A marriage ultimatum for unmotivated boyfriend?

No More

You need to see things with clear eyes. You can't go into a marriage asking a person to change who or what they are if they want to be with you. Trust me, that does not work. People seldom change, even for someone that they love.

The fact that he has not proposed and you already feel uncertain or uneasy should tell you that this is not that man for you. You are correct. You have every right to place certain expectations on your husband and on your life...

I bet this guy is a good man and if he is happy doing what he does then you should allow him to be who he is. It sounds to me like you are not the one for him and you should make that decision for him.

You can't marry a man and think you can get him to quit smoking, quit drinking, lose weight, change careers, go back to school... if a man wants to improve for his wife or his family's lot in life then it has to start with him... you can't start a marriage with pent up resentment.

I don't think you are in any place to say "I Do". You are not being a complete ****** by thinking of this, you are being smart. Just realize that you can't force a round peg into a square hole... Maybe you should move on and find a man that does not need to change to be with you.... find one that fits.

ColdHardTruth

You may not be a b*tch but your intelligence is questionable. Will a degree make him a better husband???????????? I don't get it.

Angie

I don't think you wanting a spouse with a degree makes you in any way a witch. People have personal preferences about what is important in life. It truly is important that you choose a mate that shares your same values. If lack of education is a deal breaker, then it is. It doesn't make you a bad person.

However, you're still young so I do have to say, choose the criteria carefully. There are a lot of college educated people who are horrible partners, and a lot of blue collar workers who are wonderful partners (and vice versa). You may find that by giving up this loving man that you never find true happiness with someone else.

I'd recommend making a list of ALL the qualities you want in a partner (such as work ethic, religion, how he treats you, temperament, education, etc.). Rank them according to importance. Make your decision from there.

Ol' Dirrrtty Sanchez

You don't give ultimatums to the people you love. You don't try to change a person you love into what you think they should be. If you head down this road going into a marriage, you should probably expect that marriage to end in a divorce.

If his education and his career is not good enough for you then obviously you don't love him as he is. And if you don't love him as he is, then you really don't love him.

j0e

SmartBompa

YIKES!!!! Have you been watching Oprah or listening to Gloria Steinham?? "Ultimatums" in any form are the indicator of a control freak. If you have to "alter" the person you are going to marry, then you don't yet have the right person, or you yourself are not ready to understand what true love is? And; there is absolutely nothing wrong with his having a blue collar career. Think for a moment what would happen to our society(and we are almost there)if everyone went to college to get a degree? And if that were the case(and this has happened in my generation)wouldn't entrance requirements have to be lowered? Who would cut the lawns and put roof shingles on the houses? Who would clean your suburban pool, as you shopped at the mall for the corporate Christmas party outfit? Who would prepare your sushi? Who would do your nails? Who would have the honorable job your fiance has, whereby a "tangible" product of value is produced in a factory, and destined for a consumer? Our economy is floundering now because we have spent the last 25 years "creating a generation" of college credentialed folks who feel they are entitled to a "big thinking management job", where nothing tangible is created? China is doing that for us now, and we sit here wondering where our jobs are?

If you love your fiance, be happy you have a hard working one, and realize that your feminine happiness lies in being the best and most supportive partner he could have, as opposed to the domineering wife you seem destined to become. Domineering wives end up as divorcee's. It is natures way.

I don't think it's a very good idea. He could get really offended. Also, it's not really necessary.

If he needs it for his job, for a promotion, because he doesn't like his job, then I think encouraging him to do it (not an ultimatum) would be a good idea. But if he's happy in his job, earning enough, and there are opportunities for promotions and raises, then I don't see the point of a college degree, especially if it's just any old one. Sounds like a waste of time and money.

I think it's a bit silly to just want the credit of some sort of degree before marriage - it probably won't really make a difference to the marriage, it's not like he'll take husband classes. You say he's already smart, so taking a few classes won't really change much.

True, there is a higher chance of divorce in cases where the woman is more highly qualified by the man, but statistics don't really help much when it's an individual situation...

So, unless it seems like he wants more than he's doing currently, I don't think it's a very good idea. Encourage him - you've already talked about it, if he wants to and knows you want him to then he will without too much motivation. But threatening him just for the sake of it isn't very good. I don't think it would make for a healthy start to the marriage. Even if he agrees, he might resent you for it and use to criticise or get cross with you later on.

I think you need to have this conversation with him well before you start seriously talking about marriage. It's okay to want a partner who's college-educated, with life goals that require a degree. It's not okay to push a partner who's happy with his modest ambitions to try and become someone he's not. If your guy is just on the fence, then there's no harm in giving him a little extra incentive. But if he does decide that college isn't for him, then you need to decide whether you can love and accept him anyway before either of you get too wrapped up in mutually exclusive visions of what you want your lives with each other to look like.

mommyof3

my opinion. You are crazy to think that something like that would work. If you are not in love with him for who he is and what he does then you truly should not marry him. If he WANTS to go to school, then thats his choice. It kinda sounds like you want to marry for money, yet dont want to find anyone else. Whats wrong with him going to school after you marry if he chooses to? Love him for him.. or move on.
When my husband and I got engaged he was a waiter, I knew that. He got a way better job after we were married. But I KNEW what he did when we were engaged. I would not have cared if he did that for life. I have 2 legs that work, and can get a job to help pay for things. Granted it worked out for us, but you have to love and accept him fully now.. or move on.

Nicky

If his career is going to make a difference to whether you say yes or no, be honest now so he can decide whether he wants to even ask you. Your putting conditions on your love, that may not be what he wants in a spouse. It's fine to have standards for what you want in your mate, but be honest from the start with him, so that he can decide what he wants. Having someone tell you no, your not good enough for me yet......isn't a positive response to putting yourself out to asking them to spend their life with you. Don't wait for him to ask, give him a head's up about what your expecting of your spouse. At least that way, your not wasting his time should he decide your conditions aren't acceptable. Discussing the intricacies (religion, kids, money, jobs, where you live, etc) of marriage is something that all couples (who are serious) should do before the proposal.

Future Mrs Zigler

I don't agree with you. College is for some people and not for other people.

I went to college. I have a bachelor's degree. I'm working a $10 per hour dead end job. Do I provide for my family? You bet I do.

My fiance never went to college. He's making twice as much as I do. He's going to school to be a firefighter now and when he gets a job doing that, he's going to be taking a HUGE pay cut.

Whether or not you go to college has no bearing on his ability to be a good husband or a good provider. I think that you need to get your priorities in order.

If you love the man, marry him. College degree or not!

amyhpete

Does he like working where he is? Is he maybe undecided about school and doesn't want to waste time and money on something that would be the wrong fit for him? Before seeking to be understood, seek to understand where he is coming from.

Age 24 is very young yet -- he might need more time to find himself, and whatever you decide -- to wait or not for that day -- is completely up to you.

IndyGirl

Yes. You sound like exactly what you think you sound like.
If you think your friends are saying "Poor Jessie, her man only works in the factory..." then there is something wrong with ALL OF YOU.
If he loves you, takes care of you, treats you right, and you're living a happy life then you're complaining about things that MANY OTHER women WOULDN'T.
Let the poor guy find one of those girls.
He doesn't deserve to be judged like you're judging him.
You do have the ABSOLUTE right to want what you want... go find the guy with the right kind of paperwork to satisfy your social network.
Best to you!!
xoxoxoxo

Jc J

If you love the guy then a degree won't matter..... you just want to get married cause all your firends are getting married... see the difference??

but don't worry... most of you women think like this.... what a shame.. using us guys to show off to your girlfriends..... tisk, tisk.

Spindrift

You have a very heavy hand; why are you even with him if you're so critical? And why the degree? Bill Gates did fine without one, having a degree is great but not the end of the world if you do not have one. And if he ever does propose be grateful, not censorious re his education or you will lose him to someone who will love him with or without a degree. Someone with more heart than calculation.

Mrs. Heather Schabby

I think honestly, college degrees are a complete waste of money in this day and age.

The only way I recommend anyone go to college is if their profession calls fo rit (i.e. doctor, laywer, teacher, etc) If your husband is happy working on a manufacturing line then why push him to do something else? And if you don't care that he stays on the manufacturing line then why make him waste money on a degree that's useless?

Let the man do what he's happy doing. If you don't want to accept him for who he is, leave and let him find someone who will.

Good luck.

Clementine

leave him alone. He is working, right? So he is not lazy. Not everyone's a scholar. It's good to have a trade to have something to fall back on, but it really depends where he is and what he does. He doesn't necessarily have to go back to school. He can just keep upgrading his skills through his work as he goes along. And hey, there are complete idiots out there with college degrees and university degrees, too, would you rather be with one of them just because they did go to college?

CAMS

Degrees do not change who people are. If you love him, it should not matter if he has a degree.

Happy-2

I think it may seem harsh sounding, but at least you're living in reality. You have minimum acceptable standards, and there's nothing wrong with that. I would even assert that the people who get married just hoping their partner will change are the ones making the real mistake. I think you're being true to yourself, and I applaud you. If your boyfriend doesn't follow through with improving himself, and you end up not marrying him, he will have proven that he wouldn't have been a good husband anyway.

Queen of Beer

Everyone should have a college degree - everyone! Especially in this economy. That being said, you are very young. Why the big rush to get engaged? Wait it out until he finishes his degree and then get engaged.

mem11363

As a 46 year old male who has supported his wife and 3 kids with a 4 year college degree in computer science, I totally agree with you. One reason my wife and I have had a great, wonderful marriage is money. She is very good with it, and I was fortunate enough to have a 10 year run where I earned more than twice what we spent. During that time we bought a nicer, bigger home for cash. Upgraded cars for cash. Bought half a small business for cash and invested the rest. So we have a very nice lifestyle with no debt, and no financial stress. I simply could not have done any of this without my degree.

And we did all that while my wife was a SAHM. Good luck with this. Some men are ambitious, and others are not. That doesn't mean they are lazy, they aren't. It just means they don't have a plan for advancement. If a man doesn't have that "in him", it is hard to change him.

vitalis

Nice idea, hope u don't lose him to callage girls.

blues breaker

i think i'd actually refuse the proposal until he got motivated.
some would argue that you're being petty or that if you love him, that should be enough. however, i thinks it's wise of you to be thinking of the future. look at how many marriages fail because the couple didn't think things through or do enough planning.

Longbrownhair

Hon, you are being very SMART about this! Trust me, you want to be with a man who can provide for you and your family as well as you can, so things are EQUAL.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: