Advice for arguments with wife?

Andy3k

There is the possibility that your wife uses that tactic because a. She has low self-confidence, b. She is self-defeating (overreacts and punishes herself), or c. She has learned (possibly subconsciously) that she can get out of intense discussions by playing the pity card.

Whether it is for one of those reasons, or another reason stated by someone else, I think you need external help.

I think the best method for fixing this issue is talking her into going to see a family counselor with you. The strategy is to tell her that you have issues you need to work out and you need her help and support. It is YOU who needs the family counselor, not her, and you think she will be a big help with YOUR counseling.

In a way, it's true. The counseling IS for you. You are the one who wants to see positive change. Whether she goes or not, you should make use of family counseling. If she DOES go (to help and support you) then she will inadvertently be involved in the counseling session, which is what you really want.

Starlite

I think when she says that you should react back. Simply say that you are upset, insulted, angry etc when she says that. Tell her that when you are bothered by something or have come up with a way to improve your relationship she should take it seriously. She shouldn't be brushing you off or trying to guilt you for feeling a certain way.

BUBBAOBUBBA

As you get older, you will find it a lot easier to just have the attitude, yes dear, whatever you say dear, you are right and i am wrong dear, it will stop all kinds of disagreements, so shut up and go to sleep.

kalabalu

Just improve your relationship no need to discuss.I feel your wife doesn't want to irritate you.Love her with all your heart let it be felt and enjoyed.The silence in loving is more powerful than words can ever make sense.A touch, a smile, a kiss , a hug and ofcourse you know...

killinshel

y;all do not know how to communicate! Your bringing it to her in a way that she thinks your attacking her. You need to learn how to bring an issue to her w/o it seeming that she is a awful wife.. there is truth in the saying it isn't what you say it is how you say it. Get a book, read it, and learn how to communicate w/ her.

Mike

you sound like you are controlling and want to "form" the relationship.

my advice, treat her as a person for who she is, and you be yourself and everything will be fine.

Megg

Be serious when you confront her, tell her you want to talk about a situation and that you want to discuss it with her. You should start off with, 'You are a beautiful wife and I love and appreciate you with all my heart.' Start off with things that you could improve on, and that you are sorry that you did it.

You could then say things that you both could improve on in your relationship.

Good Luck!!!

Bs Girl

The best way to resolve a problem is to talk (not argue) Talking is a way to work out problems. Maybe suggest that you go to marriage counseling so that you can both be heard. Maybe she has things to talk about too so you could also try and ask her what would you like for us to change? But it sounds like the best way is to have a third party there so that she doesn't take it personal. Maybe even tell her that you don't mean that she is a bad wife there are just some things that you would like for you both to try so that you have a wonderful marriage not just a good marriage. Hope this helps!

Lucky Phil

She is trying to be a hard case and doesn't give a f!ck about you or your family.Sorry to put it that way but thats the truth.She intends to move on and has already made her mind up.She will not listen because she doesn't care about anything.

Gypsy Girl

I suggest marriage counseling. Perhaps you are not phrasing your concerns or suggestions in a "nice" way. Phrasing is very important. She also needs to learn how to have a discussion without having a fit. If she will not go to counseling, then perhaps you could ask her if there is anything she would like from you. That might help the discussion start off better.

silly_duck96

Maybe approach her differently. If some thing really is not worth mentioning, then don't bring it up. Maybe you do this too often? That would make her feel like a terrible wife if you are always wanting these talks.
But if not, just tell her you don't think she is a terrible wife, but you want to find a solution to this problem without her getting emotional. Just tell her you mean no harm, and are just trying to improve the relationship.
If you are insulting her cooking or cleaning I advise you not do it any more. If you don't like the way she does some thing do it yourself.

Jon's girl

sounds like your wife is in dinial, you need to sit her down and tell her to shut up and listen and if she cant do that then where is the love and understanding was she always like this? if not its obvious that she just dont caRE IF SOMETHING IS WRONG

B V

Perhaps you can try having a conversation that does not revolve only about issues that are problems.

Start the conversation with, I love when you..... or I really appreciate ......

Then get into issues that need improvement.

Markis B

just tell her your never gonna figure it out if she keeps doing this

* "Well screw it, I guess I'm just a terrible wife" = well, screw you, i ain't changing for your sorry @ss, so either you accept how i am in this relationship or kiss off!

*the Webster Reality dictionary, copyright 2009

Cerise

i do that same sort of thing when my husband wants to bring something up, because he says things in such a way that i feel he is criticising the way i am as a wife or mother, and i get really hurt about it.
then i end up having to explain that, no, its not unreasonable to be bringing this up, but you said it in such a way that it made me feel inadequate.
we have had these conversations quite a lot.
women usually think things through in their mind before they say anything, but men just spit it out, its like when they go into a shop-they just aim straight for the milk or whatever and no faffing around!!
perhaps start the next convo with something like this;
"shall we try that store instead of the usual one, see what its like?" rather than, "you shouldnt go in that one because...."
or;
"i miss you lately, can i take you to the cinema tonight?" instead of saying "you never have time for me anymore"
i hope this makes sense, sometimes we women just go on the defensive, cos we wanna feel like everything we do is the best we can, and if someone goes, hey hang on a minute, here's my view,
we think it is a complaint about us.
just try to word things different from now on and good luck.

David H

She see's your suggestions as an insult to her ability to being a well informed wife - be very careful - no man ever 'wins a battle' of this type with his wife - he may think he has but he would be wrong. She's see's you as a controlling person - and resents it. Some men/women are quite happy tripping along the path of marriage without changes and don't like or feel the need for any changes. And ofcourse it depends on what your wanting to change between the both of you - maybe its something she does'nt want to do or have any part in. (only you know that). What you see as a 'problem' (issues as you put it) between you both - your wife does'nt see it the same way as you. As you would know 'all people' are individuals and don't like bing told what to do or think and see all this as 'criticism' of them to (in this case) being a competent person in what it is your wanting to change in you marriage. Women as we men all know are 'very' complex individuals and don't think as men do - and react completely differently from what we might expect to an 'issue' that we see as no big deal. The more you 'confront' your wife with all this - the more she will get annoyed and upset - as I've said - be very careful about all this. Some people are quite OK about 'changeing things' and will disscuss all sorts of things and face these types of (issues what ever there are) some people will not - and your married to someone who won't. Go with the flow of life - let her be the person she is - or you'll regret it in the future because she will get fed up with all this........... and 'go'.

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