Sorry this is long. It is about fighting for sole custody and I need to give adequate background. Thank you!?
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Sorry this is long. It is about fighting for sole custody and I need to give adequate background. Thank you!?
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My daughter is just over a year old. I am 31 years old. She was conceived when a condom broke just a few weeks into a casual relationship with a man I met on Match.com. (Not a thing I usually do, but it is what it is). He insisted I have an abortion but I refused. He made my life a living H#ll for the entire pregnancy and went back and forth about whether or not he wanted to sign away his rights (and have nothing to do with her, including no child support, etc.) or be her father (and pay child support and be a positive father figure in her life). I gave him the option. He waited until she was born and she was perfect and healthy before deciding to not sign his rights away and be in her life. I put my anger aside for her sake and set up twice a week visitation at my home and he agreed to pay me child support weekly. He did not want to acknowledge paternity because he said he wanted to first do a paternity test. I agreed to that (there is no question he is the father and he knows it too). The past year has been extremely chaotic. He is 40 years old but extremely irresponsible, has incredibly erratic behavior (to the point that he admitted a few times that he believes he is Bi-polar but will not seek help or diagnosis and meds because he claims he can not afford medical insurance). Lately, things have escalated between him and I. Every time he comes to visit our daughter he engages me in some kind or argument and often loses his temper to the point it frightens me (although he has never become violent nor do I believe he would ever physically harm our daughter). He strongly encouraged me to allow him to claim her on his taxes as his dependent. I refused because technically our situation does not meet the requirements and I also am afraid it would look favorably for his case if he ever decided to pursue partial custody (even though he swore he never would do so). On April 15th of this year another issue arose (he wanted me to do something else besides sign the tax paperwork and I refused. I don't want to bore you with the details but the point is it made him angry). The next day (the 16th) was his regualr visitation day. WHen he showed up ha was carrying paperwork and informed me he found a lawyer and had decided to seek partial custody of our daughter. He told me it was my own fault becasue I could have prevented it by signing the form to allow him to claim her on his taxes and abinding by a few of his other wishes. Basically, he was trying to manipulate me by threatening to try to partial custoday if I did not comply with his wishes. Since I didn't comply he is now retaliating.
Throughtout the past year, he has made NO attempt to do the paternity test or acknowledge paternity or to get himself added to her birth certificate, even though I left the door open for him. He lives with his mother and sister in a very chaotic household (both the sister and mother are bi-polar and the mother is very old and on the verge of dimentia - according to the sister). He works ridiculous hours as an auto salesman, most days 9 to 9 and has frequently missed his visitation days or asked me to change them for him, which I usually complied with because I have tried to be as flexible as possible. I do not want to keep my daughter from having a relationship with her father unless he proves to be a poor influence or is harming her. At her age now, she doesn't notice when "daddy" doesn't show up but soon she will be catching on and I do not want him to consistently disappoint her. He drinks quite a bit and lives somewhat of a party lifestyle whenever he can. He is not a "bad" person. He is just NOT a person I would ever trust to have partial custody of my baby girl. SHe is everything to me and it is my job as her mother to protect her.
I hae raised her through Attachment Parenting and I strongly believe that is why she is such a well adjusted, happy, outgoing, fearless, "easy" baby. SHe trusts that I will handle her every need since I always have. She has never spent a night away from me and I feel strongly that her being forced to do so now or any time in the near future will be seriously disruptive and traumatic for her. I am a model mother. I am a disabled verteran and can not work so I am a stay at home mother. I make all her baby foods from scratch to make sure she has the best possible, healthiest diet and for other reasons as well. She is the center of my life and she always comes first.
I need help! I am terrified that he will get some partial custody with overnight visitation. I am not just some bitter mother. I have always worked with him to foster the best relationship between him and our daughter but sharing custody when I am all she has ever known as a parental figure would be terrible for her right now!
I went to my local courthouse today and filled out the paperwork to file for sole custody. Unfortunately, the applcation costs about $250.00 and I just don't have
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that kind of money so I am applying for a fee waiver but that will take a week. I need some serious advice here. I am trying to find a good custody lawyer to take my case on a pro bono basis. I live in CT and I have heard from various reputable sources that many attorneys are now taking on extra pro bono cases as a better tax write-off since the recent tax increases. I have decided to discontinue his visitation for the time being becasue of his erratic behavior and the constant arguing that is not good for our daughter to be witnessing. I tried to set up some kind of suprevised visitation through the court but I was told that can not be done until the case is heard and that will be over a month away so I have no other options than to stop his visitation for now. It would not be safe or productive for me to allow his current visitation schedule to continue at my home.
Question 1: Does anyone have any advice for me in this situation? Am I handling this in the best possible ma
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ipi4u
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You are on the right track.
First because his name is not on the birth certificate as the father and there has not been a paternity test, he has NO legal right to the child at all.
Even though you both admit he is the father.
Second, before visitation and custody can be settled, the issue of paternity needs to be established through the court. Since your income is sensitive, you will ask the judge to make the father pay for the test at no cost to you.
Third, this is a little girl we are talking about. Giving a male the custody or overnight visitation will have to be made only after the father has shown he can properly care for the child. Therefore, a guardian ad litem should be appointed by the state to represent and monitor the child. The guardian ad lit em will speak for the best interest of the child. Sometimes this is a bitter pill to swallow but remember, it is always the best interest of the child. If you show the judge you are only concerned about the child's best interest, you will win favor with the judge and the court. Seems to me the father wants to do all this custody and paternity stuff just to have a legal tax write off!
So the guardian ad lit em will make a home study both at your home and the father's home and report to the court. The guardian ad litem will always be there to monitor the child.
Contact ACES and discuss finding a good lawyer with them. I am sure they can give you some good advice.. They get involved in a lot of custody/ child support issues all over the U.S. This is a wonderful organization at
3474 Raymont Blvd. 2nd Floor University Heights Ohio 44118
phone: 678-318-1481 website: http://childsupport-aces.org/index.php?option=com_contact&Itemid=3
You can e mail me at ipi4u@yahoo.com if you need further advice. As for child support, the father at this time is under no obligation to pay child support so you can not compel him to pay until the court order. Also once the support is ordered, you will ask for the payment to be made directly to you not through the court and you will ask for an income withholding order so that the father's employer pays you directly. That way, you always have a check coming in. Then you keep your copy of the income withholding order in case he changes jobs. You will submit it to the employer directly and they will have to cut you a check for payment monthly or bi weekly . By keeping your copy of the order, you don' t have to go back to court every time he changes jobs. I wish you and the baby luck. |
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grannynightgown
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The link will give you information on low-cost or free attorneys in your area.
http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/findlegalhelp/freehelp.cfm?id=CT
I expect that the courts will probably end up awarding you primary custody with visits by her father, at least while she's still a baby. As she gets older, the courts will probably want her to spend weekends and time during the summer with her father as well.
The courts try to do what is best for the child. Right now, that is keeping her in the only home she's ever known, with a parent who will be able to care for her without her spending twelve or more hours a day with a babysitter. However, as she gets older, and understands what is going on, it will be easier for her to switch back and forth. When she gets older she will probably be spending every other weekend and a couple of weeks in the summer with him at least.
Your best bet is probably to push the bipolar angle. You definitely want to bring up that he thinks he is mentally ill, and you may want to say something about the mother and the sister being bipolar as well. Regardless of whether or not the father is bipolar, if your daughter would be staying in a home with him and with two people who are diagnosed as mentally ill, it probably won't be the most stable environment for her.
Generally, you being unable to work would be a negative. But the fact that you are unable to work because you are a disabled veteran may cancel it out. And since your daughter is not yet in school, it may even be a positive because you can be with her all the time.
But even if everything goes your way, the father will still have visitation rights. |
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Jbug
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OK, I will do my best...I just got full custody of both my boys this last year during my divorce from a ten year marriage so I think I can help a little...
First, he cannot put her on his taxes, she must live with him 6 months out of the year to qualify. You have a lot of proof that he did not want to be apart of her life..write the dates, times and actual conversations that pertain to these matters down in a journal, this helps a lot!! Find witnesses that have heard him say these statements so it can be backed up in court (dates and times help here too). You have allowed the right for him to see her and you have done nothing wrong...you are a good mom, don't feel you have to prove it...Get a camera and set it out in the open and tape the visits when he comes...tell him that the visits will be taped and make sure to get this on audio with his approval...or just keep it running so you can get it on tape when he freaks out, it may not help in court but if he knows you have it he will back down, it's more like insurance rather than evidence....Also have someone else present when he visits to back up what the camera catches....#3 Go to the court house and see if they have a self help legal center, if not look on line for legal advice for single mothers, you can find programs that will help pay your expenses or find you a lawyer, most won't do pro bono and if you email them they won't respond...check with you social services or human services (family aid office)....they can help....Income is not a factor in custody, family values, consistency and who has been there for the child....also the baby is young and it would be rare for them to award him any custody based on your info......Good luck, check around and don't worry about him having a lawyer...just do what you can and see if you can make payments or whatever to get a lawyer yourself. Just be calm and stick to the facts, less feeling when you deal with legal matters as this really helps a lot! Just document everything, even phone calls and contacts....can't say that enough...use the video too....Good Luck and honesty is on your side, you will be OK....and so will the baby.....you have tried to do right by everything and this can't be punished, just stay on that side or things will backfire.... |
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You have angered the God
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Your best bet is to hammer the bi-polar thing. Tell them he told you he has mental issues and ask for psychological testing. You of course need a lawyer - no matter what, you must, MUST have a lawyer. |
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