What can I do to help my daughter?

penpallermel

I'm so sorry to hear what your daughter is going through. I was in an abusive relationship so I can relate to how terrifying it is. It sounds like she needs to press charges and get a criminal lawyer right away to make sure that he doesn't make bail. This is only temporary until a trial can be held. Is there any family she can go stay with for a while? She needs to go somewhere where he won't find her, which may mean with family far away or a local shelter. Contact your local domestic violence agency. They can provide her with financial, social, and legal resources to help her get away.

Best of luck for you, your daughter and her children. Keep me posted if you can.

sevenofus

Your daughter and your grandchildren need to be taken to a "safe shelter" right now while her abusive husband is in jail. If the local police will not help you (sometimes more common in smaller towns) than call your State Police. You may need to retain a lawyer to help you file the necessary papers, file for a restaining order, and help you keep this guy in jail. Listen to your sense of urgency in this matter. Your whole family could be in danger as well, especially if your daughter and grandchildren go to a shelter and he thinks you know where they are. File a restraining order against him as well for any family member. Believe he will follow through with his threats. A friend of my mother's went through a similar situation with her daughter. Her ex ended up murdering her new boyfriend in cold blood right in front of her and she barely missed being killed as well. Let family, friends, and neighbors know what is going on so they can help be your eyes and ears to keep watch for him when he gets out of jail. Arrest records are public information and you can find out who his judge will be. You can sometimes make a victim's impact statement in the court system. If you do move her and the kids someplace safe yourself, be extremely cautious as he may well have some friends or family watching her while he is in jail. Keep records of what he says, when he says it, what threats he makes. Let an answering machine or voice mail answer his calls so you can get any threats on record. There are women's groups organized to help women be safe. You may have to call around or ask around or do some research on line to find anyone who can help you in your area.

Ninadecaramelo

Please get her to a secure women's shelter where her identity and whereabouts are protected. Do it now, today! Don't delay. Call the women's shelter and tell them she is not safe and she needs a safe haven. Do not disclose to anyone where she lives!

There is no amount of belongings, house, or material objects that is worth your life. Leave all that behind if you have to.

While she's in a safe place, get help from a good lawyer, get help from the police. Make sure there's an order of protection for the kids. Call the public school system and document with the front office that this guy is a menace to his children. Make sure the children are escorted by school professionals. Request that! Report this guy EVERY SINGLE time he causes even the smallest infraction.

And do this. Get a detective and pay for the detective to watch him, follow him, and catch him in ANY illegal activity that can be reported to the police. If he drinks and gets in a car, call the cops. If he looks like he's scoring drugs, call the police. If he violates the order of protection, call the police. Make sure you have an order of protection for the kids. Basically, this guy needs to know that if he so much as breathes within 100 miles of your daughter and her kids, the police will be called. She can participate in a rape defense class, for self confidence to take control of her life. The police are on your side; utilize them, to the point where you are calling them every day with something to bust this guy!

Eventually the police will arrest him so many times they will start "coding" him, meaning that they'll go after him! Stay strong and keep being aggressive.

Also, if your daughter is enabling him in any way, get her into counseling. The worst thing she can do is say that he's being violent, but then agree to be with him anyway because "she loves him." So many women violate their own order of protection, and she'll never escape the madness if she participates and enables any kind of chaos by doing this.

bikkerbabeee

if you have not already filed a restraining order do so, then get some help from your local legal aid department.
other resources are available.
Try these to star with. Good luck, and keep trying.
http://kimberlychapman.com/abuse/us_abuse.html

http://www.helpfordomesticviolence.com/

http://www.abusedwomen.org/

nothing

I think everyone here on this forum will agree you've described a life threatening situation. It would be hard for anyone here to recommend a good solution since there are so many variables to consider.

One is your daughter, the victim, and whether she can afford to live by herself (adequate job, finances, etc) and also whether she wants to. Some abused spouses (sad to say) will not leave, they know the dangers but opt to take the risks and hope he one days stops, and is resistant to life saving recommendations. She has to be a willing participant in a plan to save herself.

Restraining orders are unfortunately not tank traps, and they will not stop an abusive, arrogant, dangerous spouse from violating it and coming back into the home or wherever she's at to cause more problems. So their effectiveness is limited.

Sometimes the police don't take it serious because (1) they are activing improperly and not following the laws and rules of conduct in how to handle these matters, or (2) the have tried to assist the victim but the victim continues to decline and not follow advice. They then feel it's hopeless unless the victim changes course.

If the patrol officers are not doing their job, then go higher in the chain of command, even if you have to leap up to the city counsel level to register a complaint and plea for help. Remember though, without your daughter on board, not much will ultimately happen.

And in many communities there are often victim assistance groups for women in domestic violence situations. It can be found in the phone book or a domestic violence detective in the police department or sheriffs department should be able to provide contact information.

District Attorney's offices are also resources for finding help for the abused.

But...I keep repeating....for best results, the daughter has got to be part of your partnership.

Princess B

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter, All I can think of is to pray for you, I hope it helps.
Maybe you could call one of those assosiations that protect abused women.

Carey

Wow, I'm soo very sorry. Has she gotten a restraining order (he can't be within so many miles of her or her children)?
Maybe also she should move in with some relatives like yourself for protection.

I'll definitely keep her in my prayers.

Stimpson J. Cat

Call your local battered women's shelter and ask them for advice. If there is not one in your town, check the nearest metropolitan area. The shelters have lots of experience with this stuff. Look in the front of the phone book or call the sheriff's non-emergency number and ask someone there.

X-Woman

I was going out with a stalker. Did he say to her or you that he was going to kill? Don't answer your phone first of all. If you don't have a phone that takes messages? GET ONE. The more you ignore the stalker he will start to put these threats on your phone. Save all of them and let the police hear them. And get a peace bond put out on him. And its also hard because many police officers don't consider stalking a high priority. There is also Women's Action Coalition. You did not mention where you live or i could help out more. Like one woman said." I don't know where to go now. I don't know where to run. I'm a sitting duck. Do i have to be dead before there's enough proof?"
Take Care and good luck

Sandy F

do you have pictures and stuff of her bruises and stuff that he leaves on her. have you taken her to the hospital when she gets beat on.. this is the fastest way to get things done and have proof of him doing it.. I know you said that he has already been in jail 5 times so it is best to move her and the kids home with you for a while before he does something horrible.. keep on the cops. call them every time that he has any kind of contact with her. they have to keep records of every incoming call on abuse and if it comes to it and the shelters don't have any advise for you just keep on nagging the cops they will get tired of it soon enough and do something about it.. other wise you are going to have to spend the money on a attorney.. but have the evidence in hand when you go to see him.. tape the phone calls. and everything you can think of..
hope they do something soon . she is in a very dangerous situation .. so act quickly.. just make phone calls every time he says or does anything.. keep on them

rico3151

You may need to hire private protective services. Its expensive, but what is your daughter's life and safety worth? If you did, the next time he came to her residence and entered illegally, it might be the last time it ever happens.

DC-MM

Talk to a lawyer.

mike g

restraining order, and fight in court for full custody of the kids and move.

Sherry H

Is there anyway she could stay with someone in the family?Someone out of town,out of state?Maybe with a friend?Get a restraining order,have that on record.These may sound like ideas that wont work,but anything that can add a day to her life.Even get a mean dog,and put it in the house,or outside.Something to come between her and this man.

H C

Utilize the sources available through a women's shelter. They are set up for, and have the expertise available, to deal with situations like this. You should also get a lawyer for representation; someone who knows how to use the system.

I don't know what your financial situation is,but you are her parent and you need to step in and save her. If you can help her move out of city/state than do so. If it takes moving her and the kids in with you - what are you waiting for? If you have relatives who can put her and the kids up in another part of the country while she starts over, ask them. If it takes packing up your house and moving to another state to start over with her - do it.

Your daughter is probably confused, unable to take action because she thinks noone will help her. Take charge. Parenting doesn't end when they are 18, it goes on forever.

I see you

Live with your daughter until he does something you can get him arrested for.

Perfectionist

Talk to a lawyer. They can help you greatly with your problem. Good luck and best wishes.

Terri

The police cannot stop him if he really wants a murder suicide.You must get her and the children out of town in a secure location,maybe with a relative.The same thing happened here two weeks ago.He did kill her and killed himself.The only other solution is for your husband to kill him,better him dead than her.

atiqueflorida1947

Request CNN to ventilate the true story among the people of
United States so that there will be a pressure on law enforcement
authority to over come the situations.

TDLTDL1609

I feel very sorry for you ,your daughter, and your grandchildren. If it were me I would get her out of town and contact a lawyer. I really don't have any advice for you other than that. Good luck...

rainysnana

She needs to get an order of protection(stronger than restraining order) from the courts. If not then a restraining order. A domestic violence advocate can help you with that. The advocate can also give her more pointers to help her out. You would locate one through the local courts, police or battered womens shelters.

She can ask that he not come to her home, her work and the childrens schools. With an order of protection the police are required to pick him up if he violates it. She needs to avoid any sort of communication with him, not even to talk to the children. She can ask the court to appoint someone to supervise visitation with the children where she can drop them off and not have to see him. The next would be to move and not let him know where she moved to. Also if she can afford it get a burglar system set up to where if he breaks in the alarm is sounded and the police are summoned silently.

I knew a woman who was killed by her husband, who did the same thing as hers is doing and she had refused to change her job and living space, because it was too inconvienient...now her children and grandchild don't have her in their lives.

bostonianinmo

You need two things: A good lawyer and a large gun. And be prepared to use BOTH as needed!

Have you considered hiding her away? And have you got a restraining order against this turd? The police have no say in whether one is granted and have no option but to arrest him if he violates it.

nimo22

Is there any way you can take your daughter and her children and move away? I know that's very hard because it's hard not to leave a trail somehow. Start looking on-line for resources for battered women. There are some that have ways of hiding and protecting women who are in danger from their husbands, it's almost like an underground railroad type thing. I'm not sure how to find out about this, but if you just start looking for shelters and services for battered women then somone will know something. If the cops are not taking this seriously you could also go to the local media. Often that is what it takes to get things done right. The local law enforcement will not like the bad press they will get for not protecting citizens and for allowing him to keep going free. If you don't have local media or if they don't listen, go to ABC News, NBC News, whatever it takes until you get someone to listen to you. Good Luck, I hope you can keep your family safe.

j45smutt

I am very sorry for what your daughter is going through. He is a coward and doesn't deserve to be breathing good air. I am a law enforcement officer and from our stand point there is not much we can really do. 1. First and foremost the police does not let people out of jail, a JUDGE does that. 2. Restraining orders are a waste of time and money. They are not a protection against guys like him. They are NOT an arrest warrent. 3. She will have to file charges against him and stick to them. There is a domestic violence law here in MS that says that the investigating officer WILL make an arrest if there is evidence of domestic violence. That way the battered wife doesn't have to file the charges. Most of the time she will drop them before court. Not saying your daughter will but I have seen it too many times.
My best advice to her is to get her a small handgun that she can handle and is comfortable for her and keep it near her as much as possible. Also get proficient enough with using it so she knows how to use it without thinking. A snub nose .38 would be perfect. Never put it on the night stand. Under a pillow or a, yes they make them, mattress holster. But put it somewhere out of site but still easily accessible. Make sure you check the laws in your state, however, on self defense. In MS if someone breaks into your home and you feel that your life is threatened then you may use deadly force. Simple rule here is: Better to tried by 12 than carried by 6.
I hope that things work out the best for her. Just understand that the police are probably doing all they can even though it may look to you that they are not. Like I said they are limited on what they can do and the court is the one that releases someone from jail. You may want to talk to the prosecuter that has jurisdiction over the case and explain the situation to that person. They can maybe arrange to have them held without bail till court.

novamouy17

well get a lawyer, but you should call a henderson house or madd, they may be able to help you, umm definently pray and make sure that every time he does this is documented so that you have evidence, if the police will not take you seriously then try to talk to the DA or a county commissoner. Pray Hard and a lot. You should try to get her and the kids out of the city while he is not around, and if the kids are in school make sure he nor his family have permission to get them out of school.

djmantx

I'm sure she already has a restraining order against him. How about letting her move back home for a while. I would stay on the police to make sure they do therte jobs contact a lawyer and persue legal action against the city if this continues.

Ashley Otis

Get your daughter and he children to come live with you. Restraining order..

NONAME

There are county agencies usually associated with shelters who will have advocates that will help her with filing for restraining orders if she has not done so. She should also document everything he says or does and speak with a prosecutor. After that make no further attempts to interfere with your husband doing what needs to be done. No one should have to live in fear like this. If police aren't willing or able to stop this nut then someone else needs to.

Martha A

get your daughter and kids in your home with you and your husband fast.if she wants to stay in her home get someone to stay with them.if he keeps getting to her start taking pics.have neighbors call police when he is seen in the neighborhood.i dont know why the police are treating this like they do but this is exteremly serious and dangerous.you may have to go before a judge and explain the situation to him.good luck and hang in there.

Wendy P

well, I am sorry to hear that even though you are trying to protect your Daugherty...and with all the history of his husband the police can't do anything, makes me angry that they would do something only when they receive a call and find her killed by her husband, that is really sad. I guess the only solution right now is try to move your daughter out of the state you live, I guess she can ask the court for sole custody due to all the situation ( if she hasn't yet) and then move without telling anybody where she is going. It is the best way to prevent something terrible to happen to her and her children, believe me...He is going to kill her if he finds her, when he gets out of jail he might, so please I urge you to take your daughter and grandchildren to a better place, there are sanctuaries for Domestic Violence where she can reach for help, and they will be able to relocate her.

ehatis98

well first of all can you record all that he says. or video it. then keep her near to you. so that you can react quickly to any situation. then move her and get her phone in someone elses name so she does not show up in the phone book. do the same with power bills cable connection and any other known means of finding her.

shawanda

I need help with my daughter she acking up in school talking back to me I do not no what to do or were to take her to get help somebody help me

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