Am I being unfair to my husband?

Ree

Well first of all your frustration is completey justified. However, instead of being upset you should talk with him about a resolution to the issue you are having: he is not acting responsibly and it is causing stress in your relationship.

In order to solve the overall problem I would suggest that you consider the Playstation an over and done with issue- he's already bought it and can't/won't return it so there's no point in beating a dead horse- but you should both sit down an go over an itemized budet. One that lists what each of you make and what the monthly expenses are. And then both of you should agree that any (if there is any) extra left over at the end of the month should go into a savings account which you can purchase *extras* from on the stipulation that you both make the decision to make that purchase.

A husband and wife should make decisions TOGETHER on major purchases- and if you are as strapped as it seems then even something like a Playstation should be considered a major purchase.

Valerie X

I feel that if you are helping him pay HIS child support payments and cannot afford $200 on yourself, then his wanting a Playstation 3 right now is out of the question.

morgan m

yeah well Im not married. but I am a 14 and my dad does the same thing to my mom.
It gets pretty freakin annoying,and I know she hates it.
You sound pretty responsible,and he sounds exactly like my dad,just thinking about himself twenty four seven.

â™ª â™«Jin_Jurâ™« â™¥

I don't think you are being unfair. You put in extra money that you earned towards supporting his child and he feels its ok go blow his extra money on himself. Definitely selfish of him and the fact that he won't even acknowledge it would tick me off too! You should go buy something nice for yourself too. Not as revenge but as a reward for putting up with that!

doanel

No, you are not being unfair.

Now, who's going to buy all those games for the system?

Pastor Loyd

Many men and even a few women ignorantly think that "more money" means more to spend, rather than to save or use towards paying off debt. And that spending is often for "toys".

Help him understand that while he may like video games, that they need to be kept in proper perspective. (Do so lovingly, not by attacking, yelling or condemning.)

Michele

You are completely right. My husband doesn't get any mad money if I don't. If there is any way I can budget for something that he REALLY wants I will, but it has to be discussed and agreed on first.

Magic 8 Ball: The Witch is In

You are NOT being unreasonable. Buying frivolous items when you can't pay bills (behind on child support) is wasteful and selfish. Why doesn't he take that $200 and use it to help get you guys out of debt.

pictureshygirl

A mature person puts bills and responsibilities first, games and entertainments after. Although, unless your husband has a habit of avoiding bills and spending on himself, I would just let this playstation disagreement go. It does not hurt if for only one time he spent on something he wanted. Too much work and responsbilities can make a person to want to bail out. Play time is just important. Tell him you are glad he found something he can have fun with and leave it at that. As I said, unless he has a habit of spending foolishly then I would not let this one item bother me. I am sure he would be willing to work extra over time to put the money back. On the other side of the coin, he should have paid his back child support payments first before anyting else, this is where I feel you are right and he is wrong. Hope he comes to see this.

True

This is tricky to me.

Major purchases (I consider anything over $100 major) should be discussed. But at the same time I think PS3s are like $500 so he probably figured he was getting it at a steal.

I agree with you in that if you don't have the money for it, he should not have bought it. But I think whether it was unfair or fair depends on your husband and his normal spending habits.

My fiance is not materialistic at all. He never spends money on himself, ever. The most he will buy is CDs, DVDs, and some magazines if he goes grocery shopping and has money left over from our grocery budget.

So if he came home with a $200 PS3, I would be pissed because we don't have $200 to spend on nonsense but then I would remember that this is a guy that isn't selfish and he probably felt really passionate about it, so I would let it go.

I don't know your husband but if he's like my guy, I would let it go this time and remind him that purchases needs to be discussed. If he has a habit of spending then you need to put him on a budget immediately.

lisa c

I don't think that your being unfair at all. He shouldn't have got a PlayStation 3 if he's behind on child support; and if you all have bills that need to be paid that was money that could have went to bills. With him being behind on child support he should be the one really trying to catch up instead of you doing all the work.

aangie781

no i dont think your being unfair i thik you are being realistic and the responsible one.hell sounds like someone has to be.your right bills come before a ps3.if you can afford it great but what good is a video game going to be if you didnt pay the electric bill and your sitting in the dark or mortgage didnt get paid and you have no place to live.these are points that need to be made to him.there are alot of men out there that do the same thing so hes not alone on this video game quest but its not fair that he can do this and you are left to cover the bills.how would he feel if you went out and spent 300 that you didnt have on say i dont know a dress or something.put your foot down now.set up a budget bills are paid before anything else then if you have extra you can always buy a lil something

Janet K

You need to make a budget and stick to it. One that both of you have a say-so in. I think he should NOT have bought that PS3 right now if he can't even make up his own child support payments. You should not be doing that for him either. You are enabling him to ignore his responsibilities. I do not believe it is about control, but he needs to handle the bills he is responsible for. He will continue to lean on you and blow your budget as long as you keep fixing what he has broken. You need to have a set amount each week that is put into the bill pot, but you have to make a budget on paper showing how much money it takes just to pay bills. Stop paying HIS bills so that he can grow up and pay his own bills. Good luck!

400lbtwins

You are not being unfair. I feel that purchase was a waste. You should have a discussion on purchase over a certain dollar value. That will curb any problems over the purchase.

laurie_plan

The breakdown goes something like this: basically your husband doesn't understand your reasoning, because he is only looking at what happened this week, which is in his mind he managed to get a really cheap playstation. He is not thinking of the past events which make buying the playstation unjust, or the bigger picture of needing to save on everything - he only has eyes for the actual instance of the playstation. Basically he wants it and is gonna get it.
I'd warrant that you're not only annoyed at the $200 spent, but also at the playstation factor. You are probably thinking that once he gets this thing he is gonna spend massive amounts of time on it, and not helping, spending time on you, or the kids. And unfortunately you are 100% correct. Maybe rather than focusing primarily on the money (because all he's gonna think is 'so what its only $200') you could try to calmly and rationally explain these extra reasons why its not appropriate for someone with a family to be spending large amounts of time playing video games. Gotta say though, I fear this may not work, worth a shot though.
Your other option is to be more subtle with the way you deal with things like this. You could have said nothing at all about the playstation, then wait till he leaves the house and pour ovaltine all over it 'accidentally'?
My only advice is don't focus on the money, even though it is easier to bring that up as a reason. Tell him the real reason you don't want him to get one!

good luck!

zmortis

To quote a line from "The Shining" by Stephen King "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

That being said, you need to have an emergency family meeting. Before this meeting, as the fiscally responsible one in the relationship, you need to prepare a budget with any income listed as well as routine and non-routine but known expenses listed. For example my current budget is a week by week, year by year spreadsheet of current level of income, all past weekly expenses since 1995, and projected weekly expenses until 2023 (at the current cost level, not adjusting for anticipated inflation).

For a beginer I suggest to just start doing the current year. Each week since January 1, 2008 fill in the actual expenses so far, and each week after this one fill in your projected expenses and income. This really only requires a pad of paper, but a computer spreadsheet makes the additions and subtractions a bit more reliable.

Once you have this all filled out, then show your husband what comes in, what goes out, and what tiny bit is left over at the end of the year for emergencies, and potential luxury items. you need to let him understand that all necessities must be taken care of before luxuries, and that Overtime earnings are not free "mad money".

Understand that even thought you don't spend money on yourself by your estimation, that some of the things you buy and consider necessities, might be considered luxuries by your husband. For example, in the case of my wife these luxuries consist of her large collection of shampoos, make-up, shoes, and lotions.

Understand that if you are in a tight financial situation at this juncture there are ways for a family to economize such as the following:
1. Reduce the number and/or cost of presents friends and family receive from you.
2. Cease TV cable or satelite service.
3. Cease cell phone service, or reduce your family to a single phone (either cell or land line which ever is cheapest).
4. Shop at the discount or second hand store for clothes.
5. Shop at a generic store like Aldi Foods.
6. Buy toys for your children at a dollar store.
7. Buy second hand video games, and trade in games you don't play anymore.

If you are all ready doing all of these measures and find you still can't make ends meet, then you are likely able to qualify for some kind of assistance from your local or national government (presuming you live in the US or a country with good social services). I hope this helps.

The Princess

I haven't read what everybody else wrote, but I will just say that, of course, you are right here. Your husband is being very selfish and immature. He should not have bought something like that when there are bills to be paid and money is tight. I don't know what you can say to get him to see that, but you are completely in the right here.

No More

No matter what your income or financial struggles boys always need their toys. When I was younger I used to drive my wife crazy because I had the same problem as your husband... Men feel entitled to spend money they don't have... hopefully it is something that he can outgrow. You are not being unfair to him at all... Given your list of financial obligations he should be blowing $20.00 once in a while to pick himself up... not $200.00. The PlayStation is very selfish because for that much money he could have at least spent it on something that the whole family wanted, needed, or could enjoy. Not to mention that video games are bad for a relationship anyway, they pull people apart and hours of time are lost when he could be spending time with you or helping you do things that need to get done... they even rob people of sleep so that they are not at their best at work or at home... I think you have every right to be upset. With your financial needs the $200 was way more than a little splurge!

unsure

My husband does the same thing. We owe my father almost 10,000 but he still decides to go and spend 500 on random shopping sprees, 50 on video games and everything else. Leave him for a month so he can see what it's really like to not have you around.

Reece Judicata

While I understand his need to play, the reality is he has responsibilities. No, you are not being unfair, you are being a responsible adult. He needs to do the same. He already bought it, so you can't do much about it now, but you will need to make it clear that there is a budget and that it must be adhered to! In your budget you could make an allowance for you and him, say $50 a month each, to do with as you please. That's all he gets. If he wants something, he can save his excess money for it. It's called delayed gratification. And I agree with you on the OT, that is not play money, it is money to meet your obligations! He needs to be working the OT if he can and use that money to satisfy your debts... that way, the day will come when you actually do have extra money to play with... unless he buckles down now, that day is not going to come, you will just be treading water. Good luck to you.

Mrs D is expecting #2

No You are not being unfair. Tell him to sell his playstation 3 and use the money to help pay off the child support payments. Stand your ground and don't let up... let him know that its nice once and awhile to splurge but not when your in debt! Good Luck!

BR Tiger fan

$200 for a PS3. You can't expect him to pass on that deal.

Seriously though, he could probably sell it for $300. Make a profit.

Liah & Lexi's Mommy

i agree with you completely my guy is the same way try talking to him nicely and if he just dont get it then i say do something for yourself next time you get paid two wrongs dont make a right but you deserve nice things too

MissE

The logical person in me agrees 100% with you. Of course you are right. A PS3 is not important bills do need to be paid.
However. He has lost his job He probably feels terrible about the fact that you are doing overtime and him not being able to provide etc. Childish things happen then and he was looking for something to make him feel a little better. Granted it cost money and in the end with you having a go at him he feels like sh*t now. It will feel to him as kick the man when he is down.

You never shop for yourself as you do not have the money. You seem to be completely stressed by the situation, maybe you should for once pamper yourself a little Nothing flash, just something to make you feel good about yourself. You do know that in a time of crisis the sales of makeup etc go up. A new lipstick or something to make you feel good. You need to look after yourself as well otherwise life truly becomes a bittersweet symphony.

So ultimately I understand and I agree with you on the amount spent, I also say I understand why he did it. He just went around it the wrong way.

Me Oh My

I want a PS3 as well, but I didn't buy one yet.(I have bills to pay) He needs to be more responsible. . Why don't you buy a day at the spa or an new diamond nickels and say well i did work OT so i bought my self something...

kimmer0616

While I think it speaks highly of the person you are, you shouldn't be paying his child support. Trust me on this one; sure, it needs done, but it is going to build so much resentment over the years if it has not already. It is his responsibility and paying it for him doesn't help him see the reality of the bills each month and where it all goes.

jude

he sounds immature, and u both have to be on the same page when it comes to finances if not it won't last. he sounds irresponsible with money and u need to sit down and try to explain the reasons why bills come first.

NeighborLady

I think a couple hours of gaming is the most innocent, cheapest, most respectful way a man can escape the stress of being broke, the ego crush of your woman paying your child support for you...

It keeps him out of the pool halls, mamma.

country_girl

ok,,well i see your point and i see your husbands....
As far as the child you pay support for,, yes it is your dity as well because when you married your husband,, you accepted his child and took the responsabillity for paying for this other child as well.
as far as the extra toys,,well if its not in the budget,,then it just isnt, thats all, but maybe come to a compromise with your hubby instead of making it a damned dreaded subject, and something that you are so upset about,,,,
instead of trying to get him to understand the importance of how that $200 could have been used,,,because some men just dont get it,,,let him know you are very upset with him and why,,let him give you a comeback and then drop it
and when i say drop it, i meen just that,, barry it and dont say another word about it.
the fact is he bought it, and its a past issue, but you should both get your feelings out in the ope and have it over with..
your both mature adults and you both work
set the boundaries for bills and set some bounderies so that you can have a little extra play money each week,,,like set up a savings account and each week, you each put 10 into it, and this is your play money for the month
what i can tell you that I have learned,,,is you cant set a budget and have it so tight that you have no room to buy yourself something each month or go out and have fun a couple times a month.if each paycheck in its entrity goes for bills,,, you becaome very bitter very quick
You need to loosen up a little,,and also make sure that you put some money aside a couple months out of the year so that every summer you can take a vacation or do something fun as a family,even if its as simple as going to a theme park for a weekend..you need that,,or you will quickly become to dread life.
yes there are bills to be paid,,,there will always be bills,,but set a budget so each bill is paid so much a month
either that or file bankrupsy for a fresh start
you need to live for yourself and your family - not your bills
and the main goal is to make sure you have a roof over your heads and food on the tableas well as a vehicle
try car pooling to make things cheaper,,if you have two vehicles,cut back to one,sell the seconed one and put that money towards bills

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