she would still be having 'fond memories' of him.
Everyone else is focusing on the issue of conviction rates and the like, but that's not the reason why she's not pressing charges is it?

How can you still have 'fond memories' of someone who's forcibly raoed and violated your body???

I'm really sorry but something doesn't add up with her story.

ISITME - IT IS NOT MORONIC TO QUESTION THINGS, HOWEVER IT IS MORONIC TO BLINDLY ACCEPT EVERYTHING YOU ARE TOLD WITHOUT ONE WORD OF THOUGHT OR DISCUSSION.
It might not be politically correct to suggest all is not as it seems but it is still justified. There are always other aspects to things that happen.

willbill1

i think your girl still has feelings for him and u should leave her. she doesnt press charges because she doesnt want him to go to jail,(the person she has feelings for)and no u souldnt take actions in to your own, hands 2 wrongs dont make a right just leave her

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