Adults: Why does he act this way?

My boyfriend and I have a really rocky relationship...

Every time I want to talk about how I feel, I approach him calmly... tell him that something is bothering me (for example: I will say I wish I saw you more during the day, even though I know you're busy) he flips out and gets defensive, says hurtful things, yells at me and interrupts me.

If we are on the phone, i hang up on him. He calls back and it repeats. If we are in person, I walk away, and he gets even more mad and leaves the house or wherever we are.

Then after an hour or two of being a complete pr*ck, he texts me "i love you baby"

He also has only had 2 serious girlfriends in his life, and a daughter with one of them... but yet in his 31 years of age, I cant help but feel like he's never had to "work" on himself before.

All I know is I have been treated very well in the past by other people, and am really trying to understand why things are so different with us.

So when I tell him things that concern me, he flips out, lashes out in rage, then its almost like he thinks about it, feels bad, then needs reassurance to check if I still love him.

I gave him my whole heart... and every time these arguments happen, it chips away at my soul.

Now Im at the point of being unsure if I even want to be with him. How can he treat me that way if he loves me?

Can any of you understand why he acts this way?

iluvmyman

His anger problem is his problem not your's. He is toxic hon. *Run Away* before it gets too late. He is insecure and that also is not your problem. You don't cause him to act any way at all. He controls himself not you. I don't think it would matter what you say to him about anything personally. I think he needs mental help. It just sounds strange the way he acts. Its almost mind blowing that he is 31 and is acting this way. I don't see how this could possibly go anywhere since he doesn't respect you enough to hear what you say. But you have to sit through his wierd tantrums and insulting behavior. Seems pretty wierd and selfish. Some people just don't belong together hon plain and simple. He obviously needs a doormat and idiot to put up with his crap. I don't even know the guy and I am mad at him.

Satanic Brainsmasher

He has no social or coping skills. Do not marry that man . You will be miserable if you do.

galvanic_fantasy

Why he acts this way is anyone's guess. The real question is why do you want to stay in a relationship with someone you can't have a conversation with?

Flips out... lashes out in rage... yells at you - none of those are good indicators of someone you can have a stable, adult relationship with.

TARAJA

Everyone gave you great answers, so there's nothing more I can add....

"So when I tell him things that concern me, he flips out, lashes out in rage, then its almost like he thinks about it, feels bad, then needs reassurance to check if I still love him.

I gave him my whole heart... and every time these arguments happen, it chips away at my soul."

these words could be mine...

Good luck with whatever decision you might take.

fokker - it's an airplane!

nope - i dated a guy JUST like that..you really have to evaluate if you can live with that crap for the rest of your life - then make your decision. We cannot change people. Good luck.

Andy3k

I have a similar situation with my wife. She does not explode like your husband does but she becomes defensive and sometimes offended when I bring up an issue that suggests a need for a change. It doesn't seem logical to me.

Example: When the dishwasher says "Dirty", please put your dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink. It would make my life a little easier, requires no more effort on her part, and would even help avoid that nasty smell that she sometimes complains about when the dirty dishes sit in the sink. I think it's a win-win suggestion yet she immediately gets ticked at me for suggesting that she isn't doing her share of the chores or something like that.

The only answer I've come up with so far is to suggest a trade. There are things she wants me to do and things I want her to do. I offer: If you put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, I'll clean toilets. It's not criticism any more, it's a fair trade (in her mind). It doesn't seem fair to me that I have to always offer a trade to invoke change but I haven't found any other way of discussing issues that concern me without having a trade of some kind, whether it be monetary, a household chore, an agreement to watch a movie I'm really not interested in, or whatever. Maybe that could work for you too.

David R

You can not change anyone, they are who they are. You can tell them the things that you do not like about them but if they them self do not want to change you are fighting a loosing battle.
Personally I would say it may be time to move on and find someone that you are more compatible with. To be unhappy and fighting all the time is no way to live life and you do not need to be bringing children up in this situation as it is not a healthy one for them either. In the mean time do not have children until you can provide them with a happy stable home for both you and them.

I wish you all the best.

Good Luck!

Mrs. Me

I agree with Satanic Brainsmasher

gina

Does he show road rage? Is he always right and if anyone implies that he is wrong he immediately flies off the handle? He will never change, you have only two choices with him, leave him and don't look back or live with his childish tantrums. Look up mental health information online especially "narcissistic behavior disorder"

Richard C

Immaturity. A real relationship is in sharing and being there for someone. It's obvious he wants you there for him, but really can't be bothered with your emotions.

You are in a vicious game that you can never control...and are being manipulated every day. It is your move, now, either to accept things as they are, knowing you will be his emotional "Punching Bag" or to end this thing and find someone who will treat you with real respect.

Izzy

he obviously has personal issues. he probaly is used to having somebody to argue with all the time, not a real woman. its like a cycle that continues- somebody treated him like crap, he treats somebody like crap, and so forth. the issue now is in you. are u willing to deal with his issues? i say this all the time, " you cant change somebody, u can only change yourself" so if he doesnt wanna change, them leave him alone cause u sure as heck can not change him. some people are just stuck in their rude ways and will not change for nothing in this world

happygael

go find someone else. He is trying a great big power trip with you. You will get hurt even worse if you stay with him. There are a lot of decent guys out there. Go find one

Kaya M

Gina, you blame just him and you got some issues yourself. No one person argues by themselves or hang up the phone on themselves. You compare him to others in your past and when he doesn't measure up, you act like a spoiled brat. You mention all his faults but what about yours? You both need to sit down and talk about the goals you both are going to meet for this relationship to work. You can't ask him to do a self check if you are not going to do one.

DMac

maybe he is retarded

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