Am I a Bad Person/Dad?

Zana

I think you are doing the right thing by putting the breaks on her free ride. If you don't, what motivation will she ever have to get her act together?

T-baby

No you are not wrong and her mother should want to lead by example you'll need to let her be an adult, sit down with your wife tell her as the man of the house you want her to get a job and get her own spot, and she needs to get a job and contribute while she is in the house, and respect your home by coming in at a decent hour. You have to have rules you can't let her run over you.

Jack P

You are not wrong. You and your wife need to get on the same page.

Your wayward daughter may have a substance abuse problem or she just may be lazy. The adults need to lay down some rules about behavior and the consequencs for the violation of those rules. Docoment this in writing. You and wife need to work out what the consequences are for not following the rules. You need to work out a strategy for the meeting you will have with your daughter about all this.

Get her when you know she has some downtime. Maybe early in the morning. Go to her room and politely ask her to come to the kitchen table (more structured in the kitchen. Chairs are upright. Posture is more attentive), that you need to talk to her. Have all the stuff in writing in front of you. Explain that you are there to talk about her behavior in the household. Ask her to quietly listen to what you and your wife have to say. That she will have a chance to talk for herself in a little while. Describe that behavior (have it in writing) you object to and how this is affecting the household. Make sure you tell her you love her. That this is not about her but about her behavior. This is so she does not get as defensive.

You, your wife (and if the other daughter is old enought to do this, her also) will take turns doing this and personalize how it affects each of you. At the end of that, you lay our terms out. Lay them out as "choices." 'Here are your choices: You can follow these rules (hold out a paper with the rules and consequences- getting a job and contributing to the bills should be on there, as well as a deadline for getting a job) or........................(Consequences)...

This is an intervention technique. It is very effective but the adults and if possible the rest of the family have to be on the same page, and if possible in the same room. She will likely try to manipulate you (She has it easy right now. She gets to play while the rest of you pay-so she does not want it to end) by blaming others than herself, crying, trying to make you feel guilty or angry.
Keep coming back to "we just need to talk to you about your behavior, what we want you to do in the future, and the consequences. Try not to raise your voices no matter what she does (You WILL get angry and sad and scared. This is normal-if you do, just say you are angry and scared. Tell her you are scared about her future and the future of this family). Keep bringing it back to her.

As for these boyfriends or whatever, you, of course, have the right to keep strangers out of your home. Make sure you address that. Maybe she needs to get a motel or go to their places. Chances are thes "men" are living at home as well, or they would not come to her parents' place.

The next step is you enforce the rules and the consequences.

Don't threaten anything you are not willing to back up with action.

Good luck.

Jennifer L

give her 30-60 days notice, have it in writing. Shape up or ship out and change the locks on the house

Us5

Hell no!! You are totally justified in your feelings. This girl is just a USER.

INDRAG?

I take it she doesn't work? If your wife will do this, put some of her clothes on the front porch and change the locks on the doors. Tell her she can get back in when she gets a job, goes to college or BOTH, and grows up. Drastic times take drastic measures. As long as you do nothing, you ase CONTRIBUTING to her behavior, and she's going to get in worse trouble.

eagle eyes

a very serious problem in the west...i think that you should ask ur wife to advise her to mend her ways and change her life style. On the other hand you have to make ur self more patient not to be furstrated.

Shamere Y

NO oh no, you are not a bad person or dad. You are extremely right. If you feel like that talk to your wife or even better her.

Ontheotherhand

Yes, you are wrong to want her to move out so you can have peace. You SHOULD have her move out for herself. She won't grow up until she has to. Letting her free load isn't going to help her at all, unless you plan to support her until she dies of old age.You and your wife should inform the daughter that she MUST move by Feb. 1. Not ONE more day. And then, follow through. A girl nearly 20, that just lives without contributing, will keep being a slug as long as others allow it. Don't.

dagoatropper_123

no you r not a bad person she nets to grow up and act like an adult she is not setting a good example for you younger child

Vizz_up

Yep I agree with u ...........

flacadiaz4eva

if you continue to let her do it she will. i'm 22 and i'v had my OWN since i was 17. GET HER STRAIGHT!!

michelle

Unfortunatley there is usually always one in a family who is like she is. And NO you are not wrong for wanting her to get her life together and get out. The only way that is going to happen is if you tell her she has to move out on her own. You and her mom are enabling her to stay there and leach of of you. You and your wife have to do it together and tell her if she doenst get a job and start doing the things that her as an adult should do then she needs to leave. You and your wife have got to stand your ground on this though. If you both keep letting her get away with the things shes doing then shes going to continue doing them. You are the parents here not her.

totallylost

coming from a close family ties country, i dont see anything wrong with her daughter living still at that age. the fact that u have that kind of culture makes u uncomfortable having her around. why not try to talk to her mom then talk to her that will not make her feel u want her out of the house. still, good conversation will build a harmonious environment. and besides feeling bad against other person around ur house is unhealthy.

Mike M.

Part of your responsibility of parenting is to "push" you children to become responsible. 6 or 7 AM???? That would not have been allowed in my home! I started charging room and board at 18(put it into a savings account and give it to them in an emergency). When my son stopped going to work, sleeping all day, and generally being irresponsible. I told him he needed to find a new place to live. Similar thing with my daughter. Today the are self sufficient and successful (27yo and 23yo). My brother has allowed his son to do what your step-daughter is doing. His son has been in jail, won't hold a job, moves out temporarily, but always ends up back home he's 29yo and has accomplish nothing with his life and has no desire to change.

IT'S JUST ME !

Give her a deadline and make her be responsible for herself . Tell her she has till January 15 to find a job and start paying you room and board! If she knows this she will have to put forth some effort to do something !

John

The longer you put up with her the worse of a dad you are. It is time for her to be out on her own.

StraightDrive

You are not a bad person and neither is your daughter. Your culture expects children to live away from parents and it is Ok. Your resentment is not OK. When things are going as expected all of us appear to be great winners. The real test of character comes when things do not go as expected.

Did you discuss this with your wife and daughter? Do you have any clue why she is not moving out? Why is she a "leach"? All children are not alike. Some could be weak emotionally, physically or mentally. I suggest that you spend more time with your problem child and try to understand her problem. She may be emotionally insecure or she may have some psychological problem. Consult a psychiatrist if need be.

I think you and your wife have to work together to make your daughter self reliant and emotionally strong. Once she becomes strong mentally she will move out on her own. If she doesn't then she may need professional help. Don't brand her as a "leach". You have to solve her problems by being on her side and teach her how to live her life. We should accept that many problems of children are caused by parents.

I hope you will get over your resentment and look at her problems afresh and try to help her solve them. Best of luck.

dianesomeone

No you are not wrong....I am in the same situation with my step son who is 29!!!! It can be terribly disruptive and can tear you and your family apart. You have to set rules and there have to be consequences for their actions...you and your wife must be on the same page with this or nothing will change.....If you make it uncomfortable enough with expectations and rules...starting with no boyfriends at that hour and no staying out all nite, then she will move on...it's tough love but if you don't do it, all of your lives will be in ruin......good luck

liz_vanreenen

sounds like you need to spell out the rules for your step daughter and set boundaries. if she can't abide by these boundaries/rules, there have to be consequences to her lack of respect for your rules. both you and your wife have to be on the same page as far as expectations of her, and be consistent in enforcing the rules, or she will play you against each other.
you are not wrong in your feelings, you want a peaceful household where you are respected and can treat others in the house with respect.
write up the rules with your wife and set rules for your younger daughter as well, never hurts to teach them at a young age that life has certain responsibilities!
be fair, but firm, and let your step daughter know that she has choices.... and let her make them and face the consequences.

good luck!

B'zzz UP!

no your not a bad dad and your not wrong to want her out the house especially as she is contributing nothing...tell her exactly what your feeling and hopefully if she doesn't change her ways (with helping out and coming in at a reasonable time) then she will start looking for a place of her own

Annette K

please talk to your mate frist befor doing any thing on your own. tell your mate how you feel about the living space , and it sounds like your making it to easy for her to stay with you .

<33 Edward Cullen

i say that it is not wrong bc she is of age and u did urr job of raising her until she is an adult so i thik u should tell her she like might want to start looking for an apartment
hope it helped

warrior

THAT IS VERY HARD,you need to talk with your wife and get her insight on the situation, you both have to agree on what to do about it it is called tough love,sit down with the girl both of you after you have come to agreement between both of you and let her know both of you have come to changing the way things are, but remember she will get angry and say a lot of things because no body likes any body to push them out of there comfort zone, especially when you both have allowed it to happen, don't expect changes all at once, develop some house rules and chores and tell her there will be consequences, she needs goals and purpose in life for her self, always talk to her and listen to her she is a individual and a adult,both of you together and separate, AND ALWAYS REASSURE HER OF BOTH YOUR LOVE TOGETHER AND INDIVIDUALLY,be patient and under standing always, don't do any thing out of anger or desperation, be calm and loving, and even if your son is out of the house , communication is very important in this life time. no matter if your children are near or far stay a family, that is a life time job harder than anything you and your wife will go through, that is a solid foundation of your love for each other and very important,

piepiepie

You need to sit down and talk with her about why she is behaving this way as well as about her future. While 20 is legally 2 years into adulthood and many 20 year olds have discovered what they want from life, many have not and many cannot afford to live away from their families. Many are 'leeching' their way through college not because they want higher education, but simply because that's what you're supposed to do and it's easiest to do what is expected of you when you don't know what else to do! If you don't think 20 year olds in college are sneaking in drunk at 6 am, you've got to come back into contact with reality! Her behavour is age appropriate, but she does need to learn to contribute to the household.

If you call her names like 'lazy' or a 'slug', you're not helping anything and are probably contributing to her behavour. Why? Low self esteem can be one of the factors that is causing this problem in her life. While, I do agree that people need to take personal responsibility, I do recognise that being told that you're a lazy, unwanted, drama queen slug by your father (step father whatever) is infact, very hurtful. Depression and low self esteem can cause behaviour like this. You need to be there for your daughter, but you do not need to allow her to 'leech'. Build up her self confidence and let her know it's okay not to know right now, but it's not okay just to go through life like a drunken baffoon (unless of course you're Jim Morrisson) Possible family counselling might be a solution if you can't handle this on your own.

I think you might want to try some ultimatims such as "if you don't contribute to the housework, you have to move out" or try getting her to pay rent since she is an adult. Many adult children pay rent to their parents. My parents did this with my brother. He ended up getting a job and paying rent they eventually gave him the rent money back when he moved out, but it helped him learn some responsibility.

â™¥ Butterfly â™¥

I don't think you are wrong. It's hard enough to accept other people's children as equals when they are, but when they contrast so sharply, it is easy to become resentful. I would talk to the mom about her to make sure that you have her support, but it's time she moved out... At twenty years old, she clearly sees herself as an adult, as she does not abide by typical teenage rules (aka a curfew). So, as an adult, it's about time she take care of something- starting with herself. If she's in college, have her look for a dorm. If she's not, help her find a good paying job (if she doesn't already have one) and help her with the deposit and utility deposits and get her started in her new independent life... You are the parents, yes, but the entirely dependent stage of childhood pretty much ends when they are adults... If she wants to live like she has no rules, send her out to the real world so she can define her own rules...

jdchick48

you are not wrong, considering how old she is. she should be out on her own, learning the responsiblities that come with living on your own. tell her how you feel, without making her feel like you don't love her or want her around. somehow you'll have to explain how you feel, and that you think she needs to learn some responsiblitly. good luck!

panda

no you are not bad... she needs to grow up on her own terms... (like in another apartment) she need to move on now cuz that's what Americans do.... we move out you should have a talk with you wife and your step daughter and give her a goal to moving out.. she needs to be forced to make a move or she NEVER EVER We will

g4acre

your not wrong to want this,but getting your wish might be a bit harder than saying it.you say it's the love of your life(her mom) and your do know blood is thicker than water? this might make you fell a little better to know,that this laziness is not limited to your step daughter,its a big majority of that age group.its really sad,and how the he*l is going to run this country from there generation?? good luck- I think you need it.

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